#223: Someday, at the end of the rainbow, I'll find you
Prompt: #223
Title: Someday, at the end of the rainbow, I'll find you
Pairing: ChenLay
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: hinted smut, implied suicide, character death/s
Word count: 4,633
Summary: "Important encounters are planned by the souls long before the bodies meet each other."-Paulo Coelho
Author's note: Stirred away so much (I think) from the prompt but writing about soulmates with a dash of psychology of colors because i like, i love even, those topics, fascinates me since forever so thank you to the prompter! This is a very elaborate interpretation of “If We Love Again”, please blmae Kim Jongdae's (& Chanyeol) version for that. It was playing on loop when I saw the prompt :)
The sun was setting on the horizon when Jongdae looked up from his table. The view from his office gives him full access to one of the most breathtaking event in one’s life. But what’s the use of watching the sunset on top of one of the tallest building in town when everywhere he looks, there’s just a big, grey sphere slowly sinking on equally grey clouds? Or that of the beautiful Han river beyond with its murky water? The landscaping below was trimmed to perfection & yet he couldn’t appreciate the roses or the daffodils, even the tall palm trees dancing in the soft breeze.
“When you find your soulmate, everything will have its color.” His mother told him when he’s just a child; his young mind’s too scared of the black & white enveloping his vision. He didn’t know the word but the smile on his mother’s face tells him that it’s a good thing. “You’ll understand when you’re older, Dae.” He is now, a successful businessman at a young age of 28. It’s the right age to settle down & build a family but he still hasn’t found that term his mother uttered when he was five.
“You should go out & have fun, Jongdae. Maybe you’ll find him at the bar!” That was his friend’s suggestion when he called earlier, reminding him of their monthly get-together that evening. Baekhyun was adamant on finding his so called soulmate, too eager to play the matchmaker. He didn’t want to go. Or rather, he didn’t want to be a fifth wheel. But he also didn’t want to earn his other friend’s wrath so he really didn’t have a choice. “We haven’t seen you in ages, you brat! Get down here or I’ll murder you in your sleep.” He’s not afraid of his friend; he was used to Kyungsoo’s threat since forever. Or of dying, his mind supplied, not at this rate his life is going anyway, but finding his other half in the middle of a crowded place was more appealing than staring at the infinite grey displayed infront of him.
His employees greeted him as he passed by. Most of them were getting ready to go home to their family, while some were cozying up with their colleagues for a weekend night out, just like his friends were dragging him to. And as he stares at them from where he’s standing on the lobby, waiting for the elevator to come, he can’t help but feel a little envious. They seem so happy like his friends whom already have found their soulmates. Kyungsoo got himself a Canadian hottie while Baekhyun have their other friend, Chanyeol. Even his older cousin snagged a Chinese chaebol. Don’t get him wrong. He’s contented with his life, but since when contentment been truly synonymous with happiness?
He can feel that his soulmate’s somewhere out there. It was so strong when he was a teenager, like a buzz in his system indicating that he’s someplace near. He would search for him in a crowd or wait for the colors he learned when he was a child, any of them, to burst in his eyes. He used to anticipate that when he was younger, when he was that hopeful youth believing in every word his mother told him... but not anymore. He has resigned himself that he wouldn’t be with his twin soul in this lifetime. Because the hands of clock are ticking and he doesn’t have time to find who he is.
The world is big and... Six months isn’t enough.
And maybe he didn’t need six months to wait for that. He didn’t need 6 months to finally, finally, see the greens & browns of the palms trees towering over him. He didn’t need 6 months to see the oranges & indigos swirling in the sky. He didn’t need 6 months to know that pink really looks good on someone’s lips even if it was frantically shouting for help. It was too early yet too late at the same time.
Very wrong timing, Jongdae. And the purple earphones dangling on the stranger’s neck was the last thing he saw as he closed his eyes.
He didn’t need 6 months to know what it feels like to be in the arms of the one meant for you. He only needed 8 hours.
***
There was something about the unconscious man that tugs at Yixing’s heart. He’s too young, must be around his age. But it wasn’t that that bothers him. It was the blackness that engulfs his vision, like the colors he’s been seeing since he was a child was gone for a second. And yet when he opened his eyes to look down at the dying man’s face, a small smile straining the other’s lips, the blood was red again.
It was probably coz of the shock. His mind tells him as he stares at the ambulance driving away from the scene. The vibrating phone on his back pocket pulled him out of his reverie. It was his friend, Kris. He’s late and they’re all probably waiting for him.
“Ge, I’m on my way! There’s just a-”
“I’m sorry Xing, but something came up.” Kris cut him off. He can hear someone sobbing at the other line.
“Are you okay? Is there something wrong?”
“I’m fine but Soo’s not.” There was a pause, a whisper of ‘calm down, baby’. “Their friend, the one we’re going to introduce to you, he got into an accident. We’re going to the hospital. I’m really sorry, Xing.”
“Oh.” There it is again, that pang in his chest. “It’s okay. Tell Kyungsoo it’ll be fine. I’ll see you both soon, okay?”
“Yeah, thanks Yixing. Bye.”
“Bye.” The face of the man from earlier swims in his mind. How funny fate plays? He thinks as he stares at the phone in his hand. The coincidence of him witnessing a vehicular accident while going to the bar Kris texted him to go to, dreading the blind date they put up for him, and Kyungsoo’s friend involving in one was just fate playing its role in their lives.
He didn’t want to meet someone. He doesn't need one either. He’s happy with Wendy even if she’s not his soulmate. He’s contented in their open relationship and if the time comes that she found the one right for her, he’s ready. It’s not like he didn’t know what he gotten himself into. But for now, he’s happy. He just wished that the deceased young man was the same when he was still alive. And he prays that Kyungsoo’s friend found his right one on another lifetime.
