MindFreak
Title: MindFreak
Author: Pinch5
Mary Sue: Gerard, with his "girlish curves" and "lavender, lilac soap."
Let's start with the utter punctuation failure:
Mikey snorted before snatching the phone away. He inspected it, as if it had some defect period "I'm suprised your fatass didn't crack the screenperiod" Gerard squinted up at him, period his head was killing him and he was pretty sure his stomach was eating itself. Mikey stepped on top of him just "on him to get across the floor, period "acapitalnd hurry the fuck up period mom said your you're going to be late for school, like I careperiod"
Then there's the part where entire paragraphs are from Gerard's father's POV, but he still doesn't get a name. Apparently even in his own mind he's only "Gerard's father." Not even Mikey's father. No wonder their family is "disfuncitonal." And let's throw in some random tense changes while we're at it:
Gerard' father grabbed his shoulders and made him lie down on the bed/couch and stay there. Gerard's father sat in the recliner chair and thought about his disfunctional family and his surely fucked up sons, while Gerard slept. Gerard was such good boy and he didn't know where he went wrong with Mikey. He knows what happens when Gerard brings Mikey home from those fucking parties. He also knows that his youngest son does every drug imaginable. He'd known this for years, he's love that switch from "he'd" to "he's" in the same run-on sentence. been watching his family turn into typical white trash. He would not have it. Fucking New Jersey. he couldn't remember where the shift key was live here in this house anymore. The air had been staled by his family's failed attempts to be a real family. He rubbed his hand over his face and sighed. They were moving. As soon as he got an identity of his own so he could rent a truck fucking possible.
What's that, you say? Gerard's not enough of a Mary Sue? Don't worry, that's been taken care of.
Once inside the bathroom Gerard stripped down, to his boxers, and looked at himself in the full length mirror. Gerard had a specific way of abusing his body. He would tell himself that he was indeed a fatass as he younger brother put. Gerard of course was not a fatass, just had girlish curves making him a tad chubbier than his younger brother. Girlish curves. I just can't get over that. Why does a teenage boy have girlish curves?
Gerard held up a piece of hair and stared at it, he hated how stringy and ugly it was. He looked at his chin, nose and face, staring at the complete ugly. He groaned, refusing to smash the mirror in with his fist. Turning around, he stripped down and stepped into the shower and turned on the hot water tap. Gerard cringed as the hot water hit his skin. He relaxed as the water became a temperture he could endure. He spent a good 10 minutes just standing under the spray of the water, before he actually got around to cleaning himself at all. "Hmm," said the author, "I think I need to add a lot more detail to this shower scene." Grabbing, his favorite shampoo, cucumber melon, he put a large amount and lathered his hair. Thank you for explaining to the reader how to wash hair. Tilting his head back, he let the spray wash away the suds. "I wonder if I made him too girly with that cucumber melon shampoo. I think I'll pick a more masculine scent for his soap. Because the reader needs to know what kind of soap he uses." Grabbing the lavender lilac soap *headdesk* he began to scrub himself. He scrubbed himself until he couldn't smell a trace of smoke on his skin. "This isn't enough detail yet. I think I need to describe him getting out of the shower." When Gerard was free of all suds, he shut the water and stepped out of the tub and grabbed his towel. Wrapping the towel around his hips he made his way to the bathroom door. "Made his way"? Just how big is this bathroom?
So, I went back to chapter 1. Gerard is distressed because Mikey's boyfriend, Pete, hit on him, thinking he was a girl. Gerard reacted by throwing his drink in Pete's face. Sort of like a girl.
Then she lists EVERY KNOWN FLOWER and what it's supposed to stand for, and the list is headed "Flower's."
Because Frank wants something pretty specific...
" Yes you can, I need a bouquet that says, ' Sorry, I broke your window, but mom I'm still your son'
Frank decides that what would say that would be a bouquet of white tulips with one black one. Luckily, Frank can magically turn them black. And, um, magically affix them to Gerard's forehead, I guess.
Gerard slapped a hand to his forehead and raised and eyebrow in surprise he felt the stem of a tulip.
Chapter 2:
Gerard thought 'Frank' , comma??? was intriguing, period he wondered how he had turned the Tulip completely black. In fact he spent 2 hours dwindling the fact ...what? that he wanted to see 'Frank' again.
All right, that's it, I've dwindled this enough.
