Officially Friendless
Just like the title says, I am officially friendless. (for the exception of my good friend Chyna, but I feel that our relationship is even drifting) I had to let some people go. Wayne, Mary, etc. I'm just tired of being angry and fustrated with them.
Holding on to unforgiveness is baggage. I thought of it like this: Refusing to forgive is like carrying around the ghosts of everyone who has ever hurt you. Those people have probably moved on, but you are still carrying around the ghosts, allowing them to color your current life experience. It's almost as if you're allowing those people to continue haunting you. Do I really want to live the rest of my life “haunted”?
I got a pen and paper and wrote out the names of every single person who hurt me. I wrote out all of my grievances towards them. I left no stone unturned. Then…I said: “I forgive all of you and I release all of you. I refuse to let you ruin my life another day.” I plan on burning them pretty soon or at least flushing them down the toilet.
And because I am a praying person, I really want to pray for each person that had been on my list, wishing them well and for whatever caused them to treat me cruelly to be healed within them so they would not ever hurt anyone else like that again. I find this part difficult to do right now. But I'm taking baby steps.
But you know what is even harder than forgving others? Yourself. Because I know that I have hurt others out of my ignorance in the past. And guess what? So has everyone….maybe without even knowing it. We are all imperfect.
Just because I forgave, or trying to forgive them, doesn't mean I have to remain being their friend, right? Maybe someday we can be again, but I refuse to continue in my misery because of them.
Sure, I know I'm going to be really lonely because of this, but when have I not been lonely?