this is so crazy
it seriously has been like ten million years since i updated last! so much has happened since then its not even funny! i probably won't be on this thing all the time- i do have a life, a very busy one at that and i just dont have the time. but sometimes i just gotta get some stuff out there.
God has been doing some absolutely AMAZING things my life recently! parker and i broke up about three or so months ago and i must say its been hard. i'm not going to lie and pretend likes its been easy because honestly, its been one of the hardest things i've ever had to deal with. but i'm coping! and things are getting better DAILY. since we broke up i have grown so much in Christ. He has taught me that i don't need parker and that my life is actually better without him! its crazy...God is so cool. He has shown me so much in my quiet time and just listening to Him daily is amazing. i wouldn't say that i'm to the point yet that i am completely over parker- i still think about him daily and i think that i will always think about him. we dated for over a year and a half and thats to be expected. i miss him like crazy. i miss the things we used to do together, how we never really had to LOOK for things to do because we already had each other! if i would have known that our relationship was going to end as horribly as it did, i would do it again...and again and again and again! our relationship, to me, was one of the most amazing things i have ever had the honor of experiencing and i would not go back and change one thing. i might go back and change the times that we hurt each other. but relationships aren't always flowery and wonderful; theres pain and heartache. its something you learn as you grow up. i guess i kind of figured that parker was so perfect and that our relationship was so perfect that nothing could bring us down. i was wrong. our problem all along was that we were NOT centered around Christ. any relationship that is built on anything other than God Himself is bound to fail. its something i've learned over years of failed relationships, long or short.
now that i start typing on here, i kind of miss it! crazy, i know. livejournal really is gay and i'm probably gay for getting back on it but its really just for me, no one else. sometimes i just need to vent or get away and this is perfect. i have an actual journal that i use for my quiet time but i can type alot faster than i can write and that allows me to get my thoughts down faster.
-so now that i've admitted that i'm totally gay for returning to livejournal, i'll continue on with my life story.
after breaking up, it took a while for me to see where i had gone wrong in this relationship. i am very selfish. i pretty much think that i'm always right and if i'm not then no matter what, YOU'RE wrong. needless to say, thats not exactly a winning attitude for a successful relationship. we tried so hard to make things work. it just got old. the fighting got old, the crying got old. pretty soon we would fight and not even be upset about it because it just became so habitual. i'm sure everyone has had a relationship like that. we loved each other, but it just got old.
it hurt to almost every night cry myself to sleep. and now, looking back i see how many things i did wrong. i can't help but think if i wouldn't have done those things, if i wouldn't have said that, then maybe we'd still be together. but thank God we're not! because i wouldnt be where i am today if we were still dating. thank God!
despite the many many nights of tears and MANY late night phone calls to friends, i have finally made it through and i am on my way out the other side! God has been gracious. however there are still days that i wonder what God's purpose is for this. obviously we were centered around Him, but why couldn't He have just brought us back to Him TOGETHER? maybe i'll never know. but i do know that i have spent the majority of the time we've been broken up CRYING. i'm an emotional person. maybe thats the reason why i'm back on livejournal again ; ) but i just miss him so much.
theres a part of me that is missing now. parker was my best friend, boyfriend, comforter, entertainer (!!), advice giver, and a bunch of other things for a year and a half. i miss those things. i miss the times when we'd be so bored, sitting on my couch watching tv. i regret taking advantage of those boring things we used to do. we got tired of each other. we got way too familiar with each other too quickly and it ruined us for the remainder of the relationship.
i don't want to be with him anymore. i stopped wanting to be with him weeks ago but theres just something in the back of my mind that won't let me let go of him. i'm still in love with him. every ounce of my being loves parker in a way that i can't even describe. i would like to be able to say that if parker came back to me and wanted to try again, that i would have the strength and the courage to say no. i would like to say that i would be able to look him in the eyes and even though he means more to me than anything, tell him that its not right. God is getting me to that point. some things have happened with parker and i recently that i wont go into detail about because they're not important. but i will say that they are crucial things that have caused me to rethink my longing for parker. he has changed. i hadn't realized it, but he has. i see that now. i am so thankful to God that He ended the relationship before it could go any further. anyone who knows me knows that i would have done ANYTHING for park. thank God it ended before things got worse.
