High Expectations Lead to Disappointment
I used to be afraid of losing my mom. If she was late coming home, I would be convinced she died in a car accident, and I would spend several minutes crying and pacing until she came home. The relief was short lived, because I would find something else to worry about. Get your mammogram, get your pap smear, lose weight, go to the doctor! The more I pushed her about her health, the less she took me seriously. But I was so anxious about her health because I would read stories about women in their 40s and younger succumbing to cancer. This is one of my biggest fears: cancer.
I have bouts of extreme anxiety, health anxiety especially. I figure if I worry I can have a little bit of control over my life. I conclude that if I stay on top of my health, I won't have to worry about any serious diseases. But now, I don't care. I eat what I want, I've stopped checking the toilet for blood, I've stopped checking for lumps and obsessing over a late period. I'm probably not going to the doctor this year unless something is obviously wrong, like I'm coughing up blood or a huge lump is protruding from my chest. Sometimes the cancer thoughts come up when I have a particularly bad headache or stomach ache, but they always go away. Maybe one day they won't, but I'm tired of being scared all the time. If I get cancer, I might as well enjoy what I want before it happens.
Besides, there is no way I can be disappointed if I don't expect anything to get better. I don't want to be caught off guard by tragedy so I mentally prepare myself for the worst. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, as the saying goes. I would do anything to stop bad things from happening, but I'm powerless. I guess that's why I don't pray anymore. I feel like things are going to happen regardless of positive thinking or optimism. I'm not saying prayer is pointless. It's not. For reasons unbeknowst to me, God does not always intervene when we ask.
That's why I'm so hesitant to pray. They say God will never disappoint you but that's not true. I can't handle anymore disappointments. I'm still hoping this year will be my last. I'm still clinging to my salvation as my final anchor. Because even though I've strayed so far, I will never return the gift Jesus died to buy for me. But what if that's not enough… ?