Author: Pinch5
Mary Sue: Gerard, with his "girlish curves" and "lavender, lilac soap."
Let's start with the utter punctuation failure:
Mikey snorted before snatching the phone away. He inspected it, as if it had some defect period "I'm suprised your fatass didn't crack the screenperiod" Gerard squinted up at him, period his head was killing him and he was pretty sure his stomach was eating itself. Mikey stepped on top of him just "on him to get across the floor, period "acapitalnd hurry the fuck up period mom said your you're going to be late for school, like I careperiod"
Then there's the part where entire paragraphs are from Gerard's father's POV, but he still doesn't get a name. Apparently even in his own mind he's only "Gerard's father." Not even Mikey's father. No wonder their family is "disfuncitonal." And let's throw in some random tense changes while we're at it:
Gerard' father grabbed his shoulders and made him lie down on the bed/couch and stay there. Gerard's father sat in the recliner chair and thought about his disfunctional family and his surely fucked up sons, while Gerard slept. Gerard was such good boy and he didn't know where he went wrong with Mikey. He knows what happens when Gerard brings Mikey home from those fucking parties. He also knows that his youngest son does every drug imaginable. He'd known this for years, he's love that switch from "he'd" to "he's" in the same run-on sentence. been watching his family turn into typical white trash. He would not have it. Fucking New Jersey. he couldn't remember where the shift key was live here in this house anymore. The air had been staled by his family's failed attempts to be a real family. He rubbed his hand over his face and sighed. They were moving. As soon as he got an identity of his own so he could rent a truck fucking possible.
What's that, you say? Gerard's not enough of a Mary Sue? Don't worry, that's been taken care of.
Once inside the bathroom Gerard stripped down, to his boxers, and looked at himself in the full length mirror. Gerard had a specific way of abusing his body. He would tell himself that he was indeed a fatass as he younger brother put. Gerard of course was not a fatass, just had girlish curves making him a tad chubbier than his younger brother. Girlish curves. I just can't get over that. Why does a teenage boy have girlish curves?
Gerard held up a piece of hair and stared at it, he hated how stringy and ugly it was. He looked at his chin, nose and face, staring at the complete ugly. He groaned, refusing to smash the mirror in with his fist. Turning around, he stripped down and stepped into the shower and turned on the hot water tap. Gerard cringed as the hot water hit his skin. He relaxed as the water became a temperture he could endure. He spent a good 10 minutes just standing under the spray of the water, before he actually got around to cleaning himself at all. "Hmm," said the author, "I think I need to add a lot more detail to this shower scene." Grabbing, his favorite shampoo, cucumber melon, he put a large amount and lathered his hair. Thank you for explaining to the reader how to wash hair. Tilting his head back, he let the spray wash away the suds. "I wonder if I made him too girly with that cucumber melon shampoo. I think I'll pick a more masculine scent for his soap. Because the reader needs to know what kind of soap he uses." Grabbing the lavender lilac soap *headdesk* he began to scrub himself. He scrubbed himself until he couldn't smell a trace of smoke on his skin. "This isn't enough detail yet. I think I need to describe him getting out of the shower." When Gerard was free of all suds, he shut the water and stepped out of the tub and grabbed his towel. Wrapping the towel around his hips he made his way to the bathroom door. "Made his way"? Just how big is this bathroom?
So, I went back to chapter 1. Gerard is distressed because Mikey's boyfriend, Pete, hit on him, thinking he was a girl. Gerard reacted by throwing his drink in Pete's face. Sort of like a girl.
Then she lists EVERY KNOWN FLOWER and what it's supposed to stand for, and the list is headed "Flower's."
Because Frank wants something pretty specific...
" Yes you can, I need a bouquet that says, ' Sorry, I broke your window, but mom I'm still your son'
Frank decides that what would say that would be a bouquet of white tulips with one black one. Luckily, Frank can magically turn them black. And, um, magically affix them to Gerard's forehead, I guess.
Gerard slapped a hand to his forehead and raised and eyebrow in surprise he felt the stem of a tulip.
Chapter 2:
Gerard thought 'Frank' , comma??? was intriguing, period he wondered how he had turned the Tulip completely black. In fact he spent 2 hours dwindling the fact ...what? that he wanted to see 'Frank' again.
All right, that's it, I've dwindled this enough.