Her
A glance in the mirror, the feeling of the muscles flexing and moulding my face into the shapes I know so well. I can see reflected back at me in my mind's eye as it takes form, an involuntary action, yet even as I realise, I am powerless to stop it.
Caught in the reproduction of the same the face I studied and gauged so often in my childhood years, either cowered in fear, or resolutely prepared for the inevitable unwinnable onslaught… the visceral hatred towards that face and then, the overwhelming, shame and guilt that I could be passing this on, transferring that same judgement and emotional punishment….is this me now…?
Despite my resolve to never be her, fuelled by fear, anger, hurt and frustration, I still find myself repeating those reactions, those behaviours and swift judgements towards people, even those I love… with no understandable reason?
If I cannot live by my own vow to never be her, then i am lost.
So the self loathing expands and I turn it all inwards…..