they say the devils water it aint so sweet
I havent posted in this journal since like 2005 when ever that was. What happened to me?
How have so many things changed? I just read all my old entries. Back when I was "punk" and had morals. Like, basketball, I was actually passionate about something then. I realy dont know whwat happened or what changed me.
Back when Me and jeremy were friends becuase we had two classes together. Three I guess if you could science. Before we made things complicated. Back when Robbie was my best friend too, I wish he would call me to hang out more, instead of just calling me to see if I had any weed. Back when I actually talked to rachel amalfitano, and cared about what was going on in everyones lives, Before I got fucked over by all these people. I now realize why people could walk all over me, I was too easy, too easily taken advantage of, because I cared WAY too much. I guess abby always saw that in me. I think she always saw my insecuritys even if I could not. The whole front I put on, the whole unreal me. I guess I wanted to be something else, other than what I felt I was going to turn into. I think back then I wanted to shape myself to be something different.
Its like I knew somehow that I would get in with everyone, and things would be routine and good like they are supposed to be and then by the time jr year would roll around everything would change up and switch around, people would be different and I wouldnt have the same comfert level like I used to, EVERYTHING was going to be different, maybe thats why I tried to be. That would of made sense if abby saw my weakness becuase she was in my situation just three years before. I see that in my sisters. Its just a never ending cycle. Maybe thats why its easyer for me to handle change. True it sucks ass and I hate it and typically get frustrated with it and life in general, but maybe thats why I have trained myself to be ready for this.
People will always fuck you over, you just have to be ready to take it. People have to be able to train themselves to be the way they are going to be in the future. I think I was better at it than alot of other people. Maybe thats why I dont get caught up in the bullshit like some people do. Maybe thats why I am always going to be "just a friend" becuase im "different than all those other girls, just fun to hang out with I realy appriceate you."
Maybe tahts why I find myself stuck between girls and boys points of view of things. I mean i just blend in dont i? becuase I know how to handle myself so I dont put myself out in the situations to get hurt or to fuck stuff up. People do it before my eyes and Im in a comfert zone, things are supposed to be different now. I just wish they were alot simpler like they were in these old entries. Now that I know what it used to be, and how it is now I feel like a complete other person, I saw everyone evolve around me and I duno if I evolved or if I just stood still while everyone wooshed past me.
Maybe thats why my everything is still "simple". Things that happened to me before, happen again, history repeating itself just on a more serious level.
Like wiht Don's sickness and death. Well now were dealing wth lisa.
Loosing robbie as a best friend, and loosing alyssa, flying through amelia and my friendshi.
Not even hardly talking to rachel, or dani anymore, true steph brought dani and I closer after she fucked us over, but at the same time, I hardly "value" or trust that many people now.
I used to feel "close" to abby, but I felt babbied by her, now I feel a connection like it should of been. Maybe it took her being at college to pull us in.
Colt and I becoming alot closer realy means alot to me. We always knew that we would need eachother for something down the line and I think when jeremy and me happened and him and krista did, we found eachother.
So I thank my shitty old entries full of my "love" for other people becuase thats when they had the "love" for me that tehy said they did. I doubt they ever really ment it, or ever realy had it, but I tell you what. I have learner d alot from you, and alot from my old self.
finito. Bitches.