i wish i could say that i've been strong through this time of us breaking up. i haven't. nothing really about me has been strong. GOD has been strong. without Him, i'd be completely lost. without Him, i'd be in a constant state of depression and lonliness. but He has given me hope! if i think that parker was so wonderful and so great, just think of how AWESOME the man that God has designed specifically for me is!!! its definately something i look forward to daily. who knows, it might be parker. but honestly, i think parker has chosen a different path than the one i am going.
so thats the past couple of months! its been a journey-God knows i couldn't have done it without my completely AMAZING friends. they mean the world to me and without them i dont know where i'd be! they've listened to me cry about parker for an uncountable amount of hours! they have been amazing and i thank God for their part in my life.
one of the things i think that was keeping me from moving on, my friend jonathan helped me see: i was so concerned with all the things that i had done wrong. i was convinced that us breaking up was my fault. but it wasnt! it was both of our faults because we didnt surrender our relationship to Him from the very beginning. we made crucial mistakes that would greatly affect us later on down the road. jonathan helped me realize that i hadn't forgive myself for the things i had done to parker. the many times i made him feel completely stupid because of just something he said. all the tons of thousands of times we fought for hours on end because of something small that i blew out of proportion. i had asked God for forgiveness but I hadn't forgiven myself. now, if the God of all creation can forgive me of my horrid sins, shouldn't i be able to forgive myself? and so i did and its not something i worry about anymore! i've given that completely to the Lord.
something i'm having a hard time with though is giving parker to the Lord. i had so much control over him for so long that now its killing me! i was so used to telling him not to do something and him just not doing it. i controlled him in more ways than one and it was so wrong. but now, when i need to let go, its absolutely killing me. i dont want anything to happen to him. i'm so so very worried about parker, that he'll make a bad decision or that he'll get hurt. i try to find out everything i can about him and see if somehow in my little mind, i can make it better. i still haven't realized yet that i CAN'T! only God can make things better for park. not me. i dont control his life anymore, which is a good thing! i pray to God every night that He'll help parker. parker's grandfather is so precious to him and he as huntington's disease. he is pretty much just hanging in there. i feel horrible for parker. and parkers family. his grandparents and aunt and uncle and everyone was just so nice to me when we were dating! i feel horrible for them. parker's grandfather taught him everything about guitar and was like a father to him. i just pray that God will give parker peace about his grandfather.
i pray about parker daily. but during the day, instead of letting God have my worries and my concerns, i try to fix everything. i call around, i do whatever i possibly can to fix what is going on in parker's life. some he has found out about and knows about, some he doesn't. i dont know why i can't just let God handle it. He would do a much better job than i'm doing over here! He can make parker brand new!! i pray so dilligently for that day!
i've been a-ramblin' but i am finally through : ) stay tuned for the next time i need a place to vent! God is so awesome. he just shows me different things every day and he is so good to me!
-rachel
"Your love is extravagant
Your friendship it is intimate
i feel i'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant
spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
no greater love have i ever known that You'd consider me Your friend
capture my heart again"
-casting crowns
"i paid my vows right here and now
no matter what comes my way
i paid my vows right here and now
no matter what comes my way
i do love You, i do love You, i do love You
You know that i love You Jesus
i do love You, i do love You, i do love You
for every season, there's a reason
and a purpose under heaven, this i know
this i know
a time to laugh and a time to cry
a time time to live and a time to die
a time to speak and a time for silence
a time to gain and a time to lose
a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time for peace and a time for war
for every season of the soul
for every season of Your love
through every season in this life i want You to know"
-misty edwards
"i don't understand Your ways, oh but i will give You my song
I'll give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain, and with You are pulling me closer
pulling me into Your ways
and around every corner and up every mountain
i'm not looking for crowns or the water from fountains
i'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of Your face is all that i need and i will say to You
its gonna be worth it, its gonna be worth it, its gonna be worth it all
i believe this"
-rita springer
"if You could You love me as a wife and for Your wedding get Your life
would that be all i'll ever need or is there more i'm looking for
should i read between the lines or look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich and wise,
is that really what You want?
i am whore i do confess
i put You on just like a wedding dress and i
run down the aisle, run down the aisle
i'm a prodical with no way home
i put You on just like a ring of gold and i
run down the aisle, i run down the aisle to You
could You love this bastard child,
though i don't trust you to provide?
