(no subject)
I really should write more often.
I know that in a few years time I'll wish I had some stuff to look back on, especially to remember this time in my life,
whether that's a good or bad thing.
I guess the only thing I can really say about right now is that I am going through a major transition.
never thought that I'd be looking for a new place so soon,
let alone a new place by myself.
I can't decide if this feels like a step forward or a step back, although I'm not particularly concerned with definitions.
either way,
the search is going terribly and I am feeling pretty discouraged.
and when I feel discouraged I also feel scared,
and find myself wanting to flee from the options that are in front of me.
but I know I can't, not this time; I need to struggle through it, and I suppose "face my fears" (all cliches aside).
I keep telling myself, "being alone is not the worst thing than can happen to you,"
but yeah, it kind of is.
I'm figuring it will be a temporary thing, most likely,
until I know what I want to do next.
either way,
the loneliness will creep in,
like it always does,
and I'm sure that I will be looking at things from a very different viewpoint in a few months time.
until then,
things are still (mostly) on track.
work is taking up all of my energy,
which isn't unusual, really,
but I am thinking about the value of time and energy
and what else I could be doing right now with both of them.
I just wish I had more time and energy to focus on my work.
(work meaning: painting, drawing, photography, embroidery, writing, etc.,
not sitting at a desk and biding my time until 4:30 rolls around).
Aurora is a ghost town this summer,
which doesn't help with motivating me to want to do anything besides sleep when I get home.
I spend almost all of my free time downtown, (aka on weekends)
but I just wish more of my friends were around so I'd have something to do after work.
Mark and Kayla are here, which is amazing,
but now we're back to the problem of energy.
I just can't bring myself to do anything after I am done here.
a never-ending circle, what else is new?
my excitement during the day stems from three different areas of interest:
- thinking about tattoos
- reading about art
- planning the weekend
that's about as good as it gets.
next summer, new plans are in order.
it's time for a big something else.
I crave change.