How Things Are Supposed To Be - for jaejoongscat
Title: How Things Are Supposed To Be
For: jaejoongscat
Pairing: Jongin/Jongdae
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Bullying. Violence. Homophobia.
Word count: 2,162
Summary: Golden boys weren’t supposed to be gay.
It was never supposed to be this way.
Jongin should have been preparing for the second half of his last high school football game with the rest of the team: huddled over sweaty benches and gargling watered down Gatorade, all while trying to catch their breath and listen to the coach drone on about their strategy. That’s where he should be, and as captain, he should have been up front, the first pair of eyes his coach make contact with during his supporting speech, and the first member to start their manly grunts to pump them up. It made sense, and it’s where Kim Jongin, golden boy and poster child for the cliché high school jock story, was meant to be.
It was never supposed to be this way.
Lockers smashed loudly in the empty hallway, bending in slightly at the weight of the boy thrown roughly against them. A single light flickering in the hall dimly lit the limp body as it slid to the floor. Groans filled the air, mixed with the harsh breathing of the second figure, standing roughly against the scene.
It was never supposed to be this way.
Kim Jongin panted heavily, clenching and unclenching his fists at his side, eyes shining brightly in the darkness as the crumbled body began to straighten. He watched, red flashing and body shaking, as the boy held himself up against the lockers, arms wrapped protectively around him and knees unable to fully lock.
Jongin breathed loudly out of his nose as he made contact with the wide eyes of the boy. Even with a marked up face, his hair falling over his eyes and lips bitten to the extreme, Kim Jongdae still had the same confident air around him as he always did.
Jongin hated it.
Pulling his arm back, Jongin aimed again, slamming his fist hard into Jongdae’s stomach, noting the sharp gasp of air that left him at the action. The sound urged him on, pushing Jongin to punch again, a hit to the chest this time, even a kick at his feet.
He wondered just how many hits it would take before the light surrounding Jongdae finally dimmed.
It was never supposed to be this way.
At one point or another, Jongdae legs finally gave in, and he crumpled to the floor again, body aching, only for Jongin to follow him down. Knees bent and arms moving, Jongin continued the blows, slowly becoming numb to the pain on his knuckles and the hollow feeling in his chest.
“Does this make you feel better?” The soft whisper momentarily stopped Jongin’s raised fist, the strength behind the words surprising them both. “Does it make you feel better….beating me up?”
It was never supposed to be this way.
Jongin’s eyes flashed black, and he reached out to clench the fabric of Jongdae’s shirt tight, pulling his body up. A growl released from his chest, and he opened his mouth to retort back, but Jongdae carried on.
“It won’t help you know…”
His mouth snapped shut, and he froze. The hallway was suddenly too quiet, Jongdae’s words too loud.
“No matter how much you beat me up or anyone else up, it’s not going to change anything…”
Jongin saw it all in his head, shutting his eyes tight and bringing his hands to his forehead in agony. He saw the fights he had gotten into at school, with his friends, teammates, and most of all: Jongdae. He remembered the satisfaction he felt as he walked away from each and every one of them, the feeling that he had righted himself in their eyes.
This would solve everything. Fighting made him manly, kept him as the golden boy in school, kept him normal.
He hadn’t realized he had spoken the words aloud until Jongdae replied, his voice fanning over Jongin’s closed face, making him shiver.
“You can’t punch away feelings, Jongin.”
Perhaps it was the use of his name, or maybe it was the fact that the words Jongdae spoke hurt him more than he would ever let on, but he finally snapped.
He stood up, knocking Jongdae backward with his knees, and then leant over to shove his shoulders back into the lockers, the bang spurring Jongin’s temper on.
Staring so close to the other’s face only made it worse, and Jongin had to look an inch to the left before he could manage to open his mouth.
“What feelings.”
Whistles could be heard from far away, and reality came crashing back into Jongin’s head. This was not where he was supposed to be.
With a final sneer, Jongin pushed himself off the other, turning back towards the game and the perfect path he was meant for.
But he had to throw one last punch in, aimed at the both of them.
“I could never be a fag like you.”
It was never supposed to be this way.
Falling for the new choir kid in school was never part of Jongin’s plan. He wasn’t supposed to be captivated by their smirk or the obnoxious smile they always had on. Jongin wasn’t supposed to be jealous of nerds like Kim Junmyeon or Do Kyungsoo, who got to see and spend time with them every day. Jongin wasn’t supposed to have a distraction in his life.
