Judged
Today was a fairly good day. Had time with Andy, saw a movie with him and Ashley and her mom. It was nice. We went shopping and eat Burger King and snuggled a little. I took him home and drove back to my house listening to the Postal Service and going thirty mph down Charleston so I could enjoy the serenity and love and joy.
But then I got home.
I was heading to my room when my grandma had 'a couple things' to say to me. Color me perplexed. I asked for the car and didn't spring anything weird on them. Everything, in my eyes, was by the book. Apparently not. It went along lines like these:
"I don't know what was going on in your room but I didn't like what I saw" [We were snuggling under the covers. I was watching him play on the DS but we fell asleep.] Grandpa threw out the word 'hanky-panky.' "If you have to be in the bed, you both can't be under the covers. We don't want any of that in our house. If you want to do stuff like that, you can rent a motel room. Okay?" I nodded and whatever and stayed in my room for the rest of the night.
I can't put my finger on it, but my feelings are really hurt. What she said really bothered me, and for the life of world, I can't understand why.
I mean, first of all, what do you think we do my in room all day? Certainly not 'hanky-panky' the whole time, but it happens. It's happened since high school. It's actually kind of amazing we haven't been caught yet. Are my grandparents really that naive? I don't understand what they're thinking. We lived together, so surely they must know that we've "been together." Or as Andy like to put it, they know we fuck. What I can't comprehend is why, after almost four fucking years, NOW they say something? [The ironic part is not only weren't we fooling around, I'm on my rag so it wasn't really gonna happen then. Any other day, sure, but out of every fucking time, not today.]
So, contemplating the scenario and whatnot, I need to try to understand what I'm so upset about and why. Let's see...
They don't want "That" in their house? It's never been okay for me to be a sexual being. I get that. I'm the baby, the grandchild. But sex isn't a bad thing. I've never been pregnant, I'm on birth control. I've been their only success in child raising and I'm not even technically theirs. They know it, my moms knows it. But "That"? Inexcusable. They'd probably kick me out if they knew the things I've done in 'their' house. Lots and lots of "THAT."
Second. I'll have to rent a motel room? No seriously, she actually said that. And, somehow, to me, that makes it seem even more wrong and illicit, prostitution but not quite. Like it's a secret dirty thing that'll infect. That really hurt me. I guess... I feel like I'm being judged. See, my grandparents are the biggest hypocrites on the face of the planet. They've never, so far as I've been alive, practiced what they preached to me. No sex before marriage! Pay off your credit cards! Stop buying things you don't need! What. Ever. I'm being judged, on speculation nonetheless, by people who have no right to say anything at all.
Are they in denial? Refusing to see what's clearly apparent? Not apparent, I guess. More like, impossible to be doubted. Maybe I'm not old enough to be treated like an adult. My mom talks about that kind of stuff with them and it's mostly alright. Sure, I feel weird as fuck when I talk to my mom about it, but at least she sees me as an actual adult. She kind of always has. When I was three weeks late, I told her, not Grandma. She bought me the test and it turned out I was just stressing and worrying myself into lateness. But I told her. I think that says something.
Wow this post has way more information on it than I cared to share. Oh well, I suppose. I'm still just trying to figure out what's my reasoning behind my reaction. I plan on talking to other people about it and getting reactions and stuff, but right now I'm sticking with feeling like I'm being judged and am being found as wrong, illicit, bad, immoral, gross, whatever. I don't understand. I'd ask for comments but no one read this. Which is why I made on, so no one would. And if someone is, good for you, give me advice plzkthnx.
I still have homework to do. Fuck man. What a way to end a good day. I'm glad I won't really be home at all tomorrow. I'll get home, eat dinner, and go to my room and stay there. Homework maybe, but more than likely Facebook and Death Note. Alright, I'm done here.
But then I got home.
I was heading to my room when my grandma had 'a couple things' to say to me. Color me perplexed. I asked for the car and didn't spring anything weird on them. Everything, in my eyes, was by the book. Apparently not. It went along lines like these:
"I don't know what was going on in your room but I didn't like what I saw" [We were snuggling under the covers. I was watching him play on the DS but we fell asleep.] Grandpa threw out the word 'hanky-panky.' "If you have to be in the bed, you both can't be under the covers. We don't want any of that in our house. If you want to do stuff like that, you can rent a motel room. Okay?" I nodded and whatever and stayed in my room for the rest of the night.
I can't put my finger on it, but my feelings are really hurt. What she said really bothered me, and for the life of world, I can't understand why.
I mean, first of all, what do you think we do my in room all day? Certainly not 'hanky-panky' the whole time, but it happens. It's happened since high school. It's actually kind of amazing we haven't been caught yet. Are my grandparents really that naive? I don't understand what they're thinking. We lived together, so surely they must know that we've "been together." Or as Andy like to put it, they know we fuck. What I can't comprehend is why, after almost four fucking years, NOW they say something? [The ironic part is not only weren't we fooling around, I'm on my rag so it wasn't really gonna happen then. Any other day, sure, but out of every fucking time, not today.]
So, contemplating the scenario and whatnot, I need to try to understand what I'm so upset about and why. Let's see...
They don't want "That" in their house? It's never been okay for me to be a sexual being. I get that. I'm the baby, the grandchild. But sex isn't a bad thing. I've never been pregnant, I'm on birth control. I've been their only success in child raising and I'm not even technically theirs. They know it, my moms knows it. But "That"? Inexcusable. They'd probably kick me out if they knew the things I've done in 'their' house. Lots and lots of "THAT."
Second. I'll have to rent a motel room? No seriously, she actually said that. And, somehow, to me, that makes it seem even more wrong and illicit, prostitution but not quite. Like it's a secret dirty thing that'll infect. That really hurt me. I guess... I feel like I'm being judged. See, my grandparents are the biggest hypocrites on the face of the planet. They've never, so far as I've been alive, practiced what they preached to me. No sex before marriage! Pay off your credit cards! Stop buying things you don't need! What. Ever. I'm being judged, on speculation nonetheless, by people who have no right to say anything at all.
Are they in denial? Refusing to see what's clearly apparent? Not apparent, I guess. More like, impossible to be doubted. Maybe I'm not old enough to be treated like an adult. My mom talks about that kind of stuff with them and it's mostly alright. Sure, I feel weird as fuck when I talk to my mom about it, but at least she sees me as an actual adult. She kind of always has. When I was three weeks late, I told her, not Grandma. She bought me the test and it turned out I was just stressing and worrying myself into lateness. But I told her. I think that says something.
Wow this post has way more information on it than I cared to share. Oh well, I suppose. I'm still just trying to figure out what's my reasoning behind my reaction. I plan on talking to other people about it and getting reactions and stuff, but right now I'm sticking with feeling like I'm being judged and am being found as wrong, illicit, bad, immoral, gross, whatever. I don't understand. I'd ask for comments but no one read this. Which is why I made on, so no one would. And if someone is, good for you, give me advice plzkthnx.
I still have homework to do. Fuck man. What a way to end a good day. I'm glad I won't really be home at all tomorrow. I'll get home, eat dinner, and go to my room and stay there. Homework maybe, but more than likely Facebook and Death Note. Alright, I'm done here.