(no subject)
I... I don't know where the fuck to start. I'll start with the begining I guess. I went to the doctor today. About my knees. I... was so fucking scared. He actually found something wrong. It was so amazing to finally have someone tell me that there WAS a problem! It's just... an amazing feeling to have someone not just write you off. I have special braces for my knees now. That's a new kind of awesome!
After that I went and got my hair cut, I'll post a picture later, once my eyes aren't so red, puffy and bloodshot. The reason for that? I've been crying. They're not even sad tears, they're angry, frustrated and confused ones. I ran into an old friend, Terry, when I was helping Edwin try and find an outfit to wear to meet Mia (his girlfriend) on Saturday. I asked my friend if he was still dating Ashley. He said he wasn't, and I asked what happened. He said "Chaz" I think he was kinda suprised when I knew what he was talking about. The kicker about the whole situation? HE WAS STILL DATING ME! Terry found out in May. It had been going on since February. That's when I met him. I just don't fucking believe it. I... I just don't know what the fuck to say! It's not like this is the first time it's happened. Half of my relationships have cheated on me. It's just not fucking fair! I think I should count it twice, though, since he was still fucking his ex, while he was dating me, and the other girl at the same time. I wouldn't be suprised if he was fucking the other girl too. I was considering going out and trying the whole "dating someone" thing again, but after my track record, I'm going to play it safe and just become the crazy cat lady. I really don't think I can take another person cheating on me.
Someone cheating on me is like the ultimate betrayl. When I date someone, and we go exclusive, then I love them with everything I have. I'm totally dedicated. It hurts when you love someone with out holding back, and they cheat on you. It makes you feel like you're just not good enough. Loveing someone without restraint just isn't enough. You're just not good enough. Try having that done three times. After that, it's just... enough if enough. I don't think my heart can take another person breaking it. It's already been shattered so many times, that it's nothing like it was before I started dating. I wanted to find the right person, settle down, get married, maybe have kids... but now, that just seems stupid. My heart's been so shattered, that I've gotten a very good view of my soul while I was trying to fix it. I'm a wild one. Getting married just isn't my style. I want to go out and have fun, not stay at home and be domestic. A live in, I wouldn't mind, considering I move into their place. If I move into their place, then I can leave. I don't have to worry about having to kick them out.
Now I just don't think I'm going to give relationships another shot. Not unless I have an amazing reason. I've tried everything there is: love with everything you have; make them work for love; don't love with everything you have, hold back. None of them have worked, so I just give up.
After that I went and got my hair cut, I'll post a picture later, once my eyes aren't so red, puffy and bloodshot. The reason for that? I've been crying. They're not even sad tears, they're angry, frustrated and confused ones. I ran into an old friend, Terry, when I was helping Edwin try and find an outfit to wear to meet Mia (his girlfriend) on Saturday. I asked my friend if he was still dating Ashley. He said he wasn't, and I asked what happened. He said "Chaz" I think he was kinda suprised when I knew what he was talking about. The kicker about the whole situation? HE WAS STILL DATING ME! Terry found out in May. It had been going on since February. That's when I met him. I just don't fucking believe it. I... I just don't know what the fuck to say! It's not like this is the first time it's happened. Half of my relationships have cheated on me. It's just not fucking fair! I think I should count it twice, though, since he was still fucking his ex, while he was dating me, and the other girl at the same time. I wouldn't be suprised if he was fucking the other girl too. I was considering going out and trying the whole "dating someone" thing again, but after my track record, I'm going to play it safe and just become the crazy cat lady. I really don't think I can take another person cheating on me.
Someone cheating on me is like the ultimate betrayl. When I date someone, and we go exclusive, then I love them with everything I have. I'm totally dedicated. It hurts when you love someone with out holding back, and they cheat on you. It makes you feel like you're just not good enough. Loveing someone without restraint just isn't enough. You're just not good enough. Try having that done three times. After that, it's just... enough if enough. I don't think my heart can take another person breaking it. It's already been shattered so many times, that it's nothing like it was before I started dating. I wanted to find the right person, settle down, get married, maybe have kids... but now, that just seems stupid. My heart's been so shattered, that I've gotten a very good view of my soul while I was trying to fix it. I'm a wild one. Getting married just isn't my style. I want to go out and have fun, not stay at home and be domestic. A live in, I wouldn't mind, considering I move into their place. If I move into their place, then I can leave. I don't have to worry about having to kick them out.
Now I just don't think I'm going to give relationships another shot. Not unless I have an amazing reason. I've tried everything there is: love with everything you have; make them work for love; don't love with everything you have, hold back. None of them have worked, so I just give up.