And he definitely wasn’t supposed to be feeling it all for a guy.
For months he denied it, both to himself and to others. He reasoned his jealousy on his secret desire to return to music again. So he joined the dance club. He explained that his interest in the new kid was because he wasn’t used to having new kids at their school. He told his friends when he was caught staring at Jongdae’s cheekbones that it was because he had never seen someone so ugly. He talked his way through it all, and hoped to god that the words would suddenly become true to him.
It never worked.
His next step in denial was avoidance. He stopped going anywhere near the choir room, stopped looking at the other during class, turned around in the hallway when he saw him.
Out of sight out of mind.
It never worked.
The last step hurt the most, literally and figuratively. He started being violent, hitting any and everyone who made a comment about him, or Jongdae.
It started out as a meaningless shove to his friends when they saw him staring at the choir bulletin board. Then it escalated. The next thing Jongin knew, he was leaving behind bloodied students in the hallway, determined to beat the sense out of them, or better yet, the idea of Jongin liking a guy.
Soon enough, Jongin projected his rage on Jongdae himself, elbowing him in the hallway, making rude remarks when he entered a room, everything.
If Jongdae was like any other person at the school, he would have backed down from there, would have avoided the other with all his might. But Jongdae…had to be Jongdae.
Every blow that Jongin took at the other, Jongdae answered back, standing tall and taking each and every hit without a care, until Jongin was left confused and without energy.
Jongin didn’t understand Jongdae, nor did he understand himself.
The game changed on the day that Jongdae admitted he liked the other, confessed to him in the middle of the hallway like some hyped up school proposal. It was loud and shocking and everything that Jongdae was: and it scared the shit out of Jongin.
Jongin hit him the hardest that day, as half the school watched him kick and beat a boy that confessed he was gay for the school golden boy.
Jongin heard the crowd’s murmur of approval even as he pushed at Jongdae with all his might. It was what was expected, and Jongin was just playing along…
But Jongdae never left.
No matter how many times Jongin hurt him physically and mentally, pushed him up and over the edge, denied him and called him out for being gay, Jongdae kept coming back, his usual smirk now one of pity. And it hurt more than the punches ever could.
Months went by in the same cycle, and nothing progressed. Jongdae still told Jongin he liked him every chance he could, and Jongin took every possible opportunity to hurt Jongdae as much as he could.
The two graduated in late spring, and Jongin marched across the stage still chanting the same mantra too himself:
“I’m not gay. I’m not gay. I’m not gay.”
Not even his own head believed him anymore.
After high school, they went their separate ways: Jongin going on to college as was expected, while Jongdae got a job at a bookstore downtown. It was where they were meant to go…
Years later has Jongin pushed up against the subway door, his suit uncomfortably tight in the crowd heat and his face etched into a permanent scowl. Even as a business man he was perfection, everything that people strived for.
And still as miserable as ever.
The train car lurches, and his body is thrown to the right, smacking into a smaller body beside him. Jongin quietly apologized, turning back toward the door, when the voice beside him froze him completely.
“This might be the first time I’ve ever heard you apologize.”
Jongin didn’t move, didn’t look down to see the sparkling eyes or the wide smile of the other, but he didn’t have to. Not even years could rid his mind of everything that was Kim Jongdae.
Suddenly he was back in high school, staring down at the smaller boy as he pummeled him against every hard surface; and present Jongin involuntarily clenched his fist at the thought.
Jongdae noticed, his eyes going wide before taking a cautious step back. Jongin hurt at the look of pain in the other’s eyes. But it was to be expected.
Jongin reached out, pulling Jongdae closer by the crook of his elbow till their sides were flushed together. For the first time in years, Jongin blushed, meeting eyes with the other before gulping.
They both held their breath, only to release it loudly together at Jongin’s final words.
“I want to start over.”
Their relationship wasn’t an easy one, wasn’t the typical fairytale romance or even close to a clichéd teen romance novel. It had bumps and bruises and pains, just like the two men themselves had.
But Jongdae never left. And Jongin made sure that this time, he always stayed.
They were both good at this: sloppy kisses down each other’s neck, hands groping backsides and tearing off clothing as they lazily humped on top of the sheets. Jongin takes a minutes to ogle how good Jongdae looks below him, eyes flushed and skin red as he panted, before he dove back in for a heated kiss. This was way better than good.
