Talking
I'm not sure why I'm so inarticulate. Let's see, for about four years, 7th-10th grade, I was pretty much mute. Speak when spoken to by authorities, but that was about it. It's just kinda odd in retrospect. I remember trying to communicate with Silas, but always failed miserably. I could never express my thoughts and emotions in any comprehensible way exept maybe "let's snuggle!"--that was about it. It seemed like there was some sort of barrier between myself and the rest of humanity; impossible to cross, yet intangible and nonexistent to others. I believe I was considered the smart quiet math girl or some such epithet. The horribly sad part is during my relationship with Silas, I was goin through some tough mental anguish and I usually directed it toward him... it wasn't very pretty. One of my friends pulled me out of my reclusion though. It was very frustrating trying to translate random thoughts into verbal utterances; I hate charismatic people who take their language skills for granted. I remember having like verbal dyslexia or something in Psychology. In that class I practiced my pathetic skills. What I mean is, I would form sentences to say in my mind, and then they would come out funny like "So you mean think a man possibly can't." I'm not making this up, Sean is my witness. Even now, I have an extremely difficult time talking. After The whole coming out of the silence closet, I was transplanted into a camp of complete and utter strangers and I was actually able to talk to a few people in Rolla. I even laughed. It was so odd... I hadn't REALLY laughed since the sixth grade, and I think I had forgotten how wonderfull it feels. Then there was Josh my Junior year. I really appreciate that man. He could always my me laugh with my entire soul. He's the only person I've dated (although it was brief) that I could talk to. On one of our dates we went cloud gazing until about midnight and I was so intrigued with him. I found myself talking about things I had never before expressed. We still have nice long conversations about just everything. I wish I could be that articulate with other people. Right now, I talk with my friends, but it's not actual deep talking. I feel like I can't get out of my safety zone of random burst of insane jabber. To make my ideas coherent seems an impossibility. Maybe I'll grow out of it.
tschus!
tschus!