Just cuz he's funny as shit....and I
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.
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I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
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I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
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I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
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I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
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I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
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I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
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Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
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So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
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You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
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This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."
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I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
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I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
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I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".
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A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
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Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera.
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Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
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I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
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People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
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My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
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I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
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My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
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I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.
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Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in. I tried to taste it...didn't work.
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2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
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I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
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This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."
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I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in. I tried to taste it...didn't work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.