i'm slightly intoxicated, so i hope this makes sense.
first off, i feel like you have some great emotions and situations. a lot of your material feels very original and extremely interesting. your prose is done well in that it is free of errors and has the ability to draw the reader in very well.
i think your story would be much better if you took it out of the journalistic format. i would like to see it strictly from the third person perspective with an insight into your protagonist's mind. or maybe even first person if you like. if you really want to write it in the format of a journal, then you need to expand on each entry.
i like the details your provide, but the actions almost seem to be slightly monotonous to your protagonist. if this is your intention (as i assume it is) then well done. but i do feel like you need to add more details if this is to be developed into a short story. i like the crazy romance and strange feelings, and i think it will be a very successful story. just develop things further and add more sensory details.
i hope this was helpful. and as with every critique, take what you think is helpful, and ignore the rest!
Re: my critiquechelseaellenApril 22 2009, 16:33:57 UTC
I think I want to expand the entries. I'm glad you mentioned that the actions are monotonous - that's exactly how they're supposed to sound. I'm assuming I need to make it more deliberate, though. The problem is that the narrator is supposed to be relatively detached from people and really, really reluctant to show any emotion. I'm trying to work out how to expand the entries without changing my characters, ya know?
first off, i feel like you have some great emotions and situations. a lot of your material feels very original and extremely interesting. your prose is done well in that it is free of errors and has the ability to draw the reader in very well.
i think your story would be much better if you took it out of the journalistic format. i would like to see it strictly from the third person perspective with an insight into your protagonist's mind. or maybe even first person if you like. if you really want to write it in the format of a journal, then you need to expand on each entry.
i like the details your provide, but the actions almost seem to be slightly monotonous to your protagonist. if this is your intention (as i assume it is) then well done. but i do feel like you need to add more details if this is to be developed into a short story. i like the crazy romance and strange feelings, and i think it will be a very successful story. just develop things further and add more sensory details.
i hope this was helpful. and as with every critique, take what you think is helpful, and ignore the rest!
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This was helpful, thank you!
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