Hatred
Today, I was accused of being a horrible, hateful person. I was accused of being narrow minded, a fundamental literalist Christian, whatever that means.
It's an interesting question. As we continued to talk through the morning, every time I attempted to clarify my rational for why I believe the things I do, I was interrupted and not allowed to elaborate. Each question he asked me was just used as a platform to go into a seemingly mindless and rehearsed speech; he alread knew all my answers before he asked me, because they were the same questions he's asked me before. Constantly he was insulting me, accusing me of doing things that he knows I do not do, and treating people in a way that he knows from experience that I do not treat people. According to him, he was just being 'brutally honest' with me. On the other hand, whenever I pointed out flaws in his arguments, or even the simple fact that he knows full well that I am a living contradiction to what he believed Christians to be, I was 'attacking' him, or "rationalizing an irrational thing." I don't blame him; he just hates Christians, and I happen to be a convenient punching bag for a guy I met 3 years ago and call my friend. I always come right back to be punched, willing to drive him to the airport, meet up for dinner, or just hang out when I can. I think he gets frustrated sometimes when his best attempts to insult me don't even break through my skin...yet there's a rather disturbing glimmer of pleasure in him whenever he can squeeze out the tiniest trace of anger from me. The morning ended as I dropped him off at the airport; by the time we had arrived he had just degenerated into randomly reciting things in a southern accent about the Bible, which I can only assume he had watched at least 10 times on videos in order to say the exact same thing over and over again, laughing and mocking.
So the question is, am I a hateful person? How could I tell...in general, how do any of us tell if we are being hateful? Clearly, my friend can't see his own hatred, or rather if he does he feels justified in condemning me because supposedly I'm soon going to turn into one of those guys from the Westboro Baptist Church (ironic considering whenever we talk about it I refer to it as the Phelps Cult). So, is it possible I am filled with hatred as well, and simply cannot see it? I doubt Hitler would have believed that he was a hateful person, I'm sure he justified everything in his head, rationalizing that committing some of the worst atrocities of all time was 'for the better.' So what can we do if we cannot see the hatred in ourselves? We need some kind of mirror, I suppose. Something that we could see our own reflection in, and know what we look like to the rest of the world.
Jesus' brother, James, said something that triggered in my mind as I was thinking about that. "For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was." James' thinking was that looking at God's commands and teachings was kind of like looking at a mirror; but rather than showing you what you look like on the outside, it shows you what you look like on the inside. You can either make the changes to make yourself look better, or you can walk away and pretend there isn't a problem. When I compare my life to the life of Jesus, I see one perfect life, and one pitiful attempt at imitation. James' idea of the end result was simple: "Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world." Care for the weak and the helpless, and don't act like the people who don't.
Compared to Jesus and the standard He set, I suppose I am a horrible, hateful person. I constantly fall short of the life I'm called to live; time and time again I choose to live for myself rather than for those who are truly in need. I won't make up any stupid justification, about how I may not be perfect but at least I'm better than this person or that person, because the standard is clear. As the apostle Paul says, "love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against such there is no law." My goal in life is not to make everyone like me, not even to convince everyone that I'm a good person, because I know I'm not. All I can do is imitate the example I have as best I can, to the full extent I can. When I don't, I have no one to blame but myself.
It was almost 5 years ago that I became a Christian; and this is what I'm turning into. Is it really hateful for me to say that I honestly believe that because Jesus died, my mistakes and my shortcomings are all forgiven? Am I narrow minded because I believe that reality is absolute, something is either true or false, never both? God either exists or does not, He either is who the Bible claims He is or He is not.
Our conversation this morning ended abruptly when we got to the airport. Only a condescending command from him to think about that morning, followed by quick 'thanks' as he left for his flight. Well, I have obeyed his command, and here is the result. I guess he's right, I am a hateful person.