(no subject)
what a completely unexpected day. i was running on about two hours of sleep, as far as i can guess, and yet felt completely awake all day. i got a lot of homework and shit done that i have completely neglected for the past few weeks (though there's tons left), and actually took a couple seconds to make myself look somewhat presentable today rather than just throw on a hoodie. i was on time to directing, actually prepared for modern, and was feeling pretty good, albiet a little overwhelmed still.
then our loves labours lost class met for the final time today at two thirty, and just changed the course of my entire day and mindset. after talking about final assignments and housekeeping stuff, karen had us all sit in a circle on the floor for an excersize that she called "positive bombardment". the idea was that, one at a time, a person would move into the center of our circle and each person would go around and say something nice or positive about the center person. the center person wasn't allowed to say anything but 'thank you' and had to proceed to the next person. i know that some people may have found it forced and trite and artificial, but this kind of stuff really tends to hit me. i did NOT expect it to get as heavy as it did. i even ended up crying for like the last half of the excersize because i just couldnt hold it in. when other people cry, i almost immediately start to cry as well, its just a part of who i am. and once i got started, there wasn't much of a chance to stop. some of the things that were being said, even when i wasn't involved, were so beautiful and genuine that it really made my chest clench and throat close. i think i even realized emotions or feelings that i had for or about people that i never knew i had before today.
its instances like this that ever so slightly help restore my faith in people. i know there's evil there. and ugly. and that maybe not all that was said was completely genuine, cause thats just how it goes. but for those few moments where the air shifted and eyes were locked and suddenly the space felt changed somehow, it was something special to be present for. the bond that you can feel and form with some people after such a short period of time is increible and completely surprising. ive said from the begining that i thought this was a really good cast as far as the quality of people (not even considering talent) and i still stand by it. i can truly say that i meant what i said to each and every person, and i only wish i could say more or had more time for some people to really find the right words. i have so much appreciation and respect for some of those people that i could litterally write novels of love (or at least admiration) and probably scare the hell out of them, lol.
and god, when it was my turn in the hot seat...my instinct was to run far and away. i had no idea what to expect and while a part of me wanted to hear what was said, a probably greater part was scared shitless. one thing i never learned how to do properly was recieve a compliment. i dont do that. thats not me. i give the advice and make the compliments and boost others self-confidence. its easier than dealing with myself in such a way, and more beneficial. i just want those around me to be happy and get what they deserve, and if thats going well then thats good enough for me. so sitting in a circle of positive bomardment was certainly a new and ridiculous experience. but thank you to everyone for your extemely kind words. i dont remember if i was crying or not at that point, but i was quite affected, i assure you. i truly felt validated and loved and appreciated and those are feelings we dont always get to experience.
why dont we tell each other positive things more often? why is it so awkward and strange to be honest with someone about how you appreciate them, when its so easy to confront them with a problem you have with them? it was so hard to pick just one thing to say about some people and i realized that i had all these things that i'd been meaning to say but it never came up. i guess its just weird to do so, we're all like that. i dont know, i'm begining to detect my ramblings are dwindling in their ability to make sense at this point with how tired i am. i just know that i strongly hope some of the friendships that have started or grown throughout this show will continue to do so. but if not, thanks to them for making my world that much more special for the time being.
then our loves labours lost class met for the final time today at two thirty, and just changed the course of my entire day and mindset. after talking about final assignments and housekeeping stuff, karen had us all sit in a circle on the floor for an excersize that she called "positive bombardment". the idea was that, one at a time, a person would move into the center of our circle and each person would go around and say something nice or positive about the center person. the center person wasn't allowed to say anything but 'thank you' and had to proceed to the next person. i know that some people may have found it forced and trite and artificial, but this kind of stuff really tends to hit me. i did NOT expect it to get as heavy as it did. i even ended up crying for like the last half of the excersize because i just couldnt hold it in. when other people cry, i almost immediately start to cry as well, its just a part of who i am. and once i got started, there wasn't much of a chance to stop. some of the things that were being said, even when i wasn't involved, were so beautiful and genuine that it really made my chest clench and throat close. i think i even realized emotions or feelings that i had for or about people that i never knew i had before today.
its instances like this that ever so slightly help restore my faith in people. i know there's evil there. and ugly. and that maybe not all that was said was completely genuine, cause thats just how it goes. but for those few moments where the air shifted and eyes were locked and suddenly the space felt changed somehow, it was something special to be present for. the bond that you can feel and form with some people after such a short period of time is increible and completely surprising. ive said from the begining that i thought this was a really good cast as far as the quality of people (not even considering talent) and i still stand by it. i can truly say that i meant what i said to each and every person, and i only wish i could say more or had more time for some people to really find the right words. i have so much appreciation and respect for some of those people that i could litterally write novels of love (or at least admiration) and probably scare the hell out of them, lol.
and god, when it was my turn in the hot seat...my instinct was to run far and away. i had no idea what to expect and while a part of me wanted to hear what was said, a probably greater part was scared shitless. one thing i never learned how to do properly was recieve a compliment. i dont do that. thats not me. i give the advice and make the compliments and boost others self-confidence. its easier than dealing with myself in such a way, and more beneficial. i just want those around me to be happy and get what they deserve, and if thats going well then thats good enough for me. so sitting in a circle of positive bomardment was certainly a new and ridiculous experience. but thank you to everyone for your extemely kind words. i dont remember if i was crying or not at that point, but i was quite affected, i assure you. i truly felt validated and loved and appreciated and those are feelings we dont always get to experience.
why dont we tell each other positive things more often? why is it so awkward and strange to be honest with someone about how you appreciate them, when its so easy to confront them with a problem you have with them? it was so hard to pick just one thing to say about some people and i realized that i had all these things that i'd been meaning to say but it never came up. i guess its just weird to do so, we're all like that. i dont know, i'm begining to detect my ramblings are dwindling in their ability to make sense at this point with how tired i am. i just know that i strongly hope some of the friendships that have started or grown throughout this show will continue to do so. but if not, thanks to them for making my world that much more special for the time being.