Chapter 4a
Jared loved Chad, he really did. But when it came to relationships, a rock could give better advice than him.
Sandy, on the other hand, was an expert. Aside from the casual dating, she had had three serious relationships and three different break ups. The first one ended with a huge fight, where vases and glasses and painting were thrown at each other and screams could be heard from across the street. The second one ended almost at a church. The man wanted to marry Sandy so much that he prepared a surprise weeding. It was only because Sandy was such an understanding woman that she was able to dissuade him. The last one, well, the last one, the man had been a jerk, dumping Sandy every time he could and generally making her as miserable as possible. Chad had had a few words with him in private that Jared suspected involved lots of colorful death threats. A day later, the man appeared at Sandy’s doorstep full of explanations and asking for forgiveness. Chad had laughed himself sick.
Anyway, the fact was that Sandy was the person Jared could go to whenever he felt lost in his dating problems. And that was why he was seated at her porch with a beer in one hand and Sandy’s stare focused on him.
“And when he finally managed to get up, he left, just telling me he had to find Chris.”
Sandy’s gaze had the understanding warmth only she could irradiate. She nodded whenever Jared told her some knew fact in the story, letting him know that she was paying attention, but never interrupting the flow of the words. Sandy was an amazing listener.
“This friend of Jensen… I don’t like him, Jay. Did you saw what he did to Mike the other day?”
Jared had seen. He had teased Mike for two days straight because of it. It wasn’t always that the infamous Michael Rosenbaum got the worst. In fact, he always got out of trouble unscathed.
Jared suppressed a laugh. Sandy shot him a recriminating look.
“It’s not funny, Jay. Mike could have been hurt.”
Jarred rolled his eyes.
“Oh, come on, Sandy! Mike couldn’t get hurt and you know it! Besides, he was asking for it! I saw him irritating the poor man! Mike’s worse than Chad!”
Sandy’s stare didn’t lose any of its weight. Jared sighed.
“Ok, maybe it was a bit dangerous. But it was really funny.”
Sandy raised her eyebrow.
“Try not to let your mind wander, Jay.”
Jared smiled sheepishly. He knew Sandy wasn’t really angry. She couldn’t stay angry at him.
“It’s you fault for bringing up Mike and Jen’s crazy friend.”
Sandy shook her head.
“Let’s leave Jensen’s crazy friend alone and focus on the actual problem, ok?”
Jared nodded. He could do that. He wasn’t interested in Kane anyway.
“I have no idea about what goes into Jen’s head,” he said dutifully. “Sometimes he’s so receptive, it’s like we’ve known each other all our lives. We can talk for hours and hours.” He gave her a soft smile. “I love these times.”
Sandy smiled back at him.
“But there’re other times,” she urged.
Jared nodded. Sandy was so easy to talk to.
“There’re times when he won’t say a word to me. We’ll be on the pier and he won’t even look at me. He closes in on himself. It’s almost as if he isn’t even there.”
Sandy frowned. Jared had learned to fear whenever Sandy did that. Usually it meant something wasn’t right.
“That’s strange, Jay.”
Jared agreed. He already knew that.
“Tell me about it. And last night, he just stood there while I was singing. He was silent for so long I thought I had imagined him there. And then he fell. If I wasn’t close to him, I wouldn’t have been able to catch him.”
Sandy’s eyes were lost somewhere over Jared’s shoulder, looking into the ocean and beyond. But Jared knew her mind wasn’t on the view but on Jared’s problems.
“Do you know if he is sick?” she finally asked. Her voice was gentle, as if not to spook Jared.
Jared stilled. He hadn’t thought of that. What if Jensen had some kind of disease? God, he had never asked him. What kind of boyfriend he was?
“I have no idea, Sandy. You think I should have asked him?”
Sandy shrugged.
“I don’t know, Jay. You fell so hard for him and so fast, that I find myself wondering if his feelings aren’t ephemeral, you know, just a fleeting passion.”
Jared shook his head; he knew his feeling for Jensen weren’t a phase. Deep is his heart, he was certain Jensen was the one.
“He’s the man, Sandy. I can feel it.”
The way Sandy looked at him, with helpless concern, made Jared want to hide under the covers of his bed. She was worried about him. He didn’t like it. It felt as if he was doing something wrong.
And he knew his feeling for Jensen weren’t wrong.
I love him.
“I know Jensen likes me, Sandy,” Jared said in his defense, because he needed to make her understand.
Sandy smiled sadly.
