A poem I wrote a while ago...
I use this poem when I get down and sad. I wrote this from my heart and while deep in pain a few years back. You might ask why I chose to re-read something so sad. But it's to keep me in check when I am down about things going on in the present. As i look back at this poem, there were things I couldn't control happening. SO when I get upset about things now and how they are, I realize that I am the one who can affect these things I'm dealing with. I'm the one who can make the changes happen unlike in the past. So, here it is. I must warn you, it is pretty raw emotion. But it's all true and from the heart. I can still remember the day I wrote it. I wanted to give up so badly. I'm a success story seeing how that was almost four years ago and I'm still here, fighting daily struggles. I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself. Want to feel accomplished? Look back on some of your writiing or journaling from a while ago and I bet you'll see what I am talking about!
This is a story of a sad and hurting mother and friend
One who doesn’t know if she can survive until life’s end
She once had a carefree life until she was eight
The she because a child molester’s and rapist’s bait.
Her life continued on with struggles of different kinds here and there
None too out of the ordinary until she began to no longer care
It was around twelve she became weight obsessed
She was blind and couldn't see how she was that she was blessed
She compared her self to other people who were different
She felt her obsession take over and knew she had lost control
She even went to extreme measures to in her weight to make a dent
This is when the darkness appeared inside of her soul.
She threw out the rules and the right path’s light grew much farther and dimmer
Then came a slap in the face at the tender age of seventeen
Right before her eyes her mom and only family member
Died as she was on her way home to get her and take her to the doctor to be seen
Imagine finding your mother on the floor stiff and cold
Only to find out later the cause was a massive heart attack
Imagine her only being forty not her time to go and not being that old
Imagine all this in a world already full of turmoil and how it would set you back
To this day I remember it all in great detailed vision
Imagine having to run amidst terror and three houses down the road
With knees weak and jellied and mind totally shut down
All you can think is how she felt so very very cold
Then the ambulance coming so close only to turn and get lost
People gathering outside and watching you scream and cry
Praying to God ‘let her live, I’ll pay any kind of cost’
Imagine seeing no lights or sirens on the ambulance as you follow the bumper close by
As you wait in a dim dark room to hear your mom’s fate
As you sit wondering why you were too late
She had called while you were at a friend’s house thirty minutes away
And said I’m fine just come home and all you could do was be selfish and want to stay
You realize if only quicker you could have unlocked the front door
Anything you coulda done faster might have saved her from death’s disaster.
As you are lost in thought miserably about all your screw ups and faults
Here comes the doctor to tell you there was nothing he could do
So they lead you to the morgues and to some steal vaults
And there you look at her one last time as she lay bruised and blue
You fall to your knees and scream and cry
You wish you could be beside her to lay down and die
You feel numb and in a dream
You loose your sureness of what life is and what everything used to seem.
Imagine the rest of the night your best friend driving you around
Her being there trying to keep you from self destruction
Your life and reality is no longer there no where to found
You think this is enough but I’m nowhere near being done
On goes the funeral where the family of you who long ago disowned you decides to show
Your friends and you and almost the whole town to the funeral they go
You sit there and cry from a broken non-fixable heart
You cry so hard and loud they all hear in the midst of silence and crying they then start
Imagine the cold wood bench and people saying it will be okay
But you know your life will never be close to the same way
As everyone exits for a final view
You still sit there to sob and weep wanting to scream
You beg for someone, anyone to pinch you to take away what you wish was a dream
You are next to walk past and say one last goodbye
You touch her hand and feel the rubbery embalmed skin
As you draw back the hand you fall to your knees and ask God why
You cry and cry because of your pain there is no end.
So your English teacher picks you up and helps you walk to the awaiting black limo
You’re detached, numb, and silent
You get in not wanting to take her to the cold ground and not wanting to let her go
You look around when you get there to see all the flowers that were sent
You sit by the graveside with the casket now shut
You feel alienated and all alone
Your heart is pieces, slashed and cut
Face it now, you are now alone and all on your own.
Your sadness and emotions are on public display
As you bury your only loved one and family member
On this cold, dark, cloudy November day
It’s things like this you’ll never forget and always remember
You go on in your senior year at school pretending nothing is wrong
But then you can have a breakdown when reminded of little things such as a song
You try your hardest to do as is expected of you
All the while you know you are wasting and wandering away
Your friends stand by you and know they no longer have the old you
You are on edge, you stay up endless nights and could care less of anything you do
You become paranoid and scared of death
You even watch people sleep and check for their every breath.
You tune out it all and the world because time has passed
You turn away form those who love you and care
You begin to lie when how are you doing is asked
And even at graduation they forget why you shed so many a tear.
So then you find you’re in an emotional whirlwind
Being carried to a new life and a new start
You find what you can and your world begins to bend
You begin to see all the pain you held in is now ripping you apart
That happened on November the third
That day changed me forever and who I am today
There’s’ so much from this to learn
I want you to know to live for the day
Because no one lives for ever and granted a permanent pass
And you can’t go change the past or change what’s done when someone leaves
Be glad and appreciative of the friends and family you have to make love last
I know that is why I shared my pain and thoughts to make you see and believe.
If you take one thing away from this that I wrote
If I have helped just one person to change their ways
Even if it means by changing or the fact you’re not alone and can relate
Then that put a purpose for me to write this all and help you see to change your ways!
CHEER