OOM: The Aftermath
The Aftermath
Darkness I Feel Like Letting Go
Michelle cleaned until ammonia stung her eyes and her fingers hurt from scrubbing. She knew it was nothing compared to what was happening to Chris, to Chase, to Jack, to --
Four days. Four days without word except for some more footage Chloe sent and she's stopped herself from watching it on a loop. She tried to get to China, but the flights were too expensive and she knew that she would only get herself killed. Chloe sent an encrypted email, telling her that they were trying again. She doesn't believe in God, but she prayed.
Now, she sits at the computer, watches normal network traffic, and waits.
I should call Bill. I should tell him. Can't do this on our own -- It's the same thought that's been plaguing her for weeks. But she can't tell him what's going on without breaking Jack's cover and opening herself up to a lot of unanswerable questions. No, they have to do this alone.
A beep from the system in front of her. Something is lighting up every applicable spy satellite. An urgent memo from Division reports an explosion in northwest China and her heart's in her throat as the graph spikes.
She slips her earpiece on and dials Chloe's number.
"Chloe, they're onto you -- "
"Doesn't matter, they're out," a long pause. "Michelle, Tony, he didn't - "
She digs her nails into her palm, feeling tears slip down her face and tasting salt. She thought she'd be unable to cry.
"No. Not -- "
"I'm so sorry."
Michelle doesn't hear those words, clicking off the connection, covering her face with her hands and when she opens her eyes, it's like the world has changed.
The program flashes at her and Michelle ignores it.
No mistake, no last minute phone call, no pardons, there's just footage from days ago - a body wrapped in a tarp --
("It's over. It's...it's finally over."
She feels guilty when she thinks of all the dead but oh god it's over.
He wraps his arms around her and pulls her close into a hug, rocking her gently. "Yeah, it's over.")
Screen going blurry, she reaches out and traces the monitor - the tarp - her --
("But I'm your wife," she whispers. And realizes what she just said.
"And I'm your husband. I should've...I should've told you. And I shouldn't have pushed you away. I should've worked harder to keep you, and I didn't. I failed then. I don't want to fail now." He pauses. "Besides, you're, ah, not my wife now. At least not yet."
She pulls back to look at him and touches his face, "Not yet?" she breathes, as if afraid to say it too loud.
"I think you'd need to marry me beforehand."
He pauses, bites his lip and looks down. He can't believe he's about to say this. After all that's happened, after the way he's behaved, he doesn't deserve to ask this of her but--damnit it was the one thing he wanted most day in and day out and why not ask now?
"...would you?"
When he says the words it feels like something inside of her melts.
Together, the way they should be...the way they would be if life hadn't thrown them a few huge obstacles.
"Nothing in the world would make me happier." She grins, can't help it, even after his confession and the knowledge of what happened because...he's hers and she's his.)
In a violent movement, she stands, the chair falling over onto its side, she glares at the monitor and swipes , pushing it over the edge of the table. The LCD screen doesn't crack, the flat panel holding onto life by its connection cord , swinging slightly from the force of her action. She takes a shuddering breath, stumbling backward, until she reaches the door frame and she leans her forehead against the wood, gasping for air.
"Tony," she whimpers.
Pressing her hand against her stomach, she struggles to stay standing, all warmth's slipped away and goosebumps prickle her skin.
Didn't get to say goodbye. Say I love you. Say wait for me
Milliways.
("Wherever I go after I die...I hope it's with you."
She leans her head against his shoulder and closes her eyes, "I do too, sweetheart."
He closes his eyes, takes a breath. He's not really sure where he's going. Doesn't know if it's heaven or hell, purgatory or the bar. And even though this is contrary to everything he's been taught about the afterlife, he knows he wouldn't mind suffering if it meant he could be with Michelle forever. Losing her once was hell and purgatory enough for him.
He wraps his arms around her, squeezing her. "I love you."
"I love you. So much," she breathes. He's holding her tightly but she's hugging back almost as hard.
"You're my home," she whispers)
She runs out the room and up the stairs. Her hand trembles as she opens the door, but she finds only their - her - bedroom.
"No," she whispers, trying another door, which leads to the guest room -- perfect for our first child and Tony wanted to decorate it because he was so sure that we'd be successful --
She squeezes her eyes shut, but Milliways doesn't appear.
Every door in the house opens to the next room. No matter how many times she tries.
One other way. She opens the bedroom door - sheets don't smell like him anymore, never will again
In her drawer is her old gun and she rummages through her shirts until she finds it. Hard to remember reasons for living - hard to think beyond the feel of his breath against the nape of her neck and the sound of his laughter and if she'd only gone with him - if only he hadn't gone at all. But, couldn't do that, would have never been able to look at him without thinking of how they let Jack die.
