Fic: Glaciers
Title: Glaciers
Pairing: Naomi/Emily
Rating: Swearing/Sex
Summary: Emily/Naomi, AU, Naomi and Emily meet at university.
Notes: For twistomatic for FFFFA, (and for her infinite patience,) and an honourable mention to siviusx for spending most of her 2010 thus far editing it, and not being an absolute cunt about it.
Emily stops having expectations of anything by mid September. She expected everyone to be a little homophobic, which was an idea that she had to abandon almost immediately when her housemate Amy wasn’t only accepting but was actually fully supportive, urging her to pull a fit girl in fresher’s week; and she expected uni to be easy-she’d thought it would be infinite day-time TV sessions and not 12 hour days, which is fast becoming the grim reality.
She stops expecting anything at all, it’s easier that way.
'Erm,' Emily mutters, on tip-toes, because the library information desk isn't really designed for people of Emily's stature. 'I need this book,' she says, slipping a piece of paper over the desk to the guy behind the counter.
'Says here someone's already checked it out; a Naomi Campbell,' and when he laughs he brays like a donkey.
Great. Emily thinks. Fantastic; because she was stupid enough to think that the book that she (and the twenty-five other people in her lecture) needed was just going to be magically waiting for her on the shelf, and some tit hadn't already used a fake name to get it. She hopes vaguely that Uni isn't going to be like this forever-that when she goes to get her next reading list half the books haven't already been checked out by Brad Pitt and Donald Duck.
'It's meant to be back at seven though, if you can wait.' She nods uselessly because he can really only see a bit of red hair from where he's standing. She looks at her watch and wanders back to her seat, and tries to do all the scrap bits of remaining essay that don't require That Book.
It gets to be seven, and she's still the only one on the floor. Finally a tall blonde girl comes full pelt up the stairs, and runs to the desk.
'Here,' she says rather grumpily, and tosses the book at him over the counter.
'You're Naomi Campbell,' he says rather disbelievingly.
'Yeah, you can laugh now if you like, it'll save you time sniggering behind my back later.'
Emily smirks at this, and as if on cue walks towards the desk.
'Three pounds fifty,' the guy says, and glares at Naomi expectantly.
'What?' she asks and gives a perfectly executed eye-roll.
'It's late.'
Naomi thrusts her hand across the desk so fast that Emily thinks that she's going to punch him; but she just rests her watch under his nose. 'No, see. Seven on the dot,' and she withdraws her hand.
'No.' he says bitterly and takes the clock off his desk. 'It's two minutes past seven.'
'For fuck's sake, I don't believe this.' Naomi says and huffs moodily.
'Three fifty or I call security, and get you banned from the library for the rest of the year for being disorderly.'
'I'm not being disorderly,' she shouts. 'And you can't do that, I know you can't,' she continues, even the man behind the desk makes a big pantomime of getting out his radio and pressing the talk button. 'I don't have any money on me!' Naomi finally pleads, and her voice strains a little from the stress.
'Well you should have got it back on time then shouldn't you.'
Emily watches Naomi's face, and it's really rather amusing how she's doing all these facial acrobatics, it's almost like one side of her face is wrestling with the other.
'You.' Naomi says, and points a finger rather menacingly at the man. 'You terrible little man, you have far too much power...'
'I'll pay it,' Emily blurts, and wishes she hasn't immediately. Naomi turns to look at her and ends up pointing her finger at Emily instead, who almost flinches.
'Oh.' Naomi says, apparently unaware there were other people in the library, and drops her hand to her side. She takes a moment to look at Emily again, and repeats herself. 'Oh,' she says again, with a thoroughly unreadable expression.
'I don't mind, really. I was waiting for the book anyway,' Emily murmurs, looking at her shoes, just because Naomi is looking at her unrelentingly.
'Serious?' Naomi asks, looking around -presumably for Jeremy Beadle- , before smiling rather briefly at Emily, who just drops the coins in Naomi's hand, who in turn drops them onto the counter with a loud clang, looking rather pleased with herself.
'Thanks...' Naomi says, and it takes Emily a slow few seconds to realise that this is the part where she is meant to say her name.
'Emily,' and she holds out her hand. Naomi smiles a little bemusedly at this, but shakes it anyway.
'Naomi,' she responds, holding out her own hand. Then she smirks. 'I like it. Very chivalrous.' She drops Emily's hand like it's burned her when she realises they've been shaking hands for far too long.
'Fucking hell, do you live here?' Naomi mutters when she sees Emily's...well, Emily considers it a nest, because there's not many other words that come close to it. There's books spread out in a semi circle, a pasty wrapper, a can of red bull, and a bottle of water. Emily's coat is all bunched up like a cushion on the chair, and there's three stacks of notes, each written in a different kind of ink.
Emily laughs nervously.
'I haven't got my first big essay yet...' Naomi mutters, looking a bit apprehensive as she observes Emily's Nest, and gives Emily (or Emily's eye-bags) a concerned look.
'Right. Well.' Naomi sniffles, when Emily can’t think of anything to say in response. 'I have to go, but, erm, thanks. I owe you .'
'It's okay, really,' Emily smiles.
'We'll figure something out - I don't like owing people things.'
'You don't owe me anything,' Emily says with a nervous laugh.
'I'll be the judge of that...' Naomi says, her face all blank again, and then she shuffles off towards the exit.
;;
Emily doesn't think about Naomi all that much after that; just writes the library-fine off as her good deed for that day. It doesn't mean that she doesn't think of Naomi at all, because there is something about her that is inherently intriguing; it's not Emily's fault if her thoughts stray that way sometimes.
On a rainy Monday a few weeks later, she ducks into the S.U, to avoid getting a thorough soaking. It looks like she's not the only person who's had the genius idea of waiting for the rain to pass in the union, as it's completely rammed.
She orders a hot chocolate (with a shot of Bailey's because that novelty hasn't quite worn off yet,) and looks around uselessly for a seat. She thinks she's going to have to lean against the wall and rest her drink on the “Table”, which is really just a glorified dado rail, when she sees the familiar blonde-hair and perma-scowl of Naomi in the corner.
'Seat's taken,' Naomi mutters and it's clear she's not looking up from her book for anybody.
'Sorry...' Emily mumbles, and practically has to reverse into the crowd of people because turning around would just be too impractical.
'Oh.' Naomi says, and looks up. They look at one another for what Emily feels is an unnatural amount of time, before Naomi adds. 'You can sit down, y'know, if you want,' and shrugs, goes back to reading. Emily moves the impossibly large bag off the chair and perches herself rather uncomfortably on it, as to not knock Naomi's legs. (Which are incredibly long, and, well, nice Emily notices.)
'I haven't forgotten,' Naomi murmurs, and it's really hard to tell when she's actually talking to someone, because she doesn't look up from her book much.
'Excuse me?' Emily says, and leans in closer, because the rabble is much too loud.
'I haven't forgotten.'
'About what?'
'About you,' and she looks up just long enough this time; long enough for Emily to see the blue in her eyes.
'It's alright, really,' Emily mutters and holds her hot chocolate awkwardly, as there’s not enough space on the table for her to put it down. It becomes apparent after a few moments of Emily trying to catch Naomi's eye, (only to look away when she looks up from her book,) that Naomi's ability to converse has run dry, and Emily sighs, reaches in her bag and withdraws a book of her own.
'What are you reading?' Emily asks after another long, awkward pause, and Naomi doesn't bother replying verbally, just raises her eyebrows and holds the book cover in the air.
'Oh are you studying politics?' Emily asks, and it is actually kind of hard to keep trying to be nice when Naomi isn't exactly making it very easy.
'No,' Naomi says, and for a moment Emily thinks she's being sarcastic. 'But if I'm going to save the world, I have to start somewhere.'
'Is that what you're going to do then? Save the world...'
'Well someone has to,' she shrugs, and goes back to the book. 'How about you then? What are you studying?' and she says it so quietly Emily has to check to see if she's said anything at all, and she obviously has, judging by that expectant look on her face.
'Oh, erm, Psychology,' Emily nods repeatedly.
'Right,' Naomi says, and looks at her almost suspiciously.
'What?'
'Nothing; it's just nice to meet someone doing a real degree...'
'I'm glad you approve,' Emily mutters dryly, and the resultant smirk on Naomi's face is the closest she's ever seen to her smile.
They both sit in silence, reading their books and sipping their drinks until Naomi stands up.
'As thrilling as this conversation is...' she says, and doesn't finish, just waves quietly, and makes a face like she's trying to smile before walking away.
*
She's invasive; that’s what Emily thinks, one night when she randomly finds herself thinking of Naomi's half-smile, and she’s not able to decide if she either loves it or hates it, because really, Naomi is very good at making Emily feel utterly confused.
*
'Watch where you're fucking going!' Naomi shouts at her, as Emily rounds the corner of the high-street, and they knock shoulders, (or as close to Naomi's shoulders as Emily can reach.) 'Oh - Are you fucking stalking me or something, because you're meant to be inconspicuous,' and she puts her hands on her hips, looks down at Emily.
'No...I...'
'Right,' Naomi sighs, folds her arms, and hikes up her bag. 'Well you'd have to be pretty pathetic to stalk me, so you're probably telling the truth.'
'Thanks,' Emily says mockingly.
'What you in such a rush for anyway?' Naomi asks, pulling a box of cigarettes out of her bag and offering Emily one.
'I'm not,' Emily says quietly, and realises that they're walking, quite fast actually, and she doesn't know where they're going, realises it probably doesn't matter.
'Wouldn't kill you to look where you're going then would it?' Naomi mutters, with the fag dangling out of her mouth limply.
'Well where are you going that's so important that you don't need to use your vision?'
'There's a sale on at Top Shop,' Naomi mutters, pats her pockets down for the lighter.
'You're joking,' Emily says very plainly, and her mouth twitches up at the edge in an involuntary smirk. Naomi smirks back at her as she lights her cigarette, and it reaches her eyes this time, and it's really kind of dazzling.
'Right. Anyway -Voting. I'm going to vote,' she says matter-of-factly and hands Emily the lighter.
'Right,' and Emily doesn't really know what to say to that, because everything that comes out of Naomi's mouth could be construed as some kind of joke, but Emily knew she really meant it when she said she was going to save the world; Emily was sure she didn't mean it in the Captain Planet way. The way she's looking at Emily now is equally serious.
'You are voting aren't you? Because if you don't vote you...'
'Yeah, I'm voting,' and it's not a complete lie because Emily was going to vote anyway, but after the string of all nighters she's just pulled she isn't sure exactly what day it is.
'I know it's only the county elections, but they're just as important, we don't want the BNP getting in, or it'll be Yorkshire all over again, and even then that was a joke, we don't want to crush the entire UK political system under the weight of its own irony. Fuck, am I rambling?'
'Not at all.'
They get to a rather unassuming church hall, and Naomi intimidates the old lady taking their registration cards while Emily looks on and smiles half-heartedly.
They're in and out straight away. Naomi is looking at Emily expectantly when she comes out of the booth.
'You want to know who I voted for,' Emily says coyly and Naomi just shrugs.
'Got something to hide?' Naomi says, cocking an eyebrow, and walking along side her.
'Votes are meant to be private, Naomi. That's why people don't go in twos up.'
Naomi laughs lightly at the idea. 'Suit yourself,' she shrugs, but Emily already knows that it's killing her; learns that Naomi's one of those people then-those people who'll always rather know.
Emily leans forward and whispers her vote into Naomi's ear. Naomi smiles, properly again, and that's just never going to get boring.
'I've got to go,' Naomi says after a while of them walking. 'I'll...I,' She pauses and sighs. 'Bye, Emily.'
And just like that Naomi leaves Emily completely lost, in more ways than one, on a street corner she's never even seen before.
*
The thoughts get harder to shake-off, and it's like she's got some kind of radar now, because she can't stop seeing Naomi everywhere, and obviously they go to the same university, and they're even in the same building, so it’s not impossible, but she's sure she shouldn't be seeing this much of Naomi.
