(no subject)
it's weird, i never expected my life to turn around so drastically.
before i always felt i was just a side dish, an attatchment. i was always around, but i never had anything of my own. nothing that was MINE. no hobbies, no ideas. now it's like i can't find the time to do everything on my agenda.
i've got a library course starting in a week, which will be good because i'll have some instruction and direction. i always do better when i have orders. but it's not just that. every time i have a spare evening it's filled, i have plans and stuff that needs doing like the gym and researching agents. i don't have time to worry about all the little things. tonight i felt like i was completely 100% me, which is totally new.
i'm finding it easier to say no to things that i don't want. sometimes i still hedge and hide what i really think, but it always comes out soon after. and i'm not giving in as much. i don't feel like everything is my fault, or that i'm doing anything wrong. i'm being the best i can be; not depressed or drunk or anything like that. it's weird, getting to know yourself, and seeing how strong you can be.
none of this really makes sense without some kind of detailing, but i'm not going to bother listing everything i did and what people said, etc. etc. my world just makes so much more sense now, it's so clear. i know what i want to do, where i want to be going, and i'm just pushing myself little bits in that direction.
NOT library school, lol. i'm not going to be there forever. i do know that. but it's ok for now, and i don't feel like i'm letting myself down by sticking with it until i'm ready. ugh, i can't even sort it out enough to write it down, but i just feel so good. i think i've finally cleansed out all the bad shit, the leftovers from years ago. DETOX, but emotionally and psychologically. i'm not crazy, or depressed, or angry or bitter at all. i like my life, and i know what few things i want/need to do to change the small area(s) that bug me a bit. i'm healthier, i'm not even having my mirror-related freak-outs. like i pretty much wear whatever i want every day and don't stare at one spot or another for half an hour hating it before chucking a whole outfit.
going to go read myself to sleep, as usual. not my most exciting friday night, but they aren't really any more. always too tired i guess. perhaps i'll try to get amanda to go to bellis fair next friday evening, that would be fun. and i'm going HIKING all next weekend, i can't wait. there will be pictures, oh yes.
eddie and ripper are doing well, blah blah blah. NIGHT!!!
before i always felt i was just a side dish, an attatchment. i was always around, but i never had anything of my own. nothing that was MINE. no hobbies, no ideas. now it's like i can't find the time to do everything on my agenda.
i've got a library course starting in a week, which will be good because i'll have some instruction and direction. i always do better when i have orders. but it's not just that. every time i have a spare evening it's filled, i have plans and stuff that needs doing like the gym and researching agents. i don't have time to worry about all the little things. tonight i felt like i was completely 100% me, which is totally new.
i'm finding it easier to say no to things that i don't want. sometimes i still hedge and hide what i really think, but it always comes out soon after. and i'm not giving in as much. i don't feel like everything is my fault, or that i'm doing anything wrong. i'm being the best i can be; not depressed or drunk or anything like that. it's weird, getting to know yourself, and seeing how strong you can be.
none of this really makes sense without some kind of detailing, but i'm not going to bother listing everything i did and what people said, etc. etc. my world just makes so much more sense now, it's so clear. i know what i want to do, where i want to be going, and i'm just pushing myself little bits in that direction.
NOT library school, lol. i'm not going to be there forever. i do know that. but it's ok for now, and i don't feel like i'm letting myself down by sticking with it until i'm ready. ugh, i can't even sort it out enough to write it down, but i just feel so good. i think i've finally cleansed out all the bad shit, the leftovers from years ago. DETOX, but emotionally and psychologically. i'm not crazy, or depressed, or angry or bitter at all. i like my life, and i know what few things i want/need to do to change the small area(s) that bug me a bit. i'm healthier, i'm not even having my mirror-related freak-outs. like i pretty much wear whatever i want every day and don't stare at one spot or another for half an hour hating it before chucking a whole outfit.
going to go read myself to sleep, as usual. not my most exciting friday night, but they aren't really any more. always too tired i guess. perhaps i'll try to get amanda to go to bellis fair next friday evening, that would be fun. and i'm going HIKING all next weekend, i can't wait. there will be pictures, oh yes.
eddie and ripper are doing well, blah blah blah. NIGHT!!!