Trapped and made a choice, a sacrifice, but they were supposed to have their happily ever after. Sweetheart, why aren't you here, you should be here --
(She slides her arms around him and rests her cheek against his arm. "It's okay to need me."
He, in turn, wraps his arms around her, resting his cheek against her hair. He simply nods, and closes his eyes.
He does need her. More than anything.
"Because I need you," she says in a soft voice.)
She grasps the gun in her hands, holds it against her chest and sways, reaching out and sinking down to the floor, still cradling it.
Please. Please I just want to say goodbye. I just want to see him again. I need to see him again
(But she looks up at her husband, at the man she loves more than anyone else, and hopes that they don't have to journey through that door for a long, long time.
He hoped that God, in His mercy, would let them leave together. To the clearing. To heaven.
To wherever they were going to spend eternity together.)
The phone rings and she can pull the trigger or talk.
Another breath.
"Chelle, it's your mother. A Chloe O'Brien called me, she said that something happened to Tony." A sigh. "Chelle, pick up the phone."
She hugs the gun tighter, but she already knows she's going to put it away.
"Chelle, I'm grabbing my keys and I'm coming over." In the background, she can hear her step-dad Alan whispering, "Lindy, is something wrong?"
She leans forward, holding the gun in her right hand, grabbing the phone with her left, and her voice trembles as she answers.
"Mom? It's over."
"Chelle?"
"Had to save him and couldn't....and Tony, he - he didn't make it..."
"Didn't -- ?"
"He's dead mom, he's gone, he's not coming back and I - " I've lost everything
"I'll be right over."
"Don't bring Alan." Only a few people have seen her this way and even in this state she knows she doesn't want Alan to be one of them.
"Okay, whatever you want," Her mother's voice tries to be soothing.
I want Tony, I want to go back in time and ask Bill and CTU for help, I want --
("I can call you my lover,"
"That sounds so...exotic. Can't I just be your boyfriend?"
"Can't you just be my Tony?"
"I can be your Tony as long as you can be my Michelle." )
"Please hurry," she barely recognizes her voice.
[ooc: Huge thanks to Karen and Bridget for beta. Also, Sarah Mclachlan for inspiration and some lyrics.]
Darkness I Feel Like Letting Go
Michelle cleaned until ammonia stung her eyes and her fingers hurt from scrubbing. She knew it was nothing compared to what was happening to Chris, to Chase, to Jack, to --
Four days. Four days without word except for some more footage Chloe sent and she's stopped herself from watching it on a loop. She tried to get to China, but the flights were too expensive and she knew that she would only get herself killed. Chloe sent an encrypted email, telling her that they were trying again. She doesn't believe in God, but she prayed.
Now, she sits at the computer, watches normal network traffic, and waits.
I should call Bill. I should tell him. Can't do this on our own -- It's the same thought that's been plaguing her for weeks. But she can't tell him what's going on without breaking Jack's cover and opening herself up to a lot of unanswerable questions. No, they have to do this alone.
A beep from the system in front of her. Something is lighting up every applicable spy satellite. An urgent memo from Division reports an explosion in northwest China and her heart's in her throat as the graph spikes.
She slips her earpiece on and dials Chloe's number.
"Chloe, they're onto you -- "
"Doesn't matter, they're out," a long pause. "Michelle, Tony, he didn't - "
She digs her nails into her palm, feeling tears slip down her face and tasting salt. She thought she'd be unable to cry.
"No. Not -- "
"I'm so sorry."
Michelle doesn't hear those words, clicking off the connection, covering her face with her hands and when she opens her eyes, it's like the world has changed.
The program flashes at her and Michelle ignores it.
No mistake, no last minute phone call, no pardons, there's just footage from days ago - a body wrapped in a tarp --
("It's over. It's...it's finally over."
She feels guilty when she thinks of all the dead but oh god it's over.
He wraps his arms around her and pulls her close into a hug, rocking her gently. "Yeah, it's over.")
Screen going blurry, she reaches out and traces the monitor - the tarp - her --
("But I'm your wife," she whispers. And realizes what she just said.
"And I'm your husband. I should've...I should've told you. And I shouldn't have pushed you away. I should've worked harder to keep you, and I didn't. I failed then. I don't want to fail now." He pauses. "Besides, you're, ah, not my wife now. At least not yet."
She pulls back to look at him and touches his face, "Not yet?" she breathes, as if afraid to say it too loud.
"I think you'd need to marry me beforehand."
