Givin' her all she's got
First LJ entry ever. Yes, I am that bored at work. It's like permanent Friday here. Summer school isn't all it's cracked up to be.
My stomach hurts. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. And it makes my stomach hurt.
I'm reading The Bell Jar right now and it's silly how much I relate to Esther. She thinks up an idea of what to do with her life, contemplates it momentarily, and then gives it up for one reason or another. She compared it to a tree and each branch is an possible future, but once she picks one she can't get to the other ones. That's not the case for me. I can do whatever I want until I die. I just don't know anymore. For a week I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. I still think it's doable, I just don't want to do it right this very second. I think my problem is that I don't think I'll be good enough for whatever job I get. I've no marketable skills and I'm not particularly extremely good at anything. I'm...average. Or maybe I am great and just can't see it.
I'm standing in my own way.
And Andy is there too.
I love him but sometimes I truly don't think it's going to last. Sometime he's just not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Sometimes, how he acts, he's not what I want at all. I wish he was better. I wish I was better too, but I wish he was better. I want what I think I deserve, and how he treats me sometimes, I feel isn't what I deserve. I don't know.
My stomach hurts. It's a monthly type of hurt, but not all the time. I get the worst aches when I'm anxious and nervous and scared and worried, and I get like that alot. Too often for comfort.
I feel my future slipping away sometimes. But I'm going to grab it and get things going. I'm tired of relying on others for progression into adulthood. Saturday, I'm getting my driver's permit and I'm going to learn how to drive. I hope to get my license as soon as possible. It will make me feel more grown up. And less of a failure.
Then I can see Andy whenever I can and want to. And also, vindictively, I want to show Ashley how to do freeways, since she's been driving for ages and STILL finds herself incapable. She could have been a real godsend the night of Alma's party, but she failed. That's the only way to put it, and I don't think I'll ever forget it. She could have helped me so immensely and it would have meant a great deal, but she failed.
I'm going home in an hour. I cannot wait until I'll be able to drive myself. I hate perpetually inconveniencing my grandparents. I hate being a burden.
Maybe I want to write for a living. I'm just not very creative. At least that's what I think. I want something new and awesome and exciting. I'm not expecting much. I just want what I want.
My stomach hurts. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. And it makes my stomach hurt.
I'm reading The Bell Jar right now and it's silly how much I relate to Esther. She thinks up an idea of what to do with her life, contemplates it momentarily, and then gives it up for one reason or another. She compared it to a tree and each branch is an possible future, but once she picks one she can't get to the other ones. That's not the case for me. I can do whatever I want until I die. I just don't know anymore. For a week I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. I still think it's doable, I just don't want to do it right this very second. I think my problem is that I don't think I'll be good enough for whatever job I get. I've no marketable skills and I'm not particularly extremely good at anything. I'm...average. Or maybe I am great and just can't see it.
I'm standing in my own way.
And Andy is there too.
I love him but sometimes I truly don't think it's going to last. Sometime he's just not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Sometimes, how he acts, he's not what I want at all. I wish he was better. I wish I was better too, but I wish he was better. I want what I think I deserve, and how he treats me sometimes, I feel isn't what I deserve. I don't know.
My stomach hurts. It's a monthly type of hurt, but not all the time. I get the worst aches when I'm anxious and nervous and scared and worried, and I get like that alot. Too often for comfort.
I feel my future slipping away sometimes. But I'm going to grab it and get things going. I'm tired of relying on others for progression into adulthood. Saturday, I'm getting my driver's permit and I'm going to learn how to drive. I hope to get my license as soon as possible. It will make me feel more grown up. And less of a failure.
Then I can see Andy whenever I can and want to. And also, vindictively, I want to show Ashley how to do freeways, since she's been driving for ages and STILL finds herself incapable. She could have been a real godsend the night of Alma's party, but she failed. That's the only way to put it, and I don't think I'll ever forget it. She could have helped me so immensely and it would have meant a great deal, but she failed.
I'm going home in an hour. I cannot wait until I'll be able to drive myself. I hate perpetually inconveniencing my grandparents. I hate being a burden.
Maybe I want to write for a living. I'm just not very creative. At least that's what I think. I want something new and awesome and exciting. I'm not expecting much. I just want what I want.