The sound of a zipper pulling caused the taller man to stop, leaning back on his elbows to eye Jongdae with wide eyes.
“What are you-“
Jongdae hushed him, fully unzipping the other’s pants and tugging them down none too gently.
“Loving you.”
Jongin panted heavily, hand clenched tightly in Jongdae’s locks as he stared down helplessly, watching the other take him in with practiced sucks. Jongin’s hand comes up to cradles his jaw, and Jongdae’s eyes flutter shut as he takes more of him in. Jongdae’s tongue moves eagerly, tracing patterns up and down the underside of Jongin’s dick, causing the other to shiver uncontrollably, falling back onto the mattress helplessly.
“Fuck”
Jongdae continued his ministrations, making sure to use his hands to fondle Jongin’s balls while swirling his mouth up and down his member, a smirk playing at his lips at the sounds he was making the other emit. He felt powerful.
Jongin roughly growled, hauling the smaller boy up suddenly on his chest, pressing their lips together hard. Jongdae relaxed into him, hands coming up to whisper against Jongin’s sides, causing the other to jump as his arm moved to the bedside drawer in search.
Once prepared, they stared determinedly at each other’s faces, eyes holding memories and feelings that they both couldn’t even try to explain in words. Jongdae reached out, lacing their fingers together tightly, and Jongin was glad for the support, suddenly unsure.
His anxiety displayed clearly on his face, causing Jongdae to snort, a sound that Jongin had become used to hearing by now. Jongdae pressed the tip of his nose to Jongin’s, and softly blew air on to Jongin’s lips.
Jongin gasped, oversensitive as it was, his arms coming up to clamp on Jongdae’s hips.
“Do it, Jongin…” Jongdae nosed his way down Jongin’s neck, nibbling softly in the crook. “Show me how much you love me.”
Lips pressed together in concentration, Jongin began to move his hips, smiling at the sounds Jongdae began to make.
“Always.”
It was definitely supposed to be this way.
dear jaejoongscat: hello! sorry ahead of time for making it very angsty and short and cutting it off. Was thinking about doing a sequel tho so o.O
For: jaejoongscat
Pairing: Jongin/Jongdae
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Bullying. Violence. Homophobia.
Word count: 2,162
Summary: Golden boys weren’t supposed to be gay.
It was never supposed to be this way.
Jongin should have been preparing for the second half of his last high school football game with the rest of the team: huddled over sweaty benches and gargling watered down Gatorade, all while trying to catch their breath and listen to the coach drone on about their strategy. That’s where he should be, and as captain, he should have been up front, the first pair of eyes his coach make contact with during his supporting speech, and the first member to start their manly grunts to pump them up. It made sense, and it’s where Kim Jongin, golden boy and poster child for the cliché high school jock story, was meant to be.
It was never supposed to be this way.
Lockers smashed loudly in the empty hallway, bending in slightly at the weight of the boy thrown roughly against them. A single light flickering in the hall dimly lit the limp body as it slid to the floor. Groans filled the air, mixed with the harsh breathing of the second figure, standing roughly against the scene.
It was never supposed to be this way.
Kim Jongin panted heavily, clenching and unclenching his fists at his side, eyes shining brightly in the darkness as the crumbled body began to straighten. He watched, red flashing and body shaking, as the boy held himself up against the lockers, arms wrapped protectively around him and knees unable to fully lock.
Jongin breathed loudly out of his nose as he made contact with the wide eyes of the boy. Even with a marked up face, his hair falling over his eyes and lips bitten to the extreme, Kim Jongdae still had the same confident air around him as he always did.
Jongin hated it.
Pulling his arm back, Jongin aimed again, slamming his fist hard into Jongdae’s stomach, noting the sharp gasp of air that left him at the action. The sound urged him on, pushing Jongin to punch again, a hit to the chest this time, even a kick at his feet.
He wondered just how many hits it would take before the light surrounding Jongdae finally dimmed.
It was never supposed to be this way.
At one point or another, Jongdae legs finally gave in, and he crumpled to the floor again, body aching, only for Jongin to follow him down. Knees bent and arms moving, Jongin continued the blows, slowly becoming numb to the pain on his knuckles and the hollow feeling in his chest.