There's things about Naomi she can learn from a distance. Like she doesn't like Thursdays-not that Emily can imagine Naomi particularly liking any day-and it’s because Emily now knows that she's got four lectures in a row; she also knows that she never sees Naomi with anyone, apart from once she saw her shouting at the receptionist but that doesn't exactly make her some sort of social butterfly. The third thing she notices is that Naomi hates small talk; Naomi would rather walk away than waste her time on something so stupid-and she frequently does-but Emily just kind of learns that it's not personal.
She likes knowing these things; supposes she's the only person who's ever bothered to look for them, and it makes her feel how the explorers must have felt, being the first ones to find something strange and precious.
*
Amy drags her to some second year party at someone's house near the town, and it's alright. Nothing like the parties in Bristol, but it's okay, she's just bought loads of MDMA and is waiting for an acceptable time to take it. Amy is a good friend, possibly too good, in the sense that she's everybody's friend, so while she does the rounds Emily waits in the kitchen. The people are making her nervous though-it’s the people or the music, or maybe her fifth vodka and energy drink, but whatever it is, she can't be here.
She slips into one of the “out of bounds” bedrooms silently. Sits on the edge of the bed and sighs, tries to ride it out until the come-up. The door opens, and Emily's already prepared her speech about how she was looking for the toilet when she realises it's Naomi.
'Do you follow me everywhere?' Naomi mutters and closes the door behind her.
'I was here first,' Emily replies.
'Touché.' Naomi sits beside her without bothering to wait for an invitation.
'I didn't expect to see you at one of these,' Emily says quietly, and she doesn't turn to look at Naomi, just sits there with their bare arms almost touching.
'And why is that?' Emily's not sure how to answer. 'No really, tell me I'm intrigued,' Naomi insists, and it sounds bitter but her voice is soft and gentle, just calm.
'I never see you with anyone, not really,' Emily says, and hopes it’s not too obvious, but Naomi's a little bit wasted and if she's noticed she doesn't let on.
'Pfft,' is all Naomi says, and it's not exactly a verbal response. 'I don't integrate well with others, I think my school reports said.' That statement’s followed by a sigh. 'I came with some people from halls, they wouldn't take no for an answer, and five days probably is too long to be hiding in your room.'
There's a long pause.
'What are you hiding from?' Emily asks tentatively, and Naomi just shrugs. ‘You don’t look like a coward.’ Maybe it’s struck a nerve, or maybe she just didn’t hear her, either way she doesn’t respond to it.
'Well here we are, life and soul of the party,' Naomi smirks and Emily giggles. 'Why are you hiding in here anyway, shouldn't you be in the kitchen with all the other cool kids?' Naomi asks sarcastically.
'Pfft,' Emily mimics, 'It's all a bit much...I don't think I'm used to all this yet.'
'Yeah, I get it.' Naomi nods.
'I've got some MDMA,' Emily says pointlessly, just to fill up the silence.
'Yeah?' Naomi says, and sounds a little bit intrigued.
'That was an offer, Naomi,' Emily adds, and conceals her smile, though it's far too dark to see anyway.
They snort it quickly off the back of an economics text book on the bedside table.
There's a terrible sense of waiting, waiting for something to happen, and as the MDMA slowly makes its way to Emily's brain there's a definite sense of anticipation and limitless possibility. Emily doesn't know to what she's meant to assign this fluttering feeling in her stomach to, though; because it simply doesn't feel like something chemical, and she's grasping at some memory where she's felt something similar but she just keeps coming up short.
'It's good,' Naomi says, in an assessment of absolutely nothing.
Emily's not sure she can blame the drugs for something she would probably do anyway, but it's not like they didn't give her a nudge in the right direction.
She kisses Naomi, and it’s shy and quiet, and a million other things Emily can’t think of words for. Naomi pulls back, and looks for a moment like she is about to say something, and Emily wills her to stay silent before either of them start to regret anything. Naomi shakes her head rather subtly and then kisses her back, just like that.
Emily is aware that she's trapping Naomi, that the angle at which they're doing this is enough for it and she's scared for innumerate reasons: because all this is still a bit new, because it feels so unsafe and fragile, because this isn't what a first kiss should feel like - though Emily learned a long time ago not to put too much store in the way things “should” turn out.
'What are you doing? Get out!' Someone yells; when they look up Emily thinks it's the owner of the room, whoever he is, and he's furious. They both shuffle past awkwardly and Naomi heads straight for the front door.
'Naomi, wait...I,' Emily calls and stretches to grab her arm, or something, anything just to tell her...Tell her what is completely irrelevant. It's just as well that Emily never catches her, because Emily's not sure how she would finish that sentence, isn’t sure what she has to say.
Emily thinks about Naomi running away, minutes from coming up on MDMA and it just makes her feel sad, more than anything.
Amy hands her the bottle of Kola Kubes, and then they play Ring of Fire until all of it-Naomi, that kiss-goes away.
----
Emily forgets about it for a while, for long enough, anyway until she ends up waiting for the same lift as Naomi.
'Hello,' Naomi says plainly.
'Hi,' Emily says, and they just stand next to each other. The only thing even indicating that they even know each other is Naomi has already pressed the button for Emily's floor, and even then it's the same one Naomi studies on, so even that's probably a coincidence.
'Look, sorry,' Emily begins, and it's a blatant lie, because she's not sorry in the slightest, but she does feel a little guilty about ambushing Naomi, and she needs to say something. 'It was just the MDMA, sorry, I didn't mean to upset you...'
'You didn't upset me,' Naomi says far too quickly for that to be truthful, either.
'Right, well. Sorry anyway, I don't want to ruin our...budding friendship,' Emily says mockingly, and she doesn't like it, as a rule, all this hiding behind jokes, but she can't say anything else without running the risk of Naomi fleeing the scene again, and she just wants to sort this.
'True, who will pay my library fines?' Emily knows Naomi's smirking even though they're not facing one another.
'And if they do ever enforce the twos-up voting rule, I don't want to be the only one on my own,' Emily adds.
'I'm so glad we had this talk,' Naomi says abruptly when the doors open. 'See you around, Emily.'
Emily wonders if that's another lie too.
----
Emily's hung up on the kiss, far too much for such a ridiculous kiss-and it was ridiculous, up in an out-of-bounds bedroom, almost falling off some stranger’s bed.
There was something about it though, something sickeningly intoxicating, something about the taste, the softness of her lips, the need in Naomi’s eyes.
There was something about it Emily's not sure she wants to let go of.
----
Both Naomi and Emily get jobs in the library, and Emily wonders absently when she sees Naomi at her induction if it means they will be spending more time with each other. It doesn't, as it turns out-they're in different departments, on different floors, on different shift patterns.
It's like the kiss didn't even happen (which Emily supposes is Naomi's intention) when Naomi hands over a stack of books at the end of her shift and tells Emily that they're from her floor and they need putting away.
Emily can't help herself sometimes, deliberately puts a book in the wrong place just so she'll have an excuse to go and talk to Naomi, and if Naomi realises what Emily’s doing, she doesn't say anything.
'How are you?' Emily says quietly, dropping a few books off onto the right trolley.
'Fine, thanks,' Naomi responds and rolls her eyes.
'Oh fuck it. Can you please stop being deliberately awkward? Because the last time I got caught kissing a girl I practically lost my sister, and I like you, Naomi-god knows why-but I do like being around you sometimes, when you're not being a total tit... and if I was trying to bed you-which I'm not-I'm certainly going the wrong way about it, because there are hundreds of other girls at this university, and so far most of them have been nicer to me than you have...' Emily says this practically all in one breath, no louder than a whisper, and it leaves her feeling like she'll never talk again.
'Right,' Naomi says, after a long, awkward pause. 'Well you can meet me after your shift finishes, at the SU cafe if you like,' she adds, with a shrug, like Emily's not got through to her at all, but Emily already knows that's not true, and smiles to herself as she walks down the stairs; living with Katie, she's learned to latch on to the tiny victories.
----
Naomi's wearing a hat and scarf and is sat on the only table left outside, and Emily can't tell if she's smoking or her breath is turning to vapour for a moment, until Naomi takes an exaggerated draw on her cigarette. She then slides the packet over the table wordlessly to Emily, who takes a cigarette, despite not really wanting one that much, knowing that Naomi's not the kind of person to offer, well, anything lightly-and so she takes what she can get.
'We going in?' Emily asks when they’re done, crushing her fag in the ash-tray.
'Nope,' Naomi says and stands up. 'We're just meeting here, didn't know if you'd know where the Secret Garden was,' Naomi explains, and Emily's fairly sure that the look of bewilderment on her face has answered Naomi's query for her.
'Secret Garden?'
'It's a coffee shop - We're sure as fuck not going in the SU, their coffee isn't even fair trade. Who doesn't have fair-trade stock? Even Lidl are fair-trade these days.'
'That's terrible, really?' and it is terrible, but she mainly just wants to squeeze more conversation out of Naomi while she still can.
And these moments shouldn't feel so fleeting, she shouldn't feel the need to be hunting for these tiny things that may not even last, but Emily likes her, in the simplest way she knows how to like someone; she just wishes she knew why, sometimes-that might be nice.
'Don't worry, I'm on it,' Naomi says, and it's the most determined she's sounded since Emily's met her, and it makes Emily feel strangely safe; she realizes would quite like to vote for Naomi in the next election, just to get things done right.
'Well it's all organic, fair-trade, what-have-you,' Naomi mumbles, standing up and making to walk in the opposite direction. 'I want a chai tea, not a crushing sense of Western Guilt.'
Emily almost wants to laugh sometimes, how someone can be so opinionated on some things and just so damn scared about others; because it's not like Emily doesn't know Naomi's scared, because that parts obvious. It's just what exactly she's scared of that has Emily's mind reeling.
Naomi smirks when Emily doesn’t immediately react. That was a joke apparently-or something like it.
'You make a habit of it then, kissing girls at parties?' Naomi asks after they've just passed the gate to the park.
'It's kind of a requirement when you turn gay; they make you sign a contract,' Emily says dryly, and Naomi laughs.
'So you're gay then.'
'Yeah I am,' Emily says quite fiercely.
'And how’s that working out for you?' Naomi asks quietly.
'I'm inherently happy, and I'm also pretty and witty or something,' Emily grins. 'And no, I don't make a habit of it, since the first time I kissed a girl at a party was even worse than your little disappearing act...' - And Emily's glad she's broached it properly now, it's more than a fucking relief to know that she can at least try and make light of a bad situation.
Emily's pretty proud of her fantastic acceptance of rejection - at the very least it's a practical life skill.
'How could it be worse?' Naomi wonders.
'My sister caught us, threw a fit and wouldn't talk to me for about a month,' Emily says, and there's enough distance there now so it doesn't feel like a monumental stab in the back any more at least.
'What did the girl do?' Naomi asks, and she sounds partially interested.
'Denied the whole thing,' and maybe it feels just a little bit like being stabbed in the back.
'Harsh,' Naomi says simply, before squinting in thought a moment, and adding; 'I don't think I could do that,' and she tries to make it an offhand remark, idly folding a receipt for something in her hands.
'Yeah, well apparently I'll only kiss people who are cowardly little shits,' Emily says, and tries to forget about the time before she came to uni, before she kissed that girl, when Emily wasn't just a cowardly little shit, she was the leader of the cowardly little shits. 'No offence,' she adds, a little unwillingly.
'None taken,' Naomi mutters. 'I'm not, though. A coward, I mean.'
'Clearly,' Emily says, and she's not being sarcastic, because it's obvious that Naomi is brave in some ways, and Emily honestly doesn't know if they're the ways that count, or the ways that don't matter at all. That’s when she spots a familiar face.
'Amy, hi,' she says; then freezes. She belatedly realises she should probably not tense up because it's just making her look guilty, when she has nothing to feel guilty about.
'Hi Emily,' Amy smiles, and then gives a cursory glance at Naomi who is basically pretending that she's just not fucking there at all.
'What are you up to?' Amy asks, when no additional information is forthcoming, and it's clear she was going for friendly, but it's just plain accusatory.
'Coffee-long shift at the library,' and Emily tries to tell Amy to fuck off home with just her eyes, because it's not good her being here while Naomi's here, and every word she says is something akin to breaking a twig and scaring Naomi away.
