SPN: When Your Best Just Isn't Enough
“Hello. My name is Castiel.”
The first time that Dean met Castiel, he knew he'd found the love of his life. They were at Sam's firm's Christmas party, and Dean was captivated by the brightest blue eyes he'd ever seen.
“Hi,” Dean managed to give his most charming smile, and was pleased to see the blush spread across Castiel's cheeks. “I'm Dean. Real pleased to meet you.”
They shared their first kiss that night, their first date the next. By the end of the first month Dean was planning on asking Cas to move in with him. That's when they hit the first bump in the road.
~*~
“Hey angel, I'm at the Roadhouse. Uh, you said you'd be here twenty minutes ago... is something up? Give me a call okay, and make sure you remember to have lunch. Uh... love you.”
Dean hung up the phone, feeling awkward. He'd never been good at expressing his feelings, but he was terrified that if he didn't tell Cas how he felt now and then, the younger man would leave him. Too many of Dean's relationships had failed because he couldn't say that he loved his partner.
“Hey Dean,” a bright voice broke through the gloomy thoughts. “What's got you so tense?”
“Cas,” Dean shrugged, looking up at Jo. “He's late and not answering his phone.”
“Is that unusual?” Jo frowned in concern as she sat down on the stool next to Dean. “You said he can get pretty spacey sometimes.”
“I guess. Just, he usually answers his phone. Or sends me a message. He's pretty good about keeping in touch.”
“Huh. Well, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. Y'know, I left my charger at home last time I went off with the girls for the weekend and my phone died. Mark panicked when I wasn't answering and turned up at the hotel, making this huge scene.”
“So that's why you broke it off,” Dean grinned, feeling better.
“Yeah,” Jo nodded, grinning back. “He could have called one of the other girls, or just waited until I got back, but instead he went all psycho.”
“That's an idea,” Dean picked his phone up again. “Cas is working with Sam, he'd know what's up. Could be they're swamped.”
“Attaboy,” Jo patted his knee and slid off the stool, heading back to work. “Use your upstairs brain.”
Dean casually flipped her off as he raised the phone, listening as it connected.
“Hey Dean, what's up?”
“Sam, is Cas there? He's late for lunch.”
“He didn't call you?” Sam sounded surprised. “His brother called this morning, said Cas was pretty sick. Flu or something.”
“That explains it,” Dean nodded to himself. “Which brother was it?”
“I dunno. He's got so many, it's hard to keep track.”
“Tell me about it. And the ones I have met don't like me much.”
“You do tend to have that effect on your partners' families.”
“Sammy?””
“Yeah?”
“Shut up.”
Dean hung up again, feeling reassured. He'd call in on his way home tonight, make sure that Cas didn't need anything.
~*~
“So who's calling you 'angel'?”
Castiel let out a sniffle and buried closer into the corner. His brother was on the other side of the bathroom door, and he just wanted to be left alone.
“Whoever he is, he's reminding you to have lunch. Good of him. He know about these little episodes of yours?”
Castiel rocked back and forth, arms curled around his knees. The message was from Dean, of course it was. He knew that he was meant to be having lunch with his boyfriend, it was just... he couldn't face leaving the apartment.
“Aw, he says he loves you. Doesn't sound too sure of it, but points for making the effort.”
Tears gathered in Castiel's eyes. He loved Dean more than anything, more than life itself. They were soul mates, he was sure of it, destined to be together.
If only he wasn't so broken.
“C'mon Cas, talk to me. Say something. You want me to call this guy back? Would that make you feel better?”
At that, Castiel broke. He gave in to the tears he'd been trying to hold back, though he managed to gasp out a 'no' before he couldn't speak any more. He didn't ever want Dean to see him like this.
On the other side of the door, Gabriel started to sing.
~*~
Dean let himself into Castiel's apartment, juggling the bag of groceries and carton of pie he'd brought along. He couldn't hear anything, and figured that Cas was probably asleep. Quietly, he crept into the tiny kitchen and put his gifts down on a clear patch of counter.
Frowning, Dean started putting things away or piling them next to the sink. It wasn't like Cas to leave the place so messy. If anything, his boyfriend was borderline obsessive-compulsive when it came to putting things away and cleaning. It took a couple of minutes before Dean felt himself being watched, and he turned with a smile on his face.
“Who the hell are you?” The short guy was glaring, looking decidedly unfriendly. Dean held up his hands in a peaceful gesture, realising this must be one of Castiel's many siblings.
“I'm Dean. Cas' boyfriend. I heard he had the flu or something, so I picked up some groceries for him.”
The guy was staring at Dean as though he'd grown an extra head, and it was making him decidedly uncomfortable.
“Cas' boyfriend,” the guy eventually repeated. “Cas Jones. Bit taller than me, perpetual bed-hair, blue eyes to die for?”
“Yeah. We've been dating for a bit over a month.”
“Awesome!” The stranger's face morphed into a grin that was like the sun coming out, and Dean could finally see the family resemblance. “Here I was thinking that little Cassie was commitment shy. I'm Gabriel.”
“Good to meet you,” Dean relaxed as he shook Gabriel's hand. “Cas told me about you, said you were one of the cool big brothers.”
“Aw, he's so sweet sometimes.”
~*~
Gabriel was doing his best to not openly drool. This Dean guy was a total wet dream, and it was hard not to be jealous of Castiel in that moment.
“It's been a while since we talked,” Gabriel grinned up at Dean. “I had no idea he'd landed himself such a catch.”
Dean had opened his mouth, probably to respond somehow, when a strangled sound came from behind them. Gabriel turned his head to see Cas standing in the doorway to the bathroom, eyes wide with what looked like fear and grief.
“Hey bro,” Gabriel turned slowly, holding out his arms. “You ready to come have some dinner?”
“Cas? You okay?” Dean sounded concerned.
Castiel stepped back and slammed the door again, and Gabriel sighed.
“Well fuck. I've been trying to get him out of there all day.”
“What?” Gabriel turned back to Dean, who was looking very confused. “Why's he been in there?”
“How well do you know Castiel? I mean, really know him.”
Dean paused, clearly considering the question properly, which Gabriel was thankful for.
“I guess... not all that well,” he admitted. “I know some stuff about him, but we don't spend much time talking about our pasts.” The tall man shifted, looking uncomfortable just at the line of questioning. “He's... Cas, y'know? He's my boyfriend.”
“So you weren't aware of the three years he spent in a psychiatric hospital?” Gabriel asked with a heavy heart. He really didn't want to see Cas get his heart broken, but Dean deserved to know what he was getting into sooner rather than later.
~*~
Castiel screwed his eyes shut, trying to block out what he'd seen. Sure his eyes had seen Gabriel and Dean talking, looking fairly cheerful, and he knew that was real. His mind, however, had seen the pair naked, limbs entwined as they kissed passionately. In his mind, he'd seen them deeply in love and happy together.
Part of Castiel knew that it was just his paranoia, that Dean would never do that to him, that Gabriel would never steal his lover. It was drowned out, though, by the voices that kept telling Castiel that he wasn't good enough for Dean, that he wasn't worth his family's loyalty, that everyone would always leave him.
The voices that always sounded like Balthazar and Anna.
