(no subject)
i'm pretty torn between two states of mind right now, so bear with me. this might come across as a jumble of nonsense, or it might sort itself out as i go.
i was so irritated today when i got to the gym and discovered i'd gained 2 lbs. ok ok, it's not a huge deal. well, on a short person 5 lbs is actually noticeable, but i won't get into that. i just hate that whenever i'm happy i gain weight. it's not fair. i'm either miserable and have my guts reeling, not digesting food and dropping the weight, or i'm happy and packing it on. basically if i want to lose weight i have to give up the manimal, that's all there is to it. every time he's in my life, making me all mushy and silly and happy, he's simultaneously fattening me up.
pshaw, right, like i'm going to do that.
i went to my first counselling session with peace arch community servies. that went really well, and i feel like it's exactly what i'm looking for. it's just somewhere to go sort out my issues with controlling my drinking, with another voice to counter what i'm saying and to help me figure shit out. like today this wendy chick, who is my counsellor i guess, asked me what i thought would be the hardest part about going to a bar and only having two drinks. i had to think about it, and i said it would probably be the stuff in my own head. like thinking it wasn't fair that i couldn't have more drinks, or that i was having less fun than the people around me drinking more. i think the worst conflict would come totally from ME. i'd be fighting against myself to not compete, not keep up, not feel threatened or less cool or less fun or...
you can tell that's going to be a biggie.
anyway, so now i'm at home and i'm bored and i'm pissed off because all i want to do is eat but obviously that's not going to be a good idea if it just makes me unhappy when i get on the scale. well, ok, re-reading that sentance i'm not pissed off at all. i'm just frustrated because my body wants to do one thing and my mind wants another. god, and my wallet wants something else entirely. i feel like going shopping but i have no money, and if i can't shop i want to eat but i don't want to get gross, and if i can't eat i want to... i actually don't want to drink a beer right now. i really do just want to eat. fuck it. i'm going to search for something semi-healthy... :P
i was so irritated today when i got to the gym and discovered i'd gained 2 lbs. ok ok, it's not a huge deal. well, on a short person 5 lbs is actually noticeable, but i won't get into that. i just hate that whenever i'm happy i gain weight. it's not fair. i'm either miserable and have my guts reeling, not digesting food and dropping the weight, or i'm happy and packing it on. basically if i want to lose weight i have to give up the manimal, that's all there is to it. every time he's in my life, making me all mushy and silly and happy, he's simultaneously fattening me up.
pshaw, right, like i'm going to do that.
i went to my first counselling session with peace arch community servies. that went really well, and i feel like it's exactly what i'm looking for. it's just somewhere to go sort out my issues with controlling my drinking, with another voice to counter what i'm saying and to help me figure shit out. like today this wendy chick, who is my counsellor i guess, asked me what i thought would be the hardest part about going to a bar and only having two drinks. i had to think about it, and i said it would probably be the stuff in my own head. like thinking it wasn't fair that i couldn't have more drinks, or that i was having less fun than the people around me drinking more. i think the worst conflict would come totally from ME. i'd be fighting against myself to not compete, not keep up, not feel threatened or less cool or less fun or...
you can tell that's going to be a biggie.
anyway, so now i'm at home and i'm bored and i'm pissed off because all i want to do is eat but obviously that's not going to be a good idea if it just makes me unhappy when i get on the scale. well, ok, re-reading that sentance i'm not pissed off at all. i'm just frustrated because my body wants to do one thing and my mind wants another. god, and my wallet wants something else entirely. i feel like going shopping but i have no money, and if i can't shop i want to eat but i don't want to get gross, and if i can't eat i want to... i actually don't want to drink a beer right now. i really do just want to eat. fuck it. i'm going to search for something semi-healthy... :P