Pantsuit Nation and the Differences in Gender Communication
Things have gotten quite splintered in the world of feminism having to do with race. The March against Trump is one area we are seeing it play out now.
I saw it happen on Pantsuit Nation (the secret Facebook group that is no longer a secret). Originally a positive reinforcement/safe space for about 14 women who were sick of being vilified for supporting HRC, it grew with astonishing rapidity into a group where several million men and women supported Clinton and then shared personal after-election stories.
After the election, my health, never good, went into crisis mode. Pantsuit Nation became a place filled with many personal post-election stories of people being attacked in some way (based on race, religion, sexual orientation, and gender (men groping or behaving inappropriately with young women/women in general). I was crying practically non-stop. It was extremely debilitating for me and my husband repeatedly asked me to take a break from it. (I know it was much more debilitating for the people who were getting harassed, but I had to consider my mental and physical health. I'm an empath.)
I took a break and came back to Pantsuit Nation. The site was incredibly busy and I missed at least as much as I read. I noticed there were some angry posts from Black women who felt they were not being respected and listened to. There was also a wave of departures from the group from Black women. I hadn't noticed any such minimizing, but some of these posts got thousands of comments and I couldn't/wouldn't read every single one. Then there were hordes of White women responding--they were either angry/hurt/defensive at being called out or incredibly obsequious in their apologies. (This is just my interpretation, of course. Others' views may differ. What was interesting/surprising to me was how many White women acknowledged not knowing very much about racial relations and people of different races.)
I have often been accused of swimming in White guilt, but I don't see myself that way at all. I am more keenly aware of injustice, perhaps, than some White Americans, but I don't feel personally guilty of racism. I am conscious that some people are Black--I realized that when I transferred from an all White school in Florida to one that was at least 50% African-American that there was a difference, but it never occurred to me to make any judgment about that. I credit my mother, with whom I have many issues, but always esteem for never by word or deed raising me with racism. (I could tell you some funny and true stories about how non-perceptive I am about things like race but that would be too much of a digression. We are who we are and I'm not even in the shallow end of the ocean of/that should be White guilt.)
I judged each Pantsuit Nation post by itself and even I, the quintessential liberal, found myself capable of multiple eye-rolls. Some Black women seemed extremely harsh and angry; some White women seemed oblivious or defensive or pathetically ignorant and I originally was more silently judgmental than you'd expect me to be. I really didn't see much racism and I thought there was too much personal and self-indulgent affrontedness on some womens' parts (both White and Black, though it seemed to me most White women were bending over backwards and forwards to accommodate--the board was predominantly White, something I hadn't originally noticed. Which showed a huge obliviousness on my part, I must admit).
But I kept reading, and I began to understand some points I really hadn't understood--and wouldn't have comprehended if they hadn't been clearly and calmly pointed out. It reminded me that I was an old person who could still be taught some new tricks/ways of thinking.
It also reminded me that so much of the time, it's not the content of an issue but how it is communicated, that determines effectiveness or dissension.
One side point: a lot of the Black women participating, particularly the younger generations, were not simply angry. They repeatedly made the point that it was not their job to teach White women about racism. And that is true. But when you're trying to form coalitions, education is necessary. And scorning people for their ignorance is not effective when trying to build a group where strength is in numbers. (This is also something my friends who are constantly posting about how all Trump voters should be treated like the enemy should keep in mind. Those who voted for him did so for many reasons, and one fifth of them stated they disliked both candidates, according to polls. Trump's support is not just shallow but weak, and alienating decent people who might realize they erred if they aren't insulted and defensive is not only unwise, it's tactically idiotic.
But I digress.
My experience with Pantsuit Nation was a lesson in commonality, that the issues of Black women needed to be issues for all women who were fighting against the anti-everything Trump advocates. (And one can not forget that Black women were Hillary's truest base by far, based on voting percentages. There are reasons for that.)
It was also a lesson in seeing people really trying to not just work together, but truly understand and hear one another. Pantsuit Nation was predominantly made up of women, with many gay and a significant smattering of straight men, which made for a fascinating dynamic in the gender differences regarding communication. Sometimes I got frustrated at what seemed to me an overemphasis of emotion-based negotiation vs. an action-uber-alles approach. But the focus on trying to create win-win situations was quite beautiful and inspiring.
Then the creator of the group decided to publish a book, and participants of every stripe went a little crazy. I am not in the habit of going crazy, but I objected to the way that the participants had to read about it in the newspaper, instead of being told first by the list-creator. Not enough to leave, and it was made crystal clear that nothing would be shared in the book without express written permission, so to me, it was more of a venial than mortal omission.
Every movement has these conflicts. I hope that enough women/people can put aside their differences to unite, on this march, on the various groups that form, etc., etc. The people united will never be defeated, and all that.
I saw it happen on Pantsuit Nation (the secret Facebook group that is no longer a secret). Originally a positive reinforcement/safe space for about 14 women who were sick of being vilified for supporting HRC, it grew with astonishing rapidity into a group where several million men and women supported Clinton and then shared personal after-election stories.
After the election, my health, never good, went into crisis mode. Pantsuit Nation became a place filled with many personal post-election stories of people being attacked in some way (based on race, religion, sexual orientation, and gender (men groping or behaving inappropriately with young women/women in general). I was crying practically non-stop. It was extremely debilitating for me and my husband repeatedly asked me to take a break from it. (I know it was much more debilitating for the people who were getting harassed, but I had to consider my mental and physical health. I'm an empath.)
I took a break and came back to Pantsuit Nation. The site was incredibly busy and I missed at least as much as I read. I noticed there were some angry posts from Black women who felt they were not being respected and listened to. There was also a wave of departures from the group from Black women. I hadn't noticed any such minimizing, but some of these posts got thousands of comments and I couldn't/wouldn't read every single one. Then there were hordes of White women responding--they were either angry/hurt/defensive at being called out or incredibly obsequious in their apologies. (This is just my interpretation, of course. Others' views may differ. What was interesting/surprising to me was how many White women acknowledged not knowing very much about racial relations and people of different races.)
I have often been accused of swimming in White guilt, but I don't see myself that way at all. I am more keenly aware of injustice, perhaps, than some White Americans, but I don't feel personally guilty of racism. I am conscious that some people are Black--I realized that when I transferred from an all White school in Florida to one that was at least 50% African-American that there was a difference, but it never occurred to me to make any judgment about that. I credit my mother, with whom I have many issues, but always esteem for never by word or deed raising me with racism. (I could tell you some funny and true stories about how non-perceptive I am about things like race but that would be too much of a digression. We are who we are and I'm not even in the shallow end of the ocean of/that should be White guilt.)
I judged each Pantsuit Nation post by itself and even I, the quintessential liberal, found myself capable of multiple eye-rolls. Some Black women seemed extremely harsh and angry; some White women seemed oblivious or defensive or pathetically ignorant and I originally was more silently judgmental than you'd expect me to be. I really didn't see much racism and I thought there was too much personal and self-indulgent affrontedness on some womens' parts (both White and Black, though it seemed to me most White women were bending over backwards and forwards to accommodate--the board was predominantly White, something I hadn't originally noticed. Which showed a huge obliviousness on my part, I must admit).
But I kept reading, and I began to understand some points I really hadn't understood--and wouldn't have comprehended if they hadn't been clearly and calmly pointed out. It reminded me that I was an old person who could still be taught some new tricks/ways of thinking.
It also reminded me that so much of the time, it's not the content of an issue but how it is communicated, that determines effectiveness or dissension.
One side point: a lot of the Black women participating, particularly the younger generations, were not simply angry. They repeatedly made the point that it was not their job to teach White women about racism. And that is true. But when you're trying to form coalitions, education is necessary. And scorning people for their ignorance is not effective when trying to build a group where strength is in numbers. (This is also something my friends who are constantly posting about how all Trump voters should be treated like the enemy should keep in mind. Those who voted for him did so for many reasons, and one fifth of them stated they disliked both candidates, according to polls. Trump's support is not just shallow but weak, and alienating decent people who might realize they erred if they aren't insulted and defensive is not only unwise, it's tactically idiotic.
But I digress.
My experience with Pantsuit Nation was a lesson in commonality, that the issues of Black women needed to be issues for all women who were fighting against the anti-everything Trump advocates. (And one can not forget that Black women were Hillary's truest base by far, based on voting percentages. There are reasons for that.)
It was also a lesson in seeing people really trying to not just work together, but truly understand and hear one another. Pantsuit Nation was predominantly made up of women, with many gay and a significant smattering of straight men, which made for a fascinating dynamic in the gender differences regarding communication. Sometimes I got frustrated at what seemed to me an overemphasis of emotion-based negotiation vs. an action-uber-alles approach. But the focus on trying to create win-win situations was quite beautiful and inspiring.
Then the creator of the group decided to publish a book, and participants of every stripe went a little crazy. I am not in the habit of going crazy, but I objected to the way that the participants had to read about it in the newspaper, instead of being told first by the list-creator. Not enough to leave, and it was made crystal clear that nothing would be shared in the book without express written permission, so to me, it was more of a venial than mortal omission.
Every movement has these conflicts. I hope that enough women/people can put aside their differences to unite, on this march, on the various groups that form, etc., etc. The people united will never be defeated, and all that.