(no subject)

[cheesegivesgas]

i need closure..

im still holding this grudge
i still blame him for a lot of things..
i cant let go for whatever reason..

its been.. what?.. 2 years now..
to find out what kind of man ive
been "dating" for the past 5 years now..

still hoping that hes not that kind
of a person anymore..

going good so far..

i feel like i have him on the tightest
leash possible.. im afraid to loosen it up..

we joke about how many people we've had
in different places..

my count isnt as high as he thinks it is..
well.. maybe it is...heh.. anyways..

it hurts to hear all those people and different places from him..
even though we joke about it.. it hurts..

everytime i hear that name.. anywhere..
my stomach hurts.. its hard not to hear..
when its a common name..
i never wanna hear him say that name..
i think ill die.. or shit my pants.. which ever comes first..

im still trying to find things..
trying to find.."people"
trying to find answers as to why he hurt me so bad..

i look at pictures of girls thinking..
"hed probably leave me for her"
who wouldnt wanna leave me.. im fucking crazy..

its driving me craaaaaaazy..
i find myself arguing with myself out loud..
in my head.. constantly..

like.. i have a baby to take care of..HIS baby..
i have to let it go... i HAVE to..
i just dont know how..

as much as we fight and bicker about dumb shit..
all i see in my future right now is..
him and my kid(s)... in a cute little house
with a fat bulldog and a huge backyard..fighting
about dumb shit..

i wanna get married.. someday..(ahem) now (ahem)
i dont think he wants to marry me..
i dont think he wants to be committed to me..
maybe hes not done messin around..
should i wait around to find out?