Thus ends the boy...
I think Theo just broke up with me. Apparently he thinks that I am probably more into him than he is to me (in all fairness, this is true) and he thought maybe we should back off for now because he doesn't want to hurt me (little too late for that) He also said, that "he doesn't know what changed but he guesses he was just more into me before." So, he's not as into me now. I managed to hold it together so well up until that point and then whoosh the tears started. Because, WHAT??? And my paranoid self is thinking, well, I have gained some weight, is that it. And the fucking icing is, part of it does have to do with how stupid and jealous I acted that night I got drunk. He thinks that that just brought out hidden feelings I had. Fuck. And the thing is, I was just talking to some friends about my concerns with the relationship and how he seemed to have some really skewed ideas about relationships (basically, there is no point if you don't have kids) and the whole allergic to cats thing and just some fundamental differences in how we see things and in how he was approaching our relationship and I was scared that I might have to end things at some point. But, he was such the perfect guy in so many other ways and I wasn't ready to let go yet. But apparently he was. I was so caught off guard. I went and worked out this morning and went home to get ready for a nice lunch with Theo after which I figured we would hang out and relax and have some sex. But no, instead, he broke it off. And despite the little part of me that said that it had to happen at some point, the rest of me is crushed and hurt and fragile and humiliated and feeling ugly and worthless. He was a great guy and I can't help but wonder why he didn't want me. Because I wanted him, flaws and all. And I was willing to fight for it and try to work through those weird relationship ideas he had. But apparently, he's not into me anymore. Wow, that is hard to swallow. He still wants to be friends and he still really likes me. So...that basically means he doesn't want to sleep with me anymore. That's fuckin' great. And I don't know what to do now. It's too early to get drunk. I'm already full from lunch. I just don't know. I just keep having all these thoughts at once. I'm just sad.