I think I made a mistake
So the last couple weeks have been... in a word, difficult. I'm desperately trying to give Bill his space and allow him to figure things out on his own. Although I'd really rather just tell him how much I'm hurting, I've done that before and it got me nowhere. I think he's under the impression that the counselor will shed some light on things... and actually I hope she does.
But it's been so hard on me. I'm so depressed that it hurts. I know... I should go to the doctor myself... but I'm being stubborn... or stupid. One or the other.
He has barely touched me in two weeks. Wait... 3 weeks. The extent of the touching is a hug and kiss when he leaves to go home. I'm only human... and I crave to be touched. Sometimes he almost acts like I'm poison or something. I know that he's still punishing me, although he claims he's over it. I don't think he realizes he's doing it, but he still is.
So last night I asked if I could stay at his house. There was a logical reason for it. I was flying out this morning early from the airport on the company plane. It's an hour and a half drive from my house to the airport, and we were leaving early in the morning. Bill lives a little over a half hour from the airport, so I asked to stay there so I wouldn't have to get up so early and I was closer. He said that was fine.
So last night we went to bed. He rolled over with his back to me and went to sleep. At first I was like ' ok, fine... I won't push it'. But at 2:00 am I woke up crying, and I couldn't stop. Actually, I've been waking up crying a lot lately... not to mention crying when I'm driving... and even crying right now. You'd think I would have dehydrated by now. Anyhow, he wakes up and asks me what's wrong. Not wanting to upset him I say 'nothing'. He begins rubbing my back, and it feels so wonderful that I start crying harder. After a few minutes he lays me down and puts his arm around me. For the first time in a long time I feel.... loved. Well, what happened next you can probably imagine. After we were done though, I felt terrible. I felt that he only did it out of pity.
I don't know if I'm just too sensitive now, or if it was honestly real feelings. I'm so lost and confused, I don't know what to think. And now I'm afraid to talk to him. I don't want to seem needy, but damnit I need. Being alone is the absolute worst feeling I've ever had.
After we divorced he constantly called. He asked to see me often. He wanted to be with me and touch me. I'll admit, we had sex many times after the divorce. And many times when he'd leave he would start crying. But since I've told him I made a mistake and want to try again, he's been distant.
I just don't know anymore. My sister in law asked me how long I was going to wait around for him. She thinks I should give up. And this is her own brother. But I can't. And I'll wait for him until I don't love him anymore.
But it's been so hard on me. I'm so depressed that it hurts. I know... I should go to the doctor myself... but I'm being stubborn... or stupid. One or the other.
He has barely touched me in two weeks. Wait... 3 weeks. The extent of the touching is a hug and kiss when he leaves to go home. I'm only human... and I crave to be touched. Sometimes he almost acts like I'm poison or something. I know that he's still punishing me, although he claims he's over it. I don't think he realizes he's doing it, but he still is.
So last night I asked if I could stay at his house. There was a logical reason for it. I was flying out this morning early from the airport on the company plane. It's an hour and a half drive from my house to the airport, and we were leaving early in the morning. Bill lives a little over a half hour from the airport, so I asked to stay there so I wouldn't have to get up so early and I was closer. He said that was fine.
So last night we went to bed. He rolled over with his back to me and went to sleep. At first I was like ' ok, fine... I won't push it'. But at 2:00 am I woke up crying, and I couldn't stop. Actually, I've been waking up crying a lot lately... not to mention crying when I'm driving... and even crying right now. You'd think I would have dehydrated by now. Anyhow, he wakes up and asks me what's wrong. Not wanting to upset him I say 'nothing'. He begins rubbing my back, and it feels so wonderful that I start crying harder. After a few minutes he lays me down and puts his arm around me. For the first time in a long time I feel.... loved. Well, what happened next you can probably imagine. After we were done though, I felt terrible. I felt that he only did it out of pity.
I don't know if I'm just too sensitive now, or if it was honestly real feelings. I'm so lost and confused, I don't know what to think. And now I'm afraid to talk to him. I don't want to seem needy, but damnit I need. Being alone is the absolute worst feeling I've ever had.
After we divorced he constantly called. He asked to see me often. He wanted to be with me and touch me. I'll admit, we had sex many times after the divorce. And many times when he'd leave he would start crying. But since I've told him I made a mistake and want to try again, he's been distant.
I just don't know anymore. My sister in law asked me how long I was going to wait around for him. She thinks I should give up. And this is her own brother. But I can't. And I'll wait for him until I don't love him anymore.