Been a long time
There's so much (and so little) that's gone on.
First of all, I kinda quit posting here because I fell into a deep depression. I didn't want to do anything, at all. Not go to work, not clean my house, not get out of bed. In fact, it got so bad on Friday that I did call in to work. I stayed in bed all day Friday and all day Saturday. Didn't eat, didn't drink... lost 6 lbs in those two days. I have started taking meds again, but I don't think they're working this time around. I'm going to have to talk to my doctor about something different. This time around, suicide (I'm sorry to say) has entered my mind.
The reason for the depression? Well, to be perfectly honest it's Bills fault. OK, I know that's not entirely true... I am my own person and I should be in control of my life. But I'm not. Not by far. In the last month Bill has gotten.... mean. Not physically, verbally. It's basically almost like it was before we got divorced. My thought is he tucked all that anger away. Since I wasn't 'his' anymore, he had no real control. Now that I want to be with him again, that anger has resurfaced. It never really went away.
Last week was particularly bad. I made the mistake of talking to him while he was drunk. He brought up all the old crap.... again. How it was my fault, I started it. How he was still angry with me. I had suggested couples counciling, which he refused. I told him I still loved him, he scoffed. It was hard, and terribly painful. In that one conversation he ripped open wounds that I thought had long healed. I thought my self esteem was low before? Pssh... If I was any lower I'd have to start counting in the negatives.
He is going to a councilor himself. But he seems to be interpretting her wrong. He told me that she said the only one he needs to make happy is himself. Well, he took that to mean that he could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. Which is why last week happened. He decided (for whatever reason) that he didn't want to talk to me. Wouldn't answer my calls, emails, text messages.... nothing. Just... ignored me. I still don't know why. He never did give me an explanation.
Along with his anger, he's still being cold to me. It weird... he was more friendly, more 'loveable' after we divorced. We talked every day. We went to dinner at least once a week. And we had sex too. But after I suggested we try again, he turned. I don't get it.
But..... I'm not giving up. Not yet. That's the mistake I made. Instead of fighting for my marriage I just gave up. Divorce is not really what I wanted. But I had so many people telling me that I needed to get away from him. Hindsight says we should have filed a separation, not a divorce. But what's done is done. It's in the past and I can't change it.
So, bottom line on me? I have no self esteem, I blame myself for everything (although I know it's not all my fault, i still do), I'm insecure, clinically depressed, and pretty much a hermit. Wow, life is grand.