remembering the past...
i was watching grey's anatomy tonight and it made me vividly remember some things...the last day my grandmother was alive...the day we put my first dog down...the day i found out josh died...
it's weird that certain situations can throw you back in time.
i was 16 and emory (my dog) was almost my age in human years. we got him when i was little and we grew up together, so to speak. he was old for a dog and he lived well, but he was not doing well. we had taken him to the vet a couple of times that month and the doctors said he was not suffering so we would take him home. but we could tell that he wasn't and we made the decision to put him down. this was the first time that i really had to deal with death close to me. so we were gonna do it on a saturday morning and i had to babysit. well i went to babysit and the entire time i was there i was thinkning about emory and everything i did with him -- playing in the back yard, taking walks, chasing him around the neighborhood when he got out (we were similar like that, we don't like to be confined)...i came home ready to say goodbye and cried for hours. mom and dad took him to the vet to have him put down and anna and i stayed home and i sat on the sofa and stared out the window praying that it was just a nightmare and emory was coming back, but sadly he wasn't. i would hear him barking in the basement for weeks after it happened, and sometimes i still do.
the next time was when my grandfather died my junior year in high school. it was very unexpected and my mom and her brother didn't make it down there before it happened. school was out the next day, so my sister, dad, aunt and cousins drove down to meet my mom and uncle and plan the funeral. we cleaned most of his stuff out of the house so it wouldn't remind my grandmother of him too much. they were married for over 50 years. more than half of their lives they had each other. and hadn't really been apart. until now. i spent the summer with my grandmother in florida and as the days and weeks went on, she began to get sick. she was dying without her husband, her companion in life was gone and she was leaving. we could all tell, but none of us wanted it to happen. as the summer went on she got sicker and began to withdrawl from life. she was making her exit. she lasted until april. she helped me pick out my senior prom dress but never got to see me leave for prom in it. it was april 20, 2002 and i was doing my first catering job for a neighbors open house. she was getting paler by the day and we knew we didn't have a lot of time with her. mom called the ambulance to take her to the hospital and as she was leaving she wished me luck on the job and waved as the fireman carried her to the ambulance. i told her that i would see her later cause she had been in and out of the hospital about a dozen times since she moved in with us. i told her i loved her as mom climbed into the ambulance to go with her. we went to the er and they told us where she was and as we got to that room it was empty -- she was gone. she had gone to be with the only person that she couldn't live without, literally. they were soulmates and they belonged together. but it wasn't fair, not for us at all. when i saw the empty room i fell to the floor, i knew her suffering was over an dfor that i was more than glad, but i wanted more time with her, it may have been selfish, but i wanted her to see me graduate. i watned to hear more stories about when she was in the war, more stuff about my mom and uncle when they were little. the time i spent with her that summer was amazing, i got to know my grandmother more, i got to know her as a person and not just as the mother of my mom. but it was her time as they say and i had to except that. we went back to sarasota and had the funeral and cleaned out the house and made arrangements to sell the house. i loved that house, i don't think i could ever go back there though, i couldn't handle to see it any different than it was -- it's lost it's charm, my grandparents were the spark of that neighborhood. and now the spark is gone. and i think part of me went with her. she would have been 86 august the 8th.
last april i found out in the same day that a friend of mine had lukemia and that he died. i'd known josh for years. we went to summer camp together from elementary school through middle school. he was s guy that i could talk to. i kept him a secret from most people cause at times he was too good to be true and i didn't want to share him. there were times that weren't so great, we hadn't spoken for a few years, but somehow we both knew that if the other needed, we would drop anything and come help. he left me a letter that his sister sent me after he died. he explained that he didn't want to tell me cause he thought it would upset me too much; we were just patching things up and had begun talking again and he didn't want to ruin that. it was a double edged sword -- on the one hand i didn't have to go through all the questions and concearns that i always have (you know what i mean) but on the other hand i wish he had told me so that i would have known that something was wrong. ultimatley it was his decision and i respect it, but maybe i would have gotten to see him one last time. but you can't change the past. but everything happens for a reason. they say that something good always comes out of a tragedy and i don't know if i agree, but his sister is now persuing medicine, his brother named his 5th child after him...at least we were on good terms when he left this world. he would have been 24 in july. too bad he isn't here now.
i don't know why i wrote this, but watching that television show and some other thigs that have been going on, mainly three of my friends losing either their mother or father in the last three months...i just had to write down what i felt. i don't tell people things too often and i guess this is a way of letting people in on some things...i've been told by more than a few people that i hold in too much and that one day i'm going to explode and that may be true, but for right now this works...
