Christmas letter!
For those of you that weren't lucky enough to receive my annual Christmas letter (I just sent it to people who had previously sent me Christmas cards, and by "annual" I mean I did it once), I proudly reproduce it for you here:
Hello friends, and Merry Christmas!
It’s your old pals, Jess and Eric! We cherished the many holiday newsletters we received last year, so much so that we decided to write our own! It is such a joy to have the opportunity to hear from each of you and find out what the last year had in store: your triumphs, your tragedies, your assault convictions that were subsequently overturned on technicalities. We can only hope that our adventures were just as thrilling.
The Christmas spirit has overtaken us all at Chateau ChiWard. Eric is currently relaxing in front of a blazing fire, sipping cocoa and reading A Christmas Carol. Wiki is hanging the mistletoe from the doorways, merrily howling “Good King Wenceslas.” And Jess has gained 165 pounds and grown a white beard. Ho ho ho!
No, but seriously, she has a problem.
But it’s not just the spirit of the season that has us feeling jolly! This past year has been good to each of us. All year, Jess continued to pursue her dream of becoming a dentist while simultaneously keeping an international bank from falling apart. As of December 31, she will officially leave her job as an accountant at Credit Suisse, at which point a series of irregularities should start showing up in their accounting books. We’d tell you all to ring in the new year by selling your shares, but that would be insider trading! Wink wink!
Outside of Credit Suisse, Jess has been taking science classes at NC State University and working on her dental applications for this coming year. But her true passion is competitive Call of Duty: Black Ops, an online shooting game based on the Vietnam War. Each night, under the screen name “Slagathor,” she signs on-line and blows the heads off of hundreds of “noobs” with her Uzi. Most of her personal acquaintances think of Jess as a loving girlfriend and thoughtful friend, but to millions of gamers across the world, her name is synonymous with Death.
With Jess so preoccupied, Eric has had to find plenty of ways to occupy himself. He’s still working at Cisco Systems (over 750 days without a murder!), where he builds and tests IP phones. Every time he watches The Office, he points at little props in the background and screams “I WORKED ON THAT!” It gets really annoying.
Eric has also become enmeshed in the world of underground hip-hop, where his ingenious rhymes have earned “Manatee Sheriff” a small but devoted following (here’s a sampling: “kumquat” and “thumb squat”). His song “Trust Then Pain” was credited with starting a small riot in Provo, Utah, which garnered him a lot of respect in the rap world. We would tell you where to download his songs, but if you were cool enough to understand them, you’d know already.
After a trip to Japan earlier this year, Eric became heavily interested in modern Buddhism, which he manifests mostly by building small rock shrines everywhere he goes. To most people, they are just small piles of rocks, but Eric knows that they symbolize something much more powerful. He hasn’t bothered to look up what that is, though.
Eric also plays a lot of tennis, but mostly just because he looks good in those short little skirts.
As for the hairiest member of the family (but not by much! Jess’s beard has gotten really long!), Wiki has spent most of the year lying on the floor, ready to spring into action at the slightest noise outside our front door. By his unofficial count, he has thwarted 862 break-ins, 429 kidnappings and 41 murders in the past year alone.
But although his role as guard dog is of foremost importance to him, Wiki has also been expanding his career as a canine actor. Next year, he’s hoping to star in an all-dog reimagining of The Shawshank Redemption. In the past, you’ve probably “scene” him in Hotel For Dogs, Marley and Me, and as Jackie Chan’s black buddy in Rush Hour 3.
While Wiki was off filming Homeward Bound 3: Barking Mad, Jess and Eric decided to take the ultimate “next step”: the eternal bliss of domestic partnership. Our families were somewhat disappointed that we didn’t go for that other “next step,” but everybody keeps saying that it’s good enough for the gays, so we figured it was good enough for us. Since our big “DP” session, to be honest, we’ve been kind of disappointed by the gifts we’ve received. Not to drop any hints, but we’re registered for beer pong cups and a lava lamp at Spencer’s Gifts.
Looking back, this year truly has been a magical one. We’ve all had our ups and downs, our highs and lows, our victories and defeats, our Empire Strikes Backs and our Phantom Menaces, but through it all, we’ve been blessed with the only things that really matter: an LCD television, a Playstation 3, and a wicker model of a panda bear striking a sexy pose with a piece of bamboo (thanks Grandpa!).
We hope that all of you are as lucky as we are in this, the chilliest of seasons. Should you find yourself without a warm fire, a delicious meal, or friendly company this Christmas, just show up at Eric’s parents’ house. They’ll hook ya up.
