Fourth of July
I love my brother and Sister-in-law Mandy! I had a lovely time with them today on the fourth. Firstly I went to Brock's house and played cards and ate with his family. Then I went with Sam and Mandy to David and Marty's house for their fourth get-together and chilled there for a while. I met the 98.1 Eagle fm traffic announcer there and chatted with him for a while. It was kind of odd becuase it wasn't just oh this person is stuck in this room with me kind of chit-chat but actual intrest chit-chat. Which leads me to wonder if it was "humm your attractive" chit-chat or if it was "I love to hear the sound of my own voice" chit-chat. I am leaning more towards the prospect of the latter since he is a radio announcer and all. Oh and that brings me to another point. See (*) I had to do that because that is going to happen often this entry. After that we went to Sam's rugby friends house who I don't really remember the host's name b/c I wasn't properly introduced. Or maybe I was but I dunno... I was nice there and the fireworks were friggin' awesome. I met some of Sam's rugby playing friends and all and that was cool. There was one cute guy there but I didn't really talk to him. He said he thought I had met him before at one of the rugby games but... alas my memorie sux.
(*) Last night I went to Walmart in my Sports Bra, Work out shorts and Sarong over my sports Bra. I think I looked like a Survivor reject but I certianly turned at least four guys heads last night and that's awesome b/c it was like 12:30 am and there weren't that many guys there. Oh another point see (&). So I only did it thought because I was already sweaty from work and decided (see antoher thing I want to mention (^)) to get some Icecream for Mandy and myself and Mandy dared me to go in my Sarong because well it covered most everything any way. Oh and I got to see my old friend Samantha there since she is a cashier.
(&)I had a conversation with a slighty drunk friend a while ago and he was that perfect drunk as to tell the truth when the truth needed be told. So I asked him ya know what the deal was with a guy that I like but I don't think likes me and what the deal was with a guy that likes me from way back when and thinks I am hot now. He told me that the latter of the two has a hard time distinguishing between "damn she's hot I'd like to do her" and "Damn she's cool I'd like to go out with her" (this is because another friend of ours from way back has a crush on him and I felt bad that he's all hitting on me and she's right there being pretty and nice and he needs someone like her there) He told me that I am in the first catagory until you really get to know me but that it's hard for some guys to get to know a girl when they are in that catagory. I feel like I am not in that catagory really and if I am then I am in the lowest part of that catagory becuase I don't really get hit on that much. That brings me to another point see (%) I think I am still stuck in the mindset that I am in the eighth grade and I am ugly no matter what. I like to play off that I am all sexy and all but that's just a mindset. Deep down I still feel unattractive.
(^)Work has been crazy. I just sometimes feel like I am a complete screw-up while other times I feel like I am being set up to fall. I wonder sometimes if some of the people there just enjoy messing with me. Plus alot of them don't bother to get to know me at all. Or at that ask me what the hell is really going on when they think I am just being crazy and stupid. I get fussed at alot by a certian person there and I wonder alot why exactly. Is it because I am newish, or becuase I really do mess up that much, or just because they don't like me. I really think it's because I screw up alot. But then there are times when I don't screw up at all and for some reasons they aren't there. So is it I am afriad of them and screw up when I am around them or because they find things to mess me up. David told me today that there was some bad thoughts about me in the kitchen because of what went down on Father's Day. See I was on Fry that day. It started off that Brock was calling out what we needed but he kept falling behind. Aaron wasn't doing so well either. So my manager came up to me and told me that someone needed to take the lead and he would rather it be me so do it right. So I fell into the role and started calling orders and telling the guys to step it up a notch. What I didn't know was that some of the other people in the kitchen just thought I was just getting to big for my britches and being bossy. What it appeared to them wasn't what really went down.The deep seeded fear of all of this is that I am afriad I am just not good enough. Thank GOD for people like Mr. Patrick at work. He told me last night that he had never seen someone who works so hard and who apparently wants to succeed so badly. It makes me want to work that much harder just to prove people like him right. People like him and Kat, my brother, my sister-in-law, my mom and dad, my friends, everyone who has confidence in me that I am going to make it is what keeps me going. Oh that and me having Angels backing me with the hand of God in my life.
