Longer entry...
At this moment in time, I am not feeling too good. Not in the physical sense, but in the mood sense. So I write.
My cousin makes me mad. He comes out here from New York for the purpose of watching the house while my folks were gone and I was at UCLA, but takes everything so lightly. I'm amazed, shocked, and disappointed when I see how much he lacks in caring for responsibility and how much he cares for himself. He seems to want only to have fun, show off, hook up, and enjoy. He wants to party all night, sleep until noon everyday, and not look or plan for the future. It really disappoints me, because he's my closest cousin. What else makes me mad is that so many people like him, or find him, I guess, "charming." They don't live with him, though. It bothers me, though, to think that there are so many other people out there like him. No wonder it becomes so difficult to continue caring and wanting to help.
Actually, it's the same concept behind drinking, right? There's just so many people doing it, that how can anyone resist from it, huh? I think of this because I, once again, even though I tried resisting, looked at the pictures on Myspace that reminded me of the feelings of anger and frustration I went through because of what occured over 8 weeks ago now. Looking at the pictures on my desk, I still can't fully comprehend it...or comprehend wha happened and who she was/is. It worries me to think how I'll feel when she goes back. I know I'll be worrying everytime now, everytime she goes to a party or event. It'll feel like it did the day she told me...pushing me aside to...to what? Be herself? I can't hold her back...and I don't want to. It's her life. I love her. She's given me so much. Happiness, support, tears, smiles, companionship. She's a good person...
I wonder how I became the way I am. I'm not the most hardworking person. Give me a game controller or a weight as opposed to a chemistry or biology book any day. I don't give into peers. I don't conform to others. I have values and ethics, morals that lead me through life. Why does it seem like no one else does? Why is it that the harder I try to be a better person, a nicer person, an individual, a friend, a good boyfriend...why is it that it feels like failure? Failure...and alone. Why is it that, more often then not, I feel low instead of driven? I want my life to mean so much...to everyone...to myself. I want to feel like I've made a difference, I'll make a difference, I'll be missed.
I am trying to take steps towards change. I have four classes registered at, hopefully, my last semester at El Camino. I've applied to CSU Long Beach, Dominguez Hills, and Fullerton. CSUF is the first choice for the Spring'07 semester, then LB, lastly DH; either way, Biology is the major of choice. I've also started volunteering with asthmatic kids at Charles Drew on Saturdays, and I'll be applying to USC County Hospital for their PA Shadow Program. I still work at least three days a week, Friday through Sunday, about 7 to 8 hours. I'm hoping to do some type of research in Summer of '07, or more volunteer work. I've lost about 8 pounds since leaving UCLA, and I really miss it there, especially the people I met. Once done with Bio major with at least a 3.5 GPA, I hope to take the MCAT, score decently, and apply to at least 10-12 Med Schools...UCLA being #1 choice. I want to be a BRUIN again. Four years med school, then 4 years minimum of residency...so I'm looking at least 10 years of work to attain my goal of becoming a Physician. That puts me at 31. At least, if everything flows smoothly. It never does, of course, so I'm more hoping around 33 or 34. Long road. Just gotta do it, though.
I feel like I'm not doing enough, though. Not for myself, for people, for my friends, for my girlfriend. I feel incomplete. Like there's something out there I'm missing. Something that can make all the difference. Who knows. Maybe if I'm patient enough...
My cousin makes me mad. He comes out here from New York for the purpose of watching the house while my folks were gone and I was at UCLA, but takes everything so lightly. I'm amazed, shocked, and disappointed when I see how much he lacks in caring for responsibility and how much he cares for himself. He seems to want only to have fun, show off, hook up, and enjoy. He wants to party all night, sleep until noon everyday, and not look or plan for the future. It really disappoints me, because he's my closest cousin. What else makes me mad is that so many people like him, or find him, I guess, "charming." They don't live with him, though. It bothers me, though, to think that there are so many other people out there like him. No wonder it becomes so difficult to continue caring and wanting to help.
Actually, it's the same concept behind drinking, right? There's just so many people doing it, that how can anyone resist from it, huh? I think of this because I, once again, even though I tried resisting, looked at the pictures on Myspace that reminded me of the feelings of anger and frustration I went through because of what occured over 8 weeks ago now. Looking at the pictures on my desk, I still can't fully comprehend it...or comprehend wha happened and who she was/is. It worries me to think how I'll feel when she goes back. I know I'll be worrying everytime now, everytime she goes to a party or event. It'll feel like it did the day she told me...pushing me aside to...to what? Be herself? I can't hold her back...and I don't want to. It's her life. I love her. She's given me so much. Happiness, support, tears, smiles, companionship. She's a good person...
I wonder how I became the way I am. I'm not the most hardworking person. Give me a game controller or a weight as opposed to a chemistry or biology book any day. I don't give into peers. I don't conform to others. I have values and ethics, morals that lead me through life. Why does it seem like no one else does? Why is it that the harder I try to be a better person, a nicer person, an individual, a friend, a good boyfriend...why is it that it feels like failure? Failure...and alone. Why is it that, more often then not, I feel low instead of driven? I want my life to mean so much...to everyone...to myself. I want to feel like I've made a difference, I'll make a difference, I'll be missed.
I am trying to take steps towards change. I have four classes registered at, hopefully, my last semester at El Camino. I've applied to CSU Long Beach, Dominguez Hills, and Fullerton. CSUF is the first choice for the Spring'07 semester, then LB, lastly DH; either way, Biology is the major of choice. I've also started volunteering with asthmatic kids at Charles Drew on Saturdays, and I'll be applying to USC County Hospital for their PA Shadow Program. I still work at least three days a week, Friday through Sunday, about 7 to 8 hours. I'm hoping to do some type of research in Summer of '07, or more volunteer work. I've lost about 8 pounds since leaving UCLA, and I really miss it there, especially the people I met. Once done with Bio major with at least a 3.5 GPA, I hope to take the MCAT, score decently, and apply to at least 10-12 Med Schools...UCLA being #1 choice. I want to be a BRUIN again. Four years med school, then 4 years minimum of residency...so I'm looking at least 10 years of work to attain my goal of becoming a Physician. That puts me at 31. At least, if everything flows smoothly. It never does, of course, so I'm more hoping around 33 or 34. Long road. Just gotta do it, though.
I feel like I'm not doing enough, though. Not for myself, for people, for my friends, for my girlfriend. I feel incomplete. Like there's something out there I'm missing. Something that can make all the difference. Who knows. Maybe if I'm patient enough...