~*~
“He was fifteen,” Gabriel sounded almost detached, like he was removing himself from the story as much as possible. “You know that we have a lot of siblings. Well, we used to have a few more.
“Castiel was always close to Anna, who was two years older than him, and Balthazar, who was a year older. One day when Anna was driving them all home from school, the car was run off the road by Anna's stalkery ex. Anna was killed in the crash. Cas blamed himself, said if Anna hadn't been taking him home she would have left school earlier and been safe.”
“Oh man,” Dean shook his head. “There's nothing in that, right? You told him it wasn't his fault?”
“Of course we did,” Gabriel rolled his eyes, looking disdainful. “None of us blamed Cas, not even Michael, and he's always been tough on the younger ones.”
Dean nodded, feeling that there was something more to the story. After a minute, Gabriel scrubbed a hand over his face and continued.
“That's when he started to lose touch with reality. He was in hospital for about three months, he was so badly injured. Balthazar seemed a little luckier at first, a few fractures but nothing appeared too bad. He was still out of school for ages, had to repeat the year 'cause it happened so close to midyear exams. Didn't care though, said it beat being dead.”
Gabriel closed hie eyes, looking like he was in so much pain. Without thinking, Dean leaned over and clasped his shoulder. When Gabriel's eyes flew open, he realised that he was probably overstepping his bounds and withdrew.
“It sucks,” Dean spoke softly. “I know there's more, but you don't have to keep going.”
“Yes I do,” Gabriel shook his head. “The sooner you know the better. Less heartache all round.” He took a deep breath before continuing the story.
“When he got home, Cas was... different. He used to be calm, collected, always in control of himself. After the crash he was temperamental, the smallest thing could set him off, and it was a coin toss as to whether he'd shut down or fly into a rage. None of us knew what to do. Eventually Lucas convinced him to see a therapist.”
“Huh,” Dean couldn't help the surprise. “I didn't think Lucas was capable of kindness.”
“Yeah, well,” Gabriel had the ghost of a smile on his lips, “me and Cas were always his favourites.
“For a while there things seemed to be getting better. Then the anniversary of the crash came around. Everyone in town kept talking about it, kept reminding Cas and Balthazar. Someone at school made a stupid comment that put Bal on edge. That night him and Cas had the biggest fight ever - don't even know what about. Whatever it was, it devolved into a fist fight pretty damn quick.”
He paused again, and Dean had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He really, really didn't want Gabriel to keep talking.
“One of Castiel's blows made Balthazar fall backwards. He never got up. Turns out his neck was fractured in the crash, weakened without being broken. He was living on borrowed time, since none of the doctors had picked up on it. Falling over was enough to snap his neck, killing him instantly.”
“Fuck,” Dean muttered. “How's... I know he can't have taken it well. How did Cas keep going?”
“He didn't really,” Gabriel shrugged. “Cas completely freaked, locked himself in a cupboard, kept crying and saying that everything was his fault, that he was a curse. He didn't come out for four days. Then, when Raphael was meant to be keeping an eye out for him, Cas managed to sneak out of the house. He disappeared completely.
“For over a year, we didn't hear from him. Tried everything to find him, even hired a private detective. Nothing. It was like he'd stopped existing. Then we got a call from the cops.
“A tipoff had led to a raid on a brothel down near the Mexican border that was using underage teens.”
“No,” Dean felt his insides twist in horror. “No, not Cas...”
“Yeah,” Gabriel sighed. “Lucas and I went to the hospital to identify him and bring him home. Cas... didn't even recognise us. His head was so scrambled from all sorts of drugs and the constant abuse. When he finally detoxed he wouldn't let anyone touch him, kept calling himself a curse. The best thing for him was to commit him, get him the help he needed. It was three years before they decided that he was capable of functioning properly by himself.”
There was silence as Dean went through the information in his head. While he didn't want to believe it, he couldn't deny that al lot of it made sense. Except...
“He's been fine with me,” Dean looked over at Gabriel, confused. “Sure he's a little... I dunno, offbeat at times, but nothing like crazy.”
“That's because he's not crazy,” Gabriel shook his head. “He's on medication to help with his paranoia and depression, and the doctors helped him learn to deal with the world properly. It's just that, well... every now and then something sets him off and he had a meltdown. Usually if something big changes, or something unexpected happens. Like when Uriel was killed in a boat accident, or when Lucas went to prison.”
“So what happens during a meltdown?” Dean asked, steeling himself. “What should I do for him?”
Gabriel blinked, apparently caught off-guard, then tilted his head in the same way Cas did.
“You're gonna stick around? Not gonna head for the hills?” He sounded completely surprised, as though he really thought that Dean was going to abandon Cas. Dean frowned at him, not liking the insinuations.
“Cas is the love of my fucking life,” Dean growled out. “I'm not leaving him. I don't care if he's got issues, so do I. Not gonna leave him to deal alone.”
After a moment of staring - clearly another family trait - Gabriel relaxed with a soft smile.
“I'm glad. Castiel's had a hard run. He deserves some backup.”
“Yeah. Now, how can I help him?”
~*~
They were talking about him, Castiel knew they were. That or having wild, passionate sex on the sofa. Or maybe on his bed. What would he do then? Should he burn the bed to get rid of the memories, or keep the sheets close so he could always smell Dean's scent?
“Cas? C'mon angel, open up.”
That was Dean. So they'd probably been talking. Gabriel probably told Dean all about his past, how he was a crazy murderer who brought bad luck to those he cared about. Castiel choked back a sob. He'd known it was too good to last.
“Angel, if you don't open up I'll just have to pick the lock. You know I can do it.”
He knew that Dean could pick locks, of course he did, he wasn't stupid. It had kept him awake sometimes, wondering if Dean would break into the apartment and hurt him one night.
Castiel was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't notice the faint scratching at the door, or the click that meant it had been opened. He didn't notice anything until large, warm hands enclosed his own.
Looking up, Castiel met Dean's gaze, expecting to find scorn, hatred - or worse, pity - but there was nothing like that. Dean's face was as open as it always was, and the only thing Cas could see in it was love.
“Cas, will you come out and have dinner with us? I brought you some of Ellen's special pie.” Dean's voice was soft, concerned, but not smothering. It was the voice that Dean used whenever Castiel woke from a nightmare.
Maybe that was all that had happened. Maybe that was why he felt so tired and drained.
“Was I having a bad dream?” His voice was scratchy, which made him frown. Dean smiled and leaned in, kissing his forehead just like usual.
“Yeah angel, just a bad dream. Come on, let's have dinner.” His voice was soothing, and Castiel nodded.
“Will you stay the night?” He asked, not wanting to be alone. Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel, holding him tight for a moment.
“Yeah Cas, I'll stay as long as you want me to.”
~*~
Dean made no mention of what Gabriel had said while they ate, but in the back of his mind he was trying to work out what had set Cas off. He had the sinking feeling that it might have been him and their relationship. After all, thinks had developed extremely quickly between them. Maybe Cas wasn't as comfortable with it as Dean had previously thought.
“Gabriel, you are a small child.”
Dean was pulled back to the present by Castiel's voice, and couldn't help laughing. Gabriel was pulling a face while Castiel put some vegetables on his older brother's plate. He had the feeling that this was an old argument.
“But green things taste weird!” The older man whined, trying to use puppy-dog eyes on Cas. “I don't want 'em.”
“Vegetables are good for you,” Cas ignored Gabriel's protests easily, clearly used to them. “I don't care if they taste strange. You cannot live on sweets alone.”
“I could try.”
“No. Eat them.”
“Meanie, “ Gabriel pouted, but he picked up his fork all the same.
“Chill dude,” Dean grinned at the brothers. “I brought pie. Finish enough rabbit food to please Cas and you can have a slice.”
“Cool,” Gabriel looked pleased and speared some vegetables with his fork. They ate in silence for a few seconds, before Gabriel froze.
“Wait wait wait. Did you just say that I couldn't have desert until I finished my dinner!?”
At his scandalised look, Dean burst into laughter, quickly followed by Cas. Gabriel folded his arms over his chest and pouted, though Dean had the distinct feeling he wasn't as mad as he was pretending. Something about the way Gabriel's eyes softened at the sight of Castiel leaning against Dean's shoulder and being happy.
Gabriel's gaze met Dean's then, and Dean winked. After a beat, Gabriel nodded back, and Dean knew he had this brother's approval.
~*~
Dean and Castiel were curled up in bed together, trying to sleep while Gabriel was out on the couch. Castiel was a little scared to close his eyes, not knowing what he was going to see when he slept tonight.
“Hey Cas,” Dean's voice didn't sound at all tired, and Castiel knew he'd been thinking. “Today, was that... was it my fault? Something I did?”
Taking a deep breath, Castiel turned to look at Dean. The truth was, his meltdown did have something to do with Dean, though it wasn't what his lover probably thought.
“Not something you did,” he chose his words carefully. “Just... I've never had a boyfriend before, and I... I love you. I got a little worked up, worrying that I'd do something to scare you off or hurt you or... make you hate me.”
“Not gonna happen angel,” Dean sounded so sure as he held Castiel close. “I'm kinda screwed up myself, but you seem to handle me okay. I've been thinking about this too, and I know I'm not great at commitment, but I wanna try with you. So... will you move in with me? This place its too small for you, and I live closer to your school and-”
“Wait,” Castiel sat up, shocked. “Even after today, seeing what I'm like, you still want to be with me? Permanently?”
“Yeah,” Dean smiled up at him softly. “I really do.”
“How much did you have to drink tonight?” Castiel asked, immediately suspicious. “You're never this open with your feelings.”
“I'm not drunk.” There was a tinge of annoyance slipping into his tone, and Castiel lowered his eyes, chastened. “I really wanna make this work, so I'm trying to be honest here. If you want me to leave-”
“No!” Castiel grabbed Dean's shoulder, on the verge of panic. “No, don't leave. I just, I wasn't expecting anything like this.”
“Okay,” Dean nodded, relaxing again. “Well, think about it. Dunno when your lease is up, and it's okay if you want to take some time. But I'm serious. If you want me, you can move in whenever.”
Castiel nodded and lay down again, this time wrapping himself around Dean as much as he could. Without hesitating, Dean brought his arms up and squeezed Castiel, apparently not caring about Castiel's head on his chest.
“I don't wanna mess this up either,” Dean whispered into his hair. “That's why I'm trying to talk to you. Never want you to doubt how I feel.”
“I understand,” Castiel nodded, moving his head a little to press a kiss to Dean's throat. “Be patient with me. I'm new to all of this.”
“Okay.”
~*~
Gabriel shifted on the couch, trying to persuade himself that this was a good thing. Dean clearly cared for Castiel a lot, and it would be good to have someone watching over his little brother all the time. Ever since he'd been returned to them, Castiel had been distant and didn't like his siblings fussing over him. This was a good way to make sure the baby of the family was taken care of.
It just... really sucked that Dean was exactly Gabriel's type. The walls were thin enough that he heard most of the conversation, and resolved to try to keep out of the way. Castiel deserved some happiness, and besides, he was Gabriel's little brother. No way would he betray the family bonds like that.
~*~
Two months later, Castiel had moved in with Dean. They both smiled a lot more than they used to, and Castiel was back on the correct dosage of medication. He was even talking to his doctor about possibly lowering it.
“I'm proud of you Dean,” Sam was smiling the way he always did when he was drunk. Dean couldn't keep the laugh in.
“Such a lightweight,” he punched his big-little brother on the shoulder. “What've I done that's so impressive?”
“You're growing up!” Sam beamed at him. Probably hadn't even felt the punch. “You're in a steady relationship, an' you're being faithful. Don't even comment on the girls in my office any more.”
“Cas is worth monononononon... bein' faithful.” Okay, maybe he'd had a few too many as well. “Don't want anyone else.”
“How very romantic,” Castiel spoke then. Dean craned his head to look at his boyfriend and smiled.
“Hi Cas!” He greeted him enthusiastically. “Join us, we're drinkin' and havin' fun!”
“I can see that,” Castiel nodded. There was a slight smile on his face, and Dean knew he wasn't in trouble. “Unfortunately, I cannot drink at the moment. It interferes with my medication, remember?”
“Aw shit,” Dean was immediately remorseful. “I'm sorry angel. Here.” He stood up and grabbed his half-empty bottle, heading to the kitchen.
“Dean? What are you doing?” Castiel sounded confused, as though Dean was being odd again.
“Gettin' rid of it,” Dean shrugged, pouring the beer down the sink. “You can't drink, I won't drink.”
“That is not necessary.”
“I know, but I wanna. Love you,” Dean tried to explain, but his brain wasn't quite working fast enough. “Don't want you missing out.”
“If you say so,” Cas smiled. “You can still go out and drink, I don't mind.”
“You're the best,” Dean smiled so widely his cheeks were hurting. “Hey Sammy! You'll take the rest of the booze home, right?”
“Uh huh,” Sam slurred from where he was slumped over at the table, head resting on his folded arms.
“Dude, no way are you driving home,” Dean sniggered. “You're staying in the spare room. I don't want Jess going postal on us.”
“Good idea,” Castiel nodded. “You get him into bed. I'll start cleaning up out here.”
“Yes dear,” Dean responded flippantly, taking the time to press a brief kiss to Castiel's cheek before dealing with his gargantuan brother. He may have been drunk, but he didn't miss the way Castiel smiled as he started cleaning up the kitchen.
Yeah, life with Cas was pretty damn sweet.
~*~
When Castiel's placement at the law firm was over, his workload at school picked up dramatically. He didn't mind though - it kept him busy, focusing on a task and doing it well. While he knew that his boyfriend didn't understand exactly, the important thing was that Dean didn't mind and didn't try to change him. As far as Castiel was concerned, Dean could do no wrong.
Which was why it hurt, so damn much, when he saw girls throwing themselves at Dean. Oh sure, he always turned them down in a very gentlemanly way, but surely one day he'd tire of Castiel and all his faults. One day he'd want to go back to beautiful women and one night stands.
Looking down at his notebook, Castiel frowned. There were wets spots on the paper, and a shaky line where he'd been resting his pen. A new drop fell, and he realised that it was his own tear. He was crying.
Not knowing what else to do, since Dean was at work saving lives while he wasted time on a degree that probably wouldn't even lead to a job, Castiel pulled out his mobile and flicked through his contacts.
“Hey Bright-eyes,” Gabriel's warm voice seemed to flow into Castiel, finding all of the empty places and filling them up. “How's tricks?”
“What if I'm not good enough?” Castiel asked, not thinking to fill his brother in on the details of his thoughts. “Dean could have anyone he wants, what do I do if he decides to move on?”
“Woah, hold up a sec,” Gabriel sounded alarmed. “Did he say something like that? Has he made you feel bad?”
“No. But one day he'll wake up and see what a mess I am, and then he'll leave. Or he'll throw me out, technically this is his house after all.”
“Castiel, just wait. Breathe with me for a sec.” Gabriel started breathing audibly, and Castiel did his best to match the rhythm. After a while, he felt himself start to calm down as he had something that he could control to focus on. Once he was no longer on the verge of a panic attack, he started again.
“Dean's amazing,” Castiel spoke softly. “He hasn't tried to change me or make me do anything. I love him, he's friendly and outgoing and likes mixing with people, he's cute and charming...” He paused, and had to swallow hard before he could continue. “Dean's the perfect man. What do I do when he realises he can have someone better than me?”
“You get me to beat the crap outta him. Or get Lucas to organise a hit. He'd be more than happy to.”
“Gabriel, I'm serious.”
“So am I. Well, if he reacts like that I am.” Gabriel paused, and Castiel waited for him to continue. “Look, I'm not gonna promise that he won't leave, 'cause I can't tell the future. But I really don't think he'll leave you just because he thinks you're not good enough. He's stuck around so far and he really seems to care about you.”
“Michael and Raphael don't like him,” Castiel pointed out, but he wasn't exactly arguing.
“They'll never like any guy you date,” was Gabriel's quick answer. “They still think you're a kid who needs protecting, and they've worried that you'll get your heart broken. They don't think that anyone's good enough to trust with you.”
“And you?”
“I think a real relationship is worth a little risk. You've been happy with Dean. I want to see you stay happy.”
Castiel smiled a little at that, though he knew Gabriel couldn't see him. This was exactly what he'd needed to hear, and of course Gabriel had known what to say.
“He doesn't drink at home any more,” Castiel told his brother, fondness creeping back into his voice. “Since I can't have alcohol with my medications, he refuses to keep any in the house.”
“Aaaaaw,” Gabriel cooed. “See? He likes you! Don't listen to the stuffy brothers, I approve of him.”
“Okay,” Castiel was finally feeling better, able to cope with the rest of his day. “Thank you, Gabriel.”
“Don't sweat it, bro. Everyone gets relationship worries now and then.”
“You don't.”
“Can't have doubts if you never have a relationship,” Gabriel shot back easily, and Castiel had to concede the point. “One of the benefits of one-night stands is not having to commit.”
~*~
By the time Dean got home, he was exhausted. He was helping to train some of the new firefighters, and honestly wondered how they'd made it past the recruitment process. One of them couldn't even climb the stairs at the station without getting winded.
Then there was the cocky little shit Miller who'd tried to start a fight after finding out Dean had a boyfriend. Thankfully the other guys in Dean's team had backed him up and the little shit had been kicked out of training, but it still rankled.
When he got home, he could hear his favourite Metallica CD playing and slowly relaxed as he stepped inside and kicked off his boots. There was noise coming from the kitchen, and he could smell something baking. Cas wasn't the greatest chef in the world, but it always warmed Dean's insides when he made the effort.
When he got to the kitchen, Dean had to smile. Cas was moving around in time to the music, wearing one of Dean's old hoodies and slicing up vegetables. In the oven, Dean could see a pie baking. It was the most perfect thing he could have come home to.
“Hey,” he spoke softly, unsure if Cas knew he was there. Castiel put down the knife before turning, small smile playing around his mouth. His eyes were rimmed with red, and he immediately stepped close and buried his face in Dean's shoulder. Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel, quite content to hold him as felt the tension seep out of his lover's frame. They stayed there, just holding each other, until the timer went off and Castiel stepped away to fetch the pie form the oven.
“What's all this for?” Dean asked, gesturing around at the kitchen. “Not that I'm not grateful for pie, of course.”
“Of course,” Castiel echoed, voice showing his amusement. “I... was not having a good day. You calm me down when you are near, so I surrounded myself with your things.
“Oh,” Dean blinked. “Did... did it help?”
“Yes. I feel much better now. Would you like pie now or later?”
Dean stared at him for several long seconds, caught in Castiel's eyes, before leaning in and kissing him. Cas opened up easily, just as he always did, and smiled up at Dean when they separated.
“Love you,” Dean managed the words easier now, loved watching the way Castiel's face always lit up when he said it.
“Love you too,” Cas replied, and Dean no longer cared what else had happened that day. He was home with the man he loved, nothing else really mattered.
“Hey, is there ice cream to go with the pie?”
“New carton in the freezer.”
“Awesome.”
~*~
Things seemed to be going okay. They'd been dating for almost a year, and despite a few rough patches Dean and Castiel were both happy. As far as Gabriel could tell, Dean never looked twice at anyone else, and was fumbling his way through Castiel's issues as best he could without turning tail and running. As for Castiel, although he still adored Dean he seemed to have gained a little perspective and wasn't quite worshipping the man.
Which was why Gabriel decided to break the news when Dean was at home to lend Castiel some comfort and support.
“What's going on” Dean looked suspicious, even though he had an arm around Castiel's shoulders.
Gabriel took a deep breath and looked Cas in the eye.
“Lucas got into a fight in jail and killed another inmate. This was his third violent crime. They... he's been put on death row.”
Castiel froze. It was something that they'd all known could happen, but none of the brothers had wanted to accept it.
“It's gonna take a while,” Gabriel continued, “and Michael's already looking for the best damn lawyer there is. We're gonna fight this. But you need to know what's going on, it might be in the papers and people will probably talk about the trial. I'm pretty sure it's gonna get a lot of publicity, and I didn't want you to find out like that.”
Castiel nodded, though his eyes looked far away. Dean was clearly worried, and started stroking Castiel's arm. They sat in silence for a while, letting Cas get his bearings again.
“I want to see him,” Cas finally spoke. Gabriel bit his lower lip, and Dean looked concerned too.
“You sure, angel?” Dean asked, brushing his nose against Castiel's hair. “Maybe you should wait until you know what's gonna happen.”
“No,” Castiel's voice was firm, and Gabriel knew it would be no use trying to dissuade him. His little brother was a stubborn S.O.B. when he wanted to be. “I need to see Lucas. He's my brother.”
“Okay,” Gabriel sighed. “I'll see what I can do. His visiting rights have been suspended, but I might be able to swing something.”
“Thank you,” Castiel nodded. “I feel I must see him.”
“Yeah, I get it,” Gabriel shrugged. “I think he'd like to see you too. Lucas always had a soft spot for you. Just... prison's a tough place. None of us want to put you through that. Hell, if it weren't for Lucas I wouldn't set foot in that place.”
“I know, and I am grateful. But this is something I must do.”
“Okay angel,” Dean leaned in and pressed a kiss to Castiel's temple, and Gabriel had to look away as a spike of jealousy sparked through him. “Whatever you want.”
~*~
Masterpost | Part Two
The first time that Dean met Castiel, he knew he'd found the love of his life. They were at Sam's firm's Christmas party, and Dean was captivated by the brightest blue eyes he'd ever seen.
“Hi,” Dean managed to give his most charming smile, and was pleased to see the blush spread across Castiel's cheeks. “I'm Dean. Real pleased to meet you.”
They shared their first kiss that night, their first date the next. By the end of the first month Dean was planning on asking Cas to move in with him. That's when they hit the first bump in the road.
~*~
“Hey angel, I'm at the Roadhouse. Uh, you said you'd be here twenty minutes ago... is something up? Give me a call okay, and make sure you remember to have lunch. Uh... love you.”
Dean hung up the phone, feeling awkward. He'd never been good at expressing his feelings, but he was terrified that if he didn't tell Cas how he felt now and then, the younger man would leave him. Too many of Dean's relationships had failed because he couldn't say that he loved his partner.
“Hey Dean,” a bright voice broke through the gloomy thoughts. “What's got you so tense?”
“Cas,” Dean shrugged, looking up at Jo. “He's late and not answering his phone.”
“Is that unusual?” Jo frowned in concern as she sat down on the stool next to Dean. “You said he can get pretty spacey sometimes.”
“I guess. Just, he usually answers his phone. Or sends me a message. He's pretty good about keeping in touch.”
“Huh. Well, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. Y'know, I left my charger at home last time I went off with the girls for the weekend and my phone died. Mark panicked when I wasn't answering and turned up at the hotel, making this huge scene.”
“So that's why you broke it off,” Dean grinned, feeling better.
“Yeah,” Jo nodded, grinning back. “He could have called one of the other girls, or just waited until I got back, but instead he went all psycho.”
“That's an idea,” Dean picked his phone up again. “Cas is working with Sam, he'd know what's up. Could be they're swamped.”
“Attaboy,” Jo patted his knee and slid off the stool, heading back to work. “Use your upstairs brain.”
Dean casually flipped her off as he raised the phone, listening as it connected.
“Hey Dean, what's up?”
“Sam, is Cas there? He's late for lunch.”
“He didn't call you?” Sam sounded surprised. “His brother called this morning, said Cas was pretty sick. Flu or something.”
“That explains it,” Dean nodded to himself. “Which brother was it?”
“I dunno. He's got so many, it's hard to keep track.”
“Tell me about it. And the ones I have met don't like me much.”
“You do tend to have that effect on your partners' families.”
“Sammy?””
“Yeah?”
“Shut up.”
Dean hung up again, feeling reassured. He'd call in on his way home tonight, make sure that Cas didn't need anything.
~*~
“So who's calling you 'angel'?”
Castiel let out a sniffle and buried closer into the corner. His brother was on the other side of the bathroom door, and he just wanted to be left alone.
“Whoever he is, he's reminding you to have lunch. Good of him. He know about these little episodes of yours?”
Castiel rocked back and forth, arms curled around his knees. The message was from Dean, of course it was. He knew that he was meant to be having lunch with his boyfriend, it was just... he couldn't face leaving the apartment.
“Aw, he says he loves you. Doesn't sound too sure of it, but points for making the effort.”
Tears gathered in Castiel's eyes. He loved Dean more than anything, more than life itself. They were soul mates, he was sure of it, destined to be together.
If only he wasn't so broken.
“C'mon Cas, talk to me. Say something. You want me to call this guy back? Would that make you feel better?”
At that, Castiel broke. He gave in to the tears he'd been trying to hold back, though he managed to gasp out a 'no' before he couldn't speak any more. He didn't ever want Dean to see him like this.
On the other side of the door, Gabriel started to sing.
~*~
Dean let himself into Castiel's apartment, juggling the bag of groceries and carton of pie he'd brought along. He couldn't hear anything, and figured that Cas was probably asleep. Quietly, he crept into the tiny kitchen and put his gifts down on a clear patch of counter.
Frowning, Dean started putting things away or piling them next to the sink. It wasn't like Cas to leave the place so messy. If anything, his boyfriend was borderline obsessive-compulsive when it came to putting things away and cleaning. It took a couple of minutes before Dean felt himself being watched, and he turned with a smile on his face.
“Who the hell are you?” The short guy was glaring, looking decidedly unfriendly. Dean held up his hands in a peaceful gesture, realising this must be one of Castiel's many siblings.
“I'm Dean. Cas' boyfriend. I heard he had the flu or something, so I picked up some groceries for him.”
The guy was staring at Dean as though he'd grown an extra head, and it was making him decidedly uncomfortable.
“Cas' boyfriend,” the guy eventually repeated. “Cas Jones. Bit taller than me, perpetual bed-hair, blue eyes to die for?”
“Yeah. We've been dating for a bit over a month.”
“Awesome!” The stranger's face morphed into a grin that was like the sun coming out, and Dean could finally see the family resemblance. “Here I was thinking that little Cassie was commitment shy. I'm Gabriel.”
“Good to meet you,” Dean relaxed as he shook Gabriel's hand. “Cas told me about you, said you were one of the cool big brothers.”
“Aw, he's so sweet sometimes.”
~*~
Gabriel was doing his best to not openly drool. This Dean guy was a total wet dream, and it was hard not to be jealous of Castiel in that moment.
“It's been a while since we talked,” Gabriel grinned up at Dean. “I had no idea he'd landed himself such a catch.”
Dean had opened his mouth, probably to respond somehow, when a strangled sound came from behind them. Gabriel turned his head to see Cas standing in the doorway to the bathroom, eyes wide with what looked like fear and grief.
“Hey bro,” Gabriel turned slowly, holding out his arms. “You ready to come have some dinner?”
“Cas? You okay?” Dean sounded concerned.
Castiel stepped back and slammed the door again, and Gabriel sighed.
“Well fuck. I've been trying to get him out of there all day.”
“What?” Gabriel turned back to Dean, who was looking very confused. “Why's he been in there?”
“How well do you know Castiel? I mean, really know him.”
Dean paused, clearly considering the question properly, which Gabriel was thankful for.
“I guess... not all that well,” he admitted. “I know some stuff about him, but we don't spend much time talking about our pasts.” The tall man shifted, looking uncomfortable just at the line of questioning. “He's... Cas, y'know? He's my boyfriend.”
“So you weren't aware of the three years he spent in a psychiatric hospital?” Gabriel asked with a heavy heart. He really didn't want to see Cas get his heart broken, but Dean deserved to know what he was getting into sooner rather than later.
~*~
Castiel screwed his eyes shut, trying to block out what he'd seen. Sure his eyes had seen Gabriel and Dean talking, looking fairly cheerful, and he knew that was real. His mind, however, had seen the pair naked, limbs entwined as they kissed passionately. In his mind, he'd seen them deeply in love and happy together.
Part of Castiel knew that it was just his paranoia, that Dean would never do that to him, that Gabriel would never steal his lover. It was drowned out, though, by the voices that kept telling Castiel that he wasn't good enough for Dean, that he wasn't worth his family's loyalty, that everyone would always leave him.
The voices that always sounded like Balthazar and Anna.
~*~
“He was fifteen,” Gabriel sounded almost detached, like he was removing himself from the story as much as possible. “You know that we have a lot of siblings. Well, we used to have a few more.
“Castiel was always close to Anna, who was two years older than him, and Balthazar, who was a year older. One day when Anna was driving them all home from school, the car was run off the road by Anna's stalkery ex. Anna was killed in the crash. Cas blamed himself, said if Anna hadn't been taking him home she would have left school earlier and been safe.”
“Oh man,” Dean shook his head. “There's nothing in that, right? You told him it wasn't his fault?”
“Of course we did,” Gabriel rolled his eyes, looking disdainful. “None of us blamed Cas, not even Michael, and he's always been tough on the younger ones.”
Dean nodded, feeling that there was something more to the story. After a minute, Gabriel scrubbed a hand over his face and continued.
“That's when he started to lose touch with reality. He was in hospital for about three months, he was so badly injured. Balthazar seemed a little luckier at first, a few fractures but nothing appeared too bad. He was still out of school for ages, had to repeat the year 'cause it happened so close to midyear exams. Didn't care though, said it beat being dead.”
Gabriel closed hie eyes, looking like he was in so much pain. Without thinking, Dean leaned over and clasped his shoulder. When Gabriel's eyes flew open, he realised that he was probably overstepping his bounds and withdrew.
“It sucks,” Dean spoke softly. “I know there's more, but you don't have to keep going.”
“Yes I do,” Gabriel shook his head. “The sooner you know the better. Less heartache all round.” He took a deep breath before continuing the story.
“When he got home, Cas was... different. He used to be calm, collected, always in control of himself. After the crash he was temperamental, the smallest thing could set him off, and it was a coin toss as to whether he'd shut down or fly into a rage. None of us knew what to do. Eventually Lucas convinced him to see a therapist.”
“Huh,” Dean couldn't help the surprise. “I didn't think Lucas was capable of kindness.”
“Yeah, well,” Gabriel had the ghost of a smile on his lips, “me and Cas were always his favourites.
“For a while there things seemed to be getting better. Then the anniversary of the crash came around. Everyone in town kept talking about it, kept reminding Cas and Balthazar. Someone at school made a stupid comment that put Bal on edge. That night him and Cas had the biggest fight ever - don't even know what about. Whatever it was, it devolved into a fist fight pretty damn quick.”
He paused again, and Dean had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He really, really didn't want Gabriel to keep talking.
“One of Castiel's blows made Balthazar fall backwards. He never got up. Turns out his neck was fractured in the crash, weakened without being broken. He was living on borrowed time, since none of the doctors had picked up on it. Falling over was enough to snap his neck, killing him instantly.”
“Fuck,” Dean muttered. “How's... I know he can't have taken it well. How did Cas keep going?”
“He didn't really,” Gabriel shrugged. “Cas completely freaked, locked himself in a cupboard, kept crying and saying that everything was his fault, that he was a curse. He didn't come out for four days. Then, when Raphael was meant to be keeping an eye out for him, Cas managed to sneak out of the house. He disappeared completely.
“For over a year, we didn't hear from him. Tried everything to find him, even hired a private detective. Nothing. It was like he'd stopped existing. Then we got a call from the cops.
“A tipoff had led to a raid on a brothel down near the Mexican border that was using underage teens.”
“No,” Dean felt his insides twist in horror. “No, not Cas...”
“Yeah,” Gabriel sighed. “Lucas and I went to the hospital to identify him and bring him home. Cas... didn't even recognise us. His head was so scrambled from all sorts of drugs and the constant abuse. When he finally detoxed he wouldn't let anyone touch him, kept calling himself a curse. The best thing for him was to commit him, get him the help he needed. It was three years before they decided that he was capable of functioning properly by himself.”
There was silence as Dean went through the information in his head. While he didn't want to believe it, he couldn't deny that al lot of it made sense. Except...
“He's been fine with me,” Dean looked over at Gabriel, confused. “Sure he's a little... I dunno, offbeat at times, but nothing like crazy.”
“That's because he's not crazy,” Gabriel shook his head. “He's on medication to help with his paranoia and depression, and the doctors helped him learn to deal with the world properly. It's just that, well... every now and then something sets him off and he had a meltdown. Usually if something big changes, or something unexpected happens. Like when Uriel was killed in a boat accident, or when Lucas went to prison.”
“So what happens during a meltdown?” Dean asked, steeling himself. “What should I do for him?”
Gabriel blinked, apparently caught off-guard, then tilted his head in the same way Cas did.
“You're gonna stick around? Not gonna head for the hills?” He sounded completely surprised, as though he really thought that Dean was going to abandon Cas. Dean frowned at him, not liking the insinuations.
“Cas is the love of my fucking life,” Dean growled out. “I'm not leaving him. I don't care if he's got issues, so do I. Not gonna leave him to deal alone.”
After a moment of staring - clearly another family trait - Gabriel relaxed with a soft smile.
“I'm glad. Castiel's had a hard run. He deserves some backup.”
“Yeah. Now, how can I help him?”
~*~
They were talking about him, Castiel knew they were. That or having wild, passionate sex on the sofa. Or maybe on his bed. What would he do then? Should he burn the bed to get rid of the memories, or keep the sheets close so he could always smell Dean's scent?
“Cas? C'mon angel, open up.”
That was Dean. So they'd probably been talking. Gabriel probably told Dean all about his past, how he was a crazy murderer who brought bad luck to those he cared about. Castiel choked back a sob. He'd known it was too good to last.
“Angel, if you don't open up I'll just have to pick the lock. You know I can do it.”
He knew that Dean could pick locks, of course he did, he wasn't stupid. It had kept him awake sometimes, wondering if Dean would break into the apartment and hurt him one night.
Castiel was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't notice the faint scratching at the door, or the click that meant it had been opened. He didn't notice anything until large, warm hands enclosed his own.
Looking up, Castiel met Dean's gaze, expecting to find scorn, hatred - or worse, pity - but there was nothing like that. Dean's face was as open as it always was, and the only thing Cas could see in it was love.
“Cas, will you come out and have dinner with us? I brought you some of Ellen's special pie.” Dean's voice was soft, concerned, but not smothering. It was the voice that Dean used whenever Castiel woke from a nightmare.
Maybe that was all that had happened. Maybe that was why he felt so tired and drained.
“Was I having a bad dream?” His voice was scratchy, which made him frown. Dean smiled and leaned in, kissing his forehead just like usual.
“Yeah angel, just a bad dream. Come on, let's have dinner.” His voice was soothing, and Castiel nodded.
“Will you stay the night?” He asked, not wanting to be alone. Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel, holding him tight for a moment.
“Yeah Cas, I'll stay as long as you want me to.”
~*~
Dean made no mention of what Gabriel had said while they ate, but in the back of his mind he was trying to work out what had set Cas off. He had the sinking feeling that it might have been him and their relationship. After all, thinks had developed extremely quickly between them. Maybe Cas wasn't as comfortable with it as Dean had previously thought.
“Gabriel, you are a small child.”
Dean was pulled back to the present by Castiel's voice, and couldn't help laughing. Gabriel was pulling a face while Castiel put some vegetables on his older brother's plate. He had the feeling that this was an old argument.
“But green things taste weird!” The older man whined, trying to use puppy-dog eyes on Cas. “I don't want 'em.”
“Vegetables are good for you,” Cas ignored Gabriel's protests easily, clearly used to them. “I don't care if they taste strange. You cannot live on sweets alone.”
“I could try.”
“No. Eat them.”
“Meanie, “ Gabriel pouted, but he picked up his fork all the same.
“Chill dude,” Dean grinned at the brothers. “I brought pie. Finish enough rabbit food to please Cas and you can have a slice.”
“Cool,” Gabriel looked pleased and speared some vegetables with his fork. They ate in silence for a few seconds, before Gabriel froze.
“Wait wait wait. Did you just say that I couldn't have desert until I finished my dinner!?”
At his scandalised look, Dean burst into laughter, quickly followed by Cas. Gabriel folded his arms over his chest and pouted, though Dean had the distinct feeling he wasn't as mad as he was pretending. Something about the way Gabriel's eyes softened at the sight of Castiel leaning against Dean's shoulder and being happy.
Gabriel's gaze met Dean's then, and Dean winked. After a beat, Gabriel nodded back, and Dean knew he had this brother's approval.
~*~
Dean and Castiel were curled up in bed together, trying to sleep while Gabriel was out on the couch. Castiel was a little scared to close his eyes, not knowing what he was going to see when he slept tonight.
“Hey Cas,” Dean's voice didn't sound at all tired, and Castiel knew he'd been thinking. “Today, was that... was it my fault? Something I did?”
Taking a deep breath, Castiel turned to look at Dean. The truth was, his meltdown did have something to do with Dean, though it wasn't what his lover probably thought.
“Not something you did,” he chose his words carefully. “Just... I've never had a boyfriend before, and I... I love you. I got a little worked up, worrying that I'd do something to scare you off or hurt you or... make you hate me.”
“Not gonna happen angel,” Dean sounded so sure as he held Castiel close. “I'm kinda screwed up myself, but you seem to handle me okay. I've been thinking about this too, and I know I'm not great at commitment, but I wanna try with you. So... will you move in with me? This place its too small for you, and I live closer to your school and-”
“Wait,” Castiel sat up, shocked. “Even after today, seeing what I'm like, you still want to be with me? Permanently?”
“Yeah,” Dean smiled up at him softly. “I really do.”
“How much did you have to drink tonight?” Castiel asked, immediately suspicious. “You're never this open with your feelings.”
“I'm not drunk.” There was a tinge of annoyance slipping into his tone, and Castiel lowered his eyes, chastened. “I really wanna make this work, so I'm trying to be honest here. If you want me to leave-”
“No!” Castiel grabbed Dean's shoulder, on the verge of panic. “No, don't leave. I just, I wasn't expecting anything like this.”
“Okay,” Dean nodded, relaxing again. “Well, think about it. Dunno when your lease is up, and it's okay if you want to take some time. But I'm serious. If you want me, you can move in whenever.”
Castiel nodded and lay down again, this time wrapping himself around Dean as much as he could. Without hesitating, Dean brought his arms up and squeezed Castiel, apparently not caring about Castiel's head on his chest.
“I don't wanna mess this up either,” Dean whispered into his hair. “That's why I'm trying to talk to you. Never want you to doubt how I feel.”
“I understand,” Castiel nodded, moving his head a little to press a kiss to Dean's throat. “Be patient with me. I'm new to all of this.”
“Okay.”
~*~
Gabriel shifted on the couch, trying to persuade himself that this was a good thing. Dean clearly cared for Castiel a lot, and it would be good to have someone watching over his little brother all the time. Ever since he'd been returned to them, Castiel had been distant and didn't like his siblings fussing over him. This was a good way to make sure the baby of the family was taken care of.
It just... really sucked that Dean was exactly Gabriel's type. The walls were thin enough that he heard most of the conversation, and resolved to try to keep out of the way. Castiel deserved some happiness, and besides, he was Gabriel's little brother. No way would he betray the family bonds like that.
~*~
Two months later, Castiel had moved in with Dean. They both smiled a lot more than they used to, and Castiel was back on the correct dosage of medication. He was even talking to his doctor about possibly lowering it.
“I'm proud of you Dean,” Sam was smiling the way he always did when he was drunk. Dean couldn't keep the laugh in.
“Such a lightweight,” he punched his big-little brother on the shoulder. “What've I done that's so impressive?”
“You're growing up!” Sam beamed at him. Probably hadn't even felt the punch. “You're in a steady relationship, an' you're being faithful. Don't even comment on the girls in my office any more.”
“Cas is worth monononononon... bein' faithful.” Okay, maybe he'd had a few too many as well. “Don't want anyone else.”
“How very romantic,” Castiel spoke then. Dean craned his head to look at his boyfriend and smiled.
“Hi Cas!” He greeted him enthusiastically. “Join us, we're drinkin' and havin' fun!”
“I can see that,” Castiel nodded. There was a slight smile on his face, and Dean knew he wasn't in trouble. “Unfortunately, I cannot drink at the moment. It interferes with my medication, remember?”
“Aw shit,” Dean was immediately remorseful. “I'm sorry angel. Here.” He stood up and grabbed his half-empty bottle, heading to the kitchen.
“Dean? What are you doing?” Castiel sounded confused, as though Dean was being odd again.
“Gettin' rid of it,” Dean shrugged, pouring the beer down the sink. “You can't drink, I won't drink.”
“That is not necessary.”
“I know, but I wanna. Love you,” Dean tried to explain, but his brain wasn't quite working fast enough. “Don't want you missing out.”
“If you say so,” Cas smiled. “You can still go out and drink, I don't mind.”
“You're the best,” Dean smiled so widely his cheeks were hurting. “Hey Sammy! You'll take the rest of the booze home, right?”
“Uh huh,” Sam slurred from where he was slumped over at the table, head resting on his folded arms.
“Dude, no way are you driving home,” Dean sniggered. “You're staying in the spare room. I don't want Jess going postal on us.”
“Good idea,” Castiel nodded. “You get him into bed. I'll start cleaning up out here.”
“Yes dear,” Dean responded flippantly, taking the time to press a brief kiss to Castiel's cheek before dealing with his gargantuan brother. He may have been drunk, but he didn't miss the way Castiel smiled as he started cleaning up the kitchen.
Yeah, life with Cas was pretty damn sweet.
~*~
When Castiel's placement at the law firm was over, his workload at school picked up dramatically. He didn't mind though - it kept him busy, focusing on a task and doing it well. While he knew that his boyfriend didn't understand exactly, the important thing was that Dean didn't mind and didn't try to change him. As far as Castiel was concerned, Dean could do no wrong.
Which was why it hurt, so damn much, when he saw girls throwing themselves at Dean. Oh sure, he always turned them down in a very gentlemanly way, but surely one day he'd tire of Castiel and all his faults. One day he'd want to go back to beautiful women and one night stands.
Looking down at his notebook, Castiel frowned. There were wets spots on the paper, and a shaky line where he'd been resting his pen. A new drop fell, and he realised that it was his own tear. He was crying.
Not knowing what else to do, since Dean was at work saving lives while he wasted time on a degree that probably wouldn't even lead to a job, Castiel pulled out his mobile and flicked through his contacts.
“Hey Bright-eyes,” Gabriel's warm voice seemed to flow into Castiel, finding all of the empty places and filling them up. “How's tricks?”
“What if I'm not good enough?” Castiel asked, not thinking to fill his brother in on the details of his thoughts. “Dean could have anyone he wants, what do I do if he decides to move on?”
“Woah, hold up a sec,” Gabriel sounded alarmed. “Did he say something like that? Has he made you feel bad?”
“No. But one day he'll wake up and see what a mess I am, and then he'll leave. Or he'll throw me out, technically this is his house after all.”
“Castiel, just wait. Breathe with me for a sec.” Gabriel started breathing audibly, and Castiel did his best to match the rhythm. After a while, he felt himself start to calm down as he had something that he could control to focus on. Once he was no longer on the verge of a panic attack, he started again.
“Dean's amazing,” Castiel spoke softly. “He hasn't tried to change me or make me do anything. I love him, he's friendly and outgoing and likes mixing with people, he's cute and charming...” He paused, and had to swallow hard before he could continue. “Dean's the perfect man. What do I do when he realises he can have someone better than me?”
“You get me to beat the crap outta him. Or get Lucas to organise a hit. He'd be more than happy to.”
“Gabriel, I'm serious.”
“So am I. Well, if he reacts like that I am.” Gabriel paused, and Castiel waited for him to continue. “Look, I'm not gonna promise that he won't leave, 'cause I can't tell the future. But I really don't think he'll leave you just because he thinks you're not good enough. He's stuck around so far and he really seems to care about you.”
“Michael and Raphael don't like him,” Castiel pointed out, but he wasn't exactly arguing.
“They'll never like any guy you date,” was Gabriel's quick answer. “They still think you're a kid who needs protecting, and they've worried that you'll get your heart broken. They don't think that anyone's good enough to trust with you.”
“And you?”
“I think a real relationship is worth a little risk. You've been happy with Dean. I want to see you stay happy.”
Castiel smiled a little at that, though he knew Gabriel couldn't see him. This was exactly what he'd needed to hear, and of course Gabriel had known what to say.
“He doesn't drink at home any more,” Castiel told his brother, fondness creeping back into his voice. “Since I can't have alcohol with my medications, he refuses to keep any in the house.”
“Aaaaaw,” Gabriel cooed. “See? He likes you! Don't listen to the stuffy brothers, I approve of him.”
“Okay,” Castiel was finally feeling better, able to cope with the rest of his day. “Thank you, Gabriel.”
“Don't sweat it, bro. Everyone gets relationship worries now and then.”
“You don't.”
“Can't have doubts if you never have a relationship,” Gabriel shot back easily, and Castiel had to concede the point. “One of the benefits of one-night stands is not having to commit.”
~*~
By the time Dean got home, he was exhausted. He was helping to train some of the new firefighters, and honestly wondered how they'd made it past the recruitment process. One of them couldn't even climb the stairs at the station without getting winded.
Then there was the cocky little shit Miller who'd tried to start a fight after finding out Dean had a boyfriend. Thankfully the other guys in Dean's team had backed him up and the little shit had been kicked out of training, but it still rankled.
When he got home, he could hear his favourite Metallica CD playing and slowly relaxed as he stepped inside and kicked off his boots. There was noise coming from the kitchen, and he could smell something baking. Cas wasn't the greatest chef in the world, but it always warmed Dean's insides when he made the effort.
When he got to the kitchen, Dean had to smile. Cas was moving around in time to the music, wearing one of Dean's old hoodies and slicing up vegetables. In the oven, Dean could see a pie baking. It was the most perfect thing he could have come home to.
“Hey,” he spoke softly, unsure if Cas knew he was there. Castiel put down the knife before turning, small smile playing around his mouth. His eyes were rimmed with red, and he immediately stepped close and buried his face in Dean's shoulder. Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel, quite content to hold him as felt the tension seep out of his lover's frame. They stayed there, just holding each other, until the timer went off and Castiel stepped away to fetch the pie form the oven.
“What's all this for?” Dean asked, gesturing around at the kitchen. “Not that I'm not grateful for pie, of course.”
“Of course,” Castiel echoed, voice showing his amusement. “I... was not having a good day. You calm me down when you are near, so I surrounded myself with your things.
“Oh,” Dean blinked. “Did... did it help?”
“Yes. I feel much better now. Would you like pie now or later?”
Dean stared at him for several long seconds, caught in Castiel's eyes, before leaning in and kissing him. Cas opened up easily, just as he always did, and smiled up at Dean when they separated.
“Love you,” Dean managed the words easier now, loved watching the way Castiel's face always lit up when he said it.
“Love you too,” Cas replied, and Dean no longer cared what else had happened that day. He was home with the man he loved, nothing else really mattered.
“Hey, is there ice cream to go with the pie?”
“New carton in the freezer.”
“Awesome.”
~*~
Things seemed to be going okay. They'd been dating for almost a year, and despite a few rough patches Dean and Castiel were both happy. As far as Gabriel could tell, Dean never looked twice at anyone else, and was fumbling his way through Castiel's issues as best he could without turning tail and running. As for Castiel, although he still adored Dean he seemed to have gained a little perspective and wasn't quite worshipping the man.
Which was why Gabriel decided to break the news when Dean was at home to lend Castiel some comfort and support.
“What's going on” Dean looked suspicious, even though he had an arm around Castiel's shoulders.
Gabriel took a deep breath and looked Cas in the eye.
“Lucas got into a fight in jail and killed another inmate. This was his third violent crime. They... he's been put on death row.”
Castiel froze. It was something that they'd all known could happen, but none of the brothers had wanted to accept it.
“It's gonna take a while,” Gabriel continued, “and Michael's already looking for the best damn lawyer there is. We're gonna fight this. But you need to know what's going on, it might be in the papers and people will probably talk about the trial. I'm pretty sure it's gonna get a lot of publicity, and I didn't want you to find out like that.”
Castiel nodded, though his eyes looked far away. Dean was clearly worried, and started stroking Castiel's arm. They sat in silence for a while, letting Cas get his bearings again.
“I want to see him,” Cas finally spoke. Gabriel bit his lower lip, and Dean looked concerned too.
“You sure, angel?” Dean asked, brushing his nose against Castiel's hair. “Maybe you should wait until you know what's gonna happen.”
“No,” Castiel's voice was firm, and Gabriel knew it would be no use trying to dissuade him. His little brother was a stubborn S.O.B. when he wanted to be. “I need to see Lucas. He's my brother.”
“Okay,” Gabriel sighed. “I'll see what I can do. His visiting rights have been suspended, but I might be able to swing something.”
“Thank you,” Castiel nodded. “I feel I must see him.”
“Yeah, I get it,” Gabriel shrugged. “I think he'd like to see you too. Lucas always had a soft spot for you. Just... prison's a tough place. None of us want to put you through that. Hell, if it weren't for Lucas I wouldn't set foot in that place.”
“I know, and I am grateful. But this is something I must do.”
“Okay angel,” Dean leaned in and pressed a kiss to Castiel's temple, and Gabriel had to look away as a spike of jealousy sparked through him. “Whatever you want.”
~*~
Masterpost | Part Two