time to go to bed...maymester starts at 8am tomorrow! oh boy! night.
it's weird that certain situations can throw you back in time.
i was 16 and emory (my dog) was almost my age in human years. we got him when i was little and we grew up together, so to speak. he was old for a dog and he lived well, but he was not doing well. we had taken him to the vet a couple of times that month and the doctors said he was not suffering so we would take him home. but we could tell that he wasn't and we made the decision to put him down. this was the first time that i really had to deal with death close to me. so we were gonna do it on a saturday morning and i had to babysit. well i went to babysit and the entire time i was there i was thinkning about emory and everything i did with him -- playing in the back yard, taking walks, chasing him around the neighborhood when he got out (we were similar like that, we don't like to be confined)...i came home ready to say goodbye and cried for hours. mom and dad took him to the vet to have him put down and anna and i stayed home and i sat on the sofa and stared out the window praying that it was just a nightmare and emory was coming back, but sadly he wasn't. i would hear him barking in the basement for weeks after it happened, and sometimes i still do.
the next time was when my grandfather died my junior year in high school. it was very unexpected and my mom and her brother didn't make it down there before it happened. school was out the next day, so my sister, dad, aunt and cousins drove down to meet my mom and uncle and plan the funeral. we cleaned most of his stuff out of the house so it wouldn't remind my grandmother of him too much. they were married for over 50 years. more than half of their lives they had each other. and hadn't really been apart. until now. i spent the summer with my grandmother in florida and as the days and weeks went on, she began to get sick. she was dying without her husband, her companion in life was gone and she was leaving. we could all tell, but none of us wanted it to happen. as the summer went on she got sicker and began to withdrawl from life. she was making her exit. she lasted until april. she helped me pick out my senior prom dress but never got to see me leave for prom in it. it was april 20, 2002 and i was doing my first catering job for a neighbors open house. she was getting paler by the day and we knew we didn't have a lot of time with her. mom called the ambulance to take her to the hospital and as she was leaving she wished me luck on the job and waved as the fireman carried her to the ambulance. i told her that i would see her later cause she had been in and out of the hospital about a dozen times since she moved in with us. i told her i loved her as mom climbed into the ambulance to go with her. we went to the er and they told us where she was and as we got to that room it was empty -- she was gone. she had gone to be with the only person that she couldn't live without, literally. they were soulmates and they belonged together. but it wasn't fair, not for us at all. when i saw the empty room i fell to the floor, i knew her suffering was over an dfor that i was more than glad, but i wanted more time with her, it may have been selfish, but i wanted her to see me graduate. i watned to hear more stories about when she was in the war, more stuff about my mom and uncle when they were little. the time i spent with her that summer was amazing, i got to know my grandmother more, i got to know her as a person and not just as the mother of my mom. but it was her time as they say and i had to except that. we went back to sarasota and had the funeral and cleaned out the house and made arrangements to sell the house. i loved that house, i don't think i could ever go back there though, i couldn't handle to see it any different than it was -- it's lost it's charm, my grandparents were the spark of that neighborhood. and now the spark is gone. and i think part of me went with her. she would have been 86 august the 8th.
last april i found out in the same day that a friend of mine had lukemia and that he died. i'd known josh for years. we went to summer camp together from elementary school through middle school. he was s guy that i could talk to. i kept him a secret from most people cause at times he was too good to be true and i didn't want to share him. there were times that weren't so great, we hadn't spoken for a few years, but somehow we both knew that if the other needed, we would drop anything and come help. he left me a letter that his sister sent me after he died. he explained that he didn't want to tell me cause he thought it would upset me too much; we were just patching things up and had begun talking again and he didn't want to ruin that. it was a double edged sword -- on the one hand i didn't have to go through all the questions and concearns that i always have (you know what i mean) but on the other hand i wish he had told me so that i would have known that something was wrong. ultimatley it was his decision and i respect it, but maybe i would have gotten to see him one last time. but you can't change the past. but everything happens for a reason. they say that something good always comes out of a tragedy and i don't know if i agree, but his sister is now persuing medicine, his brother named his 5th child after him...at least we were on good terms when he left this world. he would have been 24 in july. too bad he isn't here now.
i don't know why i wrote this, but watching that television show and some other thigs that have been going on, mainly three of my friends losing either their mother or father in the last three months...i just had to write down what i felt. i don't tell people things too often and i guess this is a way of letting people in on some things...i've been told by more than a few people that i hold in too much and that one day i'm going to explode and that may be true, but for right now this works...
time to go to bed...maymester starts at 8am tomorrow! oh boy! night.