'Right, well see you when you get home,' Amy says, wrapping a scarf round herself, 'Bye,' she says, to both of them.
Naomi and Emily carry on walking.
'Who's she?'
'Oh, she's my house mate,' Emily says, and pulls her coat into herself tighter, trying to brave the literal and metaphorical chill in the air.
----
'It's all nice, but that's probably the nicest,' Naomi says, and hands her a mug of something or another.
'Oh,' Emily says, because she probably could have ordered herself; Naomi must have just got tired of Emily staring at the chalk-board or something.
‘I got you shortbread,’ Naomi says rather abruptly after a considerable silence, and Emily feels strangely victorious-she bets that the number of people Naomi has bought shortbread for in her life, Emily could probably count on one hand.
‘Thanks,’ Emily says partially brightly and sighs at her plate.
‘So we’re even now,’ Naomi mumbles and nods at the coffee.
‘Technically, I owe you for the shortbread,’ Emily says taking a bite.
‘I’m never going to be able to get rid of you now, am I?’ Naomi says, and narrows her eyes at Emily, like she’s appraising her or something.
Emily shakes her head deliberately, keeps observing Naomi to see just what she's appraising Emily for.
‘I clearly didn’t think this through,’ Naomi says with this look of dread on her face that is only betrayed by her mouth twitching up at the edges.
‘Obviously,’ Emily shrugs, and looks up from her cup to meet Naomi’s eyes, they smile back momentarily before she diverts her attention to tugging on the hem of her coat.
The walk back is bitterly cold, but Emily thinks it was thoroughly worth it because that was the nicest chai latte she's ever had. She's not about to tell Naomi it is the only chai latte she's ever had; it seems inconsequential.
They stop outside Emily's halls in silence.
'Well,' Naomi says, then just stops, like someone flicked the off switch.
'I could walk you home, if you like?' Emily says, and realises she's going to get shot down long before it actually happens; and shot down from what exactly? It's no great loss for Emily if she doesn't have to walk nearly another twenty minutes in the opposite direction in the freezing cold, so she doesn't know why it feels like a loss, however small.
'No, just,' Naomi sighs, and looks at her own hands expectantly. 'I can find my own way back, thanks.' Then she gives Emily this ridiculously pitying look, and fuck her, really; Emily doesn't need anyone's pity.
'Goodnight Emily,' Naomi says, with a biting air of finality, and scuffs her shoe on the doorstep.
'Yeah, night,' Emily responds flatly, and quells the urge to fucking throttle her right then until she's up the stairs and in her flat, where she's surprised to find the urge has gone, and has been replaced with something else entirely.
'Sorry for interrupting your date,' Amy says from the kitchen, and Emily sits down at the kitchen table and rubs her temples tiredly.
'It wasn't a date...It was a...Well I don't know what it was, but it wasn't a date,' Emily sighs, and nods when Amy wordlessly points to the kettle.
'Do you like her?' Amy says, and she's deliberately avoiding Emily's gaze and locking eyes with the counter-top.
'She's alright, I suppose,' because words have failed her; there doesn't seem to be much of a relation between the thoughts in her head, and the quivering in her gut in regards to Naomi anyway, so it's as fair an assessment as any.
'Stacy says she's a total psycho, called their lecturer a “wretched insignificant flap of foreskin” in the middle of a lecture and stormed out, and she had to get special written permission to be let back in,' Amy says, gossiping being one of her only immediate flaws.
'She's not that bad,' Emily says, and is only a little surprised to find she means it; she's smirking slightly thinking about Naomi's outburst.
'Defending her?' Amy says with a cocked eyebrow.
'Maybe,' Emily sighs into her tea-cup and watches Amy leave the room, and realises the question of whether or not she is defending Naomi isn't even important; just why she thinks she might defend Naomi.
----
Emily would be able to understand it if they had kissed again, or they had shared any kind of prolonged physical contact (other than that moment on the walk there when their hands touched and Emily may as well have been on fire, because Naomi couldn't have acted more burned) and she'd even understand it if they had talked about anything substantial, but this kind of brush-off is unprecedented. She feels ridiculous for even thinking for a moment that any of this would be easy.
She can’t help but wonder what she actually did wrong, if this is a blame thing, if she can find the root and cut it out-if she can fix this. No, apparently.
She doesn't even realise anything's wrong the first time; presumes that they are at least on speaking terms since their, whatever-it wasn't a date. She walks over and says “hi” to Naomi in library, and Naomi looks visibly horrified-as though Emily had told her that she was secretly a man or something-and walks away so briskly that another library assistant tells her to slow down in the corridors.
The second time she catches Naomi, she's waiting for the lift, and Emily says “hello” again, and waits in the queue; and it seems to have worked, or at the very least Naomi didn't hear her, until the door pings open and as they're getting in Naomi has a change of heart and heads in the opposite direction. Emily watches Naomi's legs sprint up the stairs as the lift doors close.
Third time Naomi sees her coming, catches her eye fleetingly on the pathway towards each other, and when it becomes quite apparent that someone’s going to have to at least step aside to let the other past, Naomi jogs away awkwardly over a ridiculously steep grass verge.
That's it. Emily says to herself, because she's been more than fucking tolerant and this girl clearly has issues if she off-roads just to avoid Emily.
She's done, either way, she's had quite enough.
----
It's not exactly hard to stop thinking about Naomi, but it's really not that easy either. Emily would be able to understand it if they had at least fucked at some point, but that train of thought stops at her feeling ashamed and sweaty with a hand down the front of her pyjama pants on a sleepless night.
There's a reason surrendering doesn't ever feel like winning.
----
She'll live, she tells herself, and it's a stupid crush, and she's never been very good at letting stupid crushes go-not like her sister who's Queen of the Fuck & Run. Emily as always been smitten for anyone who shows her the slightest bit of attention, and now, apparently, she’s also smitten for the ones who don't.
Emily's over it, over her; that girl with the blue eyes and the shortest, most volatile fuse, that always made Emily feel as though she was holding a lit match.
Amy takes her out to get smashed, and it works a treat really. They do a test-tube rack of shots each, and Emily gets talking to some blonde girl who she keeps buying drinks for just to shut her up. They kiss all night, and almost fuck in the toilet cubicles before Emily panics and bolts, then grabs Amy by the arm and yanks her out the front door before she's even finished her drink.
She honestly doesn't know what she's doing.
----
'Door,' Amy says through the crook of Emily's open bedroom door and raises her eyebrow suggestively, though Emily doesn't have a clue what she's suggesting.
'Oh,' Emily says blankly when Naomi's at the door of the flat just stood there, looking solemn and tiny.
'Hi,' Naomi says flatly.
'Yeah, hi,' Emily responds, still not really believing that Naomi is there, that Naomi was the one that sought her out.
'Come to this,' Naomi says and it doesn't sound like either a question or a statement, so Emily doesn't really know what to do with the situation, until Naomi thrusts a leaflet in her hand. Emily takes a cursory glance at it and looks up.
'Right,' Emily says tiredly, because she's not much in the mood for playing any games.
'I'm trying to get my numbers up, make more of an impact y'know?' Naomi says, and of course that's what it is; like Naomi would want her for something other than a numbers game.
'Oh, so you don't want me to go, you just need me to go,' Emily says tiredly, and shifts her weight onto one hip to look more annoyed-something she stole off Katie and it works a treat.
Naomi stammers uncomfortably for a moment, and then takes a deep breath. 'I'd like you to come,' Naomi finally says, semi-clearly. Message received either way.
Emily looks at the flyer, and smirks. 'Ban the bean?'
'It's catchy...'
'Whatever, just don't make me hold any signs up-people might get the wrong idea, and it's hard enough trying to get a girlfriend as it is,' Emily says.
Naomi laughs easily. 'Deal,' she says, and manages to shake Emily's hand without looking like it's going to give her leprosy.
'Come in,' Emily suggests after taking a minute to realise that Naomi isn't actually going anywhere. 'Tea?' She adds after Naomi shuts the door behind herself.
Naomi nods.
'Go in,' Emily says gesturing to her open door, 'rifle though my stuff-I’m used to it,' she adds and is thankful that she at least keeps her room partway clean-that Katie was the messy one.
----
Emily stops before entering the room with the tea, and watches as Naomi looks at her bookshelf; she's holding a picture of her and Katie at some stupid college party from around the time her and Katie still dressed vaguely alike. Naomi looks up, and flinches slightly at Emily's sudden presence, but then just smiles out of one side of her mouth.
'You didn't say you were a twin,' she says quietly, taking the mug from Emily. It shocks Emily that she hasn't actually said she was a twin, and she thinks back to just a few months ago when that would have been a completely ludicrous notion.
'Oh, well-that’s Katie, and the matching bows were her idea.'
Naomi snorts. Emily sits on the bed and puts her CD player on. Naomi looks cautious at the idea of sitting on Emily's bed, but it's fucking halls for Christ's sake, there's no where else to sit.
'Tell me something,' Emily says after a silence. I's not exactly an uncomfortable silence, but Emily tires of it quickly, needs some kind of verbal interaction.
'Like what?'
'Something about you.'
'Oh,' Naomi first says quietly, and then she obliges.
It's the start of something, their tiny and covert exchanges of information that are equally initiated and practically turn-based. Emily learns things about Naomi, sometimes little things, like her favourite colour (green,) and other times big things (like how she felt when her dad left,). It bothers Emily very little that these exchanges are so brief and tentative; she's a gardener, she has the patience to watch something grow.
Within a week she's learned enough about Naomi to realise that something else, that’s not entirely welcome is happening too, and wonders if she has the strength or inclination to stop it.
----
It’s bloody freezing and Emily wishes she had brought a scarf or gloves or just anything that might stop all the heat from leaving her body because it’s getting dark quick and she doesn’t know if she can actually get any colder.
‘Here,’ Naomi says quietly and hands her a thermos of tea. ‘It’s all fair trade don’t worry,’ Naomi adds.
Emily smirks at her and sips from the flask dutifully. ‘Good idea.’
‘I have my moments,’ Naomi grins briefly, but then sighs. ‘Well this is a fucking turn out for the books isn’t it?’
‘It’s not a bad turn out,’ Emily says and looks around, and there are quite a few people there, maybe not a mob, but it’s a sizeable crowd.
‘Are you fucking joking? It’s hardly the G20 Protests is it?’
‘Well I’d be worried if the entire student population decided to go into mass anarchy over some coffee beans.’
‘Thanks for backing this cause with all your strength,’ Naomi mutters sarcastically and rolls her eyes in an entirely affectionate way.
The University director comes out and in a spectacularly anti-climactic way pulls Naomi aside, mutters something to her, and tells the group to go home.
‘He said next time to write him a letter - well it worked didn’t it? He’s changing the supplier on Monday,’ Naomi shrugs it all off, but she looks fiercely accomplished anyway, and god, it’s attractive.
‘C’mon,’ Emily says as they’re still standing there and neither of them have thought to move. ‘We’ll go get chips or something-or at least fucking hold the chips, my fingers are freezing off.’
‘I imagine they’re quite useful to you as well, y’know, being such a massive lesbian,’ Naomi smirks, as they finally start walking.
‘Ruining my fingers and making me stand next to a Ban The Bean sign, you’re sabotaging sex life,’ Emily points out.
Naomi doesn’t say anything and Emily wonders if talking about is maybe one of the things they don’t talk about, but haven’t actually talked about not talking about yet. Naomi is hard work sometimes; she has a lot of rules about things Emily would never think to assign guidelines to, but then Emily constantly reminds herself that hard work reaps rewards.
It makes her feel a little better to tell herself that her rapid onset devotion to Naomi was born out of a good work ethic.
‘I know somewhere where they don’t cook with beef fat - Amy’s a vegetarian.’
‘Fuck that, really,’ Naomi smiles and lights another fag.
‘I thought you’d be a lentil lover,’ Emily adds and steals a cigarette from Naomi’s box without asking. Naomi looks slightly shocked but then just smiles at Emily one of her rare unguarded smiles and Emily would be lying if she said she didn’t melt a little inside.