“But does he love you as much as you love him?” she asked gently.
Jared sighed. He hated when Sandy turned a question back at him.
“Is Chad worried about me as well?” he asked instead, trying to change the subject. Sandy was making him think about a possibility he couldn’t conceive.
Sandy sighed resigned. She didn’t make an effort to hide what she thought about Jared’s tactics.
“Chad asked me to go talk to you.”
And that was new. Chad was so bad with identifying feelings that, when he did notice that something was wrong, it was because the problem was already at a catastrophic size.
“Ok. You won. I’ll go talk to Jensen.”
Sandy’s smile grew.
“We just want what’s best for you, Jay.”
Jared knew that. If it were any other two people, he would dismiss the concern. But it was Chad and Sandy, his two best friends, who knew everything about him, who were closer than his family. These were the two people that had sheltered him when his parents died, and his siblings went AWOL.
Kissing Sandy’s cheeks, Jared got up from the bench they were seated.
“Don’t worry, Sandy. I can take care of myself.”
Jared knocked twice at Jensen’s door before Chris opened it.
“Hi, Kane, is Jen-”
Kane punched him on his left cheek. Jared took three steps back and fell.
“You’ve got courage, showing up here after last night!” Chris growled at him, his eyes as dark as the ocean on a stormy day.
Jared got up. He couldn’t remember a time someone punched him without reason. He didn’t believe in gratuitous violence but he had always been quick in his reactions and he had no problem in defending himself.
“The hell? What’s wrong with you, man?”
Chris’ laugh was as ugly as a death threat and no less menacing.
“You should have stayed at your little house until we came for you! But no, you had to show your miserable face here instead of enjoying your last days on the surface.”
Come for him? Last days on the surface? Jared started to wonder if Jensen’s friend wasn’t indeed crazy. Jared advanced on Kane, using all him height to intimidate him.
“I have no idea of what you are talking about! I just want to talk to Jensen!”
Kane wasn’t intimidated. In fact, Jared’s actions had seemed to irritate him more. He closed the distance between him and Jared without any fear in his eyes.
“Jen’s gone, Jared. You won’t find him anymore.”
Jared felt the world take a fast spin.
“I’m sorry?”
“Jensen. Went. Home,” Chris said spelling the syllables and making no effort to disguise his disgust.
Jared’s eyes started to water. No, that couldn’t be true. Last night he had seen Jensen at the beach. He was there, as solid as ever. Even if a bit shaken.
“You’re lying.”
Chris laughed again. Jared recoiled from the sound. It was too heavy to hear.
“Oh, I’m not, son. If there is a liar here, this person is you.”
Jared shoved Kane back.
“Will you cut it out! I’m not a liar! I don’t even know what I’m being accused of!”
Jared felt Kane’s eyes analyzing him. Not for the first time, he wondered what Kane was thinking. Those dark blue eyes were as impassive as an immovable object.
Finally, Kane sighed.
“You really have no idea what I’m talking about,” he said. Jared got the impression that it wasn’t a question. To him, it had seemed more as a resigned statement.
“I already told you that, Kane.”
The laugh Kane let out didn’t have the dark edge from before. In fact, it was a despairing sound. Jared saw Kane running his hands through his face.
“I can’t fucking believe it! All this mystery and you were an unsuspecting child left innocently on this island!”
Kane turned around and went back to the house. It took a few moments for Jared to decide he should follow him. Inside, the house was just like the first time he visited. But now, there was no Jensen, only Kane seated on the sofa. Jared felt his heart tighten.
“Just tell me where Jen is, Kane. I swear I won’t hurt him. Jesus, I love him, for God’s sake!”
This couldn’t be happening. Not now, when he would prove to Chad and Sandy that they were wrong, that he and Jensen had a future together.
Kane’s eyes met Jared. Startling, him, Kane offered an unsure smile.
“I know you won’t hurt him. And I know you love him,” Kane added as soon as Jared opened his mouth. “But he couldn’t stay, Jay.”
Jared sat beside Kane. The whole conversation was making his brain do some serious acrobatics to understand what was happening.
“Why not? I thought we- he seemed so happy when we were together…”
Kane chuckled.
“Oh, yeah, he liked you, all right. That boy fell so hard that even I couldn’t see it coming. And usually, I know what Jensen will think before he does. But your relationship was also destroying him.” To his credit, Kane did offer a sympathetic glance at Jared’s direction.
Jared shook his head in denial. And the tears finally fell.
“I refuse to believe I was hurting him. How could I be doing that?”
And Kane’s eyes went rigid again. He got up, staring hard at Jared.
“You don’t need to believe in me, Jared. I tell you what I know. You do whatever you like with the information.”
Because of his height, it had been too long since Jared hadn’t felt like a small child receiving a sermon from an adult. But at that moment, it felt just like it. With his heart breaking and Kane’s hate directed at him, Jared couldn’t do anything but cry.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Kane. I have no idea what to do. I can’t understand what I did wrong. I- Jensen is amazing, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Now you tell me that he- that I…”
Kane’s hand ran through Jared’s hair dispelling Jared’s despair.
“Go back o your house, Jared. There’s nothing you can do here.”
Jared shook his head vehemently.
“I won’t leave. I want to talk to Jen. I came here to know if it’s all right with him. I met him yesterday at the beach, Kane, he wasn’t okay, I don’t know what happened, but he was shaking, he wouldn’t tell me…,” Jared was babbling again. He seemed to do that a lot after Jensen entered his life.
Kane nodded.
“I know he was in a bad shape. But you won’t help anyone if you don’t pull yourself together.”
And that caught Jared’s attention. With his heart filling with hope, he dared a glance at Kane.
“Help?” he asked cautiously.
Jared saw Kane’s eyes shifting.
“Yes, Jay. Help. But only if you don’t break down,” Kane said with a sigh.
Jared felt his heart swell. He took two deep breaths. Kane wanted him not to brake, well, he could do it. He had done it once; he could do it one more time.
He laughed.
“Ok. I can do it.”
Kane nodded.
“Great. Now go back to your house. I’ll come after you as soon as I find Jen.”
Jared eyed Kane. Something wasn’t right.
“Why would you do that?”
Kane opened his mouth and closed it again. Shaking his head in desolation, he answered:
“Because I want to see my friend happy.”
According to every assumption Jared had made about the other man since he had met him, Jared wasn’t expecting an honest response. But he believed in Kane. Jared believed Kane wanted to help him.
Jared knew he should be grateful that Kane wasn’t such the asshole he first thought him to be. But Jensen still wasn’t there and the hole in his heart was making its presence known every minute. Jared took a deep breath.
Trying to control himself, he dug for some topic that would distract him. Luckily, he didn’t have to think very hard. Offering a shy smile to Kane, Jared said:
“You know, you called me Jay twice today,” and Kane blushed. Jared was so surprised that for a moment he didn’t know what had happened. Then, he laughed. “Hey, that’s cool, man. I don’t mind. All my friends call me that.”
“I’m not your friend.”
Jared raised his arms in a mocking defense gesture.
“That’s fine by me. I don’t like you all that much either.”
Kane laughed. For the first time, Jared noticed relief in it. He felt himself relaxing along with Kane.
“Go back to your house, Jay. I’ll call you as soon as I can.”
But Jared didn’t head home. He didn’t want to spend the rest of the afternoon alone looking at the walls. He wanted to be by Jensen’s side. Jared wondered if Jensen thought of him when he decided to leave. And once again his eyes watered, the tears running down his cheeks.
I wished he had talked to me.
Jared walked aimlessly through the beach. For as long as he could remember, the sea and the sand were his safe haven. The sound of the waves crashing didn’t bother him; it calmed his heart and put his mind at ease. But it couldn’t erase the memory of last night. Jared’s heart threatened to stop when he realized that Jensen’s glassy eyes staring back at him with nothing but desolation would be his last memory of him.
I need a beer.
Jared sat in the border line between the ocean and the sand, letting the small waves hit his feet. If Jensen was there, he would tell him about his special relation with the ocean. It was childish, but whenever he was sad, the waves seemed to try to reach him, appeasing his wide heart. Twice he had heard a female voice singing softly to him.
He smiled sadly. Jensen would have laughed himself sick with the story. God, he missed him. It hadn’t even been a day that Jensen was gone and Jared was already suffering from abstinence.
I want you here.
Unconsciously, Jared wrote Jensen’s on the sand. He was still surprise that he had fallen so hard for the beautiful man. Depreciably, he imagined what Sandy would say when he told her that Jensen had left. He figured there would be lots and lots of threats that Sandy would fully intend to fulfill when she found Jensen. Chad, of course, would follow her. Jensen wouldn’t know what hit him.
Jared spent the rest of the day at the beach, letting the sea and the sand tranquillize his spirit.