with one hand in a pot of gold and with the other in Your side
cause i am so easily satisfied
by the call of the lover so less wild
and i would take a little cash over Your very flesh and blood"
-derek webb
God has been doing some absolutely AMAZING things my life recently! parker and i broke up about three or so months ago and i must say its been hard. i'm not going to lie and pretend likes its been easy because honestly, its been one of the hardest things i've ever had to deal with. but i'm coping! and things are getting better DAILY. since we broke up i have grown so much in Christ. He has taught me that i don't need parker and that my life is actually better without him! its crazy...God is so cool. He has shown me so much in my quiet time and just listening to Him daily is amazing. i wouldn't say that i'm to the point yet that i am completely over parker- i still think about him daily and i think that i will always think about him. we dated for over a year and a half and thats to be expected. i miss him like crazy. i miss the things we used to do together, how we never really had to LOOK for things to do because we already had each other! if i would have known that our relationship was going to end as horribly as it did, i would do it again...and again and again and again! our relationship, to me, was one of the most amazing things i have ever had the honor of experiencing and i would not go back and change one thing. i might go back and change the times that we hurt each other. but relationships aren't always flowery and wonderful; theres pain and heartache. its something you learn as you grow up. i guess i kind of figured that parker was so perfect and that our relationship was so perfect that nothing could bring us down. i was wrong. our problem all along was that we were NOT centered around Christ. any relationship that is built on anything other than God Himself is bound to fail. its something i've learned over years of failed relationships, long or short.
now that i start typing on here, i kind of miss it! crazy, i know. livejournal really is gay and i'm probably gay for getting back on it but its really just for me, no one else. sometimes i just need to vent or get away and this is perfect. i have an actual journal that i use for my quiet time but i can type alot faster than i can write and that allows me to get my thoughts down faster.
-so now that i've admitted that i'm totally gay for returning to livejournal, i'll continue on with my life story.
after breaking up, it took a while for me to see where i had gone wrong in this relationship. i am very selfish. i pretty much think that i'm always right and if i'm not then no matter what, YOU'RE wrong. needless to say, thats not exactly a winning attitude for a successful relationship. we tried so hard to make things work. it just got old. the fighting got old, the crying got old. pretty soon we would fight and not even be upset about it because it just became so habitual. i'm sure everyone has had a relationship like that. we loved each other, but it just got old.
it hurt to almost every night cry myself to sleep. and now, looking back i see how many things i did wrong. i can't help but think if i wouldn't have done those things, if i wouldn't have said that, then maybe we'd still be together. but thank God we're not! because i wouldnt be where i am today if we were still dating. thank God!
despite the many many nights of tears and MANY late night phone calls to friends, i have finally made it through and i am on my way out the other side! God has been gracious. however there are still days that i wonder what God's purpose is for this. obviously we were centered around Him, but why couldn't He have just brought us back to Him TOGETHER? maybe i'll never know. but i do know that i have spent the majority of the time we've been broken up CRYING. i'm an emotional person. maybe thats the reason why i'm back on livejournal again ; ) but i just miss him so much.
theres a part of me that is missing now. parker was my best friend, boyfriend, comforter, entertainer (!!), advice giver, and a bunch of other things for a year and a half. i miss those things. i miss the times when we'd be so bored, sitting on my couch watching tv. i regret taking advantage of those boring things we used to do. we got tired of each other. we got way too familiar with each other too quickly and it ruined us for the remainder of the relationship.
i don't want to be with him anymore. i stopped wanting to be with him weeks ago but theres just something in the back of my mind that won't let me let go of him. i'm still in love with him. every ounce of my being loves parker in a way that i can't even describe. i would like to be able to say that if parker came back to me and wanted to try again, that i would have the strength and the courage to say no. i would like to say that i would be able to look him in the eyes and even though he means more to me than anything, tell him that its not right. God is getting me to that point. some things have happened with parker and i recently that i wont go into detail about because they're not important. but i will say that they are crucial things that have caused me to rethink my longing for parker. he has changed. i hadn't realized it, but he has. i see that now. i am so thankful to God that He ended the relationship before it could go any further. anyone who knows me knows that i would have done ANYTHING for park. thank God it ended before things got worse.
i wish i could say that i've been strong through this time of us breaking up. i haven't. nothing really about me has been strong. GOD has been strong. without Him, i'd be completely lost. without Him, i'd be in a constant state of depression and lonliness. but He has given me hope! if i think that parker was so wonderful and so great, just think of how AWESOME the man that God has designed specifically for me is!!! its definately something i look forward to daily. who knows, it might be parker. but honestly, i think parker has chosen a different path than the one i am going.
