Something different...
Here's an out-of-the ordinary post. Today I realized, with the help of someone's comment, that I don't really use this as a journal, more like an update. And it's not called liveupdate.com, it's livejournal.com. So here's what I've been thinking, really feeling lately.
Sometimes it all just feels so helpless. It's like, what am I even doing? Why am I doing htis? What's the point? I began to realize, nothing I do now is going to matter. Nothing I do will ever make a change, a difference, in anything. Even after highschool. So, I'll go to college, get a job, get married, have kids. So what? What's that even going to matter? It feels like I'm wasting the most precious thing, a life, on nothing. On nothing that will ever make that change, that difference, in anything. I don't want to end up being a nobody. One of those people that nobody will even know existed 50 years after I die. That's one of my biggest fears. What if I died, right now? My life would have meant nothing. Sure, my family and friends would remember me for a while. But in the long run? My almost non-existent mark on the world would be lost, and gone forever. And nothing I ever did would even matter. I want to conquer something, anything significant, just to prove to the world and life itself that I can outrun it. I can make myself rememebered forever. I can be greater than anything. But where do I start? How do I start? I can't do anything in highschool. And once I get past that? I can't conquer the world in college. Who has time for that? I got finals to study for, get real! After that? Wait until I get this dream job, and move myself ahead in the work force. Done with that? I'm getting married soon, the world will have to wait. Once that's over? I'm about to have children; they'll need my whole attention. After that? I'm too old, can't you see? I can't change anything now. And then, I'll die and be gone forever, never leaving a mark on this world worth remembering. So you see? You go from being too young to being too old so fast you can't change anything. I'm afraid of that future. I'm afraid of the question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I know where I want to be. I want to be with him, wherever that may be. I want to be with him, conquering something in this world, and making sure both of our names are remembered. Forever.
Sometimes it all just feels so helpless. It's like, what am I even doing? Why am I doing htis? What's the point? I began to realize, nothing I do now is going to matter. Nothing I do will ever make a change, a difference, in anything. Even after highschool. So, I'll go to college, get a job, get married, have kids. So what? What's that even going to matter? It feels like I'm wasting the most precious thing, a life, on nothing. On nothing that will ever make that change, that difference, in anything. I don't want to end up being a nobody. One of those people that nobody will even know existed 50 years after I die. That's one of my biggest fears. What if I died, right now? My life would have meant nothing. Sure, my family and friends would remember me for a while. But in the long run? My almost non-existent mark on the world would be lost, and gone forever. And nothing I ever did would even matter. I want to conquer something, anything significant, just to prove to the world and life itself that I can outrun it. I can make myself rememebered forever. I can be greater than anything. But where do I start? How do I start? I can't do anything in highschool. And once I get past that? I can't conquer the world in college. Who has time for that? I got finals to study for, get real! After that? Wait until I get this dream job, and move myself ahead in the work force. Done with that? I'm getting married soon, the world will have to wait. Once that's over? I'm about to have children; they'll need my whole attention. After that? I'm too old, can't you see? I can't change anything now. And then, I'll die and be gone forever, never leaving a mark on this world worth remembering. So you see? You go from being too young to being too old so fast you can't change anything. I'm afraid of that future. I'm afraid of the question "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I know where I want to be. I want to be with him, wherever that may be. I want to be with him, conquering something in this world, and making sure both of our names are remembered. Forever.