“Does this make you feel better?” The soft whisper momentarily stopped Jongin’s raised fist, the strength behind the words surprising them both. “Does it make you feel better….beating me up?”
It was never supposed to be this way.
Jongin’s eyes flashed black, and he reached out to clench the fabric of Jongdae’s shirt tight, pulling his body up. A growl released from his chest, and he opened his mouth to retort back, but Jongdae carried on.
“It won’t help you know…”
His mouth snapped shut, and he froze. The hallway was suddenly too quiet, Jongdae’s words too loud.
“No matter how much you beat me up or anyone else up, it’s not going to change anything…”
Jongin saw it all in his head, shutting his eyes tight and bringing his hands to his forehead in agony. He saw the fights he had gotten into at school, with his friends, teammates, and most of all: Jongdae. He remembered the satisfaction he felt as he walked away from each and every one of them, the feeling that he had righted himself in their eyes.
This would solve everything. Fighting made him manly, kept him as the golden boy in school, kept him normal.
He hadn’t realized he had spoken the words aloud until Jongdae replied, his voice fanning over Jongin’s closed face, making him shiver.
“You can’t punch away feelings, Jongin.”
Perhaps it was the use of his name, or maybe it was the fact that the words Jongdae spoke hurt him more than he would ever let on, but he finally snapped.
He stood up, knocking Jongdae backward with his knees, and then leant over to shove his shoulders back into the lockers, the bang spurring Jongin’s temper on.
Staring so close to the other’s face only made it worse, and Jongin had to look an inch to the left before he could manage to open his mouth.
“What feelings.”
Whistles could be heard from far away, and reality came crashing back into Jongin’s head. This was not where he was supposed to be.
With a final sneer, Jongin pushed himself off the other, turning back towards the game and the perfect path he was meant for.
But he had to throw one last punch in, aimed at the both of them.
“I could never be a fag like you.”
It was never supposed to be this way.
Falling for the new choir kid in school was never part of Jongin’s plan. He wasn’t supposed to be captivated by their smirk or the obnoxious smile they always had on. Jongin wasn’t supposed to be jealous of nerds like Kim Junmyeon or Do Kyungsoo, who got to see and spend time with them every day. Jongin wasn’t supposed to have a distraction in his life.
And he definitely wasn’t supposed to be feeling it all for a guy.
For months he denied it, both to himself and to others. He reasoned his jealousy on his secret desire to return to music again. So he joined the dance club. He explained that his interest in the new kid was because he wasn’t used to having new kids at their school. He told his friends when he was caught staring at Jongdae’s cheekbones that it was because he had never seen someone so ugly. He talked his way through it all, and hoped to god that the words would suddenly become true to him.
It never worked.
His next step in denial was avoidance. He stopped going anywhere near the choir room, stopped looking at the other during class, turned around in the hallway when he saw him.
Out of sight out of mind.
It never worked.
The last step hurt the most, literally and figuratively. He started being violent, hitting any and everyone who made a comment about him, or Jongdae.
It started out as a meaningless shove to his friends when they saw him staring at the choir bulletin board. Then it escalated. The next thing Jongin knew, he was leaving behind bloodied students in the hallway, determined to beat the sense out of them, or better yet, the idea of Jongin liking a guy.
Soon enough, Jongin projected his rage on Jongdae himself, elbowing him in the hallway, making rude remarks when he entered a room, everything.
If Jongdae was like any other person at the school, he would have backed down from there, would have avoided the other with all his might. But Jongdae…had to be Jongdae.
Every blow that Jongin took at the other, Jongdae answered back, standing tall and taking each and every hit without a care, until Jongin was left confused and without energy.
Jongin didn’t understand Jongdae, nor did he understand himself.
The game changed on the day that Jongdae admitted he liked the other, confessed to him in the middle of the hallway like some hyped up school proposal. It was loud and shocking and everything that Jongdae was: and it scared the shit out of Jongin.
Jongin hit him the hardest that day, as half the school watched him kick and beat a boy that confessed he was gay for the school golden boy.
Jongin heard the crowd’s murmur of approval even as he pushed at Jongdae with all his might. It was what was expected, and Jongin was just playing along…
But Jongdae never left.
No matter how many times Jongin hurt him physically and mentally, pushed him up and over the edge, denied him and called him out for being gay, Jongdae kept coming back, his usual smirk now one of pity. And it hurt more than the punches ever could.