so thats the past couple of months! its been a journey-God knows i couldn't have done it without my completely AMAZING friends. they mean the world to me and without them i dont know where i'd be! they've listened to me cry about parker for an uncountable amount of hours! they have been amazing and i thank God for their part in my life.
one of the things i think that was keeping me from moving on, my friend jonathan helped me see: i was so concerned with all the things that i had done wrong. i was convinced that us breaking up was my fault. but it wasnt! it was both of our faults because we didnt surrender our relationship to Him from the very beginning. we made crucial mistakes that would greatly affect us later on down the road. jonathan helped me realize that i hadn't forgive myself for the things i had done to parker. the many times i made him feel completely stupid because of just something he said. all the tons of thousands of times we fought for hours on end because of something small that i blew out of proportion. i had asked God for forgiveness but I hadn't forgiven myself. now, if the God of all creation can forgive me of my horrid sins, shouldn't i be able to forgive myself? and so i did and its not something i worry about anymore! i've given that completely to the Lord.
something i'm having a hard time with though is giving parker to the Lord. i had so much control over him for so long that now its killing me! i was so used to telling him not to do something and him just not doing it. i controlled him in more ways than one and it was so wrong. but now, when i need to let go, its absolutely killing me. i dont want anything to happen to him. i'm so so very worried about parker, that he'll make a bad decision or that he'll get hurt. i try to find out everything i can about him and see if somehow in my little mind, i can make it better. i still haven't realized yet that i CAN'T! only God can make things better for park. not me. i dont control his life anymore, which is a good thing! i pray to God every night that He'll help parker. parker's grandfather is so precious to him and he as huntington's disease. he is pretty much just hanging in there. i feel horrible for parker. and parkers family. his grandparents and aunt and uncle and everyone was just so nice to me when we were dating! i feel horrible for them. parker's grandfather taught him everything about guitar and was like a father to him. i just pray that God will give parker peace about his grandfather.
i pray about parker daily. but during the day, instead of letting God have my worries and my concerns, i try to fix everything. i call around, i do whatever i possibly can to fix what is going on in parker's life. some he has found out about and knows about, some he doesn't. i dont know why i can't just let God handle it. He would do a much better job than i'm doing over here! He can make parker brand new!! i pray so dilligently for that day!
i've been a-ramblin' but i am finally through : ) stay tuned for the next time i need a place to vent! God is so awesome. he just shows me different things every day and he is so good to me!
-rachel
"Your love is extravagant
Your friendship it is intimate
i feel i'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Your love is extravagant
spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
no greater love have i ever known that You'd consider me Your friend
capture my heart again"
-casting crowns
"i paid my vows right here and now
no matter what comes my way
i paid my vows right here and now
no matter what comes my way
i do love You, i do love You, i do love You
You know that i love You Jesus
i do love You, i do love You, i do love You
for every season, there's a reason
and a purpose under heaven, this i know
this i know
a time to laugh and a time to cry
a time time to live and a time to die
a time to speak and a time for silence
a time to gain and a time to lose
a time to mourn and a time to dance
a time for peace and a time for war
for every season of the soul
for every season of Your love
through every season in this life i want You to know"
-misty edwards
"i don't understand Your ways, oh but i will give You my song
I'll give You all of my praise
You hold on to all my pain, and with You are pulling me closer
pulling me into Your ways
and around every corner and up every mountain
i'm not looking for crowns or the water from fountains
i'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing
that the sight of Your face is all that i need and i will say to You
its gonna be worth it, its gonna be worth it, its gonna be worth it all
i believe this"
-rita springer
"if You could You love me as a wife and for Your wedding get Your life
would that be all i'll ever need or is there more i'm looking for
should i read between the lines or look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich and wise,
is that really what You want?
i am whore i do confess
i put You on just like a wedding dress and i
run down the aisle, run down the aisle
i'm a prodical with no way home
i put You on just like a ring of gold and i
run down the aisle, i run down the aisle to You
could You love this bastard child,
though i don't trust you to provide?
with one hand in a pot of gold and with the other in Your side
cause i am so easily satisfied
by the call of the lover so less wild
and i would take a little cash over Your very flesh and blood"
-derek webb