He pauses, bites his lip and looks down. He can't believe he's about to say this. After all that's happened, after the way he's behaved, he doesn't deserve to ask this of her but--damnit it was the one thing he wanted most day in and day out and why not ask now?
"...would you?"
When he says the words it feels like something inside of her melts.
Together, the way they should be...the way they would be if life hadn't thrown them a few huge obstacles.
"Nothing in the world would make me happier." She grins, can't help it, even after his confession and the knowledge of what happened because...he's hers and she's his.)
In a violent movement, she stands, the chair falling over onto its side, she glares at the monitor and swipes , pushing it over the edge of the table. The LCD screen doesn't crack, the flat panel holding onto life by its connection cord , swinging slightly from the force of her action. She takes a shuddering breath, stumbling backward, until she reaches the door frame and she leans her forehead against the wood, gasping for air.
"Tony," she whimpers.
Pressing her hand against her stomach, she struggles to stay standing, all warmth's slipped away and goosebumps prickle her skin.
Didn't get to say goodbye. Say I love you. Say wait for me
Milliways.
("Wherever I go after I die...I hope it's with you."
She leans her head against his shoulder and closes her eyes, "I do too, sweetheart."
He closes his eyes, takes a breath. He's not really sure where he's going. Doesn't know if it's heaven or hell, purgatory or the bar. And even though this is contrary to everything he's been taught about the afterlife, he knows he wouldn't mind suffering if it meant he could be with Michelle forever. Losing her once was hell and purgatory enough for him.
He wraps his arms around her, squeezing her. "I love you."
"I love you. So much," she breathes. He's holding her tightly but she's hugging back almost as hard.
"You're my home," she whispers)
She runs out the room and up the stairs. Her hand trembles as she opens the door, but she finds only their - her - bedroom.
"No," she whispers, trying another door, which leads to the guest room -- perfect for our first child and Tony wanted to decorate it because he was so sure that we'd be successful --
She squeezes her eyes shut, but Milliways doesn't appear.
Every door in the house opens to the next room. No matter how many times she tries.
One other way. She opens the bedroom door - sheets don't smell like him anymore, never will again
In her drawer is her old gun and she rummages through her shirts until she finds it. Hard to remember reasons for living - hard to think beyond the feel of his breath against the nape of her neck and the sound of his laughter and if she'd only gone with him - if only he hadn't gone at all. But, couldn't do that, would have never been able to look at him without thinking of how they let Jack die.
Trapped and made a choice, a sacrifice, but they were supposed to have their happily ever after. Sweetheart, why aren't you here, you should be here --
(She slides her arms around him and rests her cheek against his arm. "It's okay to need me."
He, in turn, wraps his arms around her, resting his cheek against her hair. He simply nods, and closes his eyes.
He does need her. More than anything.
"Because I need you," she says in a soft voice.)
She grasps the gun in her hands, holds it against her chest and sways, reaching out and sinking down to the floor, still cradling it.
Please. Please I just want to say goodbye. I just want to see him again. I need to see him again
(But she looks up at her husband, at the man she loves more than anyone else, and hopes that they don't have to journey through that door for a long, long time.
He hoped that God, in His mercy, would let them leave together. To the clearing. To heaven.
To wherever they were going to spend eternity together.)
The phone rings and she can pull the trigger or talk.
Another breath.
"Chelle, it's your mother. A Chloe O'Brien called me, she said that something happened to Tony." A sigh. "Chelle, pick up the phone."
She hugs the gun tighter, but she already knows she's going to put it away.
"Chelle, I'm grabbing my keys and I'm coming over." In the background, she can hear her step-dad Alan whispering, "Lindy, is something wrong?"
She leans forward, holding the gun in her right hand, grabbing the phone with her left, and her voice trembles as she answers.
"Mom? It's over."
"Chelle?"
"Had to save him and couldn't....and Tony, he - he didn't make it..."
"Didn't -- ?"
"He's dead mom, he's gone, he's not coming back and I - " I've lost everything
"I'll be right over."
"Don't bring Alan." Only a few people have seen her this way and even in this state she knows she doesn't want Alan to be one of them.
"Okay, whatever you want," Her mother's voice tries to be soothing.
I want Tony, I want to go back in time and ask Bill and CTU for help, I want --
("I can call you my lover,"
"That sounds so...exotic. Can't I just be your boyfriend?"
"Can't you just be my Tony?"
"I can be your Tony as long as you can be my Michelle." )
"Please hurry," she barely recognizes her voice.
[ooc: Huge thanks to Karen and Bridget for beta. Also, Sarah Mclachlan for inspiration and some lyrics.]