(%) I want everyone to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt I will always have faith in LOVE. Everytime I turn around it seems like there is another slap in my face about love and rejection. Either a friend of mine is let down by it or it just seems to spit in my face I know that there has to be real love out there waiting for me. I know that someday I will find the one true love that was made for me. See it's like this to me. Love is beyond flowers and poems and all of that stuff. It's what makes the world turn round. I want the kind of love thats so desperate it hurts to be away from that person once you've met them. Every night I lie in bed and wish that I didn't have to sleep without those arms around me, that I didn't have to wake up with out knowing that someone is waiting for me to wake up. Love is out there and waiting for me. Passion is much to deep within me and the need for love is to hungry for me to sedate myself or be rejected from the world ever. He has to be out there for me because I have to be here(or somewhere) for him. That's love. The other half of me somewhere wondering where their other half is also.
(*) Last night I went to Walmart in my Sports Bra, Work out shorts and Sarong over my sports Bra. I think I looked like a Survivor reject but I certianly turned at least four guys heads last night and that's awesome b/c it was like 12:30 am and there weren't that many guys there. Oh another point see (&). So I only did it thought because I was already sweaty from work and decided (see antoher thing I want to mention (^)) to get some Icecream for Mandy and myself and Mandy dared me to go in my Sarong because well it covered most everything any way. Oh and I got to see my old friend Samantha there since she is a cashier.
(&)I had a conversation with a slighty drunk friend a while ago and he was that perfect drunk as to tell the truth when the truth needed be told. So I asked him ya know what the deal was with a guy that I like but I don't think likes me and what the deal was with a guy that likes me from way back when and thinks I am hot now. He told me that the latter of the two has a hard time distinguishing between "damn she's hot I'd like to do her" and "Damn she's cool I'd like to go out with her" (this is because another friend of ours from way back has a crush on him and I felt bad that he's all hitting on me and she's right there being pretty and nice and he needs someone like her there) He told me that I am in the first catagory until you really get to know me but that it's hard for some guys to get to know a girl when they are in that catagory. I feel like I am not in that catagory really and if I am then I am in the lowest part of that catagory becuase I don't really get hit on that much. That brings me to another point see (%) I think I am still stuck in the mindset that I am in the eighth grade and I am ugly no matter what. I like to play off that I am all sexy and all but that's just a mindset. Deep down I still feel unattractive.
(^)Work has been crazy. I just sometimes feel like I am a complete screw-up while other times I feel like I am being set up to fall. I wonder sometimes if some of the people there just enjoy messing with me. Plus alot of them don't bother to get to know me at all. Or at that ask me what the hell is really going on when they think I am just being crazy and stupid. I get fussed at alot by a certian person there and I wonder alot why exactly. Is it because I am newish, or becuase I really do mess up that much, or just because they don't like me. I really think it's because I screw up alot. But then there are times when I don't screw up at all and for some reasons they aren't there. So is it I am afriad of them and screw up when I am around them or because they find things to mess me up. David told me today that there was some bad thoughts about me in the kitchen because of what went down on Father's Day. See I was on Fry that day. It started off that Brock was calling out what we needed but he kept falling behind. Aaron wasn't doing so well either. So my manager came up to me and told me that someone needed to take the lead and he would rather it be me so do it right. So I fell into the role and started calling orders and telling the guys to step it up a notch. What I didn't know was that some of the other people in the kitchen just thought I was just getting to big for my britches and being bossy. What it appeared to them wasn't what really went down.The deep seeded fear of all of this is that I am afriad I am just not good enough. Thank GOD for people like Mr. Patrick at work. He told me last night that he had never seen someone who works so hard and who apparently wants to succeed so badly. It makes me want to work that much harder just to prove people like him right. People like him and Kat, my brother, my sister-in-law, my mom and dad, my friends, everyone who has confidence in me that I am going to make it is what keeps me going. Oh that and me having Angels backing me with the hand of God in my life.
(%) I want everyone to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt I will always have faith in LOVE. Everytime I turn around it seems like there is another slap in my face about love and rejection. Either a friend of mine is let down by it or it just seems to spit in my face I know that there has to be real love out there waiting for me. I know that someday I will find the one true love that was made for me. See it's like this to me. Love is beyond flowers and poems and all of that stuff. It's what makes the world turn round. I want the kind of love thats so desperate it hurts to be away from that person once you've met them. Every night I lie in bed and wish that I didn't have to sleep without those arms around me, that I didn't have to wake up with out knowing that someone is waiting for me to wake up. Love is out there and waiting for me. Passion is much to deep within me and the need for love is to hungry for me to sedate myself or be rejected from the world ever. He has to be out there for me because I have to be here(or somewhere) for him. That's love. The other half of me somewhere wondering where their other half is also.