Fear the Kitten! Fear it! ...You call that fearing?
Lucky people who don't know the EVIL that is Klondike Bars! Basically, it's a square piece of vanilla ice cream with a chocolate shell. Whenever I would bite it, the ice cream would poof up onto my cheeks, or the entire thing would crumble. They're just unhappiness and broken promises and unaccomplished dreams in ice cream form!
Now. On to a rant.
Dear Mother Nature,
Screw you.
~ Chelsea
Yup, that sums it up. I'm sitting in my HEATED room with four shirts on. I'm still slightly chilled. And stabbing pains hurt.
In a perfect world, pimples would be attractive. Men would have to go through an extensive screening program from the time they would walk to determine if they were going to be at all desirable. We could have Ohio, Michigan and Indiana just sectioned off for the douche bags that failed the tests. It would just be much easier to find someone if the bad ones were already weeded out. Most you would have to worry about then is "Wonder if he's gay?" but I already have a finely turned gaydar, so I think I'd be good.
Also, they should make Granamails for men. Garanimals, if you don't know, is children's clothing that has different animals on the tag in the back, such as bears and zebras. All the clothes with bear tags, match with all other clothes with bear tags. All clothes with zebra tags match with other zebra tags. The only problem with them, is they don't come in men sizes.
The screening program would have the following tests
Hygiene:
1) Must bathe at least every other day
2) Must brush teeth daily
3) Must know how to comb own hair
4) Must have general grasp on washing clothes. Being able to locate the washer and dryer and start both is acceptable
5) Does not need to know how to match clothes into an outfit. We have Garanimals for men*.
6) Must be willing to remove any excessive hair from back or feet, all to the descretion of the woman they are with.
*Must be able to recognize animals and match them accordingly
Personality:
1) Must have some sense of humor.e
2) Must have manners.
3) No abusive douchebags.
4) Individuals must have some sort of personality - no one excessively boring.
Talent
1) None needed, though bonus points will be rewarded for any with a useful or entertaining talent.
Appearance
1) Any excessively goofy or grotesque individual shall go through further testing until a more desirable appearance is needed. Ruling is based upon the entire panel to ensure no single opinion is the deciding factor.
2) Must be able to at least match their Garanimals. Any who are unable to pair animals accurately shall be given lessons. Any who show no improvement after said lessons shall fail. Bonus points are awarded to those able to match non-garanimal articles of clothing.
3) Must know own clothing size, and be able to recongnize if clothes are too big. If crotches of pants are down near the knees, and shirts are far too long, lessons will be given. If no improvement is shown, the offender shall fail the test.
4) Must know when to buy new socks.
5) Must buy new underwear every six months. Help shall be granted to those unable to find correct underwear alone.
6) Ability to tie own neck tie is not needed, though preferred.
7) Ability to tie own shoes is required.
Guidelines for test.
Every requirement is worth two points. Scoring table is listed below.
Personal Hygiene Score:
12; Perfect Score
10-11; Acceptable Score
9; Minimum Required Score
0-8; Failure
Personality Score:
8; Perfect Score
7; Acceptable Score
6; Minimum Required Score
0-5; Failure
Talent Score:
2; Two Bonus Points Added To Final Score
1; One Bonus Point Added to Final Score
Appearance Score
15-19; Excellent Score. Achieved through Bonus Points aquired for the ability to coordinate non-garanimal clothing.
14; Perfect Score
13; Acceptable Score
9-12; Less Acceptable Score*
0-8; Failure*
*Note: Lessons will be provided for any score less than 13 for this portion of the test. If the score shows no significant increase (Going up at least one level) then more intense lessons will be provided. If an Acceptable score is not achieved after intensive lessons, the individual is scored as 0.
Final Score:
69-72; Above 100% (achieved through bonus points)
68; 100%
67-64; A
63-62; A-
61- 59; B+
58-57; B
56-55; B-
54-53; C+
52-50; C
49-48; C-
47-45; D+
44-43; D
42-41; D
40 or lower; F
Scores of a B or higher are a passing grade. Scores of a B- through a C are to be re-tested in three days. Grades of a C- through a D are given lessons for two weeks when they will be tested again. If the individual still does not get a B, they are to continue lessons until they have succeeded. If after 4 lessons they do not pass, they are deemed 'failure'. Any grade of a D- or lower are deemed 'failure'.
Complete testing occurs one time a year. Testing on appearance comes every two months. Those who have failed the tests are to be sent to a pre-designated area. They also will be tested again in one year. However if they fail the complete test, they are deemed unfit, and shall never leave the pre-designated area.
Abuse is completely unacceptable, be it verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual. Any infringement upon this rule will result in the punishment created by the pirate Captain John Phillips if any member of his crew speculated to abandon his crew before his dues were paid. The offender will be taken out to the middle of the ocean near a small deserted island and left with only one small pistol and shot. During the journey, a pirate ship will be used, and the entire crew shall dress as pirates, including the accused. The offender shall be held in the brig until they arrive. Firearms from 1724 shall be used as well, due to the fact that the individual who drafted the rules likes pirates and wishes the punishment to be as realistic as possible.
Created and Written by Chelsea Bray.
In my perfect world, Snuggies will be banned, along with Kathy Griffin. They annoy me.
