(no subject)
And back to fighting for myself. Now that the exterior dramas have been cleared up to the best of my ability now it's just, heh, "just", the renewed battle to reject the lies that the whole thing has brought up.
There is nothing left to do. No fighting or action required. I have done all I can. I am not who I was - no matter what my aunt says or if my mother beleives/ed her. I am me, here, now, safe. Not the confused child of my past. The fact that she can be raised again does not mean that the now is invalid. (I am scared it is...) I am not my father. I am not my aunt. I am not my mother. My needs are not subsumed in those of my mother no matter how many years I've practiced that. I did not realized that it's only in the last year that I have, of necessity, started to stop doing that. It's still very very hard.
I assert this, hard though it may be. I write it and a portion beleives it. A portion is terrified. It was when Dad died that Eric turned from me. The more "adult" but still terrified part of me fears my friends will turn from me now because the past has raised its ugly head and exposed me. Exposed my "secret weakness", my temper, my family. Outrageous vile anger and emotional violence. Out of control. Hysterical. "I knew this would happen!" My aunt shouted. I am burying myself under "shoulds". I have admitted my error and apologized. I have explained myself to the best of my abilities. Who am I to continue to fear and beat myself up over it? (I am annoyed with myself for being scared. I should be able to "get over it". "Know it's not true.")
Lara's scared for me. Less so now, I think. I hope. I hate to add to her burdens. She carries everything. That's not my responsibility. But... I'm scared for me. I can tell you here. It'll pass. Right? I think I'm back to full on panic all the time. No break downs. No signs. Not visible. Just scared. Racing heart. Keep catching myself biting my fingers / hands. Faking it. Want to hide. Want to run. Triggered. Pleasant to people. Going about work, all proper like. Dealing with the roommates, the friends. Nothing wrong. Back ... slipped back ... where did my heart go? I'm jumpy. Shaky. Unaware of how I feel. It's not important anyway...
I'm glad I'm seeing my therapist Thursday.