‘Not a euphemism I take it,’ Naomi smirks and blows a cloud of smoke into Emily’s face, forcing her to grimace uncontrollably through her grin. ‘Nah, well people have too many problems themselves y’know-once we’ve sorted all that out, well then I can start on the animals.’
‘Jesus, you’re a right sensitive cunt aren’t you?’
‘Oh, well I was going to suggest we eat some kittens for dessert but that’s probably not a goer,’ Naomi rolls her eyes to punctuate her point.
She buys Emily her chips as a thank you for coming, and Emily has to clamp down on those fucking ridiculous butterflies that spring to life when she thinks of these moments that only she and Naomi share.
They sit on a wall together kicking their feet and eating mostly in silence.
‘Fancy going halves on a bottle of shit vodka, and really celebrating?’ Naomi asks with a shrug, crumpling up her chip paper.
‘Only if it’s fair trade vodka,’ Emily smirks.
‘Don’t be a prick Ems,’ Naomi says, and the abbreviation makes Emily smile unwillingly.
----
Amy finds them doing shots out of the vodka lid on the kitchen floor.
‘Hello ladies,’ she says, sidestepping them both. Emily can tell Amy’s drunk because all she does is open the fridge door, sit between her and Naomi and start eating slices of ham straight from the packet. ‘I spilled a cherry VK down my top so I thought I’d come home and change…hi,’ she says in Naomi’s direction, and far from ignoring her Naomi smiles back at her dumbly and says hi, and it makes Emily feel strangely sober, so she strangles the feeling with another vodka shot.
Emily watches Amy carefully, to make sure she doesn’t say anything stupid, but Amy’s not the sharpest tool in the box and after a good half an hour of everyone talking on the kitchen floor she’s managed to not say anything embarrassing.
‘Want to come to a party?’ Amy asks them both, consulting her phone, and Emily just looks at Naomi hopefully who does a slow nod before polishing off the rest of the vodka from the bottle. They get a taxi to the party because it’s far too cold to be walking for half an hour in the sleet. Amy swans off to meet someone the second they arrive, and leaves Naomi and Emily alone; it doesn’t bother Emily so much anymore, their being left unattended. They’ve gotten much better at it, are learning how to be around each other, and all it has taken is time and patience, both of which Emily’s got mountains of.
It’s the kind of party Emily expects Naomi to hate; she’s not that keen on it herself, as it’s extremely loud and she’s not drunk enough yet, but Naomi just gamely disappears into the kitchen and comes back with a can of lager for her. A few minutes later Amy brings them some pills that Naomi takes dutifully.
‘Not going to kiss me again are you?’ Naomi says and shoots Emily a ridiculously cocky grin (which Emily ruefully admits might actually be very attractive) before swallowing the first pill with a gulp of lager.
‘Don’t kiss me back and we’ve got a deal,’ Emily mutters, trying to salvage what little pride she has left. They spend their time in the kitchen with Amy, doing jelly shots and talking, and Naomi is actually having a real conversation with Amy and hasn’t said anything more than slightly sarcastic. Emily tries her hardest to not look like she’s expecting hell to freeze over at any moment.
Sometimes their hands touch and Naomi doesn’t pull away, and that and the drugs makes her feel like her feet can’t hold her up; then she sways and Naomi puts her hand on the small of Emily’s back and she feels so fucking happy for a brief moment.
Then, a lot of things happen at once.
There’s a bang and someone shouts “Police!” and Naomi grabs Emily so tightly by the wrist that her knuckles turn white, and people start scrambling for the door, and Emily almost gets lost in the crowd a few times but Naomi is there persistently tugging at her until they’re in the back alley, and then they’re running. It’s freezing and Emily’s not wearing a coat, and they run until Emily has to dig her heels in.
They stop short a few streets over.
‘I’ve still got the fucking pills haven’t I?’ Naomi laughs between haggard breaths; she rests her hands on her own knees to get her lungs full again. Emily would like to point out about a thousand things wrong with the situation until Naomi just smiles at her and Emily can’t remember a single one of them, typically. It starts to piss down and Emily’s running again before she knows it, but this time Naomi is holding her hand instead of her wrist and it’s so much softer, and they’re both laughing at how ridiculous this whole situation is.
They’re soaked before they’re anywhere near either of their halls.
‘Mine,’ Emily says breathlessly, ‘it’s nearer.’ And Naomi squeezes her hand to tell her that the message has been received and they run to her halls.
‘I’m not getting any dryer,’ Naomi huffs, as Emily fumbles with the keys with her cold hands, and she drops them twice before Naomi takes Emily’s hands in her own, mutters ‘Cold,’ and smiles gently. Then, she takes the keys and opens the door, and it’s touching, on-purpose touching, which Emily knows is the best kind of touching. They walk up the stairs slowly, Emily is kind of weighed down by her sodden jeans, and they both leave little puddles on the lino as they walk. Naomi shudders exaggeratedly when they get in the door, and Emily runs into her room, kicks her laundry under the bed and shouts Naomi in.
‘I’ll get you a towel, two minutes,’ Emily says and goes into her bathroom and attempts to get out of her clothes, but they’re clinging to her like she’s just tried to swim the fucking channel rather than just got caught in a winter shower.
‘Ems, where’s the towel? I-’ Naomi starts to ask, walking into the bathroom without knocking, and Emily just stands there because she doesn’t know what to fucking do, other than stand there; after a moment, she tries not to stare too obviously at Naomi’s fucking bare skin, before the thought of covering herself up even crosses her mind.
‘Oh,’ Naomi says quietly and tilts her head inquisitively. Naomi takes a step forward and takes the towel out of Emily’s hands. She dries her own hair with it, and Emily watches, biting her lip and not daring to move. Naomi smiles and throws the towel over Emily’s head and ruffles her hair until it’s dry, and it’s dark and noisy before Naomi stops, pulls the towel away and looks at her. She’s definitely not smiling this time; she’s just bunched her mouth up to the side.
Emily looks up from a wet blood-red fringe and locks eyes with her, and Naomi takes a step forward again and they collide, and they’re kissing again, and it’s every bit as fragile and breakable as it was the first time.
Her hands are still raised in the air like tiny useless wings and she stretches forward slowly, rests her fingers on one of Naomi’s hips and when she doesn’t immediately withdraw, Emily places her other hand on Naomi’s waist. It’s not that much of a kiss really; Emily knows there are girls who give this kind of kissing up straight away, but part of the clenching in her chest stems from having earned this. They stumble, Naomi backward, Emily forward, and Naomi braces her, but pulls back and Emily thinks this is it, the moment she has finally broken this irreparably. It’s not, as it turns out - It’s progress, it’s funny really, how similar they both feel.
Naomi wraps and arm around Emily’s back and slowly looks at her.
‘Say something,’ Naomi says, and it’s so tender and unsure that Emily just smiles softly.
‘Do I still owe you for the shortbread?’ Emily says after a deep breath, and Naomi just lets out a breathy laugh and looks at Emily, uses her eyes to urge Emily to do something. Emily’s a little bit drunk and a little bit dizzy and high from the pills still, and she’s not really sure if she’s being reassuring in the slightest, but it works anyway when Emily leans in again and Naomi lets her - Like Naomi only comes with two options; fight or surrender, and the desperate way her eyes glaze over as she bites Emily’s lip has never been a bigger white flag.
Naomi tugs her backwards and kicks the door open with her foot and it’s so accomplished and sexy that Emily smiles into the kiss and all it serves to do is make her want this more, and she didn’t know that was possible. Naomi puts her hands around Emily’s waist, palms to her back and pulls her into Emily’s bed room, and it’s really clumsy, height difference and all and Emily stumbles a lot, and Naomi spins her round and Emily absently thinks it’s a bit like ballroom dancing and then Naomi leans in and forces her backward a little more and the bed knocks her knees out from under her and the physics of it all takes over and she’s underneath Naomi who is still kissing her.
They’re on the bed, and Naomi hasn’t stopped and Emily can’t actually enjoy herself because she knows that this could be it. She knows it could end at any moment, and it’s ruining this, this fucking cloud over everything - it’s breaking her. Then she realises it’s been breaking her all along - she’s going to shatter and she’s going to salt the earth.
Emily flips her over, and other than a surprised little moan, she doesn’t respond any differently at all, and it’s a little like wrestling for control at first, and to Emily’s surprise it’s Naomi who changes the pace and unhooks Emily’s bra in one motion, and Emily does an unsure little smile before starting something she’s going to have to finish and begins kissing down Naomi’s body, and it’s cold and damp from the rain still and it’s one of the strangest sensations she’s ever come across.
It’s something like terror, when she slowly tugs on Naomi’s elastic waist band, and suddenly Naomi’s naked and Emily is hovering over her and holding her breath and waiting for something, anything. Naomi tangles her hand into Emily’s hair and it’s the starting gun to all of this and Emily drags the pad of her tongue across Naomi’s clit slowly - The resulting wriggle is better than Emily could have hoped for and she grins to herself, before doing it all over again. It feels like the first time, Emily notes, the careful apprehension of it all and that sinking feeling in her gut that’s filling her with dread as well as just making her really wet. None of this was there with that other girl the summer before, it was devoid of everything but purpose - it was just a test.
It’s like a conversation, Emily thinks as she slips a finger inside, and Naomi is just so fucking responsive she doesn’t know what to do at first. Naomi’s never been this responsive to anything, and the way she bucks towards Emily’s face and hands and craves her on some base level; it’s like a thousand conversations they never bothered to have, and now Emily knows this is how you reach her, this is how she communicates.
It’s over shockingly quickly, and Emily feels something a little bit like pride as she slides back up Naomi’s body and Naomi pulls her into a somewhat apprehensive kiss, and Emily watches as Naomi smiles very carefully before her eye lids flutter shut and she falls asleep. Emily waits for her breathing to even out before relaxing enough herself to even try; it works eventually, but the sensation of Naomi’s hand draped across her waist is actually quite distracting.
----
Naomi kicks over a teacup, from a pile of unwashed dishes on the floor, and it makes an enormous clang which forces Emily awake with a start. Naomi looks like she has been caught in the middle of a crime, and she may as well have been, really. She says nothing but she turns and faces Emily and her lips move but no sound comes out. And Emily is so full of anger she can’t think of anything to say, she can’t even really comprehend that Naomi is going to do this to her, and she wants to stop her, searches for the words, the actions, anything…
Then Emily closes her eyes once and opens them again, looks directly at Naomi and says it with her eyes instead. She’s learned enough to know that you can’t make someone stay, no matter how much you want it. If you love something let it go, she thinks to herself and squeezes her eyes shut. When she opens them, Naomi has gone.
The next time she sees Naomi it’s in the library and they lock eyes and it’s unbelievably awkward and sad and Emily allows her mouth to twitch into a fleeting smile that never makes it to her eyes before Naomi walks away. Naomi shows up at her door that night, kisses her roughly as soon as she answers, and she’s drunk, her tongue tastes vaguely alcoholic, Emily thinks before all thoughts are knocked from her brain as Naomi rather hungrily unbuttons Emily’s shirt, pulls down her skirt. They fall onto the bed, and Emily knows she should probably stop this, but knowing something and taking action are at two ends of the spectrum Emily can’t bring herself to cross.
Naomi’s rather deliberate in bed, like her moves are pre-orchestrated, like she’s thought about doing these things to Emily before, and Christ, it gets her unbelievably wet, and Naomi makes this incredibly satisfied noise when she discovers this and Emily moves into her and as premeditated as it is, it’s rougher than Emily thought it would be and she has to try extremely hard to keep her noises inside but they escape anyway with each thrust of Naomi’s fingers. Naomi uses her palm to hover over Emily’s clit and applies pressure, her fingers and the natural rhythm bring Emily off pretty effortlessly, and she clutches at Naomi’s shirt; presses a breathless kiss to her collarbone, before collapsing.
‘I’m…I’m sorry,’ Naomi says very quietly and gets her shoes and leaves, actually just leaves Emily there, again. Emily feels a lot of things at once, and they revert and she feels hollow and starts to cry, and her tears sting terribly. She throws a teacup at the wall just to watch it shatter, and Amy finds her crying in her bed sheet.
