(no subject)
My roommate said the most amazingly outrageous thing to me this morning as we were commuting in. She said, "You may have any emotion with or without reason. You may choose to express it or not. It won't change how much we love you."
I blinked at her and said, "Those words... they all SOUND like English but when you put them together like that they have no meaning."
Had a long talk with a different aunt last night (the wife of one of my father's brothers). And a short talk with Rain. Still scared... well, nervous. But determined that this whole situation, regardless of how much it LOOKS like situations in the past, can be used for good. This is not the past. This is now. My mother's sister's outrageous lies have brought to the surface what my mother has always believed and never spoken: that we, myself and my siblings, blame her for our father's death. This is completely untrue; but by my mother accepting it as true and speaking it out loud we finally have an opportunity to refute it and to hopefully lay to rest the guilt she has carried for so very very long.
Yeah - I blew the lid off - again. And... I'm not sorry. It was unintentional but not a mistake. It needed to come off. We needed to look at our secret fears and admit them to one another so that we can refute them among ourselves. Our family HAS healed a lot. We can help each other now. I don't know if my aunt can be helped, but I do know that her denial of all responsibility has allowed us to help our mother. Has allowed me to find and speak what I'm really afraid of. And reconnect with and trust my father's family. Funny. The ones that were always presented to me as out of control and chaotic have turned out to be the most stable.
I blinked at her and said, "Those words... they all SOUND like English but when you put them together like that they have no meaning."
Had a long talk with a different aunt last night (the wife of one of my father's brothers). And a short talk with Rain. Still scared... well, nervous. But determined that this whole situation, regardless of how much it LOOKS like situations in the past, can be used for good. This is not the past. This is now. My mother's sister's outrageous lies have brought to the surface what my mother has always believed and never spoken: that we, myself and my siblings, blame her for our father's death. This is completely untrue; but by my mother accepting it as true and speaking it out loud we finally have an opportunity to refute it and to hopefully lay to rest the guilt she has carried for so very very long.
Yeah - I blew the lid off - again. And... I'm not sorry. It was unintentional but not a mistake. It needed to come off. We needed to look at our secret fears and admit them to one another so that we can refute them among ourselves. Our family HAS healed a lot. We can help each other now. I don't know if my aunt can be helped, but I do know that her denial of all responsibility has allowed us to help our mother. Has allowed me to find and speak what I'm really afraid of. And reconnect with and trust my father's family. Funny. The ones that were always presented to me as out of control and chaotic have turned out to be the most stable.