Months went by in the same cycle, and nothing progressed. Jongdae still told Jongin he liked him every chance he could, and Jongin took every possible opportunity to hurt Jongdae as much as he could.
The two graduated in late spring, and Jongin marched across the stage still chanting the same mantra too himself:
“I’m not gay. I’m not gay. I’m not gay.”
Not even his own head believed him anymore.
After high school, they went their separate ways: Jongin going on to college as was expected, while Jongdae got a job at a bookstore downtown. It was where they were meant to go…
Years later has Jongin pushed up against the subway door, his suit uncomfortably tight in the crowd heat and his face etched into a permanent scowl. Even as a business man he was perfection, everything that people strived for.
And still as miserable as ever.
The train car lurches, and his body is thrown to the right, smacking into a smaller body beside him. Jongin quietly apologized, turning back toward the door, when the voice beside him froze him completely.
“This might be the first time I’ve ever heard you apologize.”
Jongin didn’t move, didn’t look down to see the sparkling eyes or the wide smile of the other, but he didn’t have to. Not even years could rid his mind of everything that was Kim Jongdae.
Suddenly he was back in high school, staring down at the smaller boy as he pummeled him against every hard surface; and present Jongin involuntarily clenched his fist at the thought.
Jongdae noticed, his eyes going wide before taking a cautious step back. Jongin hurt at the look of pain in the other’s eyes. But it was to be expected.
Jongin reached out, pulling Jongdae closer by the crook of his elbow till their sides were flushed together. For the first time in years, Jongin blushed, meeting eyes with the other before gulping.
They both held their breath, only to release it loudly together at Jongin’s final words.
“I want to start over.”
Their relationship wasn’t an easy one, wasn’t the typical fairytale romance or even close to a clichéd teen romance novel. It had bumps and bruises and pains, just like the two men themselves had.
But Jongdae never left. And Jongin made sure that this time, he always stayed.
They were both good at this: sloppy kisses down each other’s neck, hands groping backsides and tearing off clothing as they lazily humped on top of the sheets. Jongin takes a minutes to ogle how good Jongdae looks below him, eyes flushed and skin red as he panted, before he dove back in for a heated kiss. This was way better than good.
The sound of a zipper pulling caused the taller man to stop, leaning back on his elbows to eye Jongdae with wide eyes.
“What are you-“
Jongdae hushed him, fully unzipping the other’s pants and tugging them down none too gently.
“Loving you.”
Jongin panted heavily, hand clenched tightly in Jongdae’s locks as he stared down helplessly, watching the other take him in with practiced sucks. Jongin’s hand comes up to cradles his jaw, and Jongdae’s eyes flutter shut as he takes more of him in. Jongdae’s tongue moves eagerly, tracing patterns up and down the underside of Jongin’s dick, causing the other to shiver uncontrollably, falling back onto the mattress helplessly.
“Fuck”
Jongdae continued his ministrations, making sure to use his hands to fondle Jongin’s balls while swirling his mouth up and down his member, a smirk playing at his lips at the sounds he was making the other emit. He felt powerful.
Jongin roughly growled, hauling the smaller boy up suddenly on his chest, pressing their lips together hard. Jongdae relaxed into him, hands coming up to whisper against Jongin’s sides, causing the other to jump as his arm moved to the bedside drawer in search.
Once prepared, they stared determinedly at each other’s faces, eyes holding memories and feelings that they both couldn’t even try to explain in words. Jongdae reached out, lacing their fingers together tightly, and Jongin was glad for the support, suddenly unsure.
His anxiety displayed clearly on his face, causing Jongdae to snort, a sound that Jongin had become used to hearing by now. Jongdae pressed the tip of his nose to Jongin’s, and softly blew air on to Jongin’s lips.
Jongin gasped, oversensitive as it was, his arms coming up to clamp on Jongdae’s hips.
“Do it, Jongin…” Jongdae nosed his way down Jongin’s neck, nibbling softly in the crook. “Show me how much you love me.”
Lips pressed together in concentration, Jongin began to move his hips, smiling at the sounds Jongdae began to make.
“Always.”
It was definitely supposed to be this way.
dear jaejoongscat: hello! sorry ahead of time for making it very angsty and short and cutting it off. Was thinking about doing a sequel tho so o.O