Part 2:
Pairing: Naomi/Emily
Rating: Swearing/Sex
Summary: Emily/Naomi, AU, Naomi and Emily meet at university.
Notes: For twistomatic for FFFFA, (and for her infinite patience,) and an honourable mention to siviusx for spending most of her 2010 thus far editing it, and not being an absolute cunt about it.
Emily stops having expectations of anything by mid September. She expected everyone to be a little homophobic, which was an idea that she had to abandon almost immediately when her housemate Amy wasn’t only accepting but was actually fully supportive, urging her to pull a fit girl in fresher’s week; and she expected uni to be easy-she’d thought it would be infinite day-time TV sessions and not 12 hour days, which is fast becoming the grim reality.
She stops expecting anything at all, it’s easier that way.
'Erm,' Emily mutters, on tip-toes, because the library information desk isn't really designed for people of Emily's stature. 'I need this book,' she says, slipping a piece of paper over the desk to the guy behind the counter.
'Says here someone's already checked it out; a Naomi Campbell,' and when he laughs he brays like a donkey.
Great. Emily thinks. Fantastic; because she was stupid enough to think that the book that she (and the twenty-five other people in her lecture) needed was just going to be magically waiting for her on the shelf, and some tit hadn't already used a fake name to get it. She hopes vaguely that Uni isn't going to be like this forever-that when she goes to get her next reading list half the books haven't already been checked out by Brad Pitt and Donald Duck.
'It's meant to be back at seven though, if you can wait.' She nods uselessly because he can really only see a bit of red hair from where he's standing. She looks at her watch and wanders back to her seat, and tries to do all the scrap bits of remaining essay that don't require That Book.
It gets to be seven, and she's still the only one on the floor. Finally a tall blonde girl comes full pelt up the stairs, and runs to the desk.
'Here,' she says rather grumpily, and tosses the book at him over the counter.
'You're Naomi Campbell,' he says rather disbelievingly.
'Yeah, you can laugh now if you like, it'll save you time sniggering behind my back later.'
Emily smirks at this, and as if on cue walks towards the desk.
'Three pounds fifty,' the guy says, and glares at Naomi expectantly.
'What?' she asks and gives a perfectly executed eye-roll.
'It's late.'
Naomi thrusts her hand across the desk so fast that Emily thinks that she's going to punch him; but she just rests her watch under his nose. 'No, see. Seven on the dot,' and she withdraws her hand.
'No.' he says bitterly and takes the clock off his desk. 'It's two minutes past seven.'
'For fuck's sake, I don't believe this.' Naomi says and huffs moodily.
'Three fifty or I call security, and get you banned from the library for the rest of the year for being disorderly.'
'I'm not being disorderly,' she shouts. 'And you can't do that, I know you can't,' she continues, even the man behind the desk makes a big pantomime of getting out his radio and pressing the talk button. 'I don't have any money on me!' Naomi finally pleads, and her voice strains a little from the stress.
'Well you should have got it back on time then shouldn't you.'
Emily watches Naomi's face, and it's really rather amusing how she's doing all these facial acrobatics, it's almost like one side of her face is wrestling with the other.
'You.' Naomi says, and points a finger rather menacingly at the man. 'You terrible little man, you have far too much power...'
'I'll pay it,' Emily blurts, and wishes she hasn't immediately. Naomi turns to look at her and ends up pointing her finger at Emily instead, who almost flinches.
'Oh.' Naomi says, apparently unaware there were other people in the library, and drops her hand to her side. She takes a moment to look at Emily again, and repeats herself. 'Oh,' she says again, with a thoroughly unreadable expression.
'I don't mind, really. I was waiting for the book anyway,' Emily murmurs, looking at her shoes, just because Naomi is looking at her unrelentingly.
'Serious?' Naomi asks, looking around -presumably for Jeremy Beadle- , before smiling rather briefly at Emily, who just drops the coins in Naomi's hand, who in turn drops them onto the counter with a loud clang, looking rather pleased with herself.
'Thanks...' Naomi says, and it takes Emily a slow few seconds to realise that this is the part where she is meant to say her name.
'Emily,' and she holds out her hand. Naomi smiles a little bemusedly at this, but shakes it anyway.
'Naomi,' she responds, holding out her own hand. Then she smirks. 'I like it. Very chivalrous.' She drops Emily's hand like it's burned her when she realises they've been shaking hands for far too long.
'Fucking hell, do you live here?' Naomi mutters when she sees Emily's...well, Emily considers it a nest, because there's not many other words that come close to it. There's books spread out in a semi circle, a pasty wrapper, a can of red bull, and a bottle of water. Emily's coat is all bunched up like a cushion on the chair, and there's three stacks of notes, each written in a different kind of ink.
Emily laughs nervously.
'I haven't got my first big essay yet...' Naomi mutters, looking a bit apprehensive as she observes Emily's Nest, and gives Emily (or Emily's eye-bags) a concerned look.
'Right. Well.' Naomi sniffles, when Emily can’t think of anything to say in response. 'I have to go, but, erm, thanks. I owe you .'
'It's okay, really,' Emily smiles.
'We'll figure something out - I don't like owing people things.'
'You don't owe me anything,' Emily says with a nervous laugh.
'I'll be the judge of that...' Naomi says, her face all blank again, and then she shuffles off towards the exit.
;;
Emily doesn't think about Naomi all that much after that; just writes the library-fine off as her good deed for that day. It doesn't mean that she doesn't think of Naomi at all, because there is something about her that is inherently intriguing; it's not Emily's fault if her thoughts stray that way sometimes.
On a rainy Monday a few weeks later, she ducks into the S.U, to avoid getting a thorough soaking. It looks like she's not the only person who's had the genius idea of waiting for the rain to pass in the union, as it's completely rammed.
She orders a hot chocolate (with a shot of Bailey's because that novelty hasn't quite worn off yet,) and looks around uselessly for a seat. She thinks she's going to have to lean against the wall and rest her drink on the “Table”, which is really just a glorified dado rail, when she sees the familiar blonde-hair and perma-scowl of Naomi in the corner.
'Seat's taken,' Naomi mutters and it's clear she's not looking up from her book for anybody.
'Sorry...' Emily mumbles, and practically has to reverse into the crowd of people because turning around would just be too impractical.
'Oh.' Naomi says, and looks up. They look at one another for what Emily feels is an unnatural amount of time, before Naomi adds. 'You can sit down, y'know, if you want,' and shrugs, goes back to reading. Emily moves the impossibly large bag off the chair and perches herself rather uncomfortably on it, as to not knock Naomi's legs. (Which are incredibly long, and, well, nice Emily notices.)
'I haven't forgotten,' Naomi murmurs, and it's really hard to tell when she's actually talking to someone, because she doesn't look up from her book much.
'Excuse me?' Emily says, and leans in closer, because the rabble is much too loud.
'I haven't forgotten.'
'About what?'
'About you,' and she looks up just long enough this time; long enough for Emily to see the blue in her eyes.
'It's alright, really,' Emily mutters and holds her hot chocolate awkwardly, as there’s not enough space on the table for her to put it down. It becomes apparent after a few moments of Emily trying to catch Naomi's eye, (only to look away when she looks up from her book,) that Naomi's ability to converse has run dry, and Emily sighs, reaches in her bag and withdraws a book of her own.
'What are you reading?' Emily asks after another long, awkward pause, and Naomi doesn't bother replying verbally, just raises her eyebrows and holds the book cover in the air.
'Oh are you studying politics?' Emily asks, and it is actually kind of hard to keep trying to be nice when Naomi isn't exactly making it very easy.
'No,' Naomi says, and for a moment Emily thinks she's being sarcastic. 'But if I'm going to save the world, I have to start somewhere.'
'Is that what you're going to do then? Save the world...'
'Well someone has to,' she shrugs, and goes back to the book. 'How about you then? What are you studying?' and she says it so quietly Emily has to check to see if she's said anything at all, and she obviously has, judging by that expectant look on her face.
'Oh, erm, Psychology,' Emily nods repeatedly.
'Right,' Naomi says, and looks at her almost suspiciously.
'What?'
'Nothing; it's just nice to meet someone doing a real degree...'
'I'm glad you approve,' Emily mutters dryly, and the resultant smirk on Naomi's face is the closest she's ever seen to her smile.
They both sit in silence, reading their books and sipping their drinks until Naomi stands up.
'As thrilling as this conversation is...' she says, and doesn't finish, just waves quietly, and makes a face like she's trying to smile before walking away.
*
She's invasive; that’s what Emily thinks, one night when she randomly finds herself thinking of Naomi's half-smile, and she’s not able to decide if she either loves it or hates it, because really, Naomi is very good at making Emily feel utterly confused.
*
'Watch where you're fucking going!' Naomi shouts at her, as Emily rounds the corner of the high-street, and they knock shoulders, (or as close to Naomi's shoulders as Emily can reach.) 'Oh - Are you fucking stalking me or something, because you're meant to be inconspicuous,' and she puts her hands on her hips, looks down at Emily.
'No...I...'
'Right,' Naomi sighs, folds her arms, and hikes up her bag. 'Well you'd have to be pretty pathetic to stalk me, so you're probably telling the truth.'
'Thanks,' Emily says mockingly.
'What you in such a rush for anyway?' Naomi asks, pulling a box of cigarettes out of her bag and offering Emily one.
'I'm not,' Emily says quietly, and realises that they're walking, quite fast actually, and she doesn't know where they're going, realises it probably doesn't matter.
'Wouldn't kill you to look where you're going then would it?' Naomi mutters, with the fag dangling out of her mouth limply.
'Well where are you going that's so important that you don't need to use your vision?'
'There's a sale on at Top Shop,' Naomi mutters, pats her pockets down for the lighter.
'You're joking,' Emily says very plainly, and her mouth twitches up at the edge in an involuntary smirk. Naomi smirks back at her as she lights her cigarette, and it reaches her eyes this time, and it's really kind of dazzling.
'Right. Anyway -Voting. I'm going to vote,' she says matter-of-factly and hands Emily the lighter.
'Right,' and Emily doesn't really know what to say to that, because everything that comes out of Naomi's mouth could be construed as some kind of joke, but Emily knew she really meant it when she said she was going to save the world; Emily was sure she didn't mean it in the Captain Planet way. The way she's looking at Emily now is equally serious.
'You are voting aren't you? Because if you don't vote you...'
'Yeah, I'm voting,' and it's not a complete lie because Emily was going to vote anyway, but after the string of all nighters she's just pulled she isn't sure exactly what day it is.
'I know it's only the county elections, but they're just as important, we don't want the BNP getting in, or it'll be Yorkshire all over again, and even then that was a joke, we don't want to crush the entire UK political system under the weight of its own irony. Fuck, am I rambling?'
'Not at all.'
They get to a rather unassuming church hall, and Naomi intimidates the old lady taking their registration cards while Emily looks on and smiles half-heartedly.
They're in and out straight away. Naomi is looking at Emily expectantly when she comes out of the booth.
'You want to know who I voted for,' Emily says coyly and Naomi just shrugs.
'Got something to hide?' Naomi says, cocking an eyebrow, and walking along side her.
'Votes are meant to be private, Naomi. That's why people don't go in twos up.'
Naomi laughs lightly at the idea. 'Suit yourself,' she shrugs, but Emily already knows that it's killing her; learns that Naomi's one of those people then-those people who'll always rather know.
Emily leans forward and whispers her vote into Naomi's ear. Naomi smiles, properly again, and that's just never going to get boring.
'I've got to go,' Naomi says after a while of them walking. 'I'll...I,' She pauses and sighs. 'Bye, Emily.'
And just like that Naomi leaves Emily completely lost, in more ways than one, on a street corner she's never even seen before.
*
The thoughts get harder to shake-off, and it's like she's got some kind of radar now, because she can't stop seeing Naomi everywhere, and obviously they go to the same university, and they're even in the same building, so it’s not impossible, but she's sure she shouldn't be seeing this much of Naomi.
