(no subject)
We let Ivory go today. Then it dawned on me that i’m actually all alone on this planet. There are no close friends i can turn to, no shoulder to cry on or anyone to sit beside and contemplate a world without my dog with. This is something i must suffer alone, cry alone and with time, recover from alone.
I’ve always told people around me that if someone dear to me leaves, i would not want to look at their face from the open casket because i want my last memory of that person to be when he or she was alive and smiling. But as i sat outside the clinic after we had decided it was time, my stance wavered. Could i really say goodbye to my beautiful best friend of 13 years without really saying goodbye even though the last image of her would be her unconscious body on a table in a cold white room?
So i stood in the corner as my siblings said their final farewells; my sister crying with sorrow and my brother stroking her fur for the last time silently. I looked her at closely. Her spotless white fur wasn’t quite as scintillating as it was in her youth. It had not grown out as quickly as it used to after we had shaved her down to lighten the load on her failing hind legs. There was dirt under her claws and her metacarpal and digital pads look cracked. Her tongue hung limp and dry as she breathed heavily and rhythmic, sounding more like her old growls of displeasure.
Concurrently i thought of my aging parents and grandmother. How would i be able to deal with their departures? Could i really say goodbye without giving them one final kiss or hug?
There are many things i am unsure of but right now the biggest uncertainty of all is how will i step through a front door and not see my Ivory perk her head up to look at me with eyes that beget the question of where i had been without bringing her along. Who will i plant my kisses on or feel effusive and unabated displays of affection from?
Though i do not believe in ‘a better place’, surely you are already there. You will be roaming the cosmos boundlessly and endlessly, never tiring and only stopping to sniff at faraway moons, lick lovely faces and drink ice cold water. There will be no lids on dog treats kept in places out of reach or cosmic ticks to drink your blood. You have access to all the beds and sofas and may choose to sleep anywhere you want where the cold wind tickles your white coat and your feet float. Your signature howl will echo through time and space and reach me through my videos of you. You have been a good dog and i love you more than the distance any ray of light has ever travelled.
Ivory, gooood girl.
Good girl, Ivory.
I’ve always told people around me that if someone dear to me leaves, i would not want to look at their face from the open casket because i want my last memory of that person to be when he or she was alive and smiling. But as i sat outside the clinic after we had decided it was time, my stance wavered. Could i really say goodbye to my beautiful best friend of 13 years without really saying goodbye even though the last image of her would be her unconscious body on a table in a cold white room?
So i stood in the corner as my siblings said their final farewells; my sister crying with sorrow and my brother stroking her fur for the last time silently. I looked her at closely. Her spotless white fur wasn’t quite as scintillating as it was in her youth. It had not grown out as quickly as it used to after we had shaved her down to lighten the load on her failing hind legs. There was dirt under her claws and her metacarpal and digital pads look cracked. Her tongue hung limp and dry as she breathed heavily and rhythmic, sounding more like her old growls of displeasure.
Concurrently i thought of my aging parents and grandmother. How would i be able to deal with their departures? Could i really say goodbye without giving them one final kiss or hug?
There are many things i am unsure of but right now the biggest uncertainty of all is how will i step through a front door and not see my Ivory perk her head up to look at me with eyes that beget the question of where i had been without bringing her along. Who will i plant my kisses on or feel effusive and unabated displays of affection from?
Though i do not believe in ‘a better place’, surely you are already there. You will be roaming the cosmos boundlessly and endlessly, never tiring and only stopping to sniff at faraway moons, lick lovely faces and drink ice cold water. There will be no lids on dog treats kept in places out of reach or cosmic ticks to drink your blood. You have access to all the beds and sofas and may choose to sleep anywhere you want where the cold wind tickles your white coat and your feet float. Your signature howl will echo through time and space and reach me through my videos of you. You have been a good dog and i love you more than the distance any ray of light has ever travelled.
Ivory, gooood girl.
Good girl, Ivory.