Seriously, in a snuggie comercial, there's a bleacher full of douche bags happily wearing their snuggies while an old man sitting in the middle of them is sitting there shaking. I don't blame him. If I was surrounded by them, I'd be terrified too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y
Watch it. It's awesome.
Now. On to a rant.
Dear Mother Nature,
Screw you.
~ Chelsea
Yup, that sums it up. I'm sitting in my HEATED room with four shirts on. I'm still slightly chilled. And stabbing pains hurt.
In a perfect world, pimples would be attractive. Men would have to go through an extensive screening program from the time they would walk to determine if they were going to be at all desirable. We could have Ohio, Michigan and Indiana just sectioned off for the douche bags that failed the tests. It would just be much easier to find someone if the bad ones were already weeded out. Most you would have to worry about then is "Wonder if he's gay?" but I already have a finely turned gaydar, so I think I'd be good.
Also, they should make Granamails for men. Garanimals, if you don't know, is children's clothing that has different animals on the tag in the back, such as bears and zebras. All the clothes with bear tags, match with all other clothes with bear tags. All clothes with zebra tags match with other zebra tags. The only problem with them, is they don't come in men sizes.
The screening program would have the following tests
Hygiene:
1) Must bathe at least every other day
2) Must brush teeth daily
3) Must know how to comb own hair
4) Must have general grasp on washing clothes. Being able to locate the washer and dryer and start both is acceptable
5) Does not need to know how to match clothes into an outfit. We have Garanimals for men*.
6) Must be willing to remove any excessive hair from back or feet, all to the descretion of the woman they are with.
*Must be able to recognize animals and match them accordingly
Personality:
1) Must have some sense of humor.e
2) Must have manners.
3) No abusive douchebags.
4) Individuals must have some sort of personality - no one excessively boring.
Talent
1) None needed, though bonus points will be rewarded for any with a useful or entertaining talent.
Appearance
1) Any excessively goofy or grotesque individual shall go through further testing until a more desirable appearance is needed. Ruling is based upon the entire panel to ensure no single opinion is the deciding factor.
2) Must be able to at least match their Garanimals. Any who are unable to pair animals accurately shall be given lessons. Any who show no improvement after said lessons shall fail. Bonus points are awarded to those able to match non-garanimal articles of clothing.
3) Must know own clothing size, and be able to recongnize if clothes are too big. If crotches of pants are down near the knees, and shirts are far too long, lessons will be given. If no improvement is shown, the offender shall fail the test.
4) Must know when to buy new socks.
5) Must buy new underwear every six months. Help shall be granted to those unable to find correct underwear alone.
6) Ability to tie own neck tie is not needed, though preferred.
7) Ability to tie own shoes is required.
Guidelines for test.
Every requirement is worth two points. Scoring table is listed below.
Personal Hygiene Score:
12; Perfect Score
10-11; Acceptable Score
9; Minimum Required Score
0-8; Failure
Personality Score:
8; Perfect Score
7; Acceptable Score
6; Minimum Required Score
0-5; Failure
Talent Score:
2; Two Bonus Points Added To Final Score
1; One Bonus Point Added to Final Score
Appearance Score
15-19; Excellent Score. Achieved through Bonus Points aquired for the ability to coordinate non-garanimal clothing.
14; Perfect Score
13; Acceptable Score
9-12; Less Acceptable Score*
0-8; Failure*
*Note: Lessons will be provided for any score less than 13 for this portion of the test. If the score shows no significant increase (Going up at least one level) then more intense lessons will be provided. If an Acceptable score is not achieved after intensive lessons, the individual is scored as 0.
Final Score:
69-72; Above 100% (achieved through bonus points)
68; 100%
67-64; A
63-62; A-
61- 59; B+
58-57; B
56-55; B-
54-53; C+
52-50; C
49-48; C-
47-45; D+
44-43; D
42-41; D
40 or lower; F
Scores of a B or higher are a passing grade. Scores of a B- through a C are to be re-tested in three days. Grades of a C- through a D are given lessons for two weeks when they will be tested again. If the individual still does not get a B, they are to continue lessons until they have succeeded. If after 4 lessons they do not pass, they are deemed 'failure'. Any grade of a D- or lower are deemed 'failure'.
Complete testing occurs one time a year. Testing on appearance comes every two months. Those who have failed the tests are to be sent to a pre-designated area. They also will be tested again in one year. However if they fail the complete test, they are deemed unfit, and shall never leave the pre-designated area.
Abuse is completely unacceptable, be it verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual. Any infringement upon this rule will result in the punishment created by the pirate Captain John Phillips if any member of his crew speculated to abandon his crew before his dues were paid. The offender will be taken out to the middle of the ocean near a small deserted island and left with only one small pistol and shot. During the journey, a pirate ship will be used, and the entire crew shall dress as pirates, including the accused. The offender shall be held in the brig until they arrive. Firearms from 1724 shall be used as well, due to the fact that the individual who drafted the rules likes pirates and wishes the punishment to be as realistic as possible.
Created and Written by Chelsea Bray.
In my perfect world, Snuggies will be banned, along with Kathy Griffin. They annoy me.
Seriously, in a snuggie comercial, there's a bleacher full of douche bags happily wearing their snuggies while an old man sitting in the middle of them is sitting there shaking. I don't blame him. If I was surrounded by them, I'd be terrified too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y
Watch it. It's awesome.