a glance into middle of the night crazy, potentially self-loathing me: a depressing entry.
it's 2 am and i'm wide awake because my normally absent brain will not stop turning out a thousand thoughts a minute. the hardest thing to deal with about these thoughts is that they all have to do with my self-proclaimed weaknesses and faults. i've said before that i live in my past, and as stupid as i know it is, i really do. i'm constantly thinking about minute events that occurred years ago that if i could change i probably would. but then, i tell myself if every single event hadn't happened, i wouldn't be the same person and would i be as "happy"? happy. what is happy. fuck if i know. i tell myself i am because i have all these things to look forward to, things to be proud of, things to amount to and well, because who admits that they may not be happy? i don't know if it was something i just assumed, something i deduced from the way my parents raised me, or something someone told me directly but i've always operated under the guise that to be happy you had to have achieved *something* (something: always specific to each person but always needing to be impressive nonetheless), have goals of achieving something *more*, and be accepting... maybe even *thankful* for the route that you took to get to where you are at present. i don't know if i'm happy or not happy. it feels weird.
i know i should be thankful for everything i have. i have so much more than so many people in this world have... i have two degrees under my belt. minimal student loans compared to some i know. friends that care about me. family that loves me. and sooo many material possessions that i wish to god i wasn't so reliant on. but what do i really have? do i have any better understandings of myself? of my friends? of anything of real value?
allow me to wallow in despair for a while... my brain is overrun with self-pity... maybe because i'm embarking on this huge, new, SHIT-SCARY (to me) journey that i'm not sure i'll come out of with my sanity or pride and i'm just looking to distract myself. maybe because i'm pmsing. yeah whatever hormones. fuck you.
pride. i'm afraid of failure. i'm afraid of disappointing my father. he never thought i was bright. he admitted to me on our drive out west that he was happy but SURPRISED that i did so well in my studies; both in highschool and in university. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? oh nothing. just that i'm apparently always distracted. seemed to never really try at anything... just "flitted" about doing what MADE ME HAPPY (what's wrong with that?). he says i always seemed to wait until the deadline and then somehow manage to scrape by with good grades. fuck you. i don't know how you scrape by with good grades but i fucking cared enough to do the work (without trying as hard as he seemed to think) and get the grades that i did. take your disappointment that my brilliant sister didn't achieve anything in university, was outshone by me, and shove it up your absent-throughout-my-entire-childhood ass. he told me i have two major faults that he's observed over the years (oh really... when you were never there?), my distraction as mentioned above and my dependence on people. i'm a people person, he says, and i can't succeed without the opportunity to be social. i don't even know how to react to that... the reactions i do have take me in a million different directions again.
i'm afraid of emotions. i can't open up to anyone to save my life and i can't figure out why. this takes me back to all those little moments in my life that i would change if i could but wouldn't if given the chance. yeah. figure that shit out. so many times... if i could have just said something else, done something different, had the courage to let myself FEEL whatever or even admit to wanting to feel it. i'd be a different person. maybe somebody even i could be proud of. i like to exude false confidence and maybe one day i'll bottle it and sell it as a fragrance.
i'm sorry that this sounds like a sob story... i'm just trying to get these thoughts down somewhere in the hopes of clearing my head enough to let myself drift off into slumber. but it seems that once i get going there's no stopping me. i want to be, do, and feel so much in my lifetime and while i'm still young, i feel like i've already missed out on soooo many bloody opportunities. all of which have left me embarrassed of my own inaction. is that even a word... it popped into my head as if it is one so i'm hoping it is and if it's not - i'm tired. if i know so much about how my brain works, how i learn, how i (am very stupidly going to) react to situations and people, how come i can't figure out how to break down the imaginary walls that i've put up to protect myself. why am i so guarded. why do i have to do crazy posts in the middle of the night because i can't sleep.
here's another why: why did thinking about a guy i had a crush on in high school lead me to write stupid shit i'm going to regret later? living in the past sucks.
my apologies to anyone who read this... if i could give you back the time, i would.
i know i should be thankful for everything i have. i have so much more than so many people in this world have... i have two degrees under my belt. minimal student loans compared to some i know. friends that care about me. family that loves me. and sooo many material possessions that i wish to god i wasn't so reliant on. but what do i really have? do i have any better understandings of myself? of my friends? of anything of real value?
allow me to wallow in despair for a while... my brain is overrun with self-pity... maybe because i'm embarking on this huge, new, SHIT-SCARY (to me) journey that i'm not sure i'll come out of with my sanity or pride and i'm just looking to distract myself. maybe because i'm pmsing. yeah whatever hormones. fuck you.
pride. i'm afraid of failure. i'm afraid of disappointing my father. he never thought i was bright. he admitted to me on our drive out west that he was happy but SURPRISED that i did so well in my studies; both in highschool and in university. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? oh nothing. just that i'm apparently always distracted. seemed to never really try at anything... just "flitted" about doing what MADE ME HAPPY (what's wrong with that?). he says i always seemed to wait until the deadline and then somehow manage to scrape by with good grades. fuck you. i don't know how you scrape by with good grades but i fucking cared enough to do the work (without trying as hard as he seemed to think) and get the grades that i did. take your disappointment that my brilliant sister didn't achieve anything in university, was outshone by me, and shove it up your absent-throughout-my-entire-childhood ass. he told me i have two major faults that he's observed over the years (oh really... when you were never there?), my distraction as mentioned above and my dependence on people. i'm a people person, he says, and i can't succeed without the opportunity to be social. i don't even know how to react to that... the reactions i do have take me in a million different directions again.
i'm afraid of emotions. i can't open up to anyone to save my life and i can't figure out why. this takes me back to all those little moments in my life that i would change if i could but wouldn't if given the chance. yeah. figure that shit out. so many times... if i could have just said something else, done something different, had the courage to let myself FEEL whatever or even admit to wanting to feel it. i'd be a different person. maybe somebody even i could be proud of. i like to exude false confidence and maybe one day i'll bottle it and sell it as a fragrance.
i'm sorry that this sounds like a sob story... i'm just trying to get these thoughts down somewhere in the hopes of clearing my head enough to let myself drift off into slumber. but it seems that once i get going there's no stopping me. i want to be, do, and feel so much in my lifetime and while i'm still young, i feel like i've already missed out on soooo many bloody opportunities. all of which have left me embarrassed of my own inaction. is that even a word... it popped into my head as if it is one so i'm hoping it is and if it's not - i'm tired. if i know so much about how my brain works, how i learn, how i (am very stupidly going to) react to situations and people, how come i can't figure out how to break down the imaginary walls that i've put up to protect myself. why am i so guarded. why do i have to do crazy posts in the middle of the night because i can't sleep.
here's another why: why did thinking about a guy i had a crush on in high school lead me to write stupid shit i'm going to regret later? living in the past sucks.
my apologies to anyone who read this... if i could give you back the time, i would.