Rough Week
This post is going to be a hard one, but I think it will help me to write it. Recently I learned that a coworker I didn't know very well committed suicide. From others, I learned that most of the time she seemed very happy and content.
It was a reminder of how someone can appear on the outside to others when inside they might be a mess. They could be quietly hurting, and you wouldn't even know. Our society calls it strength sometimes when you can keep it all in, bottle it up, and go on with your life. The truth is, if you don't deal with it, it can eat you alive.
I've been walking a bit of a tightrope lately. Some days I go about my life, go through the motions, and get through. There are some days when I have happy moments and I am thankful for them, and I try to hold them close. The reality is, though, there are nights like tonight when I am sitting here listening to music and crying my eyes out. There are moments when I am sitting at work and all of a sudden I feel myself choke up when a thought comes into my head.
My brain knows it isn't good for me. It tells me, "If someone doesn't want you, why would you keep on wanting them? Why would you give them the time of day? Why would you miss them?" It doesn't make any sense really. I'm just not ready to get over it yet. Part of me wants to reach out, but I know it'll only end up with more hurt. Sometimes my hurt turns to anger. Then other times I just feel loss. I kept hoping with time maybe it would get better. So far I have been proven wrong. There's also some secret part of me that wishes I would hear a knock at the door and open it but that's just a dream-a silly dream.
Don't mistake me-I know I have so much to be grateful for in my life. I am grateful beyond words. The people who love me-I thank God for them every day. I thank God for the opportunities He has given me. I know He will sustain me and that keeps me going most of the time. I am trying to cast all of my cares upon Him, but I am human and sometimes I fail. I'm still getting up and trying.
Please check in with your friends regularly. Someday they may need to call you or hug you. It's hard sometimes, being honest and reaching out. People are afraid they will be judged for how they feel. They may feel like a burden. I know most of the time I get angry at myself wishing I could just suck it up. It's not always that easy. I feel stupid, shaking my head at myself. I wish I wasn't such an idiot romantic. I wish I didn't need people and affection and caring.
For those that may worry-I would never take that next step for many reasons. I will continue to struggle through this life, hoping maybe the day will come when I can be happy and see my dreams become real. I will try to make myself proud. I want the people out there that might be struggling to know, though, you are not alone. You are important. Don't give up. Keep trying to find your happy.