The Terrorists are Winning
The Terrorists are Winning
Forget Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Detroit, and Syria for just a minute, and let’s focus on the home front.
If any of you shoe-wearing radicals out there have tried to fly an airplane recently, you’ve probably noticed that security has been stepped up a tad. As now-a-days it is far easier to write a list of things that are permissible on an aircraft, as compared to things that are frowned upon (ice picks, lighter fluid, and self-inflating rafts to name a few) here is a list of: “Things you can bring on an airplane:”
- Small amounts of Baby formula and breast milk if a baby or small child is traveling.
- Liquid prescription medicine with a name that matches the passenger’s ticket.
- Liquids or gels for passengers who indicate a need for such items to address their medical condition, including diabetic passengers. Quantities are limited to no greater than 8 oz. (240ml) per container.*
- Up to 4 oz. (120 ml) of essential non-prescription liquid medications.
- Gel-filled bras and medical gel prosthetics.
- Certain family members
- Solid cosmetics and personal hygiene items such as lipstick in a tube, solid deodorant, lip balm and similar solids. Please remember these items must be solid and not liquid, gel or aerosol.
- Certain religious texts**
*Passengers requiring more than 8 oz. of liquid or gel-based medicine will be put to death
on the spot to avoid any possibly unsightly mid-flight deaths.
**the Bible
There are some common household items that you may not be aware are banned for air travel (according to the airsafe.com) including: medical laboratory specimens (little brothers and sisters that may fall into this category are handled on a case-by-case basis), throwing stars, blasting caps, dynamite, arsenic and/or cyanides, nitric acid, and finally radioactive pharmaceuticals. How anyone is to get through a 4 hours flight from Boston to St. Louis without radioactive pharmaceuticals to entertain them is beyond me, but if you want to listen to this “health and welfare of the passengers” malarkey, that’s fine by me.
Included in the list of banned “weapons” are: golf clubs, pool cues, ski poles, and hockey sticks. While this may dishearten those of you hoping to play a lively game of slap-shot-the-eight-ball-into-the-eighteen-hole-slalom, just the thought of terrorists taking over an airplane armed with pool cues should strike enough fear into your hearts as to let them get away with this particular ban.
But if you take another look at that list of acceptable items, you should see one glaring object of potential destruction. I’m speaking, of course, about the gel-filled bra. Just imagine yourself cruising along at thirty-five hundred feet, just about to enjoy the tiny fat-free non-peanut snack (is anyone else upset that “airplane peanuts” have been eliminated, lest the hypo-allergic gentlemen sitting in front of you break out in hives) that the stewardess handed to you in the overly-cheerful manner usually reserved for interaction with toddlers and/or puppies, when all of the sudden the “lady” in Aisle 5 jumps up, lights a fuse on her DD-cups, and the whole plane is suddenly a raging inferno.
I mean, how are they going to check for that? Oh sure, you assume that if there’s something suspicious, that they could just have a female inspector do some kind of overly intimate search of the suspected boob bomber, but what if the suspect is a man? Or what if you can’t tell? My guess is that your average underpaid, high-school dropout security guard is going to waive the augmented attacker by and start strip-searching every turban-wearing life form in the terminal.
So, next time you find yourself on an airplane, be aware. It’s not just the bearded ice-pick totting, Arab dude with radioactive pharmaceuticals coming out of his pockets that you have to worry about. We’ve entered a brave new world were the Pamela Andersons of the world should be the ones being targeted for strip searches and the like.
I think we’ll all be better off.