There's things about Naomi she can learn from a distance. Like she doesn't like Thursdays-not that Emily can imagine Naomi particularly liking any day-and it’s because Emily now knows that she's got four lectures in a row; she also knows that she never sees Naomi with anyone, apart from once she saw her shouting at the receptionist but that doesn't exactly make her some sort of social butterfly. The third thing she notices is that Naomi hates small talk; Naomi would rather walk away than waste her time on something so stupid-and she frequently does-but Emily just kind of learns that it's not personal.
She likes knowing these things; supposes she's the only person who's ever bothered to look for them, and it makes her feel how the explorers must have felt, being the first ones to find something strange and precious.
*
Amy drags her to some second year party at someone's house near the town, and it's alright. Nothing like the parties in Bristol, but it's okay, she's just bought loads of MDMA and is waiting for an acceptable time to take it. Amy is a good friend, possibly too good, in the sense that she's everybody's friend, so while she does the rounds Emily waits in the kitchen. The people are making her nervous though-it’s the people or the music, or maybe her fifth vodka and energy drink, but whatever it is, she can't be here.
She slips into one of the “out of bounds” bedrooms silently. Sits on the edge of the bed and sighs, tries to ride it out until the come-up. The door opens, and Emily's already prepared her speech about how she was looking for the toilet when she realises it's Naomi.
'Do you follow me everywhere?' Naomi mutters and closes the door behind her.
'I was here first,' Emily replies.
'Touché.' Naomi sits beside her without bothering to wait for an invitation.
'I didn't expect to see you at one of these,' Emily says quietly, and she doesn't turn to look at Naomi, just sits there with their bare arms almost touching.
'And why is that?' Emily's not sure how to answer. 'No really, tell me I'm intrigued,' Naomi insists, and it sounds bitter but her voice is soft and gentle, just calm.
'I never see you with anyone, not really,' Emily says, and hopes it’s not too obvious, but Naomi's a little bit wasted and if she's noticed she doesn't let on.
'Pfft,' is all Naomi says, and it's not exactly a verbal response. 'I don't integrate well with others, I think my school reports said.' That statement’s followed by a sigh. 'I came with some people from halls, they wouldn't take no for an answer, and five days probably is too long to be hiding in your room.'
There's a long pause.
'What are you hiding from?' Emily asks tentatively, and Naomi just shrugs. ‘You don’t look like a coward.’ Maybe it’s struck a nerve, or maybe she just didn’t hear her, either way she doesn’t respond to it.
'Well here we are, life and soul of the party,' Naomi smirks and Emily giggles. 'Why are you hiding in here anyway, shouldn't you be in the kitchen with all the other cool kids?' Naomi asks sarcastically.
'Pfft,' Emily mimics, 'It's all a bit much...I don't think I'm used to all this yet.'
'Yeah, I get it.' Naomi nods.
'I've got some MDMA,' Emily says pointlessly, just to fill up the silence.
'Yeah?' Naomi says, and sounds a little bit intrigued.
'That was an offer, Naomi,' Emily adds, and conceals her smile, though it's far too dark to see anyway.
They snort it quickly off the back of an economics text book on the bedside table.
There's a terrible sense of waiting, waiting for something to happen, and as the MDMA slowly makes its way to Emily's brain there's a definite sense of anticipation and limitless possibility. Emily doesn't know to what she's meant to assign this fluttering feeling in her stomach to, though; because it simply doesn't feel like something chemical, and she's grasping at some memory where she's felt something similar but she just keeps coming up short.
'It's good,' Naomi says, in an assessment of absolutely nothing.
Emily's not sure she can blame the drugs for something she would probably do anyway, but it's not like they didn't give her a nudge in the right direction.
She kisses Naomi, and it’s shy and quiet, and a million other things Emily can’t think of words for. Naomi pulls back, and looks for a moment like she is about to say something, and Emily wills her to stay silent before either of them start to regret anything. Naomi shakes her head rather subtly and then kisses her back, just like that.
Emily is aware that she's trapping Naomi, that the angle at which they're doing this is enough for it and she's scared for innumerate reasons: because all this is still a bit new, because it feels so unsafe and fragile, because this isn't what a first kiss should feel like - though Emily learned a long time ago not to put too much store in the way things “should” turn out.
'What are you doing? Get out!' Someone yells; when they look up Emily thinks it's the owner of the room, whoever he is, and he's furious. They both shuffle past awkwardly and Naomi heads straight for the front door.
'Naomi, wait...I,' Emily calls and stretches to grab her arm, or something, anything just to tell her...Tell her what is completely irrelevant. It's just as well that Emily never catches her, because Emily's not sure how she would finish that sentence, isn’t sure what she has to say.
Emily thinks about Naomi running away, minutes from coming up on MDMA and it just makes her feel sad, more than anything.
Amy hands her the bottle of Kola Kubes, and then they play Ring of Fire until all of it-Naomi, that kiss-goes away.
----
Emily forgets about it for a while, for long enough, anyway until she ends up waiting for the same lift as Naomi.
'Hello,' Naomi says plainly.
'Hi,' Emily says, and they just stand next to each other. The only thing even indicating that they even know each other is Naomi has already pressed the button for Emily's floor, and even then it's the same one Naomi studies on, so even that's probably a coincidence.
'Look, sorry,' Emily begins, and it's a blatant lie, because she's not sorry in the slightest, but she does feel a little guilty about ambushing Naomi, and she needs to say something. 'It was just the MDMA, sorry, I didn't mean to upset you...'
'You didn't upset me,' Naomi says far too quickly for that to be truthful, either.
'Right, well. Sorry anyway, I don't want to ruin our...budding friendship,' Emily says mockingly, and she doesn't like it, as a rule, all this hiding behind jokes, but she can't say anything else without running the risk of Naomi fleeing the scene again, and she just wants to sort this.
'True, who will pay my library fines?' Emily knows Naomi's smirking even though they're not facing one another.
'And if they do ever enforce the twos-up voting rule, I don't want to be the only one on my own,' Emily adds.
'I'm so glad we had this talk,' Naomi says abruptly when the doors open. 'See you around, Emily.'
Emily wonders if that's another lie too.
----
Emily's hung up on the kiss, far too much for such a ridiculous kiss-and it was ridiculous, up in an out-of-bounds bedroom, almost falling off some stranger’s bed.
There was something about it though, something sickeningly intoxicating, something about the taste, the softness of her lips, the need in Naomi’s eyes.
There was something about it Emily's not sure she wants to let go of.
----
Both Naomi and Emily get jobs in the library, and Emily wonders absently when she sees Naomi at her induction if it means they will be spending more time with each other. It doesn't, as it turns out-they're in different departments, on different floors, on different shift patterns.
It's like the kiss didn't even happen (which Emily supposes is Naomi's intention) when Naomi hands over a stack of books at the end of her shift and tells Emily that they're from her floor and they need putting away.
Emily can't help herself sometimes, deliberately puts a book in the wrong place just so she'll have an excuse to go and talk to Naomi, and if Naomi realises what Emily’s doing, she doesn't say anything.
'How are you?' Emily says quietly, dropping a few books off onto the right trolley.
'Fine, thanks,' Naomi responds and rolls her eyes.
'Oh fuck it. Can you please stop being deliberately awkward? Because the last time I got caught kissing a girl I practically lost my sister, and I like you, Naomi-god knows why-but I do like being around you sometimes, when you're not being a total tit... and if I was trying to bed you-which I'm not-I'm certainly going the wrong way about it, because there are hundreds of other girls at this university, and so far most of them have been nicer to me than you have...' Emily says this practically all in one breath, no louder than a whisper, and it leaves her feeling like she'll never talk again.
'Right,' Naomi says, after a long, awkward pause. 'Well you can meet me after your shift finishes, at the SU cafe if you like,' she adds, with a shrug, like Emily's not got through to her at all, but Emily already knows that's not true, and smiles to herself as she walks down the stairs; living with Katie, she's learned to latch on to the tiny victories.
----
Naomi's wearing a hat and scarf and is sat on the only table left outside, and Emily can't tell if she's smoking or her breath is turning to vapour for a moment, until Naomi takes an exaggerated draw on her cigarette. She then slides the packet over the table wordlessly to Emily, who takes a cigarette, despite not really wanting one that much, knowing that Naomi's not the kind of person to offer, well, anything lightly-and so she takes what she can get.
'We going in?' Emily asks when they’re done, crushing her fag in the ash-tray.
'Nope,' Naomi says and stands up. 'We're just meeting here, didn't know if you'd know where the Secret Garden was,' Naomi explains, and Emily's fairly sure that the look of bewilderment on her face has answered Naomi's query for her.
'Secret Garden?'
'It's a coffee shop - We're sure as fuck not going in the SU, their coffee isn't even fair trade. Who doesn't have fair-trade stock? Even Lidl are fair-trade these days.'
'That's terrible, really?' and it is terrible, but she mainly just wants to squeeze more conversation out of Naomi while she still can.
And these moments shouldn't feel so fleeting, she shouldn't feel the need to be hunting for these tiny things that may not even last, but Emily likes her, in the simplest way she knows how to like someone; she just wishes she knew why, sometimes-that might be nice.
'Don't worry, I'm on it,' Naomi says, and it's the most determined she's sounded since Emily's met her, and it makes Emily feel strangely safe; she realizes would quite like to vote for Naomi in the next election, just to get things done right.
'Well it's all organic, fair-trade, what-have-you,' Naomi mumbles, standing up and making to walk in the opposite direction. 'I want a chai tea, not a crushing sense of Western Guilt.'
Emily almost wants to laugh sometimes, how someone can be so opinionated on some things and just so damn scared about others; because it's not like Emily doesn't know Naomi's scared, because that parts obvious. It's just what exactly she's scared of that has Emily's mind reeling.
Naomi smirks when Emily doesn’t immediately react. That was a joke apparently-or something like it.
'You make a habit of it then, kissing girls at parties?' Naomi asks after they've just passed the gate to the park.
'It's kind of a requirement when you turn gay; they make you sign a contract,' Emily says dryly, and Naomi laughs.
'So you're gay then.'
'Yeah I am,' Emily says quite fiercely.
'And how’s that working out for you?' Naomi asks quietly.
'I'm inherently happy, and I'm also pretty and witty or something,' Emily grins. 'And no, I don't make a habit of it, since the first time I kissed a girl at a party was even worse than your little disappearing act...' - And Emily's glad she's broached it properly now, it's more than a fucking relief to know that she can at least try and make light of a bad situation.
Emily's pretty proud of her fantastic acceptance of rejection - at the very least it's a practical life skill.
'How could it be worse?' Naomi wonders.
'My sister caught us, threw a fit and wouldn't talk to me for about a month,' Emily says, and there's enough distance there now so it doesn't feel like a monumental stab in the back any more at least.
'What did the girl do?' Naomi asks, and she sounds partially interested.
'Denied the whole thing,' and maybe it feels just a little bit like being stabbed in the back.
'Harsh,' Naomi says simply, before squinting in thought a moment, and adding; 'I don't think I could do that,' and she tries to make it an offhand remark, idly folding a receipt for something in her hands.
'Yeah, well apparently I'll only kiss people who are cowardly little shits,' Emily says, and tries to forget about the time before she came to uni, before she kissed that girl, when Emily wasn't just a cowardly little shit, she was the leader of the cowardly little shits. 'No offence,' she adds, a little unwillingly.
'None taken,' Naomi mutters. 'I'm not, though. A coward, I mean.'
'Clearly,' Emily says, and she's not being sarcastic, because it's obvious that Naomi is brave in some ways, and Emily honestly doesn't know if they're the ways that count, or the ways that don't matter at all. That’s when she spots a familiar face.
'Amy, hi,' she says; then freezes. She belatedly realises she should probably not tense up because it's just making her look guilty, when she has nothing to feel guilty about.
'Hi Emily,' Amy smiles, and then gives a cursory glance at Naomi who is basically pretending that she's just not fucking there at all.
'What are you up to?' Amy asks, when no additional information is forthcoming, and it's clear she was going for friendly, but it's just plain accusatory.
'Coffee-long shift at the library,' and Emily tries to tell Amy to fuck off home with just her eyes, because it's not good her being here while Naomi's here, and every word she says is something akin to breaking a twig and scaring Naomi away.
