Inspired by Today's Assembly
Here I am, back where I was. Not too surprising, right? I mean. I knew this wasn't going to last long. It was good while it was there, but now it's time to let go again. I don't care. If it doesn't last forever, then it might as well be fake, and I rather not have it at all. To tell you the truth, I hate myself. Yes, sad but true. I can't stand who I am. I can't stand the low self-esteem, I hate the no confidence, I hate the shyness. And guess what? There's nothing I can do to change that. I can't love myself the way God loves me. I told Him this constantly. It just isn't possible. I rather love others and make them happy. At least I'd be doing something useful with my worthless life. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. It's all such a waste. Dreams of becoming a famous author or becoming a child psychologist, counseling troubled children around the country is just a fantasy. I can't do any of that stuff, no matter how much I want to. I want to be smart again. I remember in middle school and elementary school, I used to always be at the top of my class. Now Iit's like I've given up. 3.3 GPA? How pathetic. I guess I don't deserve to be smart. I don't deserve my family. I don't derserve my talents. I don't even deserve an education. There's so many people out there that would kill to be in the position I'm in. And here I am, completely ungrateful for all the things God has blessed me with. How do I live with myself? Why do I continue to still live with myself? I don't know.
Lately, I've been thinking about heaven. Wouldn't it all be worth it to end everything and be with God? How could He be angry with me for that? As far as I know, we don't even remember our lives here on earth, so why bother? Like I said, I want to do good things for people and myself. But I can't. So why am I here? Don't worry, I'm not going to commit suicide. Frankly, I'm actually pretty scared of the dying proccess. Not death itself, but how it progresses. So...
I'll graduate from high school with my mediocre 3.3 GPA. From there, I'm just not sure. I used to want to go to college. I still do. I mean, I'm going to have to go somewhere because my parents are sending me out as soon as I finish my senior year. I would rather die than flip burgers at McDonald's or working in a grotesque factory like the Turkey Plant. But if I don't go to college, I guess that's where I'm going to work. As low as my esteem is, I want to work somewhere better than that. I want to work where I'm actually helping people. But how can I help people when I can't help myself?
The speaker at our school today was talking about options and decisions. He grew up on the streets when he was kid. He didn't have food in the refrigerator at night or a home or parents. The only people that looked out for him was his teachers and other people around the community. He could of made up a good excuse for not making something of himself. But he didn't. He's done great things, despite where he came from. I don't have an excuse. I have parents who provide for me. I go to school. Our family has good credit. I should make something of myself. The fact of the matter is that I was born a loser and that makes it all worse.
I wish I knew all the answers. Life seems like this long stretch of darkness where you can't see or know where you're going. The only dim light I see is God but the light is so dull. I'm trying to follow it but I keep stumbling along the way and it hurts so much.
P.S. Good news! My creative writing teacher wants to submit my concrete poem into a contest. It felt amazing to be recognised like that! I've always wanted to put my work into a contest. You know...maybe this is a glimmer of hope.
P.S.S (I'm sorry this is so depressing. Don't worry, I'm still me.)
Lately, I've been thinking about heaven. Wouldn't it all be worth it to end everything and be with God? How could He be angry with me for that? As far as I know, we don't even remember our lives here on earth, so why bother? Like I said, I want to do good things for people and myself. But I can't. So why am I here? Don't worry, I'm not going to commit suicide. Frankly, I'm actually pretty scared of the dying proccess. Not death itself, but how it progresses. So...
I'll graduate from high school with my mediocre 3.3 GPA. From there, I'm just not sure. I used to want to go to college. I still do. I mean, I'm going to have to go somewhere because my parents are sending me out as soon as I finish my senior year. I would rather die than flip burgers at McDonald's or working in a grotesque factory like the Turkey Plant. But if I don't go to college, I guess that's where I'm going to work. As low as my esteem is, I want to work somewhere better than that. I want to work where I'm actually helping people. But how can I help people when I can't help myself?
The speaker at our school today was talking about options and decisions. He grew up on the streets when he was kid. He didn't have food in the refrigerator at night or a home or parents. The only people that looked out for him was his teachers and other people around the community. He could of made up a good excuse for not making something of himself. But he didn't. He's done great things, despite where he came from. I don't have an excuse. I have parents who provide for me. I go to school. Our family has good credit. I should make something of myself. The fact of the matter is that I was born a loser and that makes it all worse.
I wish I knew all the answers. Life seems like this long stretch of darkness where you can't see or know where you're going. The only dim light I see is God but the light is so dull. I'm trying to follow it but I keep stumbling along the way and it hurts so much.
P.S. Good news! My creative writing teacher wants to submit my concrete poem into a contest. It felt amazing to be recognised like that! I've always wanted to put my work into a contest. You know...maybe this is a glimmer of hope.
P.S.S (I'm sorry this is so depressing. Don't worry, I'm still me.)