******************
“Have you ever felt like going to the moon?”
“Aren’t you being disrespectful?” It was reprimanding, yet he can hear the little laugh behind it.
“Have you ever felt like going to the moon, Your Majesty?” Chen smiled when he heard the snort beside him.
“No.”
“Have you ever wondered what could have been out there?” Chen kept his eyes on the clear, black sky scattered with twinkling white dots.
“What’s with all the questions?”
“Nothing...just curious.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for the big day tomorrow?”
“Like you’re one to talk...” Chen mumbled but he heard it clearly anyway. “Then why aren’t you sleeping then?”
“You wanted to see me, so here I am. But if I have known you just wanted to ask me about the moon & what- nots, I wouldn’t put on a robe and sneak in here.” He hides his smirk in the shadows when he saw Chen’s pouting.
“Well, I wanted to congratulate you first on your wedding tomorrow, your Highness.” Chen was looking at him despite the dimness, unspoken words and sins lingering in between them.
“You know you’re the one I love right?” He cupped Chen’s face, tracing the features through the darkness that envelopes them.
“I know. And I know that you’re seeing colors since you were born, Yixing.” He likes the sound of his name from Chen’s lips, like the way they were uttered with so much tenderness. “You have known Lady Soojung since you were kids so it’s okay. I still love you and I’m happy for you, your Highness.” The lips he’s tracing were quivering as it said those words and not even his kisses can’t stop it.
Emperor Zhang Yixing wanted to say sorry... wanted to tell his eunuch that everything will be fine... but he couldn’t. He love Chen but he’s not his soulmate (his heart’s protesting otherwise), Soojung is, at least from what the norm dictates. And at least he knew that Chen didn’t know what color even means and what they looked like.
“I’m going back to Joseon tomorrow... so this is a goodbye too.” And he felt the farewell even before he heard the words. Chen’s lips were warm against the dampness that touched his face.
They have sex countless times that night. It was slow and sweet like the first time, butterfly kisses fluttering on soft skin, hands threading on silky hair, languid movements and whispered I love you’s at the end of the night. Then it was fast, furious thrusting on abused hole, skin littered with marks and bites, sweat and tears and broken sobs of “Please, stay” as dawn approaches.
They made love that night, a love that is forbidden... a love that has no place in that lifetime.
***
The white and pink flowers were so beautiful against the green grass that surrounds the square. The music coming from the palace’s musicians clad in multicolored robes filling the festivity around the place. But amidst the hues scattered infront of him, his eyes can only see the silk blue robe cladding the man from afar. The emperor was shimmering under the clear, sunny sky and he can’t help but bask in it for the last time.
Kim Jongdae wasn’t Eunuch Chen anymore when he stepped outside the place where he left his heart and soul. And the smile adorning His Majesty’s face was brighter than the sun as he silently said goodbye.
******************
Ghost marriages aren’t unusual, at least on Chinese culture. He perfectly knew that. But there’s a big difference between the readings from a book to being involved in one. It was just unfortunate that he couldn’t say no to his friend Zitao. And that his mother already agreed in behalf of him when the Huang’s presented them with a hefty dowry which their family returned with equal favor. “It’s an honor to be part of the Huang’s, Yixing” his mother said; “The merging of our family is to our advantage” his father added when the meeting was over.
Zhang Yixing doesn’t understand it. Or rather he doesn’t want to. Not when his future, his entire life, is at stake here.
“It wouldn’t be that bad.” He felt the chill running down his spine before he even heard the words.
Easy for you to say. He wanted to shout, but the eerie silence surrounding them prevented him from doing so. He wanted to end this now. But when he saw his mother sternly looking across from him and the ecstatic faces of the other family surrounding them, he held his tongue from lashing out over this madness. The floating spirit beside him isn’t any different.
“I like that kid, Shi Xun, for my brother, you know. It’s just too bad that I couldn’t get to know him better.” Jin Zhong Da, his spirit-bride, was the most talkative ghost he has ever encountered. And that’s saying something with the profession he’s in.
And maybe it was his ability’s fault to begin with. Being a paranormal investigator and his curiosity on strange things won him over when Huang Zitao asked his help to talk with his deceased brother. Or maybe it was Shi Xun’s “I’ll introduce you to my Fan-ge” that made it happen. He didn’t know. He doesn’t want to know. He just wanted to get this over with.
The traditional clothes he’s wearing is itchy and the black leather gloves on his hands’ becoming unbearable with the summer heat. The fire from the burning effigy isn’t helping either. But then a cold hand was on top of his and goosebumps were even rising on his arms. He looked to his right and greeted with a smiling Zhong Da.
“Just bear with it a little longer, yeah? At least until Tao-Tao & Shi Xun’s wedding day... or until that Yifan finally asked you out. ” The last part was whispered but he heard it anyway. Zhong Da was looking at his brother again but the smile he gave before was replaced with something akin to sadness. He was curious but he doesn’t want to pry.
“Let’s go, husband.” Zhong Da’s cheeky voice startled him and when he saw the once lively portrait of his spirit-bride turned into ashes, he knew it’s over. The ceremony has ended and his fate is sealed. For the time being...
***
“Thank you, Da-ge.” He heard his brother talking to his portrait on his room, or rather his now husband’s room, who’s sleeping soundly in the middle of the king-size bed, totally unaware of Tao’s presence.
No, thank you, Taozi. He wanted to say but he can’t so he settled with blowing lightly on his brother’s left ear, a gesture that didn’t go unnoticed when he heard him giggling.
