(no subject)
Ok, so...life is crazy. On friday I wrote gunar one of those closure letters, with my complaints and lingering questions. Definitely one of those letters that you're not supposed to send, but I did anyway. I basically wrote him saying I thought he got freaked out by the relationship, and that I felt that he did care for me still. Other things were said, but that was the jist I guess. After that, I was like, no good can come from this. Nothing good ever does. Like, that's not a good way to be friends with him, right?
The next night he called me around nine. I was actually downtown at the sky loungs watching Andrew's dj performance, so I was glad he called then, instead of the previous night when I was sitting at home watching the Cinderella movie musical starring Brandi. Anyway, we talked for about half an hour, but I basically got the opposite of closure. He didn't hint that he wanted to get back together or anything, but he did say that he wasn't really happier. ok, so what do i say to that? That's not supposed to be the case. I don't remember a lot of it, but I do remember this:
"So, you never loved any of your previous girlfriends"
"no"
"but you could have loved me"
"yeah"
Soooo not closure!!
Anyway, after that it was like, yeah i guess we'll be friends, and i think i was actually starting to feel better about moving on.
So, sunday night i see that he called and left a weird message that was like "i want to see you, blah". I go see him, after making sure I look great of course. This was the first time I had really seen him since we broke up. When I get there, he's like "I made a mistake, I miss you, and I do love you". What's a girl supposed to do? Of course I still love him. So we're back together.
I'm still really confused. I mean, i'm happy he saw the error of his ways, but I feel scared and unsure. like, you're either in or out, and I just don't want to be hurt even worse. He took me for granted, and I guess I'll just have to see if he changes. But it's like, how long are we actually going to date now? It's not like we'll get married. The future is so uncertain, and I should be concentrating on the here and now, and just focusing on enjoying the time that we share together. I told him if he had waited much longer, i don't think it would have worked. I'm also dealing with the feeling like I've been tossed around, played with. I don't like the power that he has over me, but at the same time, love is a scary game. I asked him if it was what he really wanted, and he said it was. He really was totally in the clear though. aaahhhh. I am happy though. Did I say that? I'm just scared. Maybe i've killed his commitmiphobia. It would seem that way.
The next night he called me around nine. I was actually downtown at the sky loungs watching Andrew's dj performance, so I was glad he called then, instead of the previous night when I was sitting at home watching the Cinderella movie musical starring Brandi. Anyway, we talked for about half an hour, but I basically got the opposite of closure. He didn't hint that he wanted to get back together or anything, but he did say that he wasn't really happier. ok, so what do i say to that? That's not supposed to be the case. I don't remember a lot of it, but I do remember this:
"So, you never loved any of your previous girlfriends"
"no"
"but you could have loved me"
"yeah"
Soooo not closure!!
Anyway, after that it was like, yeah i guess we'll be friends, and i think i was actually starting to feel better about moving on.
So, sunday night i see that he called and left a weird message that was like "i want to see you, blah". I go see him, after making sure I look great of course. This was the first time I had really seen him since we broke up. When I get there, he's like "I made a mistake, I miss you, and I do love you". What's a girl supposed to do? Of course I still love him. So we're back together.
I'm still really confused. I mean, i'm happy he saw the error of his ways, but I feel scared and unsure. like, you're either in or out, and I just don't want to be hurt even worse. He took me for granted, and I guess I'll just have to see if he changes. But it's like, how long are we actually going to date now? It's not like we'll get married. The future is so uncertain, and I should be concentrating on the here and now, and just focusing on enjoying the time that we share together. I told him if he had waited much longer, i don't think it would have worked. I'm also dealing with the feeling like I've been tossed around, played with. I don't like the power that he has over me, but at the same time, love is a scary game. I asked him if it was what he really wanted, and he said it was. He really was totally in the clear though. aaahhhh. I am happy though. Did I say that? I'm just scared. Maybe i've killed his commitmiphobia. It would seem that way.