'Right, well see you when you get home,' Amy says, wrapping a scarf round herself, 'Bye,' she says, to both of them.
Naomi and Emily carry on walking.
'Who's she?'
'Oh, she's my house mate,' Emily says, and pulls her coat into herself tighter, trying to brave the literal and metaphorical chill in the air.
----
'It's all nice, but that's probably the nicest,' Naomi says, and hands her a mug of something or another.
'Oh,' Emily says, because she probably could have ordered herself; Naomi must have just got tired of Emily staring at the chalk-board or something.
‘I got you shortbread,’ Naomi says rather abruptly after a considerable silence, and Emily feels strangely victorious-she bets that the number of people Naomi has bought shortbread for in her life, Emily could probably count on one hand.
‘Thanks,’ Emily says partially brightly and sighs at her plate.
‘So we’re even now,’ Naomi mumbles and nods at the coffee.
‘Technically, I owe you for the shortbread,’ Emily says taking a bite.
‘I’m never going to be able to get rid of you now, am I?’ Naomi says, and narrows her eyes at Emily, like she’s appraising her or something.
Emily shakes her head deliberately, keeps observing Naomi to see just what she's appraising Emily for.
‘I clearly didn’t think this through,’ Naomi says with this look of dread on her face that is only betrayed by her mouth twitching up at the edges.
‘Obviously,’ Emily shrugs, and looks up from her cup to meet Naomi’s eyes, they smile back momentarily before she diverts her attention to tugging on the hem of her coat.
The walk back is bitterly cold, but Emily thinks it was thoroughly worth it because that was the nicest chai latte she's ever had. She's not about to tell Naomi it is the only chai latte she's ever had; it seems inconsequential.
They stop outside Emily's halls in silence.
'Well,' Naomi says, then just stops, like someone flicked the off switch.
'I could walk you home, if you like?' Emily says, and realises she's going to get shot down long before it actually happens; and shot down from what exactly? It's no great loss for Emily if she doesn't have to walk nearly another twenty minutes in the opposite direction in the freezing cold, so she doesn't know why it feels like a loss, however small.
'No, just,' Naomi sighs, and looks at her own hands expectantly. 'I can find my own way back, thanks.' Then she gives Emily this ridiculously pitying look, and fuck her, really; Emily doesn't need anyone's pity.
'Goodnight Emily,' Naomi says, with a biting air of finality, and scuffs her shoe on the doorstep.
'Yeah, night,' Emily responds flatly, and quells the urge to fucking throttle her right then until she's up the stairs and in her flat, where she's surprised to find the urge has gone, and has been replaced with something else entirely.
'Sorry for interrupting your date,' Amy says from the kitchen, and Emily sits down at the kitchen table and rubs her temples tiredly.
'It wasn't a date...It was a...Well I don't know what it was, but it wasn't a date,' Emily sighs, and nods when Amy wordlessly points to the kettle.
'Do you like her?' Amy says, and she's deliberately avoiding Emily's gaze and locking eyes with the counter-top.
'She's alright, I suppose,' because words have failed her; there doesn't seem to be much of a relation between the thoughts in her head, and the quivering in her gut in regards to Naomi anyway, so it's as fair an assessment as any.
'Stacy says she's a total psycho, called their lecturer a “wretched insignificant flap of foreskin” in the middle of a lecture and stormed out, and she had to get special written permission to be let back in,' Amy says, gossiping being one of her only immediate flaws.
'She's not that bad,' Emily says, and is only a little surprised to find she means it; she's smirking slightly thinking about Naomi's outburst.
'Defending her?' Amy says with a cocked eyebrow.
'Maybe,' Emily sighs into her tea-cup and watches Amy leave the room, and realises the question of whether or not she is defending Naomi isn't even important; just why she thinks she might defend Naomi.
----
Emily would be able to understand it if they had kissed again, or they had shared any kind of prolonged physical contact (other than that moment on the walk there when their hands touched and Emily may as well have been on fire, because Naomi couldn't have acted more burned) and she'd even understand it if they had talked about anything substantial, but this kind of brush-off is unprecedented. She feels ridiculous for even thinking for a moment that any of this would be easy.
She can’t help but wonder what she actually did wrong, if this is a blame thing, if she can find the root and cut it out-if she can fix this. No, apparently.
She doesn't even realise anything's wrong the first time; presumes that they are at least on speaking terms since their, whatever-it wasn't a date. She walks over and says “hi” to Naomi in library, and Naomi looks visibly horrified-as though Emily had told her that she was secretly a man or something-and walks away so briskly that another library assistant tells her to slow down in the corridors.
The second time she catches Naomi, she's waiting for the lift, and Emily says “hello” again, and waits in the queue; and it seems to have worked, or at the very least Naomi didn't hear her, until the door pings open and as they're getting in Naomi has a change of heart and heads in the opposite direction. Emily watches Naomi's legs sprint up the stairs as the lift doors close.
Third time Naomi sees her coming, catches her eye fleetingly on the pathway towards each other, and when it becomes quite apparent that someone’s going to have to at least step aside to let the other past, Naomi jogs away awkwardly over a ridiculously steep grass verge.
That's it. Emily says to herself, because she's been more than fucking tolerant and this girl clearly has issues if she off-roads just to avoid Emily.
She's done, either way, she's had quite enough.
----
It's not exactly hard to stop thinking about Naomi, but it's really not that easy either. Emily would be able to understand it if they had at least fucked at some point, but that train of thought stops at her feeling ashamed and sweaty with a hand down the front of her pyjama pants on a sleepless night.
There's a reason surrendering doesn't ever feel like winning.
----
She'll live, she tells herself, and it's a stupid crush, and she's never been very good at letting stupid crushes go-not like her sister who's Queen of the Fuck & Run. Emily as always been smitten for anyone who shows her the slightest bit of attention, and now, apparently, she’s also smitten for the ones who don't.
Emily's over it, over her; that girl with the blue eyes and the shortest, most volatile fuse, that always made Emily feel as though she was holding a lit match.
Amy takes her out to get smashed, and it works a treat really. They do a test-tube rack of shots each, and Emily gets talking to some blonde girl who she keeps buying drinks for just to shut her up. They kiss all night, and almost fuck in the toilet cubicles before Emily panics and bolts, then grabs Amy by the arm and yanks her out the front door before she's even finished her drink.
She honestly doesn't know what she's doing.
----
'Door,' Amy says through the crook of Emily's open bedroom door and raises her eyebrow suggestively, though Emily doesn't have a clue what she's suggesting.
'Oh,' Emily says blankly when Naomi's at the door of the flat just stood there, looking solemn and tiny.
'Hi,' Naomi says flatly.
'Yeah, hi,' Emily responds, still not really believing that Naomi is there, that Naomi was the one that sought her out.
'Come to this,' Naomi says and it doesn't sound like either a question or a statement, so Emily doesn't really know what to do with the situation, until Naomi thrusts a leaflet in her hand. Emily takes a cursory glance at it and looks up.
'Right,' Emily says tiredly, because she's not much in the mood for playing any games.
'I'm trying to get my numbers up, make more of an impact y'know?' Naomi says, and of course that's what it is; like Naomi would want her for something other than a numbers game.
'Oh, so you don't want me to go, you just need me to go,' Emily says tiredly, and shifts her weight onto one hip to look more annoyed-something she stole off Katie and it works a treat.
Naomi stammers uncomfortably for a moment, and then takes a deep breath. 'I'd like you to come,' Naomi finally says, semi-clearly. Message received either way.
Emily looks at the flyer, and smirks. 'Ban the bean?'
'It's catchy...'
'Whatever, just don't make me hold any signs up-people might get the wrong idea, and it's hard enough trying to get a girlfriend as it is,' Emily says.
Naomi laughs easily. 'Deal,' she says, and manages to shake Emily's hand without looking like it's going to give her leprosy.
'Come in,' Emily suggests after taking a minute to realise that Naomi isn't actually going anywhere. 'Tea?' She adds after Naomi shuts the door behind herself.
Naomi nods.
'Go in,' Emily says gesturing to her open door, 'rifle though my stuff-I’m used to it,' she adds and is thankful that she at least keeps her room partway clean-that Katie was the messy one.
----
Emily stops before entering the room with the tea, and watches as Naomi looks at her bookshelf; she's holding a picture of her and Katie at some stupid college party from around the time her and Katie still dressed vaguely alike. Naomi looks up, and flinches slightly at Emily's sudden presence, but then just smiles out of one side of her mouth.
'You didn't say you were a twin,' she says quietly, taking the mug from Emily. It shocks Emily that she hasn't actually said she was a twin, and she thinks back to just a few months ago when that would have been a completely ludicrous notion.
'Oh, well-that’s Katie, and the matching bows were her idea.'
Naomi snorts. Emily sits on the bed and puts her CD player on. Naomi looks cautious at the idea of sitting on Emily's bed, but it's fucking halls for Christ's sake, there's no where else to sit.
'Tell me something,' Emily says after a silence. I's not exactly an uncomfortable silence, but Emily tires of it quickly, needs some kind of verbal interaction.
'Like what?'
'Something about you.'
'Oh,' Naomi first says quietly, and then she obliges.
It's the start of something, their tiny and covert exchanges of information that are equally initiated and practically turn-based. Emily learns things about Naomi, sometimes little things, like her favourite colour (green,) and other times big things (like how she felt when her dad left,). It bothers Emily very little that these exchanges are so brief and tentative; she's a gardener, she has the patience to watch something grow.
Within a week she's learned enough about Naomi to realise that something else, that’s not entirely welcome is happening too, and wonders if she has the strength or inclination to stop it.
----
It’s bloody freezing and Emily wishes she had brought a scarf or gloves or just anything that might stop all the heat from leaving her body because it’s getting dark quick and she doesn’t know if she can actually get any colder.
‘Here,’ Naomi says quietly and hands her a thermos of tea. ‘It’s all fair trade don’t worry,’ Naomi adds.
Emily smirks at her and sips from the flask dutifully. ‘Good idea.’
‘I have my moments,’ Naomi grins briefly, but then sighs. ‘Well this is a fucking turn out for the books isn’t it?’
‘It’s not a bad turn out,’ Emily says and looks around, and there are quite a few people there, maybe not a mob, but it’s a sizeable crowd.
‘Are you fucking joking? It’s hardly the G20 Protests is it?’
‘Well I’d be worried if the entire student population decided to go into mass anarchy over some coffee beans.’
‘Thanks for backing this cause with all your strength,’ Naomi mutters sarcastically and rolls her eyes in an entirely affectionate way.
The University director comes out and in a spectacularly anti-climactic way pulls Naomi aside, mutters something to her, and tells the group to go home.
‘He said next time to write him a letter - well it worked didn’t it? He’s changing the supplier on Monday,’ Naomi shrugs it all off, but she looks fiercely accomplished anyway, and god, it’s attractive.
‘C’mon,’ Emily says as they’re still standing there and neither of them have thought to move. ‘We’ll go get chips or something-or at least fucking hold the chips, my fingers are freezing off.’
‘I imagine they’re quite useful to you as well, y’know, being such a massive lesbian,’ Naomi smirks, as they finally start walking.
‘Ruining my fingers and making me stand next to a Ban The Bean sign, you’re sabotaging sex life,’ Emily points out.
Naomi doesn’t say anything and Emily wonders if talking about is maybe one of the things they don’t talk about, but haven’t actually talked about not talking about yet. Naomi is hard work sometimes; she has a lot of rules about things Emily would never think to assign guidelines to, but then Emily constantly reminds herself that hard work reaps rewards.
It makes her feel a little better to tell herself that her rapid onset devotion to Naomi was born out of a good work ethic.
‘I know somewhere where they don’t cook with beef fat - Amy’s a vegetarian.’
‘Fuck that, really,’ Naomi smiles and lights another fag.
‘I thought you’d be a lentil lover,’ Emily adds and steals a cigarette from Naomi’s box without asking. Naomi looks slightly shocked but then just smiles at Emily one of her rare unguarded smiles and Emily would be lying if she said she didn’t melt a little inside.