“Yah! I know you’re here, ge!” Another blow. “I brought your favorite flower and the one you requested. Are you sure you wanted me to give this to Xing-ge every day?” Another light breeze. “All right then.” Tao placed the flower on the bedside table. “You really love him, don’t you?” Always. The bouquet of iris beside the portrait swayed. “I hope you’re happy there, ge.”
I wish I could be, Tao. He whispered as he watched his brother leave the room. Yixing was stirring from his deep slumber. And he couldn’t help but smile when the man finally open his eyes and look straight to where he’s standing.
“Good morning, husband!” He was just greeted with a grumble. Yixing wasn’t a morning person after all. And he can’t help but laugh a little at that, a distant memory fleeting in his mind. He didn’t change, not even in this lifetime.
***
There was a single purple rose on the bedside table when Yixing woke up on the very first morning of him being Zhong Da’s husband. And the days that followed too. Either it was placed on the table or rested atop the pillow on the unoccupied side of the bed.
And he knew where it’s coming from. Or who gave it to him and it never fails to amuse him but he won’t do anything about it.
“I saw indigo when I first saw you with Taozi so I requested for you when Mom said his marriage won’t happen. My brother asked you talk to me so I can help him with Mom but this happened. I’m sorry, Yixing.” He remembers Zhong Da’s words when he decided to help his little brother.
“I’ve been seeing colors since I was born.” He also remembers Zhong Da’s face when he said those words and the brief spell of darkness he felt when he heard the other boy’s voice.
“Oh... d- don’t mistook it as anything else. I’ve seen colors before.” The smile on the other’s face belies what he’s seeing in his eyes. Yixing was very curious but he doesn’t want to ask why, doesn’t want to build any kind of relationship between them... doesn’t want Zhong Da to think that helping him will turn into something deeper. Zhong Da’s dead and he’s alive and in love with someone else. He’ll be free after 100 days and Zhong Da will be gone for good in heaven.
And the purple roses were wilting on the corner as Zi Tao & Shi Xun’s wedding day approaches.
***
3 months have passed quietly between them; sometimes with a small row over Zhong Da’s endless blabbering and his affinity to blow on his neck when he’s working or when his disrupting his date with Yifan, the last one he was not really keen to dwell on. The camaraderie was there somewhere... when he can’t help but laugh at Zhong Da’s antics or the latter asking him how his day was. It lingers inside their room, in the serenity that engulfs them every night when he’s lying on the bed while Zhong Da’s drifting by the window and the lullabies that the latter hums when he thought he was already asleep.
It was there as every day passes by and sometimes he can’t help but ponder on the “what if’s” but stops every time. And when he woke up on the morning of Tao and Shi Xun’s wedding day with a bouquet of sweet pea surrounding a single purple rose, blackness consuming him and obscuring his vision on the array of violets by his side, he found himself frantically searching for the other.
“I’ll be gone on 3rd week of the 9th month.” Zhong Da’s soft voice rings in his ears as he stares at the marked calendar on the bedside table. He’s free... but he feels otherwise, a sense of emptiness slowly engulfing his being as he gaze at the big vase full of dead iris underneath it.
******************
The place is very different from his hometown. He thinks, as he looks outside the passenger seat.
There were lots of tall buildings and cars passing by. Seoul is a very busy city bustling with life and activities. There may be fewer greens but this will be his home now, where he’ll make his dream come true... where he’ll find that person he’s been looking for so long.
******************
“Yixing-ge...”
“Hmmm...”
“What does the color orange looks like?”
“Why?”
“Nothing... just curious.”
“Are you seeing colors now, Jongdae!?!” A wide eyed Yixing caught him off-guard.
“No!” Yes.
“Then why are you asking?!?” Because I wanted to know if what I’m seeing is true.
“I told you I’m just curious.” He smiled his Cheshire cat smile at the still suspicious look his ge was giving.
“Hmmm... I can’t really describe it Dae. But when you see it, it’ll make you feel warm all over, you know, like when we’re stretching our hands over the fireplace?” And Yixing’s probably right, warmth seeping through his veins and reaching his core as he gazes at his friends glowing face bathing in the orange hues painting the sky.
He can’t remember when it started. Maybe since they were children, when they were still in diapers and playing on the sandbox with Yixing building a fort and declaring himself his prince... or maybe when they were in grade school, teenage angst all over the place but Yixing’s still there protecting him from the bullies calling him names. Or that one afternoon on their way home from university, while Yixing was walking by his side and he saw specks of orange dancing in the sky as the sun sets in the horizon.
Or maybe Kim Jongdae was, is, in love with Zhang Yixing since forever. He feels that way... feels that they have known each other from ages ago... have loved the other from another lifetime. He feels that way whenever he looks at his ge, just like this moment. And the colors slowly engulfing his vision were just a confirmation because even if he can’t distinguish the green from blue or the violet from indigo, he’d probably be still in love with him.
“Oh...” He answered faintly.
“It does feel like it when I saw Irene the first time. But I really couldn’t tell since I’ve been seeing colors since I was born... anyway, you’re gonna help me with my proposal right?”
He nods & the orange sky feels like a scorching flame burning his heart as he looks at his best friend’s smiling face. The face that haunts him in his sleep, in his dreams of different eras that left him confused when he wakes up... longing and wanting residing in his chest. It’s the face that will be engraved in his mind until his last breath.
***
“Xing-Xing ge...”
“Hmmm...”
“You know I love you, right?” Yixing was taken aback by Jongdae’s question. He’s not sure why, but the lilt in his voice tells him there’s something wrong.
“Of course! And I love you too, Dae. You’re my bestfriend and little brother rolled into one!” He didn’t get to see the sad smile on the other’s face when he hugs him. Nor when Jongdae bid goodbye, the chaste kiss planted on his cheek rooting him on his spot as the other boy closes their door.
***
There’s a body lying on the cold, bathroom floor that night.
***
Yixing woke up to the sound of his phone incessantly ringing by his side and the blaring sound of sirens passing by his house. A moment of obscure darkness and a sinking feeling at the pit of his stomach made him bolt upright as he slowly comprehend the message he just received.
There’s a flash of a memory from another time clouding his mind as he drives towards his destination.
***
He will never get to tell Yixing that he’s seeing colors for a while now or that he loves him even if he doesn’t get to see them. He will bury it along his grave for he is dying. He knows that since a couple of months now and the pool of blood that surrounded him minutes ago made him remember the reason why he wanted to cut his suffering shorter.
There’s regret as he listen to his mother’s cry, and Yixing’s tear- stricken face dancing in his vision as he struggle to open his eyes. But as the first ray of sunshine permeates the green curtain of the hospital room, enveloping the man he loves standing at the foot of his bed, it tells him there may be hope for him, for his love, for them.
The warmth of the rising sun promising him of forever, leaving a small smile on his lips as he finally closes his eyes.
******************
The place is very different from his hometown. He thinks, as he walks along the busy streets of Seoul.
There were lots of tall buildings and cars passing by. It’s a very busy city bustling with life and activities. And although there may be fewer greens in this place, this will be his home now, where he’ll make his dreams come true... where he’ll look for that person he’s been longing for.
******************
“Is there a member you would like to date if you were a girl?”
“Uhmm... Lay-hyung.”
“Why?”
“Coz he’s kind and he takes care of us very well. And he’s handsome, especially on stage.”
“Do you have any idea that Chen-ssi feels that way Lay-ssi?”
“No...”
“Do you have a member you’d date if you were a girl?”
“Ah... I like all of the members but...Chen-ssi.”
“Why?”
“He’s considerate and kind. And he helps me sing my compositions.”
They were both red in the face as the members keep teasing them with Baekhyun leading the chant of “Kiss, Kiss”.
***
“If you were not in EXO, whose member will you be a fan of?” The emcee asked. They were having a fan meet in Japan and he heard that question countless of times but it didn’t stop him from wondering if the answer of the boy below him will change.
“You only have Chanyeol and Lay-hyung to choose from! Oh, and Suho-hyung too!” He heard Baekhyun from his side.
“Can they just play rock-paper-scissors?” Chen was having a hard time deciding and he didn’t like the way he’s pressuring himself so he catch his gaze, silently telling the other that it’s okay. And Chen, no, Jongdae, smiled at him when he saw him.
“No, you have to choose.”
“Okay, I’ll do it.” Chen shouted amidst the other members shouting their two cents in.
“Why don’t you back hug the person you like?” The emcee suggested, earning shrieks from thousands of fans infront of them.
“Oh, okay!” Chen eagerly agreed.
“Close your eyes, you three, and Chen will stand behind whoever he chooses.” The emcee instructed. He reluctantly closes his eyes as he heard Baekhyun saying that Chen will definitely choose his ge. That kid will get some good talk from him later.
The dome was filled with shouts of giddy fangirls as he felt a presence behind him. It got even louder as he felt warm arms enveloping his body.
“You’re red, ge.” Chen’s voice was teasing as he whisper those words in his ears. And he can’t help but smile wider when he heard his laughter as Chen rock their bodies along with the cheer of the crowd and their members.
“What about you, Lay-ssi?” It was his turn now.
“I love all of my members but I’ll choose... Chen-ssi.” And the hug he got from the boy’s stronger than Suho’s shout of “Get married already.”
And maybe, they will, in another lifetime that will allow it. But for now, this is enough.
***
“Hyung! You’re bleeding...” Kim Jongdae’s worried face shocked him, or more of the fact that the new trainee knew what blood looks like.
“How do you know I’m bleeding, Jongdae-ah?” He wanted to make sure.
“Why are you asking that at a time like this?!?” He was clearly panicking and yet he can’t help but smile over it, his dimples in full view of the other boy. “Oh my god! Did you hit your head?!? Let’s go to the clinic first, okay hyung?!?”
“Are you sure this is blood?”
“Of course I’m sure! Why the hell would you be covered in red if that’s not blood!?!” The frustration in his voice made him smile even wider.
“Let’s go to the clinic now, hyung, please...” There were tears in Jongdae’s eyes as he held his hand.
“I’m fine, Jongdae. It’s just tomato juice.”
“Oh...”
“Luhan poured this on me when I caught him and Minseok-hyung making out in the kitchen.” The red on Jongdae’s face was priceless. “Now, since when have you been seeing colors, Jongdae-ah?” He tried to hide the jealousy in his voice but failed.
“Just... now.” The last part whispered but it was clear in the silence of the living room. And the relief he felt made it even better.
“Oh... okay.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“This.” Jongdae’s indignant squeak as he pulled him closer and the redness creeping on his cheeks filled his senses before he close his eyes and kiss the other boy’s lips.
He’s been chasing many after lives for this.
******************
“Everyone, this is Kim Jongdae.” A lanky boy, who must be around his Zhang Yixing's age, bows beside the manager. “He’ll be part of the debut team so take care of him. And Yixing, help him at dance practice.” The said boy could only smile his dimpled smile when the other boy looks up from where he’s bowing and finally shows his face.
The yellow golden lights inside SM’s famous practice room seem brighter than the afternoon sun outside.
Title: Someday, at the end of the rainbow, I'll find you
Pairing: ChenLay
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: hinted smut, implied suicide, character death/s
Word count: 4,633
Summary: "Important encounters are planned by the souls long before the bodies meet each other."-Paulo Coelho
Author's note: Stirred away so much (I think) from the prompt but writing about soulmates with a dash of psychology of colors because i like, i love even, those topics, fascinates me since forever so thank you to the prompter! This is a very elaborate interpretation of “If We Love Again”, please blmae Kim Jongdae's (& Chanyeol) version for that. It was playing on loop when I saw the prompt :)
The sun was setting on the horizon when Jongdae looked up from his table. The view from his office gives him full access to one of the most breathtaking event in one’s life. But what’s the use of watching the sunset on top of one of the tallest building in town when everywhere he looks, there’s just a big, grey sphere slowly sinking on equally grey clouds? Or that of the beautiful Han river beyond with its murky water? The landscaping below was trimmed to perfection & yet he couldn’t appreciate the roses or the daffodils, even the tall palm trees dancing in the soft breeze.
“When you find your soulmate, everything will have its color.” His mother told him when he’s just a child; his young mind’s too scared of the black & white enveloping his vision. He didn’t know the word but the smile on his mother’s face tells him that it’s a good thing. “You’ll understand when you’re older, Dae.” He is now, a successful businessman at a young age of 28. It’s the right age to settle down & build a family but he still hasn’t found that term his mother uttered when he was five.
“You should go out & have fun, Jongdae. Maybe you’ll find him at the bar!” That was his friend’s suggestion when he called earlier, reminding him of their monthly get-together that evening. Baekhyun was adamant on finding his so called soulmate, too eager to play the matchmaker. He didn’t want to go. Or rather, he didn’t want to be a fifth wheel. But he also didn’t want to earn his other friend’s wrath so he really didn’t have a choice. “We haven’t seen you in ages, you brat! Get down here or I’ll murder you in your sleep.” He’s not afraid of his friend; he was used to Kyungsoo’s threat since forever. Or of dying, his mind supplied, not at this rate his life is going anyway, but finding his other half in the middle of a crowded place was more appealing than staring at the infinite grey displayed infront of him.
His employees greeted him as he passed by. Most of them were getting ready to go home to their family, while some were cozying up with their colleagues for a weekend night out, just like his friends were dragging him to. And as he stares at them from where he’s standing on the lobby, waiting for the elevator to come, he can’t help but feel a little envious. They seem so happy like his friends whom already have found their soulmates. Kyungsoo got himself a Canadian hottie while Baekhyun have their other friend, Chanyeol. Even his older cousin snagged a Chinese chaebol. Don’t get him wrong. He’s contented with his life, but since when contentment been truly synonymous with happiness?
He can feel that his soulmate’s somewhere out there. It was so strong when he was a teenager, like a buzz in his system indicating that he’s someplace near. He would search for him in a crowd or wait for the colors he learned when he was a child, any of them, to burst in his eyes. He used to anticipate that when he was younger, when he was that hopeful youth believing in every word his mother told him... but not anymore. He has resigned himself that he wouldn’t be with his twin soul in this lifetime. Because the hands of clock are ticking and he doesn’t have time to find who he is.
The world is big and... Six months isn’t enough.
And maybe he didn’t need six months to wait for that. He didn’t need 6 months to finally, finally, see the greens & browns of the palms trees towering over him. He didn’t need 6 months to see the oranges & indigos swirling in the sky. He didn’t need 6 months to know that pink really looks good on someone’s lips even if it was frantically shouting for help. It was too early yet too late at the same time.
Very wrong timing, Jongdae. And the purple earphones dangling on the stranger’s neck was the last thing he saw as he closed his eyes.
He didn’t need 6 months to know what it feels like to be in the arms of the one meant for you. He only needed 8 hours.
***
There was something about the unconscious man that tugs at Yixing’s heart. He’s too young, must be around his age. But it wasn’t that that bothers him. It was the blackness that engulfs his vision, like the colors he’s been seeing since he was a child was gone for a second. And yet when he opened his eyes to look down at the dying man’s face, a small smile straining the other’s lips, the blood was red again.
It was probably coz of the shock. His mind tells him as he stares at the ambulance driving away from the scene. The vibrating phone on his back pocket pulled him out of his reverie. It was his friend, Kris. He’s late and they’re all probably waiting for him.
“Ge, I’m on my way! There’s just a-”
“I’m sorry Xing, but something came up.” Kris cut him off. He can hear someone sobbing at the other line.
“Are you okay? Is there something wrong?”
“I’m fine but Soo’s not.” There was a pause, a whisper of ‘calm down, baby’. “Their friend, the one we’re going to introduce to you, he got into an accident. We’re going to the hospital. I’m really sorry, Xing.”
“Oh.” There it is again, that pang in his chest. “It’s okay. Tell Kyungsoo it’ll be fine. I’ll see you both soon, okay?”
“Yeah, thanks Yixing. Bye.”
“Bye.” The face of the man from earlier swims in his mind. How funny fate plays? He thinks as he stares at the phone in his hand. The coincidence of him witnessing a vehicular accident while going to the bar Kris texted him to go to, dreading the blind date they put up for him, and Kyungsoo’s friend involving in one was just fate playing its role in their lives.
He didn’t want to meet someone. He doesn't need one either. He’s happy with Wendy even if she’s not his soulmate. He’s contented in their open relationship and if the time comes that she found the one right for her, he’s ready. It’s not like he didn’t know what he gotten himself into. But for now, he’s happy. He just wished that the deceased young man was the same when he was still alive. And he prays that Kyungsoo’s friend found his right one on another lifetime.
******************
“Have you ever felt like going to the moon?”
“Aren’t you being disrespectful?” It was reprimanding, yet he can hear the little laugh behind it.
“Have you ever felt like going to the moon, Your Majesty?” Chen smiled when he heard the snort beside him.
“No.”
“Have you ever wondered what could have been out there?” Chen kept his eyes on the clear, black sky scattered with twinkling white dots.
“What’s with all the questions?”
“Nothing...just curious.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for the big day tomorrow?”
“Like you’re one to talk...” Chen mumbled but he heard it clearly anyway. “Then why aren’t you sleeping then?”
“You wanted to see me, so here I am. But if I have known you just wanted to ask me about the moon & what- nots, I wouldn’t put on a robe and sneak in here.” He hides his smirk in the shadows when he saw Chen’s pouting.
“Well, I wanted to congratulate you first on your wedding tomorrow, your Highness.” Chen was looking at him despite the dimness, unspoken words and sins lingering in between them.
“You know you’re the one I love right?” He cupped Chen’s face, tracing the features through the darkness that envelopes them.
“I know. And I know that you’re seeing colors since you were born, Yixing.” He likes the sound of his name from Chen’s lips, like the way they were uttered with so much tenderness. “You have known Lady Soojung since you were kids so it’s okay. I still love you and I’m happy for you, your Highness.” The lips he’s tracing were quivering as it said those words and not even his kisses can’t stop it.
Emperor Zhang Yixing wanted to say sorry... wanted to tell his eunuch that everything will be fine... but he couldn’t. He love Chen but he’s not his soulmate (his heart’s protesting otherwise), Soojung is, at least from what the norm dictates. And at least he knew that Chen didn’t know what color even means and what they looked like.
“I’m going back to Joseon tomorrow... so this is a goodbye too.” And he felt the farewell even before he heard the words. Chen’s lips were warm against the dampness that touched his face.
They have sex countless times that night. It was slow and sweet like the first time, butterfly kisses fluttering on soft skin, hands threading on silky hair, languid movements and whispered I love you’s at the end of the night. Then it was fast, furious thrusting on abused hole, skin littered with marks and bites, sweat and tears and broken sobs of “Please, stay” as dawn approaches.
They made love that night, a love that is forbidden... a love that has no place in that lifetime.
***
The white and pink flowers were so beautiful against the green grass that surrounds the square. The music coming from the palace’s musicians clad in multicolored robes filling the festivity around the place. But amidst the hues scattered infront of him, his eyes can only see the silk blue robe cladding the man from afar. The emperor was shimmering under the clear, sunny sky and he can’t help but bask in it for the last time.
Kim Jongdae wasn’t Eunuch Chen anymore when he stepped outside the place where he left his heart and soul. And the smile adorning His Majesty’s face was brighter than the sun as he silently said goodbye.
******************
Ghost marriages aren’t unusual, at least on Chinese culture. He perfectly knew that. But there’s a big difference between the readings from a book to being involved in one. It was just unfortunate that he couldn’t say no to his friend Zitao. And that his mother already agreed in behalf of him when the Huang’s presented them with a hefty dowry which their family returned with equal favor. “It’s an honor to be part of the Huang’s, Yixing” his mother said; “The merging of our family is to our advantage” his father added when the meeting was over.
Zhang Yixing doesn’t understand it. Or rather he doesn’t want to. Not when his future, his entire life, is at stake here.
“It wouldn’t be that bad.” He felt the chill running down his spine before he even heard the words.
Easy for you to say. He wanted to shout, but the eerie silence surrounding them prevented him from doing so. He wanted to end this now. But when he saw his mother sternly looking across from him and the ecstatic faces of the other family surrounding them, he held his tongue from lashing out over this madness. The floating spirit beside him isn’t any different.
“I like that kid, Shi Xun, for my brother, you know. It’s just too bad that I couldn’t get to know him better.” Jin Zhong Da, his spirit-bride, was the most talkative ghost he has ever encountered. And that’s saying something with the profession he’s in.
And maybe it was his ability’s fault to begin with. Being a paranormal investigator and his curiosity on strange things won him over when Huang Zitao asked his help to talk with his deceased brother. Or maybe it was Shi Xun’s “I’ll introduce you to my Fan-ge” that made it happen. He didn’t know. He doesn’t want to know. He just wanted to get this over with.
The traditional clothes he’s wearing is itchy and the black leather gloves on his hands’ becoming unbearable with the summer heat. The fire from the burning effigy isn’t helping either. But then a cold hand was on top of his and goosebumps were even rising on his arms. He looked to his right and greeted with a smiling Zhong Da.
“Just bear with it a little longer, yeah? At least until Tao-Tao & Shi Xun’s wedding day... or until that Yifan finally asked you out. ” The last part was whispered but he heard it anyway. Zhong Da was looking at his brother again but the smile he gave before was replaced with something akin to sadness. He was curious but he doesn’t want to pry.
“Let’s go, husband.” Zhong Da’s cheeky voice startled him and when he saw the once lively portrait of his spirit-bride turned into ashes, he knew it’s over. The ceremony has ended and his fate is sealed. For the time being...
***
“Thank you, Da-ge.” He heard his brother talking to his portrait on his room, or rather his now husband’s room, who’s sleeping soundly in the middle of the king-size bed, totally unaware of Tao’s presence.
No, thank you, Taozi. He wanted to say but he can’t so he settled with blowing lightly on his brother’s left ear, a gesture that didn’t go unnoticed when he heard him giggling.
“Yah! I know you’re here, ge!” Another blow. “I brought your favorite flower and the one you requested. Are you sure you wanted me to give this to Xing-ge every day?” Another light breeze. “All right then.” Tao placed the flower on the bedside table. “You really love him, don’t you?” Always. The bouquet of iris beside the portrait swayed. “I hope you’re happy there, ge.”
I wish I could be, Tao. He whispered as he watched his brother leave the room. Yixing was stirring from his deep slumber. And he couldn’t help but smile when the man finally open his eyes and look straight to where he’s standing.
“Good morning, husband!” He was just greeted with a grumble. Yixing wasn’t a morning person after all. And he can’t help but laugh a little at that, a distant memory fleeting in his mind. He didn’t change, not even in this lifetime.
***
There was a single purple rose on the bedside table when Yixing woke up on the very first morning of him being Zhong Da’s husband. And the days that followed too. Either it was placed on the table or rested atop the pillow on the unoccupied side of the bed.
And he knew where it’s coming from. Or who gave it to him and it never fails to amuse him but he won’t do anything about it.
“I saw indigo when I first saw you with Taozi so I requested for you when Mom said his marriage won’t happen. My brother asked you talk to me so I can help him with Mom but this happened. I’m sorry, Yixing.” He remembers Zhong Da’s words when he decided to help his little brother.
“I’ve been seeing colors since I was born.” He also remembers Zhong Da’s face when he said those words and the brief spell of darkness he felt when he heard the other boy’s voice.
“Oh... d- don’t mistook it as anything else. I’ve seen colors before.” The smile on the other’s face belies what he’s seeing in his eyes. Yixing was very curious but he doesn’t want to ask why, doesn’t want to build any kind of relationship between them... doesn’t want Zhong Da to think that helping him will turn into something deeper. Zhong Da’s dead and he’s alive and in love with someone else. He’ll be free after 100 days and Zhong Da will be gone for good in heaven.
And the purple roses were wilting on the corner as Zi Tao & Shi Xun’s wedding day approaches.
***
3 months have passed quietly between them; sometimes with a small row over Zhong Da’s endless blabbering and his affinity to blow on his neck when he’s working or when his disrupting his date with Yifan, the last one he was not really keen to dwell on. The camaraderie was there somewhere... when he can’t help but laugh at Zhong Da’s antics or the latter asking him how his day was. It lingers inside their room, in the serenity that engulfs them every night when he’s lying on the bed while Zhong Da’s drifting by the window and the lullabies that the latter hums when he thought he was already asleep.
It was there as every day passes by and sometimes he can’t help but ponder on the “what if’s” but stops every time. And when he woke up on the morning of Tao and Shi Xun’s wedding day with a bouquet of sweet pea surrounding a single purple rose, blackness consuming him and obscuring his vision on the array of violets by his side, he found himself frantically searching for the other.
“I’ll be gone on 3rd week of the 9th month.” Zhong Da’s soft voice rings in his ears as he stares at the marked calendar on the bedside table. He’s free... but he feels otherwise, a sense of emptiness slowly engulfing his being as he gaze at the big vase full of dead iris underneath it.
******************
The place is very different from his hometown. He thinks, as he looks outside the passenger seat.
There were lots of tall buildings and cars passing by. Seoul is a very busy city bustling with life and activities. There may be fewer greens but this will be his home now, where he’ll make his dream come true... where he’ll find that person he’s been looking for so long.
******************
“Yixing-ge...”
“Hmmm...”
“What does the color orange looks like?”
“Why?”
“Nothing... just curious.”
“Are you seeing colors now, Jongdae!?!” A wide eyed Yixing caught him off-guard.
“No!” Yes.
“Then why are you asking?!?” Because I wanted to know if what I’m seeing is true.
“I told you I’m just curious.” He smiled his Cheshire cat smile at the still suspicious look his ge was giving.
“Hmmm... I can’t really describe it Dae. But when you see it, it’ll make you feel warm all over, you know, like when we’re stretching our hands over the fireplace?” And Yixing’s probably right, warmth seeping through his veins and reaching his core as he gazes at his friends glowing face bathing in the orange hues painting the sky.
He can’t remember when it started. Maybe since they were children, when they were still in diapers and playing on the sandbox with Yixing building a fort and declaring himself his prince... or maybe when they were in grade school, teenage angst all over the place but Yixing’s still there protecting him from the bullies calling him names. Or that one afternoon on their way home from university, while Yixing was walking by his side and he saw specks of orange dancing in the sky as the sun sets in the horizon.
Or maybe Kim Jongdae was, is, in love with Zhang Yixing since forever. He feels that way... feels that they have known each other from ages ago... have loved the other from another lifetime. He feels that way whenever he looks at his ge, just like this moment. And the colors slowly engulfing his vision were just a confirmation because even if he can’t distinguish the green from blue or the violet from indigo, he’d probably be still in love with him.
“Oh...” He answered faintly.
“It does feel like it when I saw Irene the first time. But I really couldn’t tell since I’ve been seeing colors since I was born... anyway, you’re gonna help me with my proposal right?”
He nods & the orange sky feels like a scorching flame burning his heart as he looks at his best friend’s smiling face. The face that haunts him in his sleep, in his dreams of different eras that left him confused when he wakes up... longing and wanting residing in his chest. It’s the face that will be engraved in his mind until his last breath.
***
“Xing-Xing ge...”
“Hmmm...”
“You know I love you, right?” Yixing was taken aback by Jongdae’s question. He’s not sure why, but the lilt in his voice tells him there’s something wrong.
