I've Already Died
Mentally, I'm dead. Spiritually, I'm dead. Socially, I've never even been alive. The next step is my physical death, and then it will all be over. Everyone says suicide survivors are grateful to be alive after their attempts to kill themselves. What about the people who try again--multiple times? After all the years I've spent pondering over suicide, I'm still not happy to be here. I've waited for nothing. I had hope for nothing. But it's not anyone's fault. Not God's, not fate, not destiny, or whatever force is out there. It's my fault. I can't complain. I'm not asking for a miraculous change in circumstances. I'm asking to be let go. Don't let me kick and scream while you hold me back. Just pull the plug. I'm tired of this life. I'm tired of seeing the headlines about death, war and violence. I'm tired of feeling like a pathetic loser. A 21-year-old loser with a minimum wage part time job living at home with an unfinished degree in Creative Writing whose parents are probably sick to death of using up all their resources. A 21-year-old college dropout with no goals, no friends, no relationship. A 21-year-old failure who dreams, ponders and wonders about death on a daily basis but is too afraid to die. A 21-year-old who cries at the drop of a pin, falls apart by the trivial and gets angry over childish things. I'm so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm ashamed and everyone else should be, too. People only like me, because they don't know who I really am. If they knew, no one would talk to me again. If they saw how I claw at my head and throw things and pace and rock back and forth, they'd think I was insane. Maybe I am insane.
I don't think it's fair how God allows all of these people to die, but continues to let me live. People who want to live, who have SO much to offer, die and someone like me is still here. It just proves that life isn't fair. I would definitely trade my life for someone who was sick and dying but wanted to live. I'll take on the pain, because it wouldn't last forever. But what can I do? I can either take my life or keep wishing for death to come until it does. Because it will come someday. At least death is the only guarantee. Death takes away all problems. Death cures all ills. But life is the only thing we've ever known. From the moment we were born, we were filled with life. We've never experienced the absence of thought, senses and awareness. Death is like sleep, only the difference is we know we're going to wake up when we close our eyes. Or at least we expect to. So we're not afraid to sleep. But death is permanent. It's a never-ending sleep. The absolute finality of it is what scares us. We're afraid to leave our loved ones. We're afraid of what's going to happen. I'm scared of it, but I know that once it happens, I'll never have to experience this terrible life ever again. I only hope that hell doesn't await me, or else I regret everything I just wrote. But I don't understand why God would let me into heaven. I'm spiritually dead. If I were a real Christian, none of this would have happened. I still believe...but it's getting harder to day by day.
I get angry when I think about faith and prayer. I don't even know why. It's like something attached to me that I can't get rid of. I don't want to think like this, but most of the time I'm not in control of my thoughts. Crazy things just pop up. I repent, but it keeps happening. I'm just exhausted. I'm tired of fighting this demon. I just want to sleep forever. Please keep my soul, God. I'm sorry for the things I've thought and said about you. Just don't let me go to hell.
I don't think it's fair how God allows all of these people to die, but continues to let me live. People who want to live, who have SO much to offer, die and someone like me is still here. It just proves that life isn't fair. I would definitely trade my life for someone who was sick and dying but wanted to live. I'll take on the pain, because it wouldn't last forever. But what can I do? I can either take my life or keep wishing for death to come until it does. Because it will come someday. At least death is the only guarantee. Death takes away all problems. Death cures all ills. But life is the only thing we've ever known. From the moment we were born, we were filled with life. We've never experienced the absence of thought, senses and awareness. Death is like sleep, only the difference is we know we're going to wake up when we close our eyes. Or at least we expect to. So we're not afraid to sleep. But death is permanent. It's a never-ending sleep. The absolute finality of it is what scares us. We're afraid to leave our loved ones. We're afraid of what's going to happen. I'm scared of it, but I know that once it happens, I'll never have to experience this terrible life ever again. I only hope that hell doesn't await me, or else I regret everything I just wrote. But I don't understand why God would let me into heaven. I'm spiritually dead. If I were a real Christian, none of this would have happened. I still believe...but it's getting harder to day by day.
I get angry when I think about faith and prayer. I don't even know why. It's like something attached to me that I can't get rid of. I don't want to think like this, but most of the time I'm not in control of my thoughts. Crazy things just pop up. I repent, but it keeps happening. I'm just exhausted. I'm tired of fighting this demon. I just want to sleep forever. Please keep my soul, God. I'm sorry for the things I've thought and said about you. Just don't let me go to hell.