How To Eat A Sandwich
This quick tutorial is based on the example of the Podling, who, despite how it is presented to him, will invariably approach it in the following manner.
1. Accept sandwich with a polite "thank you." Staying on good terms with the food-givers will get you more sandwiches in the future, or at the very least implied permission to consume others' food as well as your own.
2. Ascertain that it is, in fact, peanut butter and some sort of fruity jam, then pull the pieces apart and lay them gooey-side-up on an appropriate surface. Choose something near to your height, as you will be bending frequently and a strained back will interfere with your next sandwich.
3. Verify its contents by dragging one or more fingers through the goo and tasting it. Do not lick all the remains off your fingers; this is what your pajamas are for. Use them. If you have accidentally dropped one or both pieces the wrong way down, correct them and sample what's on the table with all your fingers at once. This will be useful later on.
4. Eat the peanut butter and jam before the bread. This is very important. If you manage to eat the contents out first, you might get your food-giver to put more on the existing bread. Also, it tastes better. Place both hands on the table and bend until you are comfortable. You will be spending a lot of time in this position. Alternatively, pick up the bread and smash the peanut butter side into your mouth, scraping it off with your teeth. It isn't as proper, but in a pinch will work.
5. Decorate the table with what is left. Everyone appreciates art. Be daring. This is your only chance to express yourself in peanut butter. Your food-giver will find it adorable and give you a treat. Probably.
6. Be ready to run. Eventually your food-giver will realize that your pajamas, face and hands are beautiful, and try to ruin it with a wet cloth. Run like hell. The wet cloth steals pieces of your soul every second it is on your face.
7. Ask for another sandwich. Obviously.
1. Accept sandwich with a polite "thank you." Staying on good terms with the food-givers will get you more sandwiches in the future, or at the very least implied permission to consume others' food as well as your own.
2. Ascertain that it is, in fact, peanut butter and some sort of fruity jam, then pull the pieces apart and lay them gooey-side-up on an appropriate surface. Choose something near to your height, as you will be bending frequently and a strained back will interfere with your next sandwich.
3. Verify its contents by dragging one or more fingers through the goo and tasting it. Do not lick all the remains off your fingers; this is what your pajamas are for. Use them. If you have accidentally dropped one or both pieces the wrong way down, correct them and sample what's on the table with all your fingers at once. This will be useful later on.
4. Eat the peanut butter and jam before the bread. This is very important. If you manage to eat the contents out first, you might get your food-giver to put more on the existing bread. Also, it tastes better. Place both hands on the table and bend until you are comfortable. You will be spending a lot of time in this position. Alternatively, pick up the bread and smash the peanut butter side into your mouth, scraping it off with your teeth. It isn't as proper, but in a pinch will work.
5. Decorate the table with what is left. Everyone appreciates art. Be daring. This is your only chance to express yourself in peanut butter. Your food-giver will find it adorable and give you a treat. Probably.
6. Be ready to run. Eventually your food-giver will realize that your pajamas, face and hands are beautiful, and try to ruin it with a wet cloth. Run like hell. The wet cloth steals pieces of your soul every second it is on your face.
7. Ask for another sandwich. Obviously.