“Of course! And I love you too, Dae. You’re my bestfriend and little brother rolled into one!” He didn’t get to see the sad smile on the other’s face when he hugs him. Nor when Jongdae bid goodbye, the chaste kiss planted on his cheek rooting him on his spot as the other boy closes their door.
***
There’s a body lying on the cold, bathroom floor that night.
***
Yixing woke up to the sound of his phone incessantly ringing by his side and the blaring sound of sirens passing by his house. A moment of obscure darkness and a sinking feeling at the pit of his stomach made him bolt upright as he slowly comprehend the message he just received.
There’s a flash of a memory from another time clouding his mind as he drives towards his destination.
***
He will never get to tell Yixing that he’s seeing colors for a while now or that he loves him even if he doesn’t get to see them. He will bury it along his grave for he is dying. He knows that since a couple of months now and the pool of blood that surrounded him minutes ago made him remember the reason why he wanted to cut his suffering shorter.
There’s regret as he listen to his mother’s cry, and Yixing’s tear- stricken face dancing in his vision as he struggle to open his eyes. But as the first ray of sunshine permeates the green curtain of the hospital room, enveloping the man he loves standing at the foot of his bed, it tells him there may be hope for him, for his love, for them.
The warmth of the rising sun promising him of forever, leaving a small smile on his lips as he finally closes his eyes.
******************
The place is very different from his hometown. He thinks, as he walks along the busy streets of Seoul.
There were lots of tall buildings and cars passing by. It’s a very busy city bustling with life and activities. And although there may be fewer greens in this place, this will be his home now, where he’ll make his dreams come true... where he’ll look for that person he’s been longing for.
******************
“Is there a member you would like to date if you were a girl?”
“Uhmm... Lay-hyung.”
“Why?”
“Coz he’s kind and he takes care of us very well. And he’s handsome, especially on stage.”
“Do you have any idea that Chen-ssi feels that way Lay-ssi?”
“No...”
“Do you have a member you’d date if you were a girl?”
“Ah... I like all of the members but...Chen-ssi.”
“Why?”
“He’s considerate and kind. And he helps me sing my compositions.”
They were both red in the face as the members keep teasing them with Baekhyun leading the chant of “Kiss, Kiss”.
***
“If you were not in EXO, whose member will you be a fan of?” The emcee asked. They were having a fan meet in Japan and he heard that question countless of times but it didn’t stop him from wondering if the answer of the boy below him will change.
“You only have Chanyeol and Lay-hyung to choose from! Oh, and Suho-hyung too!” He heard Baekhyun from his side.
“Can they just play rock-paper-scissors?” Chen was having a hard time deciding and he didn’t like the way he’s pressuring himself so he catch his gaze, silently telling the other that it’s okay. And Chen, no, Jongdae, smiled at him when he saw him.
“No, you have to choose.”
“Okay, I’ll do it.” Chen shouted amidst the other members shouting their two cents in.
“Why don’t you back hug the person you like?” The emcee suggested, earning shrieks from thousands of fans infront of them.
“Oh, okay!” Chen eagerly agreed.
“Close your eyes, you three, and Chen will stand behind whoever he chooses.” The emcee instructed. He reluctantly closes his eyes as he heard Baekhyun saying that Chen will definitely choose his ge. That kid will get some good talk from him later.
The dome was filled with shouts of giddy fangirls as he felt a presence behind him. It got even louder as he felt warm arms enveloping his body.
“You’re red, ge.” Chen’s voice was teasing as he whisper those words in his ears. And he can’t help but smile wider when he heard his laughter as Chen rock their bodies along with the cheer of the crowd and their members.
“What about you, Lay-ssi?” It was his turn now.
“I love all of my members but I’ll choose... Chen-ssi.” And the hug he got from the boy’s stronger than Suho’s shout of “Get married already.”
And maybe, they will, in another lifetime that will allow it. But for now, this is enough.
***
“Hyung! You’re bleeding...” Kim Jongdae’s worried face shocked him, or more of the fact that the new trainee knew what blood looks like.
“How do you know I’m bleeding, Jongdae-ah?” He wanted to make sure.
“Why are you asking that at a time like this?!?” He was clearly panicking and yet he can’t help but smile over it, his dimples in full view of the other boy. “Oh my god! Did you hit your head?!? Let’s go to the clinic first, okay hyung?!?”
“Are you sure this is blood?”
“Of course I’m sure! Why the hell would you be covered in red if that’s not blood!?!” The frustration in his voice made him smile even wider.
“Let’s go to the clinic now, hyung, please...” There were tears in Jongdae’s eyes as he held his hand.
“I’m fine, Jongdae. It’s just tomato juice.”
“Oh...”
“Luhan poured this on me when I caught him and Minseok-hyung making out in the kitchen.” The red on Jongdae’s face was priceless. “Now, since when have you been seeing colors, Jongdae-ah?” He tried to hide the jealousy in his voice but failed.
“Just... now.” The last part whispered but it was clear in the silence of the living room. And the relief he felt made it even better.
“Oh... okay.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“This.” Jongdae’s indignant squeak as he pulled him closer and the redness creeping on his cheeks filled his senses before he close his eyes and kiss the other boy’s lips.
He’s been chasing many after lives for this.
******************
“Everyone, this is Kim Jongdae.” A lanky boy, who must be around his Zhang Yixing's age, bows beside the manager. “He’ll be part of the debut team so take care of him. And Yixing, help him at dance practice.” The said boy could only smile his dimpled smile when the other boy looks up from where he’s bowing and finally shows his face.
The yellow golden lights inside SM’s famous practice room seem brighter than the afternoon sun outside.