unbearable
Tomorrow is the memorial and everyone keeps asking me if I am going to be able to do my speech tomorrow. That's not even a question. I AM doing the speech. She was my Mother and since no one eles that was really close to her (i.e brother, mother, father, husband) can stop crying to do it I know that just gives me another boost to go up there and tell people how much she impacted my life.
I also just want to say to EVERYONE out there....You don't realize how fast something like this can happen. How in an instance your life as you know it can fall to pieces and everything you knew be taken away from you. Everyone out there be thankful to have your mother, father grandparents...whoever is most important to you. Remember to each day tell them how much you love them because for all you know you could wake up tomorrow and they may not be there. I mean I always knew something like this could happen but I didn't expect it, at all.I'm happy I was able to have Mothers Day because I told her how special she was to me but it wasn't enough. I would have sat down on a gurney and told the surgeons to take my heart and put it in my Mom if I could. I'd rather live with my Mom or not at all. Don't take this as suicidal or anything because I would never do that to my family. That would just be selfish. I just don't know how people can go through things like this. My grandparents had three kids and now there is only one left.
They say that God does everything for a reason, but I'm not seeing the reasoning in this. I mean it took the death of my MOTHER for my Dad to start talking to me again. Since the past three years hes been nothing like a father to me...more of just a person who was sometimes at family parties and stuff.
I have so many questions about heaven and everything. I'm not saying I don't believe because I do it's just so hard to grasp something that can't be proven to you.
This whole thing made me see who truly cared. I've had phone calls 24/7 since it happened but the people who I thought were my best friends and stuff...only called once and not ever again which surprises me. Since she knew my Mother since third grade.
I know I'm going through my angry part of the "grieving process" but I'm just not happy anymore. Nothing makes me happy anymore. anything I do reminds me of my Mom. I wake up each day thinking damn i have 24 pointless hours to sit here and dwell on the fact that my wonderful beautiful mother wont be there to walk me down the aisle, move me into my dorm room, meet my grandchildren. Next week Ill go back to work which will help probley but then again my Moms chart will be there.
My mom was the most caring person in the world. I remember ranting and raving because the people at work ate all my food and I had bene looking forward to eating my hummus and my Mom went to the store and bought all these goodies and stuff...drove a HALF hour from our house dropped it off for me and then drove another HALF hour back home.
she was my life. my soul my everything and i just can't bare to not have her in my life anymore. It kills me seeing my family all torn up too.
I just have one question....
WHY!?