‘Not a euphemism I take it,’ Naomi smirks and blows a cloud of smoke into Emily’s face, forcing her to grimace uncontrollably through her grin. ‘Nah, well people have too many problems themselves y’know-once we’ve sorted all that out, well then I can start on the animals.’
‘Jesus, you’re a right sensitive cunt aren’t you?’
‘Oh, well I was going to suggest we eat some kittens for dessert but that’s probably not a goer,’ Naomi rolls her eyes to punctuate her point.
She buys Emily her chips as a thank you for coming, and Emily has to clamp down on those fucking ridiculous butterflies that spring to life when she thinks of these moments that only she and Naomi share.
They sit on a wall together kicking their feet and eating mostly in silence.
‘Fancy going halves on a bottle of shit vodka, and really celebrating?’ Naomi asks with a shrug, crumpling up her chip paper.
‘Only if it’s fair trade vodka,’ Emily smirks.
‘Don’t be a prick Ems,’ Naomi says, and the abbreviation makes Emily smile unwillingly.
----
Amy finds them doing shots out of the vodka lid on the kitchen floor.
‘Hello ladies,’ she says, sidestepping them both. Emily can tell Amy’s drunk because all she does is open the fridge door, sit between her and Naomi and start eating slices of ham straight from the packet. ‘I spilled a cherry VK down my top so I thought I’d come home and change…hi,’ she says in Naomi’s direction, and far from ignoring her Naomi smiles back at her dumbly and says hi, and it makes Emily feel strangely sober, so she strangles the feeling with another vodka shot.
Emily watches Amy carefully, to make sure she doesn’t say anything stupid, but Amy’s not the sharpest tool in the box and after a good half an hour of everyone talking on the kitchen floor she’s managed to not say anything embarrassing.
‘Want to come to a party?’ Amy asks them both, consulting her phone, and Emily just looks at Naomi hopefully who does a slow nod before polishing off the rest of the vodka from the bottle. They get a taxi to the party because it’s far too cold to be walking for half an hour in the sleet. Amy swans off to meet someone the second they arrive, and leaves Naomi and Emily alone; it doesn’t bother Emily so much anymore, their being left unattended. They’ve gotten much better at it, are learning how to be around each other, and all it has taken is time and patience, both of which Emily’s got mountains of.
It’s the kind of party Emily expects Naomi to hate; she’s not that keen on it herself, as it’s extremely loud and she’s not drunk enough yet, but Naomi just gamely disappears into the kitchen and comes back with a can of lager for her. A few minutes later Amy brings them some pills that Naomi takes dutifully.
‘Not going to kiss me again are you?’ Naomi says and shoots Emily a ridiculously cocky grin (which Emily ruefully admits might actually be very attractive) before swallowing the first pill with a gulp of lager.
‘Don’t kiss me back and we’ve got a deal,’ Emily mutters, trying to salvage what little pride she has left. They spend their time in the kitchen with Amy, doing jelly shots and talking, and Naomi is actually having a real conversation with Amy and hasn’t said anything more than slightly sarcastic. Emily tries her hardest to not look like she’s expecting hell to freeze over at any moment.
Sometimes their hands touch and Naomi doesn’t pull away, and that and the drugs makes her feel like her feet can’t hold her up; then she sways and Naomi puts her hand on the small of Emily’s back and she feels so fucking happy for a brief moment.
Then, a lot of things happen at once.
There’s a bang and someone shouts “Police!” and Naomi grabs Emily so tightly by the wrist that her knuckles turn white, and people start scrambling for the door, and Emily almost gets lost in the crowd a few times but Naomi is there persistently tugging at her until they’re in the back alley, and then they’re running. It’s freezing and Emily’s not wearing a coat, and they run until Emily has to dig her heels in.
They stop short a few streets over.
‘I’ve still got the fucking pills haven’t I?’ Naomi laughs between haggard breaths; she rests her hands on her own knees to get her lungs full again. Emily would like to point out about a thousand things wrong with the situation until Naomi just smiles at her and Emily can’t remember a single one of them, typically. It starts to piss down and Emily’s running again before she knows it, but this time Naomi is holding her hand instead of her wrist and it’s so much softer, and they’re both laughing at how ridiculous this whole situation is.
They’re soaked before they’re anywhere near either of their halls.
‘Mine,’ Emily says breathlessly, ‘it’s nearer.’ And Naomi squeezes her hand to tell her that the message has been received and they run to her halls.
‘I’m not getting any dryer,’ Naomi huffs, as Emily fumbles with the keys with her cold hands, and she drops them twice before Naomi takes Emily’s hands in her own, mutters ‘Cold,’ and smiles gently. Then, she takes the keys and opens the door, and it’s touching, on-purpose touching, which Emily knows is the best kind of touching. They walk up the stairs slowly, Emily is kind of weighed down by her sodden jeans, and they both leave little puddles on the lino as they walk. Naomi shudders exaggeratedly when they get in the door, and Emily runs into her room, kicks her laundry under the bed and shouts Naomi in.
‘I’ll get you a towel, two minutes,’ Emily says and goes into her bathroom and attempts to get out of her clothes, but they’re clinging to her like she’s just tried to swim the fucking channel rather than just got caught in a winter shower.
‘Ems, where’s the towel? I-’ Naomi starts to ask, walking into the bathroom without knocking, and Emily just stands there because she doesn’t know what to fucking do, other than stand there; after a moment, she tries not to stare too obviously at Naomi’s fucking bare skin, before the thought of covering herself up even crosses her mind.
‘Oh,’ Naomi says quietly and tilts her head inquisitively. Naomi takes a step forward and takes the towel out of Emily’s hands. She dries her own hair with it, and Emily watches, biting her lip and not daring to move. Naomi smiles and throws the towel over Emily’s head and ruffles her hair until it’s dry, and it’s dark and noisy before Naomi stops, pulls the towel away and looks at her. She’s definitely not smiling this time; she’s just bunched her mouth up to the side.
Emily looks up from a wet blood-red fringe and locks eyes with her, and Naomi takes a step forward again and they collide, and they’re kissing again, and it’s every bit as fragile and breakable as it was the first time.
Her hands are still raised in the air like tiny useless wings and she stretches forward slowly, rests her fingers on one of Naomi’s hips and when she doesn’t immediately withdraw, Emily places her other hand on Naomi’s waist. It’s not that much of a kiss really; Emily knows there are girls who give this kind of kissing up straight away, but part of the clenching in her chest stems from having earned this. They stumble, Naomi backward, Emily forward, and Naomi braces her, but pulls back and Emily thinks this is it, the moment she has finally broken this irreparably. It’s not, as it turns out - It’s progress, it’s funny really, how similar they both feel.
Naomi wraps and arm around Emily’s back and slowly looks at her.
‘Say something,’ Naomi says, and it’s so tender and unsure that Emily just smiles softly.
‘Do I still owe you for the shortbread?’ Emily says after a deep breath, and Naomi just lets out a breathy laugh and looks at Emily, uses her eyes to urge Emily to do something. Emily’s a little bit drunk and a little bit dizzy and high from the pills still, and she’s not really sure if she’s being reassuring in the slightest, but it works anyway when Emily leans in again and Naomi lets her - Like Naomi only comes with two options; fight or surrender, and the desperate way her eyes glaze over as she bites Emily’s lip has never been a bigger white flag.
Naomi tugs her backwards and kicks the door open with her foot and it’s so accomplished and sexy that Emily smiles into the kiss and all it serves to do is make her want this more, and she didn’t know that was possible. Naomi puts her hands around Emily’s waist, palms to her back and pulls her into Emily’s bed room, and it’s really clumsy, height difference and all and Emily stumbles a lot, and Naomi spins her round and Emily absently thinks it’s a bit like ballroom dancing and then Naomi leans in and forces her backward a little more and the bed knocks her knees out from under her and the physics of it all takes over and she’s underneath Naomi who is still kissing her.
They’re on the bed, and Naomi hasn’t stopped and Emily can’t actually enjoy herself because she knows that this could be it. She knows it could end at any moment, and it’s ruining this, this fucking cloud over everything - it’s breaking her. Then she realises it’s been breaking her all along - she’s going to shatter and she’s going to salt the earth.
Emily flips her over, and other than a surprised little moan, she doesn’t respond any differently at all, and it’s a little like wrestling for control at first, and to Emily’s surprise it’s Naomi who changes the pace and unhooks Emily’s bra in one motion, and Emily does an unsure little smile before starting something she’s going to have to finish and begins kissing down Naomi’s body, and it’s cold and damp from the rain still and it’s one of the strangest sensations she’s ever come across.
It’s something like terror, when she slowly tugs on Naomi’s elastic waist band, and suddenly Naomi’s naked and Emily is hovering over her and holding her breath and waiting for something, anything. Naomi tangles her hand into Emily’s hair and it’s the starting gun to all of this and Emily drags the pad of her tongue across Naomi’s clit slowly - The resulting wriggle is better than Emily could have hoped for and she grins to herself, before doing it all over again. It feels like the first time, Emily notes, the careful apprehension of it all and that sinking feeling in her gut that’s filling her with dread as well as just making her really wet. None of this was there with that other girl the summer before, it was devoid of everything but purpose - it was just a test.
It’s like a conversation, Emily thinks as she slips a finger inside, and Naomi is just so fucking responsive she doesn’t know what to do at first. Naomi’s never been this responsive to anything, and the way she bucks towards Emily’s face and hands and craves her on some base level; it’s like a thousand conversations they never bothered to have, and now Emily knows this is how you reach her, this is how she communicates.
It’s over shockingly quickly, and Emily feels something a little bit like pride as she slides back up Naomi’s body and Naomi pulls her into a somewhat apprehensive kiss, and Emily watches as Naomi smiles very carefully before her eye lids flutter shut and she falls asleep. Emily waits for her breathing to even out before relaxing enough herself to even try; it works eventually, but the sensation of Naomi’s hand draped across her waist is actually quite distracting.
----
Naomi kicks over a teacup, from a pile of unwashed dishes on the floor, and it makes an enormous clang which forces Emily awake with a start. Naomi looks like she has been caught in the middle of a crime, and she may as well have been, really. She says nothing but she turns and faces Emily and her lips move but no sound comes out. And Emily is so full of anger she can’t think of anything to say, she can’t even really comprehend that Naomi is going to do this to her, and she wants to stop her, searches for the words, the actions, anything…
Then Emily closes her eyes once and opens them again, looks directly at Naomi and says it with her eyes instead. She’s learned enough to know that you can’t make someone stay, no matter how much you want it. If you love something let it go, she thinks to herself and squeezes her eyes shut. When she opens them, Naomi has gone.
The next time she sees Naomi it’s in the library and they lock eyes and it’s unbelievably awkward and sad and Emily allows her mouth to twitch into a fleeting smile that never makes it to her eyes before Naomi walks away. Naomi shows up at her door that night, kisses her roughly as soon as she answers, and she’s drunk, her tongue tastes vaguely alcoholic, Emily thinks before all thoughts are knocked from her brain as Naomi rather hungrily unbuttons Emily’s shirt, pulls down her skirt. They fall onto the bed, and Emily knows she should probably stop this, but knowing something and taking action are at two ends of the spectrum Emily can’t bring herself to cross.
Naomi’s rather deliberate in bed, like her moves are pre-orchestrated, like she’s thought about doing these things to Emily before, and Christ, it gets her unbelievably wet, and Naomi makes this incredibly satisfied noise when she discovers this and Emily moves into her and as premeditated as it is, it’s rougher than Emily thought it would be and she has to try extremely hard to keep her noises inside but they escape anyway with each thrust of Naomi’s fingers. Naomi uses her palm to hover over Emily’s clit and applies pressure, her fingers and the natural rhythm bring Emily off pretty effortlessly, and she clutches at Naomi’s shirt; presses a breathless kiss to her collarbone, before collapsing.
‘I’m…I’m sorry,’ Naomi says very quietly and gets her shoes and leaves, actually just leaves Emily there, again. Emily feels a lot of things at once, and they revert and she feels hollow and starts to cry, and her tears sting terribly. She throws a teacup at the wall just to watch it shatter, and Amy finds her crying in her bed sheet.
Part 2: