still breathing! still walking around barefoot. still ambivalent.
I'm okay.
I'm in Montreal for a limited one night only engagement... currently at Xana's apartment in pajamas lounging around but I am under strict orders (from myself) to get dressed at ten & go on a solo adventure because I need to walk around a city & feel invisible & independent & um, alive? I don't know. I feel better in Montreal the way I feel better in New York - I feel my heart become a little bit bigger, my lungs take in a little more air, my ears on high alert - it's not like I feel these things are lacking in Burlington, though, I forget that I'm running on diminished power & I accept the status quo & forget that I was trying to get out, I've been trying to get out since the day I came back. but I've been digging myself deeper & deeper & I feel so stuck in Burlington, so scarily stuck. I can see myself there. period.
what now?
I'm in Montreal for a limited one night only engagement... currently at Xana's apartment in pajamas lounging around but I am under strict orders (from myself) to get dressed at ten & go on a solo adventure because I need to walk around a city & feel invisible & independent & um, alive? I don't know. I feel better in Montreal the way I feel better in New York - I feel my heart become a little bit bigger, my lungs take in a little more air, my ears on high alert - it's not like I feel these things are lacking in Burlington, though, I forget that I'm running on diminished power & I accept the status quo & forget that I was trying to get out, I've been trying to get out since the day I came back. but I've been digging myself deeper & deeper & I feel so stuck in Burlington, so scarily stuck. I can see myself there. period.
what now?