Love,
Jess n Eric
Hello friends, and Merry Christmas!
It’s your old pals, Jess and Eric! We cherished the many holiday newsletters we received last year, so much so that we decided to write our own! It is such a joy to have the opportunity to hear from each of you and find out what the last year had in store: your triumphs, your tragedies, your assault convictions that were subsequently overturned on technicalities. We can only hope that our adventures were just as thrilling.
The Christmas spirit has overtaken us all at Chateau ChiWard. Eric is currently relaxing in front of a blazing fire, sipping cocoa and reading A Christmas Carol. Wiki is hanging the mistletoe from the doorways, merrily howling “Good King Wenceslas.” And Jess has gained 165 pounds and grown a white beard. Ho ho ho!
No, but seriously, she has a problem.
But it’s not just the spirit of the season that has us feeling jolly! This past year has been good to each of us. All year, Jess continued to pursue her dream of becoming a dentist while simultaneously keeping an international bank from falling apart. As of December 31, she will officially leave her job as an accountant at Credit Suisse, at which point a series of irregularities should start showing up in their accounting books. We’d tell you all to ring in the new year by selling your shares, but that would be insider trading! Wink wink!
Outside of Credit Suisse, Jess has been taking science classes at NC State University and working on her dental applications for this coming year. But her true passion is competitive Call of Duty: Black Ops, an online shooting game based on the Vietnam War. Each night, under the screen name “Slagathor,” she signs on-line and blows the heads off of hundreds of “noobs” with her Uzi. Most of her personal acquaintances think of Jess as a loving girlfriend and thoughtful friend, but to millions of gamers across the world, her name is synonymous with Death.
With Jess so preoccupied, Eric has had to find plenty of ways to occupy himself. He’s still working at Cisco Systems (over 750 days without a murder!), where he builds and tests IP phones. Every time he watches The Office, he points at little props in the background and screams “I WORKED ON THAT!” It gets really annoying.
Eric has also become enmeshed in the world of underground hip-hop, where his ingenious rhymes have earned “Manatee Sheriff” a small but devoted following (here’s a sampling: “kumquat” and “thumb squat”). His song “Trust Then Pain” was credited with starting a small riot in Provo, Utah, which garnered him a lot of respect in the rap world. We would tell you where to download his songs, but if you were cool enough to understand them, you’d know already.
After a trip to Japan earlier this year, Eric became heavily interested in modern Buddhism, which he manifests mostly by building small rock shrines everywhere he goes. To most people, they are just small piles of rocks, but Eric knows that they symbolize something much more powerful. He hasn’t bothered to look up what that is, though.
Eric also plays a lot of tennis, but mostly just because he looks good in those short little skirts.
As for the hairiest member of the family (but not by much! Jess’s beard has gotten really long!), Wiki has spent most of the year lying on the floor, ready to spring into action at the slightest noise outside our front door. By his unofficial count, he has thwarted 862 break-ins, 429 kidnappings and 41 murders in the past year alone.
But although his role as guard dog is of foremost importance to him, Wiki has also been expanding his career as a canine actor. Next year, he’s hoping to star in an all-dog reimagining of The Shawshank Redemption. In the past, you’ve probably “scene” him in Hotel For Dogs, Marley and Me, and as Jackie Chan’s black buddy in Rush Hour 3.
While Wiki was off filming Homeward Bound 3: Barking Mad, Jess and Eric decided to take the ultimate “next step”: the eternal bliss of domestic partnership. Our families were somewhat disappointed that we didn’t go for that other “next step,” but everybody keeps saying that it’s good enough for the gays, so we figured it was good enough for us. Since our big “DP” session, to be honest, we’ve been kind of disappointed by the gifts we’ve received. Not to drop any hints, but we’re registered for beer pong cups and a lava lamp at Spencer’s Gifts.
Looking back, this year truly has been a magical one. We’ve all had our ups and downs, our highs and lows, our victories and defeats, our Empire Strikes Backs and our Phantom Menaces, but through it all, we’ve been blessed with the only things that really matter: an LCD television, a Playstation 3, and a wicker model of a panda bear striking a sexy pose with a piece of bamboo (thanks Grandpa!).
We hope that all of you are as lucky as we are in this, the chilliest of seasons. Should you find yourself without a warm fire, a delicious meal, or friendly company this Christmas, just show up at Eric’s parents’ house. They’ll hook ya up.
Love,
Jess n Eric