The afternoon became a day and the day became a week. Every free moment Jared had, he would use to go to the beach and stare at the horizon. It didn’t take long for Sandy and Chad to start looking for him at the before anywhere else.
Jared learned to count his days by the number of times he would think about Jensen.
His friends, as expected, wanted to kill Jensen. Sandy went further. She wanted to track Jensen’s moves, find him and leave Chad’s and his imaginative ways to hurt him. Chad was all too happy to comply with her ideas.
Even Coach Morgan asked him what was wrong. His last few training sessions had been less than stellar. In fact, Jared had missed all the blocks and less than a half of his serves reach the other side of the net. Coach Morgan pointedly informed him that if the training were games in a competition, Jared would have been declassified at the first one.
Even Mike from the kiosk dragged Tom from his office and made a surprise visit to Jared under the pretext that he had ran out of strawberries and couldn’t leave a client without his favorite juice. In the middle of the visit, Mike let it slip that he was so worried about him that he started to think Jared had been using drugs. And, if Jared had been using drugs, why the hell hadn’t he shared it with his friends. Tom was so embarrassed by his friend’s behavior that at the first opportunity offered him a round of free juices.
Not even his dogs could lift his mood. Whenever Jared was home, Harley and Sadie became quiet, his deep soulful eyes watching Jared, waiting for him to tell them that all was right with their world again. Jared wanted to curl around them and sleep for an eternity.
When Jared wasn’t seated in his usual place, he would be at Chris’ house. Jared remembered when ‘Kane’ had become ‘Chris’. It was two days after Jared had learned Jensen was gone, when the sadness had reached a limit. Jared couldn’t go to anybody else besides Kane. Nobody knew Jensen as he did. And when Chris had looked at Jared’s puffy eyes and defeated shoulders, he had engulfed him in a bear hug and told him to let it go. Before Jared had realized, he had been calling Kane by his first name.
The TV news had been announcing a great storm for Saturday. And sure enough, the day dawned full of clouds in the sky. It fitted Jared’s moods like a glove. He had no intention of starting a beautiful day. To him, the days had been nothing but cloudy and sad. Only in the sixth day after Jensen was gone Jared realized he had been waiting for his return.
His despair reached a new level when he accepted that Jensen wasn’t coming back.
So, at midday, Jared found himself staring at the sea wondering how he could have let himself care so much for a person that clearly didn’t want him close.
He entertained the thought of invading Chris’ house and telling him that his best friend was a sadist son of a bitch. He and Chris’ had formed some sort of friendship over the last few days. Jared relied on him whenever he was missing Jensen too badly. In return, Chris relied on Jared to learn everything he could about the island’s customs. And once, when Jared had Chad introduce him to the joys of the whisky, Chris had asked Jared what he thought about being left behind, if the pain was too much to bear.
Jared didn’t answer him and, on the next day, Chris had apologized for his behavior.
He was so lost in his thought that it took him a few minutes to notice a dark shadow in the ocean swimming in his direction. Frowning, Jared got up and moved closer to the sea, trying to identify what it was. Suddenly, the shadow emerged and, to his surprise, Jared found himself face to face with the enormous sword fish from weeks before.
Jared stopped with the water around his middle. The fish tilted his head as if analyzing Jared; his deep blue eyes didn’t show a thread of fear. Once again Jared wondered if it was a normal behavior for sword fishes or if it was just the particular one that wasn’t afraid of humans.
“Hey,” he said, slowly extending his hand to caress its nose. The sword fish’s eyes followed the movement with interest. Jared offered it a reassuring smile. “Are you lost or something?”
He stared in shock when the sword fish shook its head in a denial so clear that it couldn’t be mistaken.
“Oh, God, I’m talking to a fish,” Jared said to no one in particular. “And the fish is answering me.”
That was when the sword fish grabbed Jared sleeve and started pulling him towards the rocks at the far end of the beach. The movement had been so quickly that Jared couldn’t even react. When he finally managed to free himself, he was already much further into the ocean.
But the fish didn’t give up; it swam behind Jared and continued to push him towards the rocks at the far end of the beach. Jared tried to get away from it.
“Will you stop?? I might hurt myself!” But the fish didn’t listen to him. Jared wondered if hitting the monstrous rocks would be as painful at it seemed.
Suddenly, he heard Chris’ voice from the other side. He stopped. He had forgotten Jensen and Chris’ private beach were behind them.
“And what did you expected me to do, Carlson?” Jared heard Chris saying.
“Well, sending him in the state that he was wouldn’t be my first option, Kane!” another voice - a very angry voice - answered back.
“If you were so concerned about him, you should have come here, instead of staying at the city!”
Jared frowned. He looked at the sword fish in question. It couldn’t have led him there purposefully.
“Did you know that Chris was here?” he whispered to the fish. And promptly labeled himself as a lost cause when he saw the sword fish rolling his eyes. “Of course you knew. What a silly question.” And the fish agreed.
Jared wondered when he had become completely crazy.
“I couldn’t come and you know it, Kane! Don’t blame me for you incompetence!” the voices continued to argue.
“You son of a bitch. Me and Jen worked our asses off up here while you stayed at the city doing nothing!”
Jared frowned. Jen?
Jared climbed the rocks that separated him from Chris and the other voice. From where he was, he could clearly see Chris pacing back and forth on the sand, his hands gesturing brusquely. In the water, impavid, a man watched him with crossed arms.
“You are right. Maybe I should have come in your place. You couldn’t do anything,” and even Jared flinched with the disgusted tone the man used.
Chris advanced to the water, his eyes flashing with uncontained anger. “I should rip you apart, Carlson!”
Jared heard a sarcastic laugher.
“Oh, how I wished you tried, Kane!”
Chris stopped at a few feet from the water, his hands opening and closing.
“You don’t know anything. Jen fell in love! I couldn’t stop him”
“You should have! You should have done everything you could to stop it from happening!”
Jared had to control himself. Should have stopped Jensen? Should have done everything he could? Who that guy thought he was for talking about Jensen like that? He turned to the sword fish.
“I hope he is not a friend of yours, because if Chris doesn’t beat the shit out of him, I will.”
The sword fish shook his head, his eyes downcast.
“I’m sorry! I seemed to recall someone telling me I didn’t know anything about love! Then how would I be able to help?”
Jared saw the man in the water swimming closer to Chris and prepared to defend his knew friend.
“It’s been a year, Kane. Even you could have learned something.”
Jared saw a great wave being formed right behind the man. Without any regret he wished it would crash over him. But the man simply swam to the other side, not taking his stare from Chris’ eyes.
“What I learned is that you can’t be trusted.”
Jared saw the other man stop.
“How did you reach this conclusion, Kane? Shit, not everything is about you!”
Chris grabbed the man’s left arm and pulled him over closer to him, his bare chest appearing over the water.
“You left me Carlson,” Chris barked in the man’s face “I told you to wait and you left.”
The man tried to get away from Chris grip.
“You told me to leave! Don’t you remember? You told me to leave you alone, because you couldn’t stand my presence!”
Jared saw Chris’ eyes widen in pain then closing. Chris took a deep breath.
“I’d never-”
The man punched Chris.
“The day after you told me not to leave, you begged me to disappear from your life!”
Chris kissed the man so fiercely that even Jared felt the urgent desire behind it.
Then, the man punched Chris again, his tail making an appearance in the surface and splashing back down in frustration.
“You are a sadist, Kane,” the man growled running his hands over his mouth.
Tail?
Chris seemed as surprised as the man in the water.
“I’m sorry, Steve, I-”
“Don’t call me that! You have no right to do this to me!”
Was it a tail that appeared over the water?
Chris got into the water Jared saw his legs merging into one, his arms were reached towards the other man, his tail merging and submerging back again.
The other man eyes flashed.
“Don’t get any closer! I’m warning, you, Kane, don’t you dare!”
But Chris was resolute, and he was quickly gaining territory.
“Steve, let me explain. What I said- I didn’t mean it like that- I- You- I never wanted to hurt you! Please, you gotta belie-” Chris touched the other man’s arm.
Suddenly, a great white whale emerged between the two men. The whale stared threateningly at Chris. Behind it, the man had his forehead on the whale’s side, his breathing was erratic.
Oh, God. A whale.
“Steve, please, call Treya back. I’m not going to hurt you…”
The wale pulled Chris further away. The man shook his head in desolation.
“Leave me alone, Kane.”
“Steve, I-”
Blue’s tail pushed Jared over the other side of the rocks. Before Jared could do anything, he found himself between the whale, Chris and the man.
Jared saw Chris’ eyes widening and saw the whale looking back at the man in an unsure question and saw the man shaking his head in disbelief.
Then, Jared saw Chris eyes fix on a point behind him.
“Dammit, Blue!”