Funshine Bear!!
"I love talking to you because your mind is just so profound and fascinating."~Margeau
Heart...just...smiled...a lot.
Its so crazy how it is all playing out for me. The past 2 days, i have woken up from terrible nightmares, making me so discontent and unsettled in the moment, and it really hurt me to think my mind (the disordered mind) was being mean to me again.
It let me down to think that since i wont allow it to be mean to me in my daytimes, it tries to sneak up on me while i try to sleep, thinking it can get me somehow. What a bastard of a thing.
It goes and does this to me, but then people in my life come around and tell me things that come from the heart and not because they feel obliged to say something.
So everyone out there...continue to just BE TRUTHFUL. Even if its harsh. Do it.
I am just...overwhelmed with love from people ALL around me. As i started to type this out, Ann just came to me and gave me a Sunshine CareBear, telling me thank you for yesterday in group...and that to her, the CareBear will forever be me. "Thank you for yesterday...You are truly special...and to me, this bear with the sunshine and happiness resembles you."
That bear will come with me everywhere now.
This is anything meant to brag about myself, but damn, i dont EVER want to pass up this feeling of love. i want to look back to these things said about me, and realize all over again..."I have a gift." And i can say that, believe that, and just pray that no one thinks i am full of myself. And if someone does think that...i am shit out of luck! Whatevs! :)
Yesterday in program was really...good. As each day passes, i feel myself striving to a higher level in groups. Damn, i have insight. :) And it means so much to me that the therapists think of me as an asset to group, telling me that i say things to the other girls that they cannot, etc.
I dont know what 2nd group was for, but Tiffany emphasized my positivity and drive. She asked the girls to give me input on how i am in program and what they think. Margeau said a lot of beautiful things about me. Debra did as well.
Tiffany also wanted me to talk about where the drive and compassion come from and how easy it is for me to grasp onto recovery wholeheartedly compared to a lot of the other girls. A lot of them just dont want to let go of the eating disorder.
I responded...
I didnt want to let go of my eating disorder either...for a long time. At times I thought i was letting it go, but ultimately, it was so distorted of a thing, that i was manipulating myself with letting go of it. I went in and out of it, thinking i was getting better at times, holding onto false hope that i was going to get better, but in a way, i knew i was not getting better at all with any sort of attempt i was making.
i held onto anything that i could grasp onto...relationships, feelings, distortions of my body, absolute fear of my mixed emotions, guilt...
Until i was left with absolutely nothing.
I looked around me one day and realized that my whole world had crashed and crumbled around me. i didnt know who i was or what the hell i was doing. I was so in fear of the anger, sadness and disgust i was feeling within myself. I didnt know where it was all coming from and i could not hide it away anymore and play the comedian anymore.
It wasnt working for me. My relationships were destroyed with special people, my health was deteriorated, my body retaliated against me...I HAD NO IDENTITY ANYMORE.
I couldnt hold onto the things that once meant the world to me. I couldnt even hold onto myself. So i held onto the only thing that had truly stuck by me all the years--the thing that never left, never escaped my mind and thoughts, and it certainly never left me feeling complete when we met face to face, thus making it a goal to continue chasing it in the game because maybe it would give me what i needed with time. The only thing i was holding onto was the disorder...it was my security blanket. It masked everything...
...and it destroyed my everything.
Margeau started to cry when i spoke. She is like me, where she wants to hide her pain from everyone while completely stuck to the disorder. It controls her everything and she hates it that she doesnt want to let go of the disorder. She is such a beautiful person and she doesnt see it.
I told her that just by saying that she hated what was happening to her was a definite indicator that she DOES want to let it go, she is just scared of the end results...thinking that it will actually leave her with nothing because right now, the disorder is her everything...everything else is being destroyed right before her eyes.
I think she thought about that, and took it in.
She told me that she can totally see me going around the country and speaking to large audiences. Then Tiffany chimed in that it can definitely happen right here and now.
Well mom, I guess you were always right about that speaking thing you always talked about me doing now werent you??? :)
We'll see what enfolds.
i dont know, i have been looking back on some things and i want to do something with my journals and drawings. I think that the most beautiful work comes out when a person is in their darkest mood. Its real. Its deliberate. And its raw.
Its beauty.
Heart...just...smiled...a lot.
Its so crazy how it is all playing out for me. The past 2 days, i have woken up from terrible nightmares, making me so discontent and unsettled in the moment, and it really hurt me to think my mind (the disordered mind) was being mean to me again.
It let me down to think that since i wont allow it to be mean to me in my daytimes, it tries to sneak up on me while i try to sleep, thinking it can get me somehow. What a bastard of a thing.
It goes and does this to me, but then people in my life come around and tell me things that come from the heart and not because they feel obliged to say something.
So everyone out there...continue to just BE TRUTHFUL. Even if its harsh. Do it.
I am just...overwhelmed with love from people ALL around me. As i started to type this out, Ann just came to me and gave me a Sunshine CareBear, telling me thank you for yesterday in group...and that to her, the CareBear will forever be me. "Thank you for yesterday...You are truly special...and to me, this bear with the sunshine and happiness resembles you."
That bear will come with me everywhere now.
This is anything meant to brag about myself, but damn, i dont EVER want to pass up this feeling of love. i want to look back to these things said about me, and realize all over again..."I have a gift." And i can say that, believe that, and just pray that no one thinks i am full of myself. And if someone does think that...i am shit out of luck! Whatevs! :)
Yesterday in program was really...good. As each day passes, i feel myself striving to a higher level in groups. Damn, i have insight. :) And it means so much to me that the therapists think of me as an asset to group, telling me that i say things to the other girls that they cannot, etc.
I dont know what 2nd group was for, but Tiffany emphasized my positivity and drive. She asked the girls to give me input on how i am in program and what they think. Margeau said a lot of beautiful things about me. Debra did as well.
Tiffany also wanted me to talk about where the drive and compassion come from and how easy it is for me to grasp onto recovery wholeheartedly compared to a lot of the other girls. A lot of them just dont want to let go of the eating disorder.
I responded...
I didnt want to let go of my eating disorder either...for a long time. At times I thought i was letting it go, but ultimately, it was so distorted of a thing, that i was manipulating myself with letting go of it. I went in and out of it, thinking i was getting better at times, holding onto false hope that i was going to get better, but in a way, i knew i was not getting better at all with any sort of attempt i was making.
i held onto anything that i could grasp onto...relationships, feelings, distortions of my body, absolute fear of my mixed emotions, guilt...
Until i was left with absolutely nothing.
I looked around me one day and realized that my whole world had crashed and crumbled around me. i didnt know who i was or what the hell i was doing. I was so in fear of the anger, sadness and disgust i was feeling within myself. I didnt know where it was all coming from and i could not hide it away anymore and play the comedian anymore.
It wasnt working for me. My relationships were destroyed with special people, my health was deteriorated, my body retaliated against me...I HAD NO IDENTITY ANYMORE.
I couldnt hold onto the things that once meant the world to me. I couldnt even hold onto myself. So i held onto the only thing that had truly stuck by me all the years--the thing that never left, never escaped my mind and thoughts, and it certainly never left me feeling complete when we met face to face, thus making it a goal to continue chasing it in the game because maybe it would give me what i needed with time. The only thing i was holding onto was the disorder...it was my security blanket. It masked everything...
...and it destroyed my everything.
Margeau started to cry when i spoke. She is like me, where she wants to hide her pain from everyone while completely stuck to the disorder. It controls her everything and she hates it that she doesnt want to let go of the disorder. She is such a beautiful person and she doesnt see it.
I told her that just by saying that she hated what was happening to her was a definite indicator that she DOES want to let it go, she is just scared of the end results...thinking that it will actually leave her with nothing because right now, the disorder is her everything...everything else is being destroyed right before her eyes.
I think she thought about that, and took it in.
She told me that she can totally see me going around the country and speaking to large audiences. Then Tiffany chimed in that it can definitely happen right here and now.
Well mom, I guess you were always right about that speaking thing you always talked about me doing now werent you??? :)
We'll see what enfolds.
i dont know, i have been looking back on some things and i want to do something with my journals and drawings. I think that the most beautiful work comes out when a person is in their darkest mood. Its real. Its deliberate. And its raw.
Its beauty.