(no subject)
I know it's wrong to be angry
because everyone else around you is so happy
and things are going great for them
I should just be happy for them
and push down all of my own feelings
pretend everything is going okay
but I'm sorry...
that's just not the way I am.
***
I really want to be happy for myself.
keep reminding myself
of the good things that are coming up
but even when they do come
... even when everything works out alright
it's still just wrong.
and
I
don't
have a clue
what that means, or what I'm supposed to do with it.
am I just destined to be unhappy,
no matter what happens
or how hard I try?
I feel like high school never ended for me.
or at least the feelings
associated with high school.
i want to move on
to something bigger and better
or just better
but I don't know what that is
or what it looks like
or where to begin
in order to find it.
the last two years of my life
have been a giant black hole
and i keep feeling like
everyone seems to forget
that things aren't going great for me
that i don't really want to hear about their happiness
even though
I really am happy for them
that they're happy.
or free.
or whatever it is
they they have
or that I perceive they have
that I don't.
I just wish that it was different.
i keep holding out for that,
whatever it is,
that will make me feel like...
yeah, this is exactly where I need to be.
at least i haven't given up on that yet.