I am everything you want, I am everything you need..but I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.
i dont know what it was but a talk with mandi last week has had me thinking..and thinking..and all i can do is think about the end of the school year/summer...a lot happened...a lot..but i learned so much about myself and had such an awesome time with a certain group of people that it helped me get through one of the worst things ive ever had to get through..first of all... the mike situation hurt me.. if the whole world couldnt see that..it was obvious.. we did our share of fucked up stuff to each other but it totally drained me.. i started working at dairy queen and got a whole new group of friends.. our little pack of johnny, mel, bartos, matt, bill, paul, andy, mikey d, and sometimes kari and neal, got together every night after work.. had some of the best times of my life..i really miss them... that group of guys were like my brothers and no nothing ever happened between us like most people think, it was just cool to have a group of people that you always could count on..you always knew where you were going and what was going on...there were never any questions about it..in the meantime my best friend nick came down from florida... heh.. he was going to come for prom but didnt want to stay that long till graduation so he just came for graduation.. ill never forget the first night he was here when we went to beaver island..it was like nothing was different between us.. time hadnt passed...we were still michelle and nick.. and then things got weird..i did things i shouldnt have..i blew him off for mike when i really should have balanced everything but i didnt..the day of graduation we all went to a hotel party... me and nick both got smashed so mike drove me home and nick stayed there... i found out later that he almost had sex with my gay guy friend and that he seemed to be pretty experienced in that department..i didnt say anything to him because it wasnt my business if he didnt want to tell me..i was offended because i was his best friend but hey what can you do..everything was fine again until the night before he left... we were laying next to each other like usual going to sleep..(it is just how we have always slept..wherever....whenever..nothing ever sexual it was like an understood thing i guess)...but this time things were different. he started like tickling my arm and stuff and then would roll over so i did it back.. i didnt know what was going on.. all of a sudden we kissed..we stopped like 15min later because my parents were moving around upstairs and we both fell asleep, never to mention that again...so here i am the straight one...i think... who just got mauled by my gay best friend?? i think i was confused for a long time..i still am because now he doesnt talk to me?..its like all i am to him is someone to talk to when he visits...anyways then i started talking to mike again as friends at first and we went a lot of places..i think we did everything possible on clifton hill.. and we were starting to get close again.. little did i know what i was supposed to figure out... in the meantime me and mandi were going to thursday at the square everyweek.. this one thursday was different... we were leaving and trying to avoid my stalker joe who actually was waiting for me at my car on the curb when we got back there..but thats another story... and i suddenly saw the hottest man i have ever seen in my life.. i turned around like a complete 360..several times and i was like mandi! we cant leave yet! so i pulled her over and we went and sat on this little bench under a tree...and he was the next bench over.. all by his lonesome.. up walks this guy who tries to give me and mandi his fruit..scaring the hell out of us..so i look at this guy who has been looking back at me and i sort of give the motion to come help us.. which he responds to! and he comes over and sits next to me...the scary man walks away and then the hot man speaks... hi..ohmygod hes british.. come to find out he is a 25yr old med student studying over here for the summer...his name was tahlal.. holy jesus hot/smart/hot...that was all i could think about.. well he seemed interested so i told him to call me if he didnt have anything to do sometime..and me and mandi leave after some more conversation... the whole way home mandi is telling me that i have to have sex with him and become pregnant so i can have british babies and because it is the right thing to do lol... the more i think about it..the more i think of how hot it would be to have sex with a british man who is leaving in a week who -according to mandi- will give me the hottest sex ever-since according to mandi as well.. the british are the ones who know how to make the love-...anyways...he ends up calling me during one of my softball games... he calls me 2 days in a row..i blow him off and hang out with mike... which to this day mandi wont forgive me for... and that was that... now me and mike are talking(this is the end of summer)...and i meet joey... i didnt know what was going on between me and mike because i was under the impression he wanted to be single so me and joey go on a date..mike gets pissed because i should have known what we were and stops talking to me... here i am today though at a huge crossroads in my life.....what i am really trying to say through all of this is that i know i am with joey..although things are not good..havent been...blah blah blah.. i wouldnt cheat on him. but lately all i can do is think about a certain someone.. i dont know why but i cant... and i want to just give my wholeself to this person with a snap of a finger but i know from the past.. he is the one who took away all my happiness and i am hesitant to give away anything of myself to anyone.. i dont know if he is here in good intentions or what is going on.. but i want to hang out.. i want to know how he feels, how he has felt.. i want the truth about everything because if im going to trust my heart again to someone even for a brief moment.. i want to know that they wont let me crash down like before.. i